View Full Version : Judgemental people.
I've always found it so hard to deal with, judgemental people that is, and people who just ask really inappropriate questions. I feel like people just can't accept other's who are 'different' to them or their circle.
There are three things in my life that people, even strangers feel the need to pass comments on ALL the time, some say they are just having a laugh but to me it's passive aggressive or just plain bitchy.
One is the fact that I don't drink, all i get is "how can you not drink?" "Just enjoy yourself"
for example I can go months without any alcohol, I've never really enjoyed it and have just as good a night as all friends/family without it!. I'm ways the first up dancing, I'm laughing all night long, so why do I need to drink to please others?
I usually have two or three and that's it.
Another is I'm bisexual and the majority of people either think it's a 'made up' thing or that I'm actually just gay.
It really annoys me, I've been with my boyfriend for years why do I need to 'make something up' I'm not 12 years old. And I get comments such as "Are you sure you're actually bisexual?"
Errr, yes pretty sure.
Or the best one is "Really! What does your partner think?!"
As if my sexuality is some sort of betrayal, they're ridiculous people I know, but they get under my skin.
Last but not least the one that upsets me the most,
"When are you having children?" "Clocks ticking"
Shitty comments like these I find extremely insensitive. Yet so many otherwise nice people say it to me all the time, I feel like I'm 50 the way they go on. There isn't but there could easily be reasons why I don't have children yet, I had a miscarriage a few years back but people don't think about these things, I just wouldn't ever ask people such personal things, or comment on anyone's life choices the way they do to me.
:mad:
MyNameIsTerry
28-11-16, 06:04
"How can you not drink" can be an innocent thing to say. They may even say it as a comment towards themselves in that they couldn't get through life without beer. The "let yourself have fun" type comments as well as the previous one all depend on tone. It can be harmless banter or well meaning, it's the tone that matters.
I think you have to consider it from outside of your own position too. If someone hasn't had experience of the LGBT community or had some form of education through media or interest study, their understanding will contain ignorance and some people will feel too uncomfortable to comment where as some are more vocal but don't realise how it comes across. There are some that take ignorance as an opportunity to cry bigot but that can be unfair as it assumes the person is choosing to act that way rather than unknowingly act.
Bisexuality isn't equal in the LGBT community either. There is prejudice from gay people, some or all of which is based on how bisexuality was misused by gay men years ago. I bet transgender people get even less understanding. (From what I've heard/read on discussion threads elsewhere when it comes up in the media, which you must have plenty of insight into)
There's always been that question over how a partner can fulfill the needs of someone who is bisexual, as if love is not enough and the bisexual person craves something to be whole but how the hell that could ever be possible outside of open relationships seems ridiculous. I've had gay & bisexual friends or work colleagues but having never discussed that or tried to research it, I wouldn't know how bisexual people feel about it. Do you all agree it's irrelevant and that monogamy is how it works or are the bisexual community divided on this or are both seen as available based on individual? So, do ask out of interest or are they prying?
People tend to look towards stereotypes and expectations. Women are still expected to have certain roles to a lot of people just as men are. It's far from an equal society, men have it worse than women in some ways and women still have it worse than men in others due to playing catch up.
And to end the post on a lower note, don't forget many of us men are quite simple creatures. A woman saying she sleeps with or is attracted to women often triggers our inner caveman shouting 'ruff, ruff, ruff' :emot-drool::winks:
randomforeigner
28-11-16, 06:32
"How can you not drink" can be an innocent thing to say. They may even say it as a comment towards themselves in that they couldn't get through life without beer.
Yes, that one's difficult. "How can you not drink wine/beer/etc.?" I'm more comfortable with it now when I'm older or maybe people don't comment so openly.
I just remember a company Christmas dinner the other year, and when the bill came around, I recall my boss shouting out aloud: -Who the h** ordered a Christmas Root Beer @ £3 !? (There was no shouting about the wine, lager, Swedish mumma drinks, etc. that had been ordered.) Terrible as it felt for me to be singled out, it was not an ill meant comment. The only beer I can stand is probably Singha. Wine is OK in small quantities. Akvavit is out altogether.
It's definitely more the way these things are said that makes me get my back up, and the fact it's said time and time again by the same people. If you knew I didn't really drink 5 years ago why are you still saying "have a drink" "how can you not drink" .. sod off :roflmao:
I feel actually it says more about them than me but it still irritates me.
And with regards to sexuality I honestly have no idea how the LGBT community feels. I have heard the odd comment before from both a gay and straight person about bisexuality.
To me there is no confusion, if I'm in a happy committed relationship with a man or woman then that's all I need. As i'm living proof of that, in no way can it make you not fulfilled or more likely to cheat, hell what's all the straight people's excuse!
I've known since I was early teens that I was attracted to both men and women, it's never been a problem for me or my current/former partners. It only seems to bother others who can't get their head around it.
I agree that some of the comments are not meant to cause any offence but from my point of view I would never make comments that are personal and especially publicly that could possibly make someone feel uncomfortable, not enough people think before they speak.
