elik
03-12-16, 18:48
Ok it's got so bad again, so bad. I am petrified- on the verge of throwing up no feel close to explosion. Every way I look at life it's laced with terrifying thoughts and situations. My anxiety runs so deep, so so deep I am drowning again. It's too late for me to recover. The regret from coping mechanisms, the shame, isolation, embarrassment, fear, poor life choices, lack of control, the feeling of being stuck, the lack of achievement, the disappointment, the depth of my anxiety and it's links, the suffocation, everything! It's one thing after another with each thing leading to the next and even in high anxiety I have the anxiety that I won't handle it in the right way like I'm going to regret this moment later on in life. I'm so messed up, so scared of how messed up I am I just desperately want to detach from me! I'm living a nightmare and no one knows or can help me. I can't even fathom each second and it's pain. I so badly want to just pull myself together and take charge of my life but I have too much past, no confidence and no idea. I fear I will always be in the vicious circle of regret shame hell embarrassment sadness fear isolation loneliness impulsion desperation and all of these things compliment each other while I feel me, this person suffocating under all of this stands for so much more and completely different but every time I try to bring 'me' out I get knocked back to the floor and I'm exhausted and tortured and am in despair at how medication and therapy and so many other methods have done nothing but surpress this hell