Blueplain
07-12-16, 09:45
My anxiety journey
This journal will be updated each day with my journey. I hope that from my journal you can offer me advice and help with my anxiety and hopefully I can help in return. We are not alone!
Day 1
I went to the doctors yesterday. I had reached my limit with my anxiety and it did not take long at all. I started worrying in september. To describe the worry I was feeling it was the most like the feeling that I did something very wrong and I was waiting to see all the consequences fall down on me. To begin with this worry came and went as I spoke these worries to my partner and wrestled with them in my brain. It was not until 6 days ago that this worry manifested into panic and fear and my body was screaming full of adrenalin. After 6 days of this "all day and night anxiety" I realised that this was no longer ordinary worry and that I had trained my body into producing the flight or fight responce to these simple set of worries. As such at 5PM yesterday I was at my doctors office crying and pleading for a miracle cure for the hell I found myself in. If you are reading this and you have anxiety you are not alone and there are many people around the world with this condition. The only difference we have between feeling good each day and this feeling of fear and dread is simply a fight or flight responce. During the 6 days of my anxiety I have spent the time to ressearch and comb through the different sources to filter out the bad advice and to find good advice that will help me overcome this ordeal. I found two good sources so far that after reading caused me not to panic about being stuck with anxiety. Which I think is a very good early start, since adding more anxiety would only strengthen my existing anxiety. The sources were anxietynomore and Claire weekes, both of which worked together to help me collect myself and make a plan forward.
My majour anxiety right now is unfortunatly around my pet parrots. We have had them for ten months and I spent a lot of time worried if I was caring for them correctly, if they was ok. Would they start screeching alot and other "What ifs?" now most people would say that if something is effecting you so much, why not get rid of the problem? The issue with this is my wife is very much bonded to them. She has a deep connection and care about them deeply. It would be like asking her to get rid of a family member she loves. Another point is that Eclectus parrots also form a strong bond and it would negatively impact there life deeply to have them rehomed. Lastly before my anxiety manifested, around my worries I actually cared for them deeply too. I have just unfortunatly trained my body to release adrenalin by thinking, looking or handling them. Fortunatly my wife is on hand to give them all the love and care they need while I embrace my anxiety and allow it to pass by. If you read the sources you will understand why I say embrace.
So this diary is to both keep track of my journy charting my progress and at the same time show to others that, given the right knowledge and tools you can live with anxiety and get through back to a normal life. I know I sound unresonably optomistic with such a condition but the material I have read has given me hope and inspired me to get through this difficult time. I hope you will take this journey with me, offer me advice and at the same time help you to come to terms with your anxiety too. This way I wont feel alone with dealing with my anxiety.
p.s I have been to the hospital today and given blood for my first big physical check up, to rule out any biological factors for the anxiety. I have also gone to open minds to refer myself for an assessment which I assume will lead into CBT training. I have also booked train tickets to go and see family, so that I can rest my mind and work through ,e worry! modules in a more positive enviroment.
Day 2
I woke up this morning at 9 and as soon as I was concious my heart started pounding and did not stop thumping until 11:30am. I spent the whole time listening to meditive music while playing a very relaxing driving simulator. I felt relaxed mentaly but my heart was still pounding hard which was very strange to me. I dont understand this anxiety and that scares me. I thought that if I was producing negative thoughts then I would understand my heart going crazy and my breathing getting bad. However I was not producing negative thoughts I seem to just get a fast beating heart and breathing issues spontaniously without producing any fearful thoughts. I have no idea what this can mean. I spent most of the day out of my house after 11:30 but the symptoms only reduced slightly. As I am typing now my heart has stopped thumping and my breathing is reasonable but I am very dizzy and feel sureal. This is a very overwhelming condition for me.
