When people ask how you are...

[JosieLouise]

... what do you say?

I'm sick of saying 'I'm fine' or 'not bad'. I want to share and open up to people, but without making it sound like I'm trying to draw loads of attention to myself. I can't exactly just blurt out 'I'm feeling incredibly low and I didn't really sleep last night and I've already had two panic attacks today so not that great actually.' It's awkward.

I really envy people who just say exactly how they're feeling, good or bad, like it's nothing. Any tricks to make it easier?

[randomforeigner]

I've noticed this too. If you go to work one day and you're really not in the mood, sure enough people start to ask -How are you today? upon which you (depending) grunt -I'm fine thank you, and how are YOU today? But sometimes I instead say -It's not all that great today, thank you for asking me, and how are YOU today? (The trick is to sort of return the question to the person it came from. Then they in turn can go about and blurt out things like -I didn't sleep too well etc. etc. and sometimes this is the entire goal of them asking, to get someone to listen to their problems.)

I have another (similar but different) problem and that is that I take these questions too literally. The "Nice to meet you" "Nice to meet you too" can be particularly tricky. But instead of cringing when talking to someone I don't actually find all that nice, I try to think of the phrases just as connective phrases saying (in the way old computer modems used to) "I'm here" "I'm here too" "So am I, let's start to transmit" "Yes, lets" - if anybody can remember those 1990's modems with their weird sound effects "Skrrff chhh tsss skrff..." while opening the phone line.

[MyNameIsTerry]

How much of it is just what we would term an "English pleasantry"? So, pretty empty, just a way of saying hello without actually really being that interested in the response other than a hello back?

You say 'I'm ok, thanks, how are you?' and some will give you same lack of detail back. Some however will tell you a load about them and you are standing there thinking "I wasn't really asking...it's a pleasantry!!!"

I tend to just keep it vague, it covers both, but then I'm not going to discuss my problems with people anyway outside of a setting like NMP or a mental health group as I doubt most people would understand it anyway.

But then I lie about work too. It's embarrassing saying I've not worked in years! I just tell them I'm self employed as my last career allowed for that and I can still talk a load of BS about that and sound genuine. The alternative is admitting failure and seeing it in the faces of many "normal", shall we say, for whom going to work and earning is just a daily task other than a mountain to climb...after climbing the mountain of just getting through any day. :doh:

So, I guess what is important is the relationship you have with the person. For a stranger, who cares? For a co worker, will they be receptive to you or dismissive? The same for loved ones to a certain degree.

[randomforeigner]

I probably lied about my both parents not working when I was a teenager. It was OK to say mum was a stay-at-home mum (which she wasn't) but to admit that dad was at home because of psychosis, panic attacks and possibly schizophrenia (which I didn't know about at the time) was too much to stomach as a fourteen -fifteen year old so I vaguely indicated he was a school teacher working downtown and stopped socializing so as never to be found out. Damn I just told everybody! ;-)

[MyNameIsTerry]

I probably lied about my both parents not working when I was a teenager. It was OK to say mum was a stay-at-home mum (which she wasn't) but to admit that dad was at home because of psychosis, panic attacks and possibly schizophrenia (which I didn't know about at the time) was too much to stomach as a fourteen -fifteen year old so I vaguely indicated he was a school teacher working downtown and stopped socializing so as never to be found out. Damn I just told everybody! ;-)

Yes, that must have been harder still at that age when you would be trying to understand it all yourself let alone having to explain it to peers of varying maturity levels.

I wouldn't worry though around us, you sound very normal on here! :D

[pulisa]

I agree with Terry in that asking how you are is just a pleasantry and most people aren't interested in your answer. I hate the sloppy "alright?" greeting which isn't a question but more of a "hello" and no more..

No one is going to "get" mental health issues unless they have had some experience of how it feels to struggle through each day. It must have been incredibly difficult for you to deal with your Dad's diagnosis and illness, randomforeigner, and far beyond what your average teenager would have to deal with and explain.

I never open up to anyone in my family about how I feel. I don't see the point. It makes me feel really vulnerable.

[JosieLouise]

How much of it is just what we would term an "English pleasantry"? So, pretty empty, just a way of saying hello without actually really being that interested in the response other than a hello back?

I agree, and find "English pleasantries" particularly annoying. Trust us to come up with a way of being so sickeningly polite.

So let's assume the pleasantries are over and done with. What then? Yesterday I had a situation at work where I really just wanted to get some air, as I wasn't concentrating very well and it was getting really hectic. This week I've had to deal with a family funeral, job stress and anxiety on top. But I didn't - couldn't - say anything. And when someone happened to ask if I was alright, I just smiled and nodded, like it was a reflex.

Work know about my mental health issues and are generally very supportive (I once happened to have a panic attack in my boss' living room... she sat with me for an hour while everyone else was outside enjoying the BBQ...) so it really frustrates me that I can't be honest with them about how I'm feeling and can't look after myself properly while I'm there.

It should be simple... "I'm feeling a bit anxious today, do you mind if I take a break for five minutes?"... but the words just don't come out. :doh:

[KeeKee]

I get what you mean I feel this way too. If it was a stranger or somebody I'm not particularly close to, I'd just say "I'm fine thanks" as like you says it's a reflex.

