I've trapped myself in some sort of hell

[elik]

I'm incredibly distressed. I feel so alone, so unbelievably alone. I have become so 'nice' as a person that I genuinely don't know how to loosen up. Obsessed with doing the right Thing in genuine want and also due to intense fear of being judged or rejected. Due to this, I'm robotic to everyone trying to ensure any negative inside me is hidden because I'm scared how it will be received. I'm running on such high anxiety I almost appear super energetic because it's like my fidgeting side effect. I am scared to be truly me. For instance if I said a passing comment about someone's image like everyone does I'd feel terrible because I literally act perfectly and if someone were to call me out on it I dread to think what it would do to me given how hard I try to be the best I can be. It's the lack of comfort and relax in any situation other than when I'm on my own where I then feel incredibly alone and depressed. I'm on high alert in every social interaction making sure I hold myself correctly. I long to just be relaxed and laugh and have banter and not be so on duty but I'm just terrified I'll come across wrong. People are so used to me being like this that they would get such a shock and it makes me feel so fraudulent. This is me too obviously, but the fact that no one sees me angry, sad, etc is ridiculous. Sometimes I try to push myself and think about opening up but when is the right time when you never do it? Why should they have to listen? They won't understand, I'm too complex, it either confuses and freaks people out or they just think I'm being dramatic because I'm always happy. It scares me that even with my parents I watch what I do and say but am pretty much myself but I sometimes think, God forbid when they're not here anymore I'm going to wither away. I don't know how to let out emotion with anyone not even then so I think I would spontaneously combust. I can't imagine myself sitting with someone other than possibly my best friend being slightly quiet because I'm in a mood or venting my irritation etc because of past results of this, exposure, being up for judgement not being perfect Ellie anymore which I so desperately need to be apparently... I have no idea how everyone else does it. Just lets themselves be.... I scrutinise myself and desperately need to come across perfect, polite, welcoming, efficient, reliable, supportive, kind, funny............I don't even know what my end goal is. I get treated worse than any of my other friends because prob just walk all over me so it's clearly not getting me anywhere and yet I am Absolutely terrified of changing, letting go...

[randomforeigner]

Maybe you could start by opening up to just one person? Or if it's too difficult you could start to write about it here? When you say "I don't know how to let out emotion with anyone ... so I think I would spontaneously combust" I came to think of a couple of times when, in the past, I attended some painting classes. Attending a (beginner?) painting class could be a way to work out those emotions, and then you'll also meet new people with whom you could be more spontaneous, they don't know you from before and you're not likely to meet them again unless you keep one or two as friends of course. Just a thought. Evening classes probably start in January (assuming there are some, somewhere close by) so you have just enough time to check it up and enroll. It's not for everybody, but it worked for me at least. I had no particular experience prior to joining those classes (I actually took the same class twice just because I liked it so much).

[SLA]

Can you think of one situation recently where you wanted to open up, and say something but didn't?

What would be one aspect of your life you'd like to open up about more?

[elik]

Hi, I just feel like I've made a hole for myself as I have a few close-ish friends but I'm not THAT close. It's hard to explain myself to people as they don't get it and usually when I have randomly opened up to someone in the past about my anxiety etc the very fact that I'm talking to them about it makes them feel that I talk about it in general because everyone thinks I've got support somewhere else so there's no desperation. The fact is I don't talk to anyone about this at all apart from my best friend who has been away for 9 months and I've forgotten how to talk to her properly about it. When all you do in life is tell people you're ok they wouldn't believe the struggle I go through and I know that even if I opened up I'd 1. Feel guilty for putting it on them 2. They'd think I'm exaggerating and 3. I've made myself more vulnerable

I'd say what I want to achieve is to be able to act as me, feel comfortable to talk when I'm stressed and to avoid situations where I am constantly pushed over.

---------- Post added at 13:01 ---------- Previous post was at 12:56 ----------

Also, I'm not close enough with many people to actually be able to have such conversatile a. It's something so sensitive to me that I cannot take the risk of being patronised and saying oh it's fine I'm like that or you're being silly . It's these sort of things that drive me into deeper spiral as I cannot communicate my pain. My own parents don't get it and I refuse to talk about it because without fail I'll walk away and cry out of frustration that it's me on my own. Especially as they are so supportive, it's the chat that I'm not that bad or you go out you laugh you talk etc like I'm supposed to be some morbid person so that people can see my pain. Well I can't do that because I'm busy with Hugh anxiety to ensure people are ok and I'm doing everything right so my anxiety actually prevents me from being anxious. Now that's complicated....