Day 3
Woke up feeling dread again. Heart racing, breath irratic. Had a cry beause I felt trapped with this continued feeling. I then went for a 2 hour walk and after that to A&E. The doctor there perscribed me diazepan to help give me some relief but only enough for the weekend. When I first took it I felt some relief but it does not take all your problems away. It was however a small dose of 2mg. I am going doctors tommorow to get on a longer term anti anxiety meds and then I am going to visit my family in manchester to see if a break from the place I feel anxiety will give me the space I need to get thinking positively and have a recharge for comming back.
Day 4
Woke up with a bit of dread and needing to control my breathing and heart rate again. I phoned the Dr after calming myself a little. I got an appointment and when I arrived I first spoke to a studant DR who then passed me forward to the main doctor. The doctor perscribed Citalopram at 10mg to begin with. I have taken my first pill at 10:40. I have always been reluctant at the thought of taking medication for any health issues unless I really needed it. I must say I really need to feel my old self again. Cant stand the daily struggle with the adrenalin assulting my body. I have packed my bags ready for a trip to manchester so I can go through the feeling worse part around my family. Doctor told me it would take 2-6 weeks to take effect and for me to feel better. I hope it doesnt change my personality and I hope I can be me again without too much life been taken by it. I will try to live my best despite this issue. Getting the train in 4 hours. Anxious of leaving my wife with all the kids but I need the space and I need to heal. I know 10 days away wont cure it but its better then nothing.
Day 5
Been away 24 hours from my home environment in Manchester. Did not wake up with as much dread but still felt like I was full of adrenalin. Had my second anxiety pill and I felt like I have been crawling up the walls the past 4 hours. Hoping to get through feeling better with no side effects.
Over the next 5 days
I spent the first 3 days doing absolutely nothing accept watching TV. I went in and out of feeling relaxed and very anxious. I am mostly worried that when I get back home it would all reverse and I will be back to living in dread. However I have woken up this morning feeling optimistic and in a better mood/state of mind. I have taken 6 days worth of my meds and my only real side effect is feeling slightly light headed. Perhaps a little foggy. It is only early days so quite promising. The worst part of my anxiety started on the 29th of November. 19 days later, it has been a hell of a time. Worst time in my life in fact. I really feel for people who have lived like this for years. Very overwhelming. I hope though at this point I am at a turning point and can get stuck into supporting my family again. This time taking care I do not put myself under too much pressure.
22nd of December
I'm getting the train home today. My healing holiday is over. With all the rest I have had and the ability to practice correct thinking I feel much stronger to get on with back home. I am starting to feel the positive effects of the medication. So fingers crossed I am well on the road to recovery. The test is how I handle the old stress which got me in this state in the first place. This has been my first holiday in two years though so perhaps it's enough to tip me back to better.
January 17th
After comming home and feeling terrible again. I spent a week and christmas home and then went back to manchester again and feeling good. Due to this I realised I had some kind of fear with my own home and family and or the pressure that entails. Today has been my first full good day where I have felt alot more relaxed and happy. I do still get little peaks of nervousness because I am aware I have this anxiety and its just a matter of accepting the now and pushing those niggling fears to the back of my mind. It seems the Citalopram has finally kicked in. 37 days after I started my first dose of Citalopram and 17 days after I started the 20mg. Even though it says it takes about 2 weeks to kick in, I really think the feeling more normal kicks in more around the 5-8 week mark. Everyone is different on different doses though. I am just glad I stuck it out and found the right dose and spent enough time to let them work. Hopefully I can deal with the root causes now, reduce my stress and be completly anxiety free as time passes.
This journal will be updated each day with my journey. I hope that from my journal you can offer me advice and help with my anxiety and hopefully I can help in return. We are not alone!