However if my family or close friends asked how I was I feel like I should be able to be truthful. But I can't. I used to be honest with my family and mention how I'd felt (after them saying countless times we can't help you if you don't tell us what's up) but would get met with 'You're always moaning', 'all you do is talk about yourself' or 'you haven't got a clue what stress is' so I stopped talking about how I truly felt. A few of my relatives are middle aged and have stresses that can come with that, jobs, getting older, your body not the way it used to be, family members dying, mortgage worries etc. All the 'genuine' stresses life can bring. I am constantly listening to their moaning (it wouldn't bother me if I could also moan) and it's making me feel a little resentful as I can't tell them how I feel. On the rare occasions I've tried recently I've been told "People have their own problems".

[JosieLouise]

On the rare occasions I've tried recently I've been told "People have their own problems".

Sorry to here that KeeKee. I have also had experiences of trying to open up to people and being told 'other people are worse than you' or, at the other end of the spectrum, 'you take antidepressants so therefore you must be crazy and a danger to others'. Then they run a mile.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I agree with Terry in that asking how you are is just a pleasantry and most people aren't interested in your answer. I hate the sloppy "alright?" greeting which isn't a question but more of a "hello" and no more..

No one is going to "get" mental health issues unless they have had some experience of how it feels to struggle through each day. It must have been incredibly difficult for you to deal with your Dad's diagnosis and illness, randomforeigner, and far beyond what your average teenager would have to deal with and explain.

I never open up to anyone in my family about how I feel. I don't see the point. It makes me feel really vulnerable.

You don't want to watch the footie in a Stoke stand then, pulisa. That's how we talk around here 'alright mate', or in Potteries slang 'ow reet mate'. It literally just means hello around here. It's like the 'how are you doing' of Americans or their 'how's it hanging'.

You won't like the endless reruns of Strike It Lucky/Rich with Michael Barrymore on Challenge either! :D

---------- Post added at 11:24 ---------- Previous post was at 11:16 ----------


Sorry to here that KeeKee. I have also had experiences of trying to open up to people and being told 'other people are worse than you' or, at the other end of the spectrum, 'you take antidepressants so therefore you must be crazy and a danger to others'. Then they run a mile.

Crikey, how on earth do they join that ignorance up in their heads about danger? I've found some people regard it as a weakness to take them but these days I've learned not to care. Some discussions I had at work were open about meds as others were interested or had known people who took them. There is a definite stigma around them still.

I have a personal loathing of the "other people are worse off" minimising put down. Yes, there always is someone. And being in a well off society with excellent medical care hardly compares to those in poor countries or those starving daily. So, I'm happy to throw that one at people in return because if we always thought this way we would feel guilty about any complaints we ever make in our privileged lives. And yet all we hear is people moaning about stuff that doesn't really matter...like something not being in a shop for them to buy.

[SLA]

I have a personal loathing of the "other people are worse off" minimising put down. Yes, there always is someone. And being in a well off society with excellent medical care hardly compares to those in poor countries or those starving daily. So, I'm happy to throw that one at people in return because if we always thought this way we would feel guilty about any complaints we ever make in our privileged lives. And yet all we hear is people moaning about stuff that doesn't really matter...like something not being in a shop for them to buy.

Beautiful. I also have an issue with the "always someone worse-off" idea.

Life is about perspective.

I have a very strong and vivid recollection of a deeply moving moment in my life, from a day when I was buried deep in depression. This was in 2009 when I was actually recovering, but it was one of the worst days I’d had.

It was a Wednesday, and I was off work. I felt so low, I got in my car and drove an hour to the beach at Bournemouth thinking it would lift me up a bit, and get me going.

But there was just… nothing. No connection to anything, no feeling of being present, just this feeling that I was losing it… no joy for life.

As I sat up on the concrete slope over-looking the sand I saw a guy in an electric wheel-chair. He obviously had a severe disability. He had two carers with him , and no obvious way of being able to communicate. He was paralysed, and had motor difficulties.

But… the smile on his face. He was having the most amazing time, and truly embracing being there despite all of the things that should seemingly be holding him back.

It occurred to me how I had none of the issues he had. None of the disadvantages, or disabilities. Yet, I still couldn’t see past this giant grey f**king cloud that was hanging over me all of the time.

It was a strange moment. I am grateful to that guy, because he inspired me to keep going, and I still think about him occasionally.


There is no league table of suffering. We all are experiencing our own existence.

When I see someone who is “worse off” I do not count myself lucky I am not them. I stop and take a moment to appreciate what they are going through, and try and put myself in their shoes.

It’s all about perspective.

[JosieLouise]

Crikey, how on earth do they join that ignorance up in their heads about danger?

Who knows?

When I was 19, my live-in landlady snooped through my room while I was at college. She found my meds, self-help books, and journal (which of course detailed my darkest, most private thoughts). I arrived home to find I had 3 hours to leave. I had nowhere to go - my parents had to drive several hours to get me, pack my entire room into the car (while this woman was screaming at them, telling them what terrible parents they were). She also photocopied/took pictures of this 'evidence' she had found, as we were living with her nine-year-old at the time, and she was convinced I was unstable and dangerous to her. Even if she'd listened to me, I doubt I'd have had the chance to explain a thing.

I can't say I've ever truly hated a person. Her being the exception.