I think my marriage is over

[nikkinik]

I've not posted anything here is such a long time. I feel bad for returning after such a long time away but I have no one else to turn to.

I've only been married just over a year but I've been with him for 12 years. I just don't think I can carry on with him any more.
My heart is breaking, yet I know it's my own doing.

My sons real Dad was killed and I thought that was me from then on, just done, doomed to living a life in my parents box room bringing up my child alone, but I met such a lovely, loving and caring man, hes become our sons Dad and a great one at that, even little things like making sure he's around for parents evening and making time to do homework.. He's just a lovely man.
He asks nothing of me, we're a bit old fashioned if you like, in that he works and I cook, clean, decorate, garden.. Whatever it may be, I try to look after things here and he goes out to work.. Which is a godsend seeing as I struggle to function as a 'normal' person.. Work, commitments, basically whenever I have to be somewhere I turn into a wreck, the panic, anxiety, ibs, the lot will flare up.. And even small panic episodes wear me out now because of the general day to day anxiety.. Simple things set me back and I find it's hard to recover now. Then there's the ibs, the social anxiety.. The list goes on.


I'd say my problems started in 2003
My partner was killed.. I sank into depression
That depression (whilst pregnant) led me to stay indoors where I felt safe and wanted to protect the baby..
That went into agoraphobia
Anxiety
Ibs - well, that was the conclusion after years of suffering, hospital appointments, a&e admissions.. You name it, I've had every test known to man
An ectopic pregnancy coupled with the years of running to the bathroom led me to have health anxiety..

..I got Cbt for the agoraphobia about 5 years ago and I've been on medication for the ibs in the last 4 years or so, but slowly things that were always a problem, have crept in and become bigger ones

..I now still have all that, albeit on a better/easier to cope with level (thanks to Cbt) but now realise I hate myself. I hate who I am, everything I am and are not(!), I feel I'm an awful parent.. As much as I've tried to shield my son from my issues I feel he's a sensitive little lad, he cries easily, he doesn't think much of himself.. He's basically me, as I was as a child

I feel I'm ugly, stupid, painfully shy - always making my husband go alone to work functions, I can't even bare looking ppl in the eye anymore, I dread having to make conversations because I have nothing to talk about anyway..

I feel like I'm one of life's misfits, like I'm not supposed to be here. Not that I will do anything to end my life, but I find life one struggle after the next.

I was cutting myself last year, just because I felt so disgusted with myself.. Then when the cutting upset my husband I took to.. And I can't believe I'm typing this.. But I began punching myself, my legs mainly, I just hated the way I looked, I hated my body carrying around this horrible person and so I guess I wanted to take out my frustrations upon it.. Yes, mad I know. When I told my husband I just wanted my life to be over he got so mad with me and in the end begged me to get some help.. I hated seeing him so angry and distraught. Yet I still felt, and feel the same today, if it wasn't for my son I'd probably be praying for death!

But, and this is my main problem..

It's my husband that makes me feel worse. And not him as a person, he doesn't mistreat me, he's a wonderful man.. that's my problem - he's too good for me.


When i asked for help to overcome all this, thinking that it would help our relationship it didn't really go as I'd have hoped.
The therapist told me I was selfish. I had too much time on my hands. And basically I didn't have enough space in my brain to be worrying so much. When I reeled off one problem after the next she kept telling me to focus on one issue and got angry at me when I didn't know what I wanted my end goal to be.. All I could say was "I just want to feel better, to not hate myself" but she said that goal wasn't enough, I guess it didn't look good on her form. So we're to focus on my low self esteem over an "intensive" counselling session, ie 3 X 1 hour appointments with a counsellor.. In 18 months time... That's it.
If the end result was to work on one problem rather than the whole picture.. Am I beyond help, am I just too much for every one???


I just feel like I want out of this. If I'm out shopping alone I'm ok, if I'm doing anything alone or with my son.. I'm ok. Factor in my husband and I feel boring, thick, ugly, a burden, not enough, not interesting enough, not expressive enough, not light and cheery.. As he said, I'm hard work sometimes and I just can't cope with it any more. I love him so much but these feelings just get bigger and bigger - With him, I hate me.


He's recently lost weight, he says for me.. I feel it's because a gorgeous young woman has been working alongside him for the past few months (that I only found out about tonight, by digging) Just the thought of that alone makes me want to leave... What makes me think hes done it for her is that when I started exercising (to try and feel better about myself and to help lift my low mood) I then cut my hair, I even got lip injections to try and like myself a little more... When I did all that he questioned if I had someone else, ' who was I doing it for'.. If he was thinking that way; that I was changing myself for someone else, was he thinking along those lines because he was changing/ losing weight for someone else..?

