alexj30
22-11-16, 13:36
my name is alex and im 26year old with 3 children an a husband.
i dont no where to start i have only just come to terms with this myself. I no i have had a problem for about 3 half years now but now everyone knows and im completely loosing control.i hid behind my son for many years he was born 3 half years ago and he has never been easy he had health problems (asthma) and behaviour problems and i always used to say i cant go out because of him but ow he is at pre school and just recently my partner asked me to go shopping alone while my boy in school i completely freaked out i no i cant go out alone ive known for many years but it was my secret now my partner knows and said i need to get over it. my only two friends have always said i worrying about worrying. and all i do is moan so now i dont talk incase i say the wrong thing. many things have happened over the years i got a job lasted 5 days in a salon and had panic attacks and quit i then had another job had a trial broke down to a mentor and had a panic attack never went back and now my partner is asking why im not advertising for my hairdressing self employed this is because i cant i worry who am i going to meet what if i dont talk ect.... its stupid because i love hairdressing and i would love to contribute money as my partner works soo hard i feel so guilty. mt dept is horrendous and that needs sorting bbut to sort that i have to work or get debt advise which i cant do as i dont like talking to people its like a vicious circle, its controlling my whole life i only do the school run alone and even then i keep my head down and if i see someone i know i try to avoid them so i dont have to talk. i no this is all in my head but i cant get it out its worse day by day.
i lay awake at night thinking what if i did this, what did i do wrong, what am i doing tomorrow. another big huge problem is the car now my partner has known about this as i cant hide it but my mum lives near blackpool and i make excuses not to go up there as i hate the drive my partner drives but i sit there having a full on panic attack crying sick shacking no breathing the lot the whole journey i get angry and sick the night before and take it out on everyone. i think we all gonna die or crash. another one is my partner goes to work at 4am and i cant get back to sleep until i no he at work im scared he will die on the way to work and i think thats because everyone im close to dies, in the last 3 years my granddad died then gran a year later then 4 weeks before my wedding the man who was giving me away my uncel passed this year. im just sooo confused i have 120 things going on in my head at once and then all of a sudden nothing i dont feel anything i sit there silent dont talk to my husband or kids i just feel numb or head going 100 mile a hour. it took my 3 weeks to book a appointment as my mum is now begging me to make one and i have for friday but im sooo scared i dont no if i will make it im worried he will think im lying or pull a face at me like im nothing, because i was a young mum i always think people judge as they have all my life. anyone please advise needed i cant go on like this any longer.
i dont no where to start i have only just come to terms with this myself. I no i have had a problem for about 3 half years now but now everyone knows and im completely loosing control.i hid behind my son for many years he was born 3 half years ago and he has never been easy he had health problems (asthma) and behaviour problems and i always used to say i cant go out because of him but ow he is at pre school and just recently my partner asked me to go shopping alone while my boy in school i completely freaked out i no i cant go out alone ive known for many years but it was my secret now my partner knows and said i need to get over it. my only two friends have always said i worrying about worrying. and all i do is moan so now i dont talk incase i say the wrong thing. many things have happened over the years i got a job lasted 5 days in a salon and had panic attacks and quit i then had another job had a trial broke down to a mentor and had a panic attack never went back and now my partner is asking why im not advertising for my hairdressing self employed this is because i cant i worry who am i going to meet what if i dont talk ect.... its stupid because i love hairdressing and i would love to contribute money as my partner works soo hard i feel so guilty. mt dept is horrendous and that needs sorting bbut to sort that i have to work or get debt advise which i cant do as i dont like talking to people its like a vicious circle, its controlling my whole life i only do the school run alone and even then i keep my head down and if i see someone i know i try to avoid them so i dont have to talk. i no this is all in my head but i cant get it out its worse day by day.
i lay awake at night thinking what if i did this, what did i do wrong, what am i doing tomorrow. another big huge problem is the car now my partner has known about this as i cant hide it but my mum lives near blackpool and i make excuses not to go up there as i hate the drive my partner drives but i sit there having a full on panic attack crying sick shacking no breathing the lot the whole journey i get angry and sick the night before and take it out on everyone. i think we all gonna die or crash. another one is my partner goes to work at 4am and i cant get back to sleep until i no he at work im scared he will die on the way to work and i think thats because everyone im close to dies, in the last 3 years my granddad died then gran a year later then 4 weeks before my wedding the man who was giving me away my uncel passed this year. im just sooo confused i have 120 things going on in my head at once and then all of a sudden nothing i dont feel anything i sit there silent dont talk to my husband or kids i just feel numb or head going 100 mile a hour. it took my 3 weeks to book a appointment as my mum is now begging me to make one and i have for friday but im sooo scared i dont no if i will make it im worried he will think im lying or pull a face at me like im nothing, because i was a young mum i always think people judge as they have all my life. anyone please advise needed i cant go on like this any longer.