My experience with health anxiety (feeling so alone)

[eyechick924]

I feel really alone and need to get this off my chest. I'm a 24 year old female away 8 hours from home in my second year of graduate school. I've been lurking on this site for a couple of months and have found it to be helpful with my newfound health anxiety. I have suffered from anxiety for years and have taken an SSRI before but stopped in July because I no longer want to put unnatural substances in my body.

My anxiety morphed into health anxiety when I started taking a medical pathology course in my graduate program (optometry). It started with the typical heart/chest pain fear. I have realized that my chest pain was most likely from taking a lot of metamucil without enough water (trying to lower my cholesterol as it's been elevated since undergrad).

My blood pressure is a beautiful 105-115/70. Always is when I see my GP and take it myself (we both take it manually). But when I go to another office and they take it with an automatic machine it is never the same! One time it was 118/85 and the nurse commented it was high and I went home and obsessively checked my blood pressure for several weeks. At my GI consultation it was 134/78. I went home later and it was 110/70. The nurse said I was nervous because it's a doctor office however at my GP appointment the day before it was 105/65. Weird blood pressure results highly distress me.

Then a classmate found a certain type of eye freckles on my retina (called a CHRPE) that when found in a certain number may indicate familial adenomatous polyposis (a rare genetic colon cancer). It does not run in my family. Numerous staff doctors at my school told me mine are not associated with this presentation. However I still fear colon cancer, especially as I have had weird symptoms (black tarry stools which I think only occurred when I took an NSAID with my SSRI, fresh blood in toilet which my doctor believes are hemorrhoids, and loose stools with diarrhea and mucus). I have not seen any of this since changing my diet and eat a lot of fruits, vegetables, and fiber. My doctor did a fecal occult blood test over the summer. Doctor never posted results so I assumed they were normal but when I saw her a couple weeks ago she could not find the results. She referred me to a GI specialist who will do a colonoscopy on me when I am home for Christmas break.

I also fear skin cancer as I have some atypical looking moles and a history of sun burns. I have light colored hair, skin, and light eyes. But no family history of skin cancer although I do wish my family would go get themselves checked! I have a dermatologist appointment when I am home for Christmas.

I fear kidney problems because a routine dipstick test showed trace protein in my urine last May. GP was not worried so neither was I until we hit the kidney lecture in my pathology class. I regularly check my urine for foam. I do see white bubbles at times. I was home a week ago and re-did my urinalysis. I was supposed to get my results this week but when I talked to my doctor she said because I did not sign the cup, my urine was not tested. I will redo this during my Christmas break (what a fun break I have to look forward to).

I fear cardiovascular disease because my cholesterol has been elevated the past couple years (near optimal for a few years, borderline high for a few). I obsessively eat healthy and exercise 30 minutes a day. I fear unhealthy food now and that too is giving me distress. I constantly google foods to eat to improve my cholesterol and health. I guess this is good but distressing nonetheless.

I found a breast lump about 2 months ago. Doctor says fibrocystic breast changes. This is common in older women but I am only 24! I am switching my birth control from triphasic to monophasic (I took triphasic for only a couple months) so hopefully a more stable dose will help. But I don't want to take birth control anymore because I fear the increased risk of breast cancer. I don't have a strong family history (only one aunt, and I have many many aunts on that side of the family) but I do have large breasts and they feel quite dense to me. I very much fear future breast cancer :(

I have been an obsessive cheek biter for a couple of years. Google says cheek biting can increase risk of oral cancer. So there's that. I will ask my dentist when I'm home.

I never a smoked a cigarette a day in my life however I did smoke quite a bit of hookah during undergrad for a few years. I have not touched it since I graduated about 18 months ago. I now fear I have done permanent damage :( I read one session is the equivalent of 100 cigarettes. Not to mention it uses coal which is terrible and tin foil which I'm sure is also terrible. This is my newest fear. I do not believe I have problems now but I massively fear cancer in the future.

My boyfriend of 4 years (long distance relationship) smokes about a pack a day. He started in late high school. I am trying to get him to quit and I regret letting him smoke all these years. My anxiety is almost at the point where I fear that even if he does quit, he is doomed for cancer later on. And I wonder if this is really something I can handle in a relationship and if it is worth staying together. Which is awful because he's the guy I want to spend my life with. I also worry that he drank too much in college (he drank heavily most days a week for a couple of years). I seriously seriously worry about his liver health. Mine too to a certain extent as I also binge drank while on an SSRI. I no longer drink or plan to.