I get what you mean KatiePink. I'm straight (sorry if that's the wrong word to use) and don't personally know anybody who is gay/bi but even if they were, as long as they weren't hitting on me it's irrelevant to me and I wouldn't ever feel the need to discuss their preferences.
I get annoying comments from relatives that are harmless in their eyes but in mine it's a disgrace. I've (in the past not recent) been told I dress like a tramp, when I was letting my hair dye grow out I got comments on my roots etc, yes I acknowledge it wasn't meant to offend, but it did and I wouldn't dream of commenting on someone's roots when it is pretty obvious they're growing their hair out (or even if they weren't for that matter). Some people just don't think before they speak, unfortunately we are the ones who have to just accept it. Which is very, very hard to do.
I'm lucky with the alcohol as I haven't had many bad comments. I haven't drank alcohol in over 3.5 years (I've had a sip of baileys a couple of Christmases ago and a sip of Kopperberg that my partner made me taste, but that's it). I hate the taste, it makes me anxious and I'm never in a situation where it'd be appropriate to drink for the sake of getting drunk (I don't go out anymore as I feel like a proper uggo). I had somebody talk to me on the bus last week (one of my worst nightmares) and they asked if I go out drinking and I said I didn't drink and they said "Good for you" so some people think it's a good thing (they sounded genuine not sarcastic).
The children thing would pee me off too. I have a child, whom I love to death, but being a Mother is very difficult and I suspect a large part of why I suffer mental health issues. I've had comments such as "When are you having another", I also went to a wedding early in the year and got the "It's you next" which ticked me off as I've had relationship difficulties for quite a while now and I'm also gutted I've been with my partner almost 11 years (it's our 'anniversary' on Thursday) and he's never asked me to marry him. Provably never will.
Sorry I've had a bit of a rant on your thread, I really shouldn't post on others topics when I'm in one hehe. I do get what you're saying though. I wouldn't ever say personal comments either. To finish my 'rant' I'll add that around the time I was diagnosed with PND a relative told me I didn't love my daughter!! What a slap in the face.
MyNameIsTerry
28-11-16, 11:53
I'm 40, live with my parents and have no children nor have I ever been married. Some people look at you like you are weird for such things. I try not to engage in discussions about these things as well.
Everyone is judgemental to varying degrees, and anyone who says they aren't is a liar. :D
It's with how much conviction you trust your judgement, and how you let it control your beliefs and actions that is the issue.
MyNameIsTerry
28-11-16, 12:36
Is Judge Mental the one on ITV3? :winks:
mezzaninedoor
28-11-16, 13:05
I think SLA is right, we are all judgemental in different ways in one way or another.
I attended a diversity meeting with our Life Exec committee as a member of staff who was diverse ( has BiPolar ) and got to speak about my experience within our company, however the HR person that day was talking about unconcious bias and I leanrt a lot that afternoon.
he brought up statistics that showed/underlined that the young discrimante against the old unconciously but so too do the old against the young and he could flip all sorts of diversifications within the workforce where there was unconcious bias. However there was also concious bias against things like LGBT, Mental Health, Disability etc as well
We are not just nature but nurture and we carry some nurtured prejudices with us it seems
MyNameIsTerry
28-11-16, 14:06
Before psychology have people so many jobs, we used to call that "how life is", eh, Tony? :winks:
I can't help but see the irony given another thread on this page right now. :doh: Diversity is part of enriching our lives, surely?
There's a difference between being judgemental in your head, to saying something judgemental. That's the point. We all think different things but you don't have to vocalise it.
---------- Post added at 14:57 ---------- Previous post was at 14:42 ----------
I get what you mean KatiePink. I'm straight (sorry if that's the wrong word to use) and don't personally know anybody who is gay/bi but even if they were, as long as they weren't hitting on me it's irrelevant to me and I wouldn't ever feel the need to discuss their preferences.
I get annoying comments from relatives that are harmless in their eyes but in mine it's a disgrace. I've (in the past not recent) been told I dress like a tramp, when I was letting my hair dye grow out I got comments on my roots etc, yes I acknowledge it wasn't meant to offend, but it did and I wouldn't dream of commenting on someone's roots when it is pretty obvious they're growing their hair out (or even if they weren't for that matter). Some people just don't think before they speak, unfortunately we are the ones who have to just accept it. Which is very, very hard to do.
I'm lucky with the alcohol as I haven't had many bad comments. I haven't drank alcohol in over 3.5 years (I've had a sip of baileys a couple of Christmases ago and a sip of Kopperberg that my partner made me taste, but that's it). I hate the taste, it makes me anxious and I'm never in a situation where it'd be appropriate to drink for the sake of getting drunk (I don't go out anymore as I feel like a proper uggo). I had somebody talk to me on the bus last week (one of my worst nightmares) and they asked if I go out drinking and I said I didn't drink and they said "Good for you" so some people think it's a good thing (they sounded genuine not sarcastic).
