I really do not know what to do now

[worrier83]

I really do not know where to turn to now. I am getting so much much worse it is getting embarrassing. I was on sertraline but after going back to my GP because I did not think it was helping, she basically told me it was my life which was messing me up not my brain chemistry and to 'sort it out'. That really hurt. If I was as rich as a GP I would feel free to just quit my hated job, I wouldn't have the money worries I do but sadly I cannot afford to do that! I cannot wish away my husband lifelong chronic illness and the inevitable negative side effects it has on both our lives. I cannot just 'sort out' infertility and the terrible ache for the family I never got to have while watching my sister 'live the dream' with her own child. I got home from that GP appointment and just tossed my pills in the bin. I could not see the point of returning to the GP's again.

Once the withdrawal was over I was back to feeling how I was while on sertraline - not good, not bad. However slowly but surely things have been getting bad again. I think the winter and SAD has accelerated everything but my anxiety is getting out of hand:

I have developed an inability to use escalators going down. Never had problems before but now just pure panic, taking ages at the start of the stairs and just freaking out. If I get on them i am shaking all the way down. Escalators going up - not a problem. Going down I am just avoiding them now. (Also getting issues going down stairs, I just know I am going to fall down them and if I cannot cling to the hand rail - not going down!).

I have also lost my ability to deal with listening to more than one thing at once. For example if the TV/radio is on and my husband is talking to me, the TV has to be turned off. I just cannot concentrate with all the noise, I start feeling more and more anxious about the noise levels and my inability to follow what the other person is saying - this is a bit of an issue at work as most of my time is spent audio typing, any background noise in the office (ie most of the time) is just setting my anxiety sky high.

Oh and also the tearfulness, anything and I am on the verge of tears. My fuse is very very short at the moment and only the slightest push or aggravation has me in tears of frustration. I had a full blown panic attack the other day which has not happened to me in years.

I am just eating and eating. If I try to diet, the slightest food mistake is unforgivable so I punish myself with eating more junk. I have put on three stone, have nothing to wear to work which is also killing my self confidence as I am wearing the same trousers and same few t-shirts every day.

I have zero self confidence in anything, talking to colleagues and I am stuttering, playing with my hair, fidgeting - it must look so pathetic to watch.

Basically I am really struggling right now and I don't know what to do. I just want to hide away but I cannot do that. It is a waste of time going back to the GP - they don't care and I don't think the tablets work. I have been on CBT courses but they were deemed 'not suitable' for my problems, I cannot see the point of self referring to the counselling service again as it takes so long to get to see someone.

I just cannot get this anxiety under control - it feels like it just suddenly come from nowhere and just taken over.

[mezzaninedoor]

Though you cannot see the value in any of the services that you could seek help from, there is likely to be help available there whether its medical model or therapy model. If you dont like your GP, perhaps find a different GP at the same surgery and clearly identify whats bothering you about how you feel the GP has treated you.
The facts are that Meds and Therapy do work for most people in some manner though its not always an easy path to get through to treatement that works. I would urge you to seek some support as your Self talk is very negative and not helping you at the moment hence the need for help to challenge that self talk.

I wish you well

[randomforeigner]

Would it help if you didn't have any junk food at home? Everyone knows (I think) that it's hard to have e.g. biscuits or chocolate lying around at home for any length of time. Do throw away your old clothes and purchase something that fits so you have at least two sets of clothes that fits, and set as your primary goal to stay put weight wise not to gain any more weight, that's also a suggestion. As for the escalator you could perhaps find a really short one and practice it going down. Taking long walks in parks or anywhere where there is a bit of trees and nature might also be helpful, if you havent tested it, it might be worth a try (and also help with the weight issue). See too it that you eat a healthy breakfast so you don't get those unnecessary dips in blood sugar which will only make you eat junk food, being a little bit smart you might have a bag of sliced carrots ready in your handbag or a couple of raisins or similar, so you can eat that instead of purchasing junk food and chocolate. Just my thoughts.