So alone and desperate - It's never ending

[elik]

Once again I am in a desperate pit and after releasing some emotions to my therapist I physically feel sick - I can't seem to ever get off this hellish roller coaster. The severity of my depression/anxiety in the past has caused so much damage it seems irreparable. I have had to survive so many days and when I was younger I used to act on this a lot more to give me something to hold on to. Now I'm older and full of regret I just have horrendous sadness, anxiety, depression, guilt and whole load of negative emotion. Always adamant to please, now I'm trying to do this, keep myself together, not burden people, privately drowning in my hatred of myself, petrified of my future and where my anxiety will take me, petrified that I have no say in my life and choices, scared to do anything I'll regret even when in the most desperate sadness, trapped and cornered into misery I have no idea how I can break free and feel I have been here so many times in severe suffering and agonising pain all on my own.

[randomforeigner]

Why don't you have a say in your life and choices? What is it you regret so much that you must hate yourself for it? What happened?

[Bigboyuk]

Hey know exactly what you are going through, been there many times and it does get better then something comes along and you feel terrible again. So like randomforeigner is asking why?? we can help but need more to go on!

[elik]

Obviously with anxiety you over think so my mind nit picks everything I've done to white lies and insecure behaviours demonstrated from my anxiety and then this is a catalyst into my spirals which I then realise ironically that these regrets are all stemmed as a response to the severity of the impact anxiety has had on me and this has made me feel completely out of control of my past present and future. It has enveloped me and I can barely breathe. I'm scared to ever move forward because the amount of times I've fallen back, scared to make big decisions because anxiety can strike in severity at any time and steal away what I've been trying to achieve. It's eating my alive this fear and I am terrified and alone.

---------- Post added at 02:28 ---------- Previous post was at 02:23 ----------

And on realising such behaviours, in the last year I have been robotic in responses and life choices so I don't regret anything... It's ridiculous. This then feeds the terrifying and intrusive thoughts I have. It's truly nightmare like and my entire childhood and adulthood has been like this, poisoning me with terrible memories and outlooks with no clear perspective or sight to guide me. I'm blindly surviving with no choice in living (you'll say I do but how many times I've tried to take choices and move forward I cannot tell you)

[Bigboyuk]

Yes for me too my whole childhood memories was the same and I was shoved into boarding school (special) one for 5 years due to my condition and iam just surving too but it's no fun at all and many a time I feel trapped and isolated It's like some one who I know messaged me and asked how I was and I said I am falling apart and in a mess they replied back No you aren't you are fine. I said I beg your pardon you don't know what you are on about so please don't say that. That really annoys me! I am not sure if I can move on got so stuck in a rut Family don't want to help especaily my brother well he is off my Christmas card list don't like doing this but there we are. and a card has just come through the door mind you he is on a cruise and never thought I could do with a break too?? And a book of stamps in the card I know it's the thought that counts but arrrgh Help!!! I have ripped the card up and binned it, damn family it makes me sick