The children thing would pee me off too. I have a child, whom I love to death, but being a Mother is very difficult and I suspect a large part of why I suffer mental health issues. I've had comments such as "When are you having another", I also went to a wedding early in the year and got the "It's you next" which ticked me off as I've had relationship difficulties for quite a while now and I'm also gutted I've been with my partner almost 11 years (it's our 'anniversary' on Thursday) and he's never asked me to marry him. Provably never will.
Sorry I've had a bit of a rant on your thread, I really shouldn't post on others topics when I'm in one hehe. I do get what you're saying though. I wouldn't ever say personal comments either. To finish my 'rant' I'll add that around the time I was diagnosed with PND a relative told me I didn't love my daughter!! What a slap in the face.
No need to say sorry, yep I understand everything. I think there are people like us and people like them.
They do not think about the wider effects of their comments or bother to think what this person's reasons may be for living the way they do.
I find it insensitive. If people who are close to you are asking in private genuinely out of care for someone that's different, but it's usually someone who has never bothered to have a proper conversation with you and prefer to put people down intentionally /unintentionally.
---------- Post added at 15:02 ---------- Previous post was at 14:57 ----------
I'm 40, live with my parents and have no children nor have I ever been married. Some people look at you like you are weird for such things. I try not to engage in discussions about these things as well.
Yes anyone living a life that may not be the social norm would most likely have experienced some uncomfortable questioning.
Mine has mostly come from co workers over the years. I shrug it off but inside I want to say "Why would you ask somebody that question?" It's the way it's delivered as well, as if there's something wrong with you.
Would you describe yourself as a sensitive person Katie?
I'd describe myself as one.
Would you describe yourself as a sensitive person Katie?
I'd describe myself as one.
I ask myself this question quite a lot, on one hand I would say yes i am sensitive to a lot of things. Another side of me says no I am just normal, I don't like seeing people/animals being hurt, I can't stand to see bullying or people being oppressed these things make me sad.
I can take quite a lot when it comes to comments, I've not had a typically easy life and have had to develop thick skin for most of it. Still doesn't stop me thinking it's rude.
---------- Post added at 15:22 ---------- Previous post was at 15:14 ----------
I can't help but see the irony given another thread on this page right now. Diversity is part of enriching our lives, surely?
__________
Not quite sure what this is supposed to mean Terry.
I'm guessing the irony is aimed at me and the other thread in misc?
ServerError
28-11-16, 16:18
Katie, all I'm going to say to you is this: if you've read Eckhart Tolle and you believe in the message, you know all you need to know in order to deal with stuff like this.
Katie, all I'm going to say to you is this: if you've read Eckhart Tolle and you believe in the message, you know all you need to know in order to deal with stuff like this.
I know server, I tell myself that alot. It shouldn't even phase me :weep: :doh:
MyNameIsTerry
28-11-16, 23:03
I ask myself this question quite a lot, on one hand I would say yes i am sensitive to a lot of things. Another side of me says no I am just normal, I don't like seeing people/animals being hurt, I can't stand to see bullying or people being oppressed these things make me sad.
I can take quite a lot when it comes to comments, I've not had a typically easy life and have had to develop thick skin for most of it. Still doesn't stop me thinking it's rude.
---------- Post added at 15:22 ---------- Previous post was at 15:14 ----------
Not quite sure what this is supposed to mean Terry.
I'm guessing the irony is aimed at me and the other thread in misc?
It wasn't aimed at you, Katie, it was ironic that we are discussing what people think & say on here in one way and another conversation is carrying on a theme from elsewhere that has been proven wrong in the past on NMP.
MyNameIsTerry
29-11-16, 04:54
Yes anyone living a life that may not be the social norm would most likely have experienced some uncomfortable questioning.
Mine has mostly come from co workers over the years. I shrug it off but inside I want to say "Why would you ask somebody that question?" It's the way it's delivered as well, as if there's something wrong with you.
The trouble is...
https://images-eu.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/G/01/dvd/sony/StepBrothers/StepBrothers_9lg.jpghttp://www.asset1.net/tv/pictures/movie/step-brothers-2008/Step-Brothers-LB-1.jpg
...:blush:
Co workers would be the same for me. Fortunately I have known now so it was ex co workers but as time has moved on the old "how are you" stop in the supermarket is rare anyway. Maybe a head nod or "hello" as you walk past.
Everyone is judgemental to varying degrees, and anyone who says they aren't is a liar. :D
It's with how much conviction you trust your judgement, and how you let it control your beliefs and actions that is the issue.
Absolutely right. Everyone has their prejudices. It may even be against judgemental people:D.
N.
mezzaninedoor
22-12-16, 09:04
This is something that has come up in other threads to a degree.
We, of course, seem to trust our own intuition more than other people and when we get our own take on things supported by spurious disinformation I think we can sometimes become a tad judgemental. We all need to step back occasionally I guess and ensure that we are not falling down on this !!!
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