He's been flirty with someone else at work about 6 years ago, right around the time I was struggling so badly with panic and agoraphobia.. Now I feel we're back there again, him wanting to impress someone else, coming home happy because he's been with her, someone who brightens his day.. She really is gorgeous this time too, long blonde hair, long legs, great body, nice b oobs(!) , happy smily personality, confident, into motorbikes (the industry he works in) great teeth/smile.. You name it, all the blokes stare at her, she will no doubt be draped over the bikes at some point..
And he works with her, then comes home to me, the opposite of her.. this one big baggage of mess!

I lose sleep over that. Him working so closely with her on something he's so passionate about, her being so pretty and lovely.. It makes me hate myself more.

I hate it.

I just want to leave because I can't cope.

I don't even know how it would work. I guess I'd have to move back in with my dad, but that means uprooting our son, I have no savings, nothing.. My Dad is all I have left. My Nanna died this year, my mum left last year, every other family member has passed away, I have no friends..

I just know I can't go on in this marriage feeling even worse about myself than I already do. Even my husband says it's a constant struggle to make me accept that he loves me.. He's told me I'm hard work.. Which makes me feel even worse..M

I just can't go on like this.

If you've stuck it out this far you deserve a medal.

I'm sorry...

[randomforeigner]

Thank you, I'll pick up that medal now! :D

I think you should never try to analyze and make big decisions in the middle of the night! When I read what you wrote I feel you judge yourself too harshly (bad parent, not good enough, etc.) and there is where you could start. To accept that you have all these thoughts about yourself but at the same time these thoughts aren't necessarily objective, unbiased, or even true in a larger sense: For example why wouldn't you be a good-enough mother? There's nothing inherently wrong with not wanting to attend at someone else's work functions, and feeling in that way doesn't couldn't make you a bad person.

For you, thinking about yourself is a little bit like having an allergy, you overreact to issues, and there's nothing wrong with that, but you have to know that when you suddenly feel a flush of self-hatred this is not an objective view, it's more like getting rash because you're allergic to an apple. (I don't know if this makes any sense.)

You are OK, there is nothing wrong in being you.

You might have to carry an unnecessarily large bag of bad childhood memories, perhaps your parents were difficult, and you were abandoned at least once when your ex husband died, but it is not your fault.

You should try to do more of this: :yahoo: and this :bighug1:

You wrote here, it's something to be proud of because it shows you are willing to work with your difficulties.

Remember again there is nothing wrong with YOU it's just that you've got this hiccuping when you think about yourself causing you to jump to the wrong conclusions.

You are definitely not "beyond help" and got yourself hooked up with a therapist whose ideas didn't fit your problems.

Perhaps what is needed is to adopt an extra granny who could tell you that you (and your son) are perfectly ok as you are :bighug1: albeit struggling with some very difficult problems at the moment.

[Bike Rider]

Sorry to hear the hard time you have had and I understand how you must feel that life has kicked you in the teeth. However, I do feel that you may be over thinking and acting on your thoughts.

I am the same as you, but older and I have now come to realise that I simply over exaggerate issues that are worrying and under do the good ones:doh:

So he has a nice girl working with him, did he ask for her? did he ask that she be attractive? and what do you do if someone works with you, ignore them? Most men, me included would chat to female colleague, any colleague really, but certainly a female one, but I wouldn't change my wife for the world, no way, but I may still flirt a little. Work can be a boring place and when someone or thing lifts the mood then it shows.

He married you, so he must love you and be very fond of you and I know when I am down and anxious that my wife can find it annoying at times and she has been a saint .

Your counselor seems very poor to me and I would swap them, if its the NHS ones then find someone else, they made me worse.

Good luck and take care.

[Kathryn313]

Hug...

Have you been to your GP recently?x

[nikkinik]

Lol randomforeigner..
Your medal is in the post! Well done you poor thing! Lol
I used to make a joke of that " the world needs an adoption service for grannies! Grannies need company and I just need a granny! Win win!" Lol But yes, it's funny you wrote that and thank you for making me smile :)

I tell my son all the time, not to worry so much at bedtime, things always seem worse at night Etc.. But for me it runs true all the time, that's just the way I feel about myself every day.

Today has probably been the worst day in a long time. I told my Dad I'm struggling but he's basically the same as me so it's like the blind leading the blind!

