Mgy
21-11-16, 07:54
I'm feeling so hopeless right now. I apologise if this is a bit rambling but I need to just let this out.
I feel like I'm drowning at the moment and it's terrifying me. I've always had issues with anxiety for as long as I can remember. My OCD symptoms started at a very young age and in the same way I only realised that as an adult, I also look back and can now see how anxiety has controlled my life in so many other ways, too.
I feel like I've already lost a good chunk of my life to anxiety, my 20s have been a wasted decade. While medication, CBT and Exposure and Response prevention has made a huge impact on my OCD, with each passing year my general anxiety is getting worse and worse (I say general anxiety because it seems to take so many forms). It's like I just get terrified of more and more things.
I cannot hold down a job due to anxiety. This is nothing new. From around age 8, I could never manage a full week at school without playing sick or as I got older truanting so I didn't have to go anywhere. From a young age I would develop mental blocks on certain lessons and avoid them, which resulted in my failing to attend a single class in two different subjects in my last two years at school. The same at college. Sometimes it had nothing to do with a particular fear, I just felt anxiety when I woke up and did everything I could to get out of it Now, the same with work. For 10 years, I had a freelance job which involved constantly having to go to new places and meet new people and even though I was always fine once I got there, I tried to get out of every single job. I eventually quit because I was sick of feeling that way, even though I liked the job itself.
I tried to build up my 'tolerance' slowly with a volunteer position 2 hours a week. I couldn't even do that every week. I feel so guilty and ashamed of it. This also affects other aspects of my life. Basically, the minute I make any kind of commitment to do anything or go anywhere whether that be work or socialising or a doctor's appointment, I start to panic and try to get out of it. And worse yet, even when I have managed to force myself into doing things and found it's absolutely fine and I feel absolutely fine once I'm there, it doesn't get any easier the next time around. it's like I wake up and it's back to default anxiety mode.
In the last couple of years, I've become terrified of walking alone, even during the day. I can't drive because - shock - it terrifies me, which leaves me stuck and isolated and adds to the anxiety about going places and doing things. I've also developed fears I never had before, a full blown panic attack before flying a few months ago despite the fact it has never been a problem before. A fear of getting into lifts. A fear of strangers. A fear of relationships. Health anxiety. It's like I am scared of living!! I feel like I can't get my head above water, that I'm gradually getting sucked deeper and deeper under this heavy wave of anxiety. It's like the world suddenly became this terrifying place, danger and threats around every corner and worst of all I can rationalise all of it!
I'm so angry. Angry that I'm wasting my life, angry that I have to feel like this, angry that I can't just be normal. It makes me feel so self-centred and selfish. Like I can't just get off my butt and do what needs to be done. Everything has to be a challenge, a hurdle for me. I despise myself for it. I feel like it's my fault because I see people with similar problems forging ahead and coping and I just can't. I just want to be able to live a life. I'm so tired of feeling scared. I'm so tired of not being able to cope with uncertainty on any scale. I hate feeling so helpless and hopeless and suffocated by my own mind.
I want to be able to dream and hope again.
I feel like I'm drowning at the moment and it's terrifying me. I've always had issues with anxiety for as long as I can remember. My OCD symptoms started at a very young age and in the same way I only realised that as an adult, I also look back and can now see how anxiety has controlled my life in so many other ways, too.
I feel like I've already lost a good chunk of my life to anxiety, my 20s have been a wasted decade. While medication, CBT and Exposure and Response prevention has made a huge impact on my OCD, with each passing year my general anxiety is getting worse and worse (I say general anxiety because it seems to take so many forms). It's like I just get terrified of more and more things.
I cannot hold down a job due to anxiety. This is nothing new. From around age 8, I could never manage a full week at school without playing sick or as I got older truanting so I didn't have to go anywhere. From a young age I would develop mental blocks on certain lessons and avoid them, which resulted in my failing to attend a single class in two different subjects in my last two years at school. The same at college. Sometimes it had nothing to do with a particular fear, I just felt anxiety when I woke up and did everything I could to get out of it Now, the same with work. For 10 years, I had a freelance job which involved constantly having to go to new places and meet new people and even though I was always fine once I got there, I tried to get out of every single job. I eventually quit because I was sick of feeling that way, even though I liked the job itself.
I tried to build up my 'tolerance' slowly with a volunteer position 2 hours a week. I couldn't even do that every week. I feel so guilty and ashamed of it. This also affects other aspects of my life. Basically, the minute I make any kind of commitment to do anything or go anywhere whether that be work or socialising or a doctor's appointment, I start to panic and try to get out of it. And worse yet, even when I have managed to force myself into doing things and found it's absolutely fine and I feel absolutely fine once I'm there, it doesn't get any easier the next time around. it's like I wake up and it's back to default anxiety mode.
In the last couple of years, I've become terrified of walking alone, even during the day. I can't drive because - shock - it terrifies me, which leaves me stuck and isolated and adds to the anxiety about going places and doing things. I've also developed fears I never had before, a full blown panic attack before flying a few months ago despite the fact it has never been a problem before. A fear of getting into lifts. A fear of strangers. A fear of relationships. Health anxiety. It's like I am scared of living!! I feel like I can't get my head above water, that I'm gradually getting sucked deeper and deeper under this heavy wave of anxiety. It's like the world suddenly became this terrifying place, danger and threats around every corner and worst of all I can rationalise all of it!
I'm so angry. Angry that I'm wasting my life, angry that I have to feel like this, angry that I can't just be normal. It makes me feel so self-centred and selfish. Like I can't just get off my butt and do what needs to be done. Everything has to be a challenge, a hurdle for me. I despise myself for it. I feel like it's my fault because I see people with similar problems forging ahead and coping and I just can't. I just want to be able to live a life. I'm so tired of feeling scared. I'm so tired of not being able to cope with uncertainty on any scale. I hate feeling so helpless and hopeless and suffocated by my own mind.
I want to be able to dream and hope again.