inthemind85
16-11-16, 15:33
I wasn't too sure which forum to post this on but as most of these issues are physical it's going here :).
Long story short, I am 31 years old and held down steady employment since 18, however nearly 3 years ago had my first PA after which I immediately stopped working and was off long-term sick for over a year. I live with my parents and during this time occasionally went out on my own but largely would only go out with somebody else.
I went back to work last year, and became a little jaded by my career path (IT/Computing) and didn't like the way my future was looking, so quit my job. I have been in technical roles for almost a decade so I'm now looking for less technical job, probably call-centre/customer service.
The background to all of this, is that I am a twin. I have lived with my twin brother all my life, we are both musical and went to gigs/festivals together and generally speaking if I wasn't at work or college or school (we went to separate high schools) my brother would always be with me.
I have had girl 'friends' and brief encounters, but nothing serious. My brother was the same but had slightly more luck on the relationship side, however we were still both living at home with our parents.
Three years ago my brother met a new partner online and very suddenly their relationship became more serious and he was spending much more time with her. At my age most friends who I would normally hang with have since got partners/married/kids in the last 5 years, so there was no social alternative.
I don't have that much in common with my parents however they are not bad people, we just see things differently.
Suddenly for the first time in my life, I was working full-time with no social life, no friends to call upon, and my brother was never at home. A big part of my life was suddenly gone, and I was not prepared for it at all.
The other fact is that my job was getting more stressfull and I did not enjoy the company of my colleagues who were all much older than me and therefore no chance of a quick beer after work with anybody.
After my brother not being here for xmas/new years and then just not being here one January, I had a huge panic attack (I didn't know about them) and thought I was dying. Went to a doctor and had a check-up, all fine.
I am now starting to believe I was much more reliant on my brother than I ever though I was, however being born in to it as a twin I have never known a life without that constant companionship. We always had plans for nights out, gigs, and festivals which obviously kept life interesting, and if I had a bad day at work, there was always a bright side or something else I could look forward to.
I decided to go back but having no social life out of work made work seem completely boring and banal. Also without me realising it I think my expectations were suddenly way too high about work. Work isn't always going to be a super social environment (which I have always known, however I could always put colleagues on a pedestal because I knew my brother would be there when I got home). I can really liken this 'break-up' to a divorce of a 30years marriage, in an emotional sense.
So, suddenly with no job, no social life, and no contact with anybody, my thoughts became louder and louder, I started body scanning, getting more panic attacks, convinced my BP was too high, more visits to doctor, tried medication but it just made me feel high.
I now know that the whole cause of this for me is this sudden huge change in my personal life. Essentially a form of separation anxiety from my twin.
At this moment in time, I barely sleep at night, I am now FINALLY learning how to entertain myself (watching movies/music etc) which I have never had to do before, I have always had somebody else to focus on, never myself.
I REALLY want to get back into a good place without medication, as I know deep down this is all a result of long-term bordom/lonliness and also some social anxiety, and not a fatal illness.
I guess this post was more of a vent, and I appreciate most may not understand the twin connection, but I would love to hear any practical advice about how to get past this, move forward, and make relationships/find a partner. I think my expectations are unreasonably high given my bond with my twin however life without any form of group socialising is robbing me of any optimism for the future. I don't want to be dependant on others but at the same time don't want to be completely independent and lonely, just working 9-5, thinking forward to a life living on my own, working on my own.
/rant :) - sorry for the length and appreciate anybody who made it this far *hugs*
Long story short, I am 31 years old and held down steady employment since 18, however nearly 3 years ago had my first PA after which I immediately stopped working and was off long-term sick for over a year. I live with my parents and during this time occasionally went out on my own but largely would only go out with somebody else.
I went back to work last year, and became a little jaded by my career path (IT/Computing) and didn't like the way my future was looking, so quit my job. I have been in technical roles for almost a decade so I'm now looking for less technical job, probably call-centre/customer service.
The background to all of this, is that I am a twin. I have lived with my twin brother all my life, we are both musical and went to gigs/festivals together and generally speaking if I wasn't at work or college or school (we went to separate high schools) my brother would always be with me.
I have had girl 'friends' and brief encounters, but nothing serious. My brother was the same but had slightly more luck on the relationship side, however we were still both living at home with our parents.
Three years ago my brother met a new partner online and very suddenly their relationship became more serious and he was spending much more time with her. At my age most friends who I would normally hang with have since got partners/married/kids in the last 5 years, so there was no social alternative.
I don't have that much in common with my parents however they are not bad people, we just see things differently.
Suddenly for the first time in my life, I was working full-time with no social life, no friends to call upon, and my brother was never at home. A big part of my life was suddenly gone, and I was not prepared for it at all.
The other fact is that my job was getting more stressfull and I did not enjoy the company of my colleagues who were all much older than me and therefore no chance of a quick beer after work with anybody.
After my brother not being here for xmas/new years and then just not being here one January, I had a huge panic attack (I didn't know about them) and thought I was dying. Went to a doctor and had a check-up, all fine.
I am now starting to believe I was much more reliant on my brother than I ever though I was, however being born in to it as a twin I have never known a life without that constant companionship. We always had plans for nights out, gigs, and festivals which obviously kept life interesting, and if I had a bad day at work, there was always a bright side or something else I could look forward to.
I decided to go back but having no social life out of work made work seem completely boring and banal. Also without me realising it I think my expectations were suddenly way too high about work. Work isn't always going to be a super social environment (which I have always known, however I could always put colleagues on a pedestal because I knew my brother would be there when I got home). I can really liken this 'break-up' to a divorce of a 30years marriage, in an emotional sense.
So, suddenly with no job, no social life, and no contact with anybody, my thoughts became louder and louder, I started body scanning, getting more panic attacks, convinced my BP was too high, more visits to doctor, tried medication but it just made me feel high.
I now know that the whole cause of this for me is this sudden huge change in my personal life. Essentially a form of separation anxiety from my twin.
At this moment in time, I barely sleep at night, I am now FINALLY learning how to entertain myself (watching movies/music etc) which I have never had to do before, I have always had somebody else to focus on, never myself.
I REALLY want to get back into a good place without medication, as I know deep down this is all a result of long-term bordom/lonliness and also some social anxiety, and not a fatal illness.
I guess this post was more of a vent, and I appreciate most may not understand the twin connection, but I would love to hear any practical advice about how to get past this, move forward, and make relationships/find a partner. I think my expectations are unreasonably high given my bond with my twin however life without any form of group socialising is robbing me of any optimism for the future. I don't want to be dependant on others but at the same time don't want to be completely independent and lonely, just working 9-5, thinking forward to a life living on my own, working on my own.
/rant :) - sorry for the length and appreciate anybody who made it this far *hugs*