All of this and I live alone. I do have friends at school but have withdrawn due to anxiety. Going home for thanksgiving was wonderful because my family and boyfriend helped take my mind off of this and I felt normal for once. But being alone even 1 day brought all of this back. I absolutely cannot wait to go home 2 weeks from tomorrow. My family helps give me perspective. Calling helps too but not as much. I just feel so alone and anxious. I should be enjoying my life, especially if I fear having illness, because every day is precious. But instead I spend it worried and on the internet either reading other people's experiences and googling ways to prevent cancer or illness.

The loneliness is so very real.

---------- Post added at 04:13 ---------- Previous post was at 03:56 ----------

Any input would be highly highly appreciated

[randomforeigner]

It's not statistically likely you'll (as one single individual) will get all of those! The only thing I'd be worried about is the birth control. Otherwise it seems a classic case of the story told in "Three men in a boat". http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/308

"I remember going to the British Museum one day to read up the treatment for some slight ailment of which I had a touch—hay fever, I fancy it was. I got down the book, and read all I came to read; and then, in an unthinking moment, I idly turned the leaves, and began to indolently study diseases, generally. I forget which was the first distemper I plunged into—some fearful, devastating scourge, I know—and, before I had glanced half down the list of “premonitory symptoms,” it was borne in upon me that I had fairly got it.

I sat for awhile, frozen with horror; and then, in the listlessness of despair, I again turned over the pages. I came to typhoid fever—read the symptoms—discovered that I had typhoid fever, must have had it for months without knowing it—wondered what else I had got; turned up St. Vitus’s Dance—found, as I expected, that I had that too,—began to get interested in my case, and determined to sift it to the bottom, and so started alphabetically—read up ague, and learnt that I was sickening for it, and that the acute stage would commence in about another fortnight. Bright’s disease, I was relieved to find, I had only in a modified form, and, so far as that was concerned, I might live for years. Cholera I had, with severe complications; and diphtheria I seemed to have been born with. I plodded conscientiously through the twenty-six letters, and the only malady I could conclude I had not got was housemaid’s knee."

Not a good idea to Google for symptoms, it's a bit the equivalent of looking things up at the British Museum...

[Kathryn313]

It's so very hard when you are in this state of constant fear.

Are you seeking out a therapist? The good thing is you can see it is a fear and therefore acknowledge that it isn't fact.

[swajj]

You can't live in fear if what might happen. You may never get any of those diseases. None of your BP readings are high. The 130 something on top was slightly high but it was a one off so no doctor would attach any importance to it. You boyfriend might smoke for the rest of his life and never get cancer. Do you really want to go through life searching for your perfect guy all the while knowing you had him and gave him up? What if the "never smoked in his life" guy gets cancer? It happens all the time. I would describe your anxiety as severe because you fear so many different illnesses. You need to see a mental health professional. You might also want to ask him or her about going back on mess. It doesn't have to be forever. Once you learn techniques to help bring your HA under control you can try giving up the meds again.

---------- Post added at 17:47 ---------- Previous post was at 17:46 ----------

meds not mess

[eyechick924]

The hard part is since I am 8 hours away my insurance is out of area so I can't get a therapist. However my school does offer some counseling which I may try.

The hardest part for me right now is the past couple nights I've had terrible sleep as I keep mentally imagining the tar that lies in my lungs, not to mention my boyfriend's. I love him so much and you guys are right I can't leave someone I love in search of someone else out of fear. I may never find someone I love so much again, and if I do he might get ill too. It's just hard living with this anxiety! He's almost 23 so I feel if he gives them up now there's hope left. But I still imagine all the damage that's occurred. And the worst is that I find stories online of people who quit young and still had problems. That's my fault, you can find anything on the internet if you look hard enough. I'm trying so hard to get him to quit and I wish I did sooner. I just hope it's not too late.

[Jackson Lewis]

It sounds like you are struggling with health anxiety, which has been exacerbated by taking a medical pathology course in graduate school. Your anxiety has manifested in concerns about colon cancer, skin cancer, kidney problems, cardiovascular disease, and oral cancer, among other things. You also mention having a boyfriend who smokes, which adds to your worries. It's understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed and looking for support. It might be helpful to speak with a mental health professional to address these fears and develop coping strategies to manage your anxiety.

