View Full Version : Christmas family rows already
Sylver1975
17-11-16, 16:08
My family are already rowing over Christmas. My parents are polar opposites, Dad LOVES Christmas, my mother HATES it with a passion and this leads to conflict every year. Already they're arguing over whether to do Secret Santa or buy small gifts for everyone.
I don't live with them but see them most days as they live near where I work and I go there at lunchtimes. Dad has depression and last year ended up suicidal in January after a Christmas of aggro and too much booze. I really don't want a repeat this year.
I have anxiety and it's through the roof already and there's weeks to go yet. Anyone got any coping mechanisms for the festive period? Or a time machine to get to mid-January?
Oh dear poor you, that is awful but unfortunately it's very common to have these kind of situations arise at this time of year. I have a family member who has stated that it will be token gifts this year as she can't afford a lot and yet her wish list is full of items that are not what I would class as token gifts, she is also miffed that I have spent more on her son than on her daughter and asked if I was getting her daughter something else as well and that she always spends more than £10 on my children! I think somehow people forget the true meaning of Christmas and whether religious or not I think it's a time for being together and giving whatever you can afford. I wouldn't care less if I got nothing so long as everyone enjoyed themselves and were healthy and happy. I don't have any coping tips I'm afraid and it is so difficult to keep the peace. I guess you just have to accept the worse and hope for the best but don't get yourself stressed about it because it isn't your fault things are the way the are. Try to relax and let it go above your head. Good luck.
I would just spend my Christmas solo if I had a situation like yours.
Scaredlady
18-11-16, 23:40
I understand why you're not looking forward to it as it can quickly spiral out of control in so many ways.
My mum and I (we live together) have always bought individual presents for everyone from the both of us, often spending far more than we could afford, then struggling come January.
This year we have decided we will buy presents for the handful of family who we feel we are closest to and then make either 'movie" hampers or sweet bouquets for other family/their teenage children because buying individual gifts for each person is far too costly. We have a really large family (27, not including aunts/uncles/cousins) and it is absolute madness trying to keep up every year with the wish lists, so we won't be doing it again.
For Christmas dinner we usually end up being "forced" to go to whichever family member that has insisted on playing host but we will be staying at home and making our own meal this year because we want to relax and feel comfortable, it's difficult to do that in someone else's house with screaming children.
There's far too much pressure to "keep up with the Jones'" and because of my anxiety/my mum's physical ill-health we are putting our own "wants" top of the list this time around, we will "do" Christmas how we want to do it. I struggled last year with my anxiety over the seasonal period and I'm not putting myself through it again.
My mum and I will have a lovely time without the hassle/stress of big gatherings and family expectations to receive overly priced presents. I have always loved Christmas and I think curtailing it to suit our needs/budgets will make it more enjoyable again.
You should do what you want to do; I feel that would be the best mechanism available.
Good Luck and don't let anyone spoil your Christmas.
Scaredlady, that sounds like a great idea and you will be able to do your own thing in the comfort of your own home. I'm sure many other people would want to do the same and why shouldn't they? All this pressure for family time crammed in together sounds like a nightmare.
Sometimes it is better to disconnect from family so they know what they lost.
Christmas is the worst, isn't it? Really brings the worst out in people. What's worse is you're not allowed to admit that, suggest it's any other than amazing, as everything from late September (mainly fuelled by people wanting to sell you things) is pumping the annoying idea in your head it's supposed to be THE MOST MAGICAL DAY OF THE YEAR.
This time of year always gets my anxiety going, because I don't care about it, but other members of the family have tense stand-offs about it from October onwards (though this year doesn't seem too bad). I get caught in the middle of a family row about a day of the year I honestly don't care about. If I was alone on Xmas day I honestly wouldn't care, in fact last year due to a bout of norovirus it looked like I might have to and I was actually quite liking the idea (though would have done without the particular symptoms!).
There's so much pressure about it, and when you boil it down what is it? A day when you have a roast dinner and exchange a few presents. That's it. But the constant bombardment that it has to be the greatest ever, most fun day, is actually detrimental to enjoying this. Christmas is, by and large, a slightly boring, enjoyment-numbers day that really doesn't do it for everyone. But we're not allowed to admit that.
I haven't got any real advice except this that gets me through (and I appreciate your circumstances are different) - it's one day. Maybe two if you have other in-laws to deal with on Boxing Day. Write those days off, concede that it means more to other people than you and you have to grit teeth and put up, but don't let people drag out the festive period past that. Make other, non-festive plans for the period between Xmas and New Year that suit you, and don't let people start adding new events. 27th Dec? Xmas is over. And don't let people drag you into arguments about things you honestly couldn't give a s**t about.
I remember when Jan 1st wasn't a Public Holiday and Christmas was over after Boxing Day. The whole thing just drags on for far too long now in my opinion.