I just think these feelings, over such a long time, coupled with the other things, it's taken its toll and I feel like I'm teetering on a breakdown of sorts..
Then I feel guilty for that - the effects of how I feel on other people. My poor husband, pulling me through one problem after the next whilst trying to look after us..
Then there's the exhaustion, clammy feeling, lack of appetite, being unable to sleep, wondering how to get better when I feel so rubbish - things seem hard enough as it it without trying to find my way out as well..
That cycle I'm stuck in.. Not know where to start or even what to do.

But with the agoraphobia I experienced (for example) in my mind made sense, I felt it 'safe' to stay at home but I was still able to work out that it wasn't right and I shouldn't be living like that..
Yet this, how much of a failure I feel, how much I just hate myself, regardless of my husband and Dad telling me it's not right, I feel like they're the ones in the wrong. This is me. I'm just no good. I don't know how to believe differently because surely I know me best?? Does that make sense?

I've told my husband, it feels like he's on loan to me, one day he will just realise he's been biased and I'm not the person he thinks I am. I'm not a murderer or worse(!) but I'm hard work and not worthy of my husband and that's that. In my eyes I will have a mountain to climb to ever be on his level.

I thought about just asking him for a break whilst I get better, but I have no idea where to begin for one, I tried to get over the agoraphobia myself but it was only the therapist who truly helped me and she was a two year wait and I saw her for 1.5 years.. So it would be a long break! Lol

I can't bear the idea my son will follow in our footsteps and end up feeling as low as both I and my father.. Again, it's the fear of having done damage already or not getting better enough to help him be a better, healthier and happier person than me.

I feel like I'm playing at life, trying my best to present someone that's happy when inside I'm sad and just wanting to do everyone a favour and walk out and just keep going. When that happy face can't cope and my smile slips, it all comes out (again!) and I just feel a burden (again).
I look at my husband in awe of how he can be happy, how do people do it - be happy and stay happy.. Why am I falling apart all too often.

Maybe you need another medal now!?


Thank you, it truly does mean a lot x

---------- Post added at 19:30 ---------- Previous post was at 19:23 ----------


Hug...

Have you been to your GP recently?x

Thank you :)

I contacted them in July I think.
It was a brief 5 min conversation over the phone (that's the way my gp practise works) she gave me a number for self referral for counselling and I finally called last month I believe (I was afraid to tell a stranger how I felt, that's why it took me so long) X

---------- Post added at 20:06 ---------- Previous post was at 19:30 ----------


Sorry to hear the hard time you have had and I understand how you must feel that life has kicked you in the teeth.

Hi, Thank you for replying.

I don't think life has kicked me in the teeth as such, I did when I was pregnant, I was bitter (probably just grieving) but I feel very lucky to have met my husband.
I do think some things have affected me for whatever reason.. Someone else could have suffered the same losses (or be worse off of course), and not have developed anxiety and what not, so I try to use that idea to try and work it all out, why does it/certain things affect me, how to change it.. Of course I can't work it out, but I try! Lol


So he has a nice girl working with him, did he ask for her? did he ask that she be attractive? and what do you do if someone works with you, ignore them?

I work from home so never have that problem :D Of course I don't expect him to ignore her, it's only a problem to me, I've not mentioned it to him because I am trying to be rational.. Deep down though I feel it's just another pressure. I've already been on the end of his flirting with other work mates and it's something that personally I wouldn't do. It's hard to accept and impossible to compete with.. 12 years of life, bills, getting/looking older, arguments etc etc.. I don't want to be the old jalopy next to a Ferrari (I exercise, try to look nice etc.. i do keep trying). But Its just another pressure to hurry up and sort myself out, to be that happy person that makes him smile, hence that being one of many reasons I've considered a break. I can barely cope with myself let alone having more on my mind. I wish I could just shut it out but I don't know how :)

He married you, so he must love you and be very fond of you and I know when I am down and anxious that my wife can find it annoying at times and she has been a saint .

Your counselor seems very poor to me and I would swap them, if its the NHS ones then find someone else, they made me worse.

Good luck and take care.

^ apologies, don't think I've got the quote thing down yet!

I have worried that counsellor wil make people worse. I don't have to see her again, she was just the middle man between my GP and its own counsellor at the practise.

Thanks again :)

[SLA]

Don't give up on yourself. Don't give up on the people you love.

Walking away from your problem might feel like it'd be easier, but you'd be living a far worse life in my opinion.

You'll end up hating yourself even more. Trust me. it sounds like unless you change your mindset, you will always have issues with yourself.

It's ok to feel like you do. You have a mental health condition, and you need the support of people around you.

Focus on getting the best possible outcome.

Keeping the people and things you love, but more importantly, learning to love yourself.