HIV -- fear just wont go away

[Inanna]

Hi all

I was in a relationship with a guy for about 4 years. We had some unprotected sex in the first couple of years, but then he admitted to me that he had had a brief fling with a woman, who was English, but worked and lived in Namibia (before he knew me).

Well, this sent my HA into orbit. I had several tests, and insisted that he used a condom ( he said he only had protected sex with this other woman, as she was so aware of HIV, living in Africa) from then on in.

The last test was July 15. However, there were a couple of times when he didn't put one on, before entering me (sorry, :blush:), but within a minute I managed to get him to stop. No ejaculation or anything.

We broke up, mostly because I didn't feel trust (he knew I didn't want to have sex without a condom, but he still tried to). The last time we were together was about May 16.

Since September I have had 3 colds/sore throats./coughs. I also have conjunctivitis. So I decided to get retested.

I rang the results line, and it sounds like it is saying HIV - negative. However, the tone is different, and I can't quite believe it. I have listened to it about 10 times, and it sounds like negative, but I am frightened to believe it. should I ring and ask to speak to an actual nurse to confirm?

As it has been over 3 months, is that test conclusive?

Why can't I believe it? I feel so guilty for having a relationship with this man (he wasn't married or anything, but I still feel like I have been a bad person). I feel guilty for having trusted him.

I am not sure what I am asking here, if anything. Maybe just looking for some reassurance.

Thank you for reading.

[ServerError]

Sounds to me like you're feeling a lot of guilt and inner turmoil about the relationship you had with this guy, and your mind is finding it hard to believe there won't be negative consequences for something you feel so guilty about.

I personally feel you need to work on why a sexual encounter with a single guy should make you feel so guilty. I can understand that you may feel violated given that you didn't like him atttemoting unprotected sex. Perhaps your worry about HIV stems from these unpleasant feelings. But you don't have it. The tests would tell you if you did.

[NGD99]

Every test is conclusive after 3 months or more. Forget about this, you're HIV negative

[Inanna]

Thank you both for replying,

yes, I feel like a really bad person for getting into a sexual relationship with this man. I cared a lot about him, but I still feel shame.

I suppose I always feel like I deserve something bad to happen to me. Which, I know is nuts, because illness and bad things do not discriminate, they happen to anyone, good or bad.

I will try to believe that I won't be punished in some way

Thank you again

[Bailey2001]

i can sympathise with your concerns about HIV and refusing to believe your test is negative. I myself had to have 3 before i finally accepted that these tests are true and accurate. Your test was negative, you dont have HIV. Move on and be happy :)

[Inanna]

Hi Bailey

Thanks for your reassuring reply.

I keep ringing the results line, thinking I may have misheard, or that they put the wrong results into my id, and have since corrected it.

I have had so many niggling things. I now have sinusitis (not too severe), I have some sort of cyst on my thigh. Well, that's what I think it is. It doesn't hurt, it is a purple lump. It hurt when it first appeared, I thought it was a boil.

I keep thinking my immune system is not working.

I am so anxious all the time. I only feel safe when I am at home alone, with the curtains drawn.

Coming on here has really helped

thank you

[Bailey2001]

very welcome..can you just not make an appointment to hear the result in person in stead of driving yourself mad worrying? Believe me they wouldnt hang about if you had tested positive, im pretty sure they would have rung you or written.

When you think you are ill, you can imagine all kinds of terrible things are happening to you when really they are just little minor things. We are not posting in a health anixety forum for nothing? We dont have rational thoughts sometimes about the smallest of complaints but instead decide to pick the worst and rarest disease we can possibly thing off.

Go and see the GP, get to hear from your own ears and accept. The test is very very very accurate, if you are being told its negative, its negative :)