I agree with Betsy it always makes me laugh when people phone in the radio drive time and say them and there 20 strong family are on the way to holiday and there all loving it
ive been on holiday etc meals with relatives before etc and all it was a disaster we didn't argue but no ones ever happy and you reccommed somewhere for food you can guarantee your aunty will find a pube in her food, or your cousins got every underlying food condition there is
ive been on holiday etc meals with relatives before etc and all it was a disaster we didn't argue but no ones ever happy and you reccommed somewhere for food you can guarantee your aunty will find a pube in her food, or your cousins got every underlying food condition there is[/QUOTE]
This is so true of christmas get togethers. Ohwell123 your tale really did make me laugh. I don't have much problem with extended family these days as they are all either dead or I am not speaking to them. The issues I have are in my own family as two of my kids are now teenagers. I dread spending christmas with them and their constant demands for this that and the other. Even my other half didn't seem to think much of the presents I got her last year. I know I'm crap at buying presents and this just adds to my feeling of misery and gloom. I don't think there's much you can do about any of this stuff, but just be good to yourself and realize that it will all pass. January will be here sooner than you think!
randomforeigner
24-11-16, 05:42
At least something people have in common across borders, Christmas stress over too much being condensed over too few days. One year we had Christmas dinner on 13 December (which up here is a big day prior to actual Christmas) and it was such a relief. That year we packed up the Christmas tree on 14 December (the needles were starting to fall off already) and it was such a bliss just to walk around among people who were stressed out over buying presents and scheduling visits, knowing that one didn't have to bother with it. An extra bonus was that the relatives were free to go elsewhere on the proper Christmas Day without having to think about not coming over to our place too, as we had had it all done by December 13.
---------- Post added at 06:42 ---------- Previous post was at 06:35 ----------
@Sylvester1975: I have a perfect gift for you dad who LOVES Christmas with a passion, and I bet he hasn't got it yet. The Christmas Candlestick. Up here everybody has them, not just one but one in each window actually. We have them at work too, at the office, in all office windows. There was this orchestrated effort earlier this week to place a big candlestick in each of the office window. It's actually rather nice with all of these lights glowing in almost all windows. (If you don't have them, you seem a bit odd. Our neighbours don't and every year I keep wondering why they don't do it, ah, the Christmas tyranny at its prime!) Anyway, you can buy it here should you want to (it's a web shop a variant of the IKEA you could perhaps say one of those expanding multinational Swedish DIY stores): http://www.clasohlson.com/uk/Christmas-candlestick/18-2626
I really enjoy the Christmas period but yes, Christmas days are stressful due to the family. Mine are usually on their best behaviour on Christmas but I'm dreading this year as tensions have been rising between two relatives for a long time now.
Each Christmas my partner also takes our daughter to his parents for a couple of hours. This leaves me alone with my family and fills me with anxiety, I utterly despise it.
I don't get why life has to be this way, why is there always some form of arguments. Why, for one day, can't people just get along. I'm also awaiting the 'you're so boring/miserable' comments.
not christmas related but it relates... i helped a relative the once do loads of stuff through my own good will and i seem to remember the once i couldnt make it or id got some mud on her carpet , something like that!
anyway she told everyone!!!!!! i was the worst thing ever she forgot to tell everyone all the free help id given her
people in general
whatever you do theyll run you down so if you dont like them visit them for 3 minutes and say anyway got to go now busy busy becauise even if you stopped 4 hours theyd be backstabbing ya over your clothing or your kids behaviout whatever
whatever you do theyll run you down so if you dont like them visit them for 3 minutes and say anyway got to go now busy busy becauise even if you stopped 4 hours theyd be backstabbing ya over your clothing or your kids behaviout whatever
Great advice here. Many of my own family were like this. I spent years trying to please them and they still thought I was a useless piece of you know what. Now I don't bother with any of them anymore. The backstabbing tales I could tell you about them are unbelievable. Most of them don't even know where I live sinced moving house and it's such a relief. Lifes too short to waste on such people, they'll only drag you down. It really doesn't surprise me at all the world is full of crazy psychopathic leaders bombing aid convoys and hospitals with war, terrorists, abuse and destruction everywhere.Try and spend more time with people that show you a bit of respect even though they are hard to find - its much better for you mental health! :winks:
randomforeigner
14-12-16, 16:28
...I spent years trying to please them and they still thought I was a useless piece of you know what. Now I don't bother with any of them anymore. The backstabbing tales I could tell you about them are unbelievable. Most of them don't even know where I live sinced moving house and it's such a relief. ...
I thought only Swedes were like that... I even have another surname now, even better. :closedeyes:
I thought only Swedes were like that... I even have another surname now, even better. :closedeyes:
Thanks for that randomforeigner - it's very reassuring to us Brits to know that we're not entirely on our own in Europe :yesyes: I did consider a name change myself, but I think I've covered my tracks sufficiently :)
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