looking4answers
05-04-07, 08:08
Why ?Will it ever get better..?Its suppose to...I try to get online here and tell people I feel the samething..I do .. I really do but why do we .?Are we test subjects for some alien race ? Why is it that we all have the same symptoms and experience the samethings..Although just a few years ago no one really took anxiety or hypocondriacs serious although now they do..Something tells me that they don't know much more than they did then but the drug industry found a huge untapped market..and then all of a sudden there were doctors that called everything anxiety and stress..Odd don't you think? Well heres hoping its just what they believe it to be.I give advice here just to say YES i have the same thing.I have been told I have health anxiety and stress and depression..Well I suppose I have ..Over my lifetime at different times I have suffered almost every known symptom that has been reported here at about 10 year intervals..I think that it has to do a lot with your body chemistry that is said to change about every ten years.It stands to reason that you could be affected by it because basically thats what we are is a bunch of chemicals and organic material governed by chemicals..If one gets out of sync then they all do causing everything that you can imagine and then some..Well when your body chemistry changes then so does the things that bothers us and we start noticing things that we usualy don't .I have had this happen to me say ..oh at least four times in my life where all of a sudden im thrown into a massive anxiety depression stage that the symptoms have just gone into overtime..This being one time its a little early but well it doesn't make it that much better knowing..Today was very weird for me..Although I have a somewhat of a personal doctor..Well she is a nurse head nurse of a hospital for almost 30 years she knows symptoms and speech patterns and eye movement and almost anything you can imagine and can recognize things right off in people.I have been checked and told that mostly stress is the cause for my symptoms.She sees me on an almost every other day basis and talks to me pretty much everyday via internet or in person.She says she would stake her reputation on the fact there is nothing wrong with me..but just depression and focusing too much on myself.Ok..then i get up and get going and feeling better ignoring the pounding in my head that she says im listening for which I might be stressed but I can assure you I dont want to hear that.I have days when I seem to be pretty normal and then I get tired ,so tired that I feel that I have to laid down.I told her of this yesterday .I had a rather long day and she just said you are out of shape do more.OK today I bolted out of bed started my day earlier than usual did my chores handled some business and as the day progressed I felt worse and worse.The pounding in my head got to be almost like an earthquake.My breathing became harder and my back and chest hurt really bad.I was so tired my mind became oblivious to what was going on..Its like it was somewhere else.I had people come over to discuss buisness and I was like a child playing with the video camera and camera in my phone not thinking about the things that the people were discussing .As the day progressed my mind drifted as if to shun reality in hopes of not thinking what was wrong with me.I shook hands with the last of the people leaving and they told me are you cold and i didnt say anything and they said my hand was icy ..Hmmm that even stressed me further.At 7pm I laid down to take a nap that I should have taken earlier..My heart hurting my back hurting my breathing odd and as i drifted off thinking I wish that I could just stop hearing my heart and feeling it in my chest even if it meant it stopping.I jerked over and over until i finally got to sleep which was pretty sound.I woke at 10pm hoping that my wife would decide that we could go back to sleep and I didnt even ask her to make dinner I just ate a small sandwich.I couldnt really focus my eyes and started worrying about stroke..That is an odd time to wake and not go back to sleep I was hopeful that I could sleep again but she didnt want to sleep but started playing video games on the computer which is odd because usually she is the one that wants to return to sleep.Today has just been odd and everyday is suppose to get better but the more I try it seems the more bizarre my days become and the more tired I get..Why is life so hard and will it get better.I feel that it has become such a struggle to survive and I have it so easy why could it possibly be that hard..I don't get it..If you have it easy shouldnt your life be easy ..My mind is having to deal now with being awake at an odd hour where it doesnt want to be although I could have stayed awake but felt so bad this afternoon I had to sleep..Its all confusing and strange..I want my life to be better and am so scared it will never be.I try to focus on other things harder and the harder i try the harder the symptoms pry away at me.Is this a punishment of some sort.What horrible things did i do to be punished this way and all of you .Are we being tested ,are we being prodded in our sleep that always seems to weigh on our minds by other creatures ,or has our bodies made us prisoners of them ,the chemicals that substain life that is pulling our minds and bodies apart with grief.Please tell me it gets better? Although I have been through this a few times and know that it can ..This time it seems that all of the things that I have endured and lived through in the past have come back to haunt with me with a vengance..Its scares me and the fear has become stress and the stress tiredness and the tirdness despair and the despair sickness and a vicious cycle continues .I want out of it so very much but seem helpless to do so..I know the only person that can help is me.I will continue to struggle but fear my mind is starting to pull away and doesnt want to be bothered or deal with it..causing that brain fog or crazy thoughts everyone talks about.Pray for me that I will not drift away from dealing with things and that my life will get back to normal if i keep trying and that I will be ok..I thank you for reading my thoughts and I appreciate those that constantly reassure me that things will one day be ok again.I am just really losing faith here and the bad thing is ,that most that look at me medically and mentally seem to think that I don't really have any problems that I cant just switch off..I just am at a loss of what to do anymore.. But I do think im going to bed now to try to get my sleep that perhaps maybe will help me more than anything.