Panic attacks from sms from suicidal sister dr says I'm being emotionally manipulated

[quantumleap]

My sister Carla has severe depression, cries a lot, on heavy antidepressants etc. She is clearly struggling a lot. She rents with her boyfriend out of town, I live alone in the city.

In the last few weeks Carla has repeatedly told me she wants to kill herself, how no-one loves her, how everyone would be better off without her. Every single time I reassure her that I love her, her family loves her, that we will stand with her.

When it comes to me trying to help, saying I can take her to see the doctor, suggesting she speaks to her counsellor etc. she refuses. When she told me a few days ago that she knows how she's going to do it, I said I wanted to take her to the ER (she lives an hour's drive away, but I said I'd come anyway), she refused again, and about an hour later said she was fine now and said goodnight.

Since then I have seen my doctor, who happens to be a previous doctor of her. I told the Dr how worried I was about Carla etc, and broke down crying. The doctor told me, after saying she didn't realise we were related, that my sister was struggling with severe depression and is certainly "troubled".

The doctor said she couldn't go into specifics due to confidentiality but what my sister is doing to me is a type of emotional manipulation, and that it's a cry out for sympathy, and wants everyone to run to her saying "it's going to be ok" etc. The doctor said my sister can't have it both ways by crying out and then refusing help. The doctor has "given me permission" to be more firm with my sister, and that I need to look after my own health (I'm a long time anxiety sufferer).

I am 100% sure that Carla is not aware of the manipulation she's claimed to be doing.

It has got to the point that any time a message comes through from Carla, every day at least, that I have an anxiety attack, because I know it's going to lead to her saying she wants to die, or no one can do anything to help.

How can I be more firm, without increasing the risk of her killing herself?

[Fishmanpa]

In the US, we can get someone admitted to a mental health hospital based on what you're saying. What are the laws like in the UK?

Your sister is troubled and obviously at risk... Perhaps a few phone calls are in order to help her.

Positive thoughts

[MyNameIsTerry]

Here is everything from MIND about the legal sectioning process in the UK, if it's of any use?

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/legal-rights/sectioning

When I had therapy I would be asked to rate my self harm risk and explain how likely I was to follow through and what would stop me. This included asking about planning. It's a standard thing therapists do, even in those with no risk, it allows them to comply with the law. Given she states she is planning, you could discuss this with a doctor and if you or your family, or even the doctor, started the sectioning process off it will be up to the assessing team as to whether she needs taking in somewhere and one of you will end up being her legal advocate as her rights are greatly reduced under this law to protect her. However, not all these places are nice and calm sanctuaries, they can be hit & miss as to who she is in there with, just bare that in mind.

Have you thought of seeking advice from someone a bit more professional, like the charities? It's all well and good for a GP to say raise it but they should be giving guidance on how or their advice is pretty worthless.

[Buster70]

Hi , I'm not sure I have the exact answer you are looking for but I'm in the same position but with my partner she also suffers with depression and has other health issues , she has taken an overdose three times the most recent one nearly killed her a few months ago , the difference being when she has done it she hasn't told me untill after when I've gone out somwhere far then I've got the text to say goodbye , on all of the occasions and when my daughter did the same they didn't say I'm going to kill myself today , it's made me very jumpy with my phone and I panic if they don't pick up or reply to texts , cbt helped a little in realising if they want to do it they will and me running home every time I don't get a text won't change anything , she is putting pressure on you and you need to look after yourself as well or it will drag you under , my partner also refuses help unless it's on her terms but I've never gone as far as to try and get her sectioned , you need to explain to her how you feel and try and get the best help for her that's available , take care .

[quantumleap]

Hi all, and thanks for the replies.

I know she sees her GP quite regularly, and that they know about her suicidal thoughts. She has been referred to see a therapist, not sure when that will come through. The GP is happy to see her every 2 weeks, and has given her a number to call if she's feeling like she might do something.

So having said that I don't think sectioning would be any benefit really. Surely the GP could have done that if they thought it was necessary? I did speak to her own GP over the phone to let them know what she's told me. And she's seen her GP since then.

I'm just not sure how I can be more firm without making her worse? Every single time I get a notification now, I panic, especially when I see its a text from her. I can't cope like this. Until a few weeks ago wed text maybe every week or 3. Now it's daily bombardments of how shit she's feeling and how nothing can help.

Personally I'd love to go back to only speaking occasionally, I know that makes me a bad person for not wanting to help, I just don't know how I can cope going on like this.

Buster, I'm really sorry you've been through that. It sounds very difficult. Have you found anything that helps with the text panics?

[randomforeigner]

You're not a bad person for not wanting to help more. She is ill and need professional support, something which you can't give, because you're too close. You'll only break if you try. Maybe there is some organization supporting relatives to those with suicidal thoughts? Maybe someone else can post a link or suggest something?

[Buster70]

Hi , you are not bad you're just not equipped to deal with it , it can be realy draining , I can't say I've come with ways of dealing with it somtimes I just have to go ahead with what I'm doing and try not to think the worst I've rushed home before to find her in the garden quite happy and the phones in the house , if she sends a good bye message it's different I send an ambulance and get home , it's knowing the difference between her feeling suicidal and needing help and actualy going ahead , most people don't want to die they just can't cope with living the way they feel .

[Shezney]

I had the same problem with my ex, but if someone really wanted to kill themselves then nothing you said or did would stop them. If someone wants to kill their self then it's not anyone else's fault for not answering a text etc . Sounds like it's just attention she's after tho.