[serith]

Oh man oh man oh man. Your anxiety is really off the charts right now. I say this with complete kindness and compassion (because I've been there...): You sound like a lunatic. I really hope that doesn't hurt your feelings. It's not meant to. I've been exactly where you are. I've sounded like a lunatic. It's the anxiety talking. Nothing about what you're saying is realistic at all. I want you to get that, in the hopes that maybe it can give you some small consolation-- none of these fears are valid. They are all lunacy. It's the anxiety that's making you feel this way.

I want to address what you said about blood pressure. The fact that you were worried about a reading of 118/85 is completely, utterly, absolutely, ludicroiusly unreasonable. The nurse who said that it was "high" was simply incorrect, or maybe there was a misunderstanding. Blood pressure is something that fluctuates naturally according to the rhythms of the body, like heartbeat. Just because it was 5 points above 80 does not mean anything at all. It probably means you were a little stressed and anxious (well, obviously you were anxious). Of course your BP is a little elevated at the doctors. Please, please, please do not get into a habit of fixating on the number. Try to understand intellectually how unreasonable that is.

I always go into almost-panic-attack mode at the doctors, and my BP right when I walk in is always somewhere around 140/90, and my pulse is 100 or even 120. Sometimes I ask them to let me sit for 10 or 15 minutes before taking vitals and I do lots of deep breathing and calming routines. But even after all that calming and deep breathing, when they go to take the vitals, my heart rate shoots back up again. So then my BP will be like 125 or 130 / 80 or 85. And my pulse could be like 90.

I don't worry about it because I know what's happening, I know I'm panicking, and it's a good sign that my BP isn't higher, considering I'm panicking and my heart is beating as hard as if I were jogging. When I take vitals at home, my BP is under 120/80 and my heart rate is 60 - 75.

Also it's worth noting that the doctors don't even blink an eye when they see a slightly high BP reading (like, anything under 150/90), because they see it so often. And if you tell them that you're panicking and they can see that your pulse is also very high, they are never worried about it at all.

You said,
"Weird blood pressure results highly distress me."

This kind of statement is really problematic from a health anxiety perspective. For one thing, your BP results WERE NOT WEIRD. They were NORMAL because it is NORMAL for you body to raise BP & HR when you are anxious and stressed. Sorry to "shout" about this. But.

You are demanding that you body function "perfectly" (by your definition...) or else you fall off into a spiral of health anxiety. Do not put yourself into that hell. Do you demand perfection of your body. Guess what, your body will not always function perfectly. And it doesn't have to. It's an incredibly complex system, full of checks and balances. It knows what it's doing. TRUST IT.

Don't label anything your body does as "weird" -- because right now your body is doing about 50 billion things correctly, just to keep you alive. Your body is incredible. You know that, you're in medical classes or whatever. Aren't you in awe of all the things your body is doing correctly?

Also, your body functions best when you don't think about it at all. You don't have to think about -- it's doing all the thinking for you! Don't put your senseless anxieties into the workings of your body. You'll only gum up the works....(however-- luckily-- even with your crazy brain interfering with its crazy anxiety, your amazing body will still manage to pull through and keep you going...)

You are stuck in a mindset of "if something bad could happen, it will." You are investigating every possible health problem you could possibly have and assuming the absolute worst. For many of the symptoms you mentioned, you either provided a very reasonable and benign explanation, or you said the doctor wasn't worried about it.

Try to understand that it's your mindset that's giving you these fears. You are human, you are alive, your life is uncertain, it is always technically possible that you could get a health problem. In fact, it's guaranteed that at some point in your life, you will have some kind of real health problem. Everyone does. You have to live with that uncertainty.

Stop fixating on the appearance of your urine.
Stop getting tested and retested even when the doctors aren't worried.
Stop fixating on numbers.
Stop googling.

Your body will signal you when something is really wrong. (And right now, nothing is wrong).

I would even question if its right for you to be in these medical classes when they are so very triggering for you?

[Fishmanpa]

I would imagine the OP is doing better as this thread and the OP are from 2016 ;)

FMP