Parents obsessed with work - and nothing else

[inthemind85]

After over a decade of full time work under my belt I've hit my first emotional hurdle - and started getting panic attacks in the last 2 years. It got so bad I went on long term sick and then after a really lonely period decided to quit.

This was a year ago. At first my parents were understanding but within the last three months (mainly my mum) will start asking 'have you updated your cv?' 'What have you applied for?' 'Just get yourself a ****ing job'.

I want to get better on my own terms but this attitude really doesn't help. Thing is my mum got kicked out at 18 and had to be independent, but rather than ask her son how he is feeling, I get stock platitudes such as 'you've just got to do it, you can COPE'. A life view of 'coping' to me seems like an uphill struggle all the way, it doesn't have to be that black and white, or so negative.

On top of this, I never indulge in any of my hobbies (music making) because I fear my parents (mother) will see me as being lazy and not looking for work. It's all about work and it's making me feel crazy.

Admittedly I have been housebound for a while and refused meds, but now 31 I have worked since 18 so never had these confrontations before. I still can't get over how I have zero emotional support, despite a few ambulance calls after my first panic attacks. My mum is basically like 'you NEED some medication and then just get out there'. What I really need is somebody to talk about my feelings with without the constant 'but you need to get a job' coming into it,

I was ill last night, both my parents came down with a stomach bug last week and I suspect I'm getting it. Feeling really bad so said to my mum this morning how I'm in agony and going to take it easy today. They have just gone out, at no point did my mum ask if I was ok, all I got was (as I'm lying in bed) 'just think about work, just think about work' and then they've gone out.

Does this seem normal or extreme behaviour? I can't leave this house as I can't afford to move out on my own, I have no partner and more recently no social life (brother moved out) - so I'm stuck here however long it's going to take. I don't want to just get any old job to please my mother, I understand I need to start thinking of my own future but it really scares me - anybody have any advice with mothers like this? Can I reason with them or should I start looking for a spare room somewhere else?

[NeedToSleep]

I can't give you a lot of advice but I wanted to reply as I'm in pretty much the same boat myself. I'm not working at the moment as I did a masters degree later in life and I've been jobless for the last few months. However, part of the reason I decided to go in this direction is that my last job made my anxiety and depression a lot worse so I needed to get out of there anyway. My Dad is fixated on me getting a job, to the point where we've had arguments about it. I can barely leave the house sometimes, due to extreme anxiety.

I think we live in a society in which people are obsessed with what we do for work and don't seem to get that people may need to take another path in life, even if temporary. I think these unspoken expectations in life can make anxiety much worse.

Sorry that I can't offer much advice, but I really hope that you can manage to ignore your parents' expectations and do what is best for you.

[Hanm88]

I just wanted to say that I am also in the same boat. You are not alone.

The difference being, my mother wants to move out and in with her partner and sell the house I'm living in right now. So I'm stopping her from moving forward in life, and I get a lot of grief because of it.

I am also terrified of what I'm going to do in the future, where will I live..how will I cope..can I handle life alone? Is life always going to be this painful? I'm very scared of the future also. If the worst comes to the worst, I will have to move in with my dad, but that has its downsides.

[.Poppy.]

I'm sorry. That's rough :(

You're certainly not alone, as others have said. I'm about to graduate college and have to leave my student position that I love in order to start a new full-time job. Great, but scary. I haven't moved out yet because there aren't any good rentals right now, which is probably for the best as I can adjust to my new job comfortably.

Even having a job, though, there is so much doubt. Will this job pay the amount that I want? Was I realistic enough with how much money I need to live on? Should I have held out for a "better" position? Will this job be a total waste of time or good for my career (as if I knew what I really was working toward) in the long run? And on...and on...

Add that to low self-esteem and a massive fear of my friends moving away/never getting married and life isn't all that peachy right now!

I think there's a lot of uncertainty in life, and I think we tend to believe that by a certain age we'll have it all "figured out" and that's just not the case. We live, we learn, we make massive bounds forward, and we face devastating setbacks. Such is the world.

I also think, based on my own frustrating relationship with my MH and my parents, that they mean well but if you don't have personal experience going through this crap you simply don't have a good frame of reference. Sometimes it may even make them feel powerless to help/understand you, which is no doubt frustrating. I know even when I'm having "good days" it can be easy to forget the really bad ones and how it truly felt.

Probably the best thing for you to do is to sit down with your mother for a good ol' talk. Let her know that you by all means WANT to get better and move on with your life - who wouldn't!? - but that it's not so simple or cut and dried. You both have to find a way to move forward.

That said, I think for you moving forward requires two things, and in this order:
1) Address your mental health. You don't want to take meds. Okay, but why? Have you addressed your concerns with a physician? If not meds, then what? Do you have a self help series you're looking to try? Are you going to get into therapy? I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you simply wait for this junk to go away it actually totally might, but it will most likely come back and you'll be ill-prepared to deal with it. I went through a few cycles of anxiety/depression coming on and going away and each time it got more and more intense until I simply had a breakdown.

FWIW, meds SHOULD be coupled with therapy. Either way, therapy's a given.

2) You need to address "life". I'm not saying you should have a career right off and move out right away either, that probably won't do you a bit of good. But do something. Volunteer somewhere. Take on a part time job. Play your music for people! Once you feel just nearly able (because of course you'll always find a reason not to) get out there and get on with it. Do it for a bit, learn to cope, then step up a level. Move on to a job with more hours. Then maybe look into your own place.


I know it feels completely unfair and like the world is against you - I do, really. I'm so there too. But bringing a little bit of control back into your world on your own terms and seeking the help you need is also incredibly empowering and can be exactly what you need.