Day 1
I went to the doctors yesterday. I had reached my limit with my anxiety and it did not take long at all. I started worrying in september. To describe the worry I was feeling it was the most like the feeling that I did something very wrong and I was waiting to see all the consequences fall down on me. To begin with this worry came and went as I spoke these worries to my partner and wrestled with them in my brain. It was not until 6 days ago that this worry manifested into panic and fear and my body was screaming full of adrenalin. After 6 days of this "all day and night anxiety" I realised that this was no longer ordinary worry and that I had trained my body into producing the flight or fight responce to these simple set of worries. As such at 5PM yesterday I was at my doctors office crying and pleading for a miracle cure for the hell I found myself in. If you are reading this and you have anxiety you are not alone and there are many people around the world with this condition. The only difference we have between feeling good each day and this feeling of fear and dread is simply a fight or flight responce. During the 6 days of my anxiety I have spent the time to ressearch and comb through the different sources to filter out the bad advice and to find good advice that will help me overcome this ordeal. I found two good sources so far that after reading caused me not to panic about being stuck with anxiety. Which I think is a very good early start, since adding more anxiety would only strengthen my existing anxiety. The sources were anxietynomore and Claire weekes, both of which worked together to help me collect myself and make a plan forward.
My majour anxiety right now is unfortunatly around my pet parrots. We have had them for ten months and I spent a lot of time worried if I was caring for them correctly, if they was ok. Would they start screeching alot and other "What ifs?" now most people would say that if something is effecting you so much, why not get rid of the problem? The issue with this is my wife is very much bonded to them. She has a deep connection and care about them deeply. It would be like asking her to get rid of a family member she loves. Another point is that Eclectus parrots also form a strong bond and it would negatively impact there life deeply to have them rehomed. Lastly before my anxiety manifested, around my worries I actually cared for them deeply too. I have just unfortunatly trained my body to release adrenalin by thinking, looking or handling them. Fortunatly my wife is on hand to give them all the love and care they need while I embrace my anxiety and allow it to pass by. If you read the sources you will understand why I say embrace.
So this diary is to both keep track of my journy charting my progress and at the same time show to others that, given the right knowledge and tools you can live with anxiety and get through back to a normal life. I know I sound unresonably optomistic with such a condition but the material I have read has given me hope and inspired me to get through this difficult time. I hope you will take this journey with me, offer me advice and at the same time help you to come to terms with your anxiety too. This way I wont feel alone with dealing with my anxiety.
p.s I have been to the hospital today and given blood for my first big physical check up, to rule out any biological factors for the anxiety. I have also gone to open minds to refer myself for an assessment which I assume will lead into CBT training. I have also booked train tickets to go and see family, so that I can rest my mind and work through ,e worry! modules in a more positive enviroment.
Day 2
I woke up this morning at 9 and as soon as I was concious my heart started pounding and did not stop thumping until 11:30am. I spent the whole time listening to meditive music while playing a very relaxing driving simulator. I felt relaxed mentaly but my heart was still pounding hard which was very strange to me. I dont understand this anxiety and that scares me. I thought that if I was producing negative thoughts then I would understand my heart going crazy and my breathing getting bad. However I was not producing negative thoughts I seem to just get a fast beating heart and breathing issues spontaniously without producing any fearful thoughts. I have no idea what this can mean. I spent most of the day out of my house after 11:30 but the symptoms only reduced slightly. As I am typing now my heart has stopped thumping and my breathing is reasonable but I am very dizzy and feel sureal. This is a very overwhelming condition for me.
Day 3
Woke up feeling dread again. Heart racing, breath irratic. Had a cry beause I felt trapped with this continued feeling. I then went for a 2 hour walk and after that to A&E. The doctor there perscribed me diazepan to help give me some relief but only enough for the weekend. When I first took it I felt some relief but it does not take all your problems away. It was however a small dose of 2mg. I am going doctors tommorow to get on a longer term anti anxiety meds and then I am going to visit my family in manchester to see if a break from the place I feel anxiety will give me the space I need to get thinking positively and have a recharge for comming back.
Day 4
Woke up with a bit of dread and needing to control my breathing and heart rate again. I phoned the Dr after calming myself a little. I got an appointment and when I arrived I first spoke to a studant DR who then passed me forward to the main doctor. The doctor perscribed Citalopram at 10mg to begin with. I have taken my first pill at 10:40. I have always been reluctant at the thought of taking medication for any health issues unless I really needed it. I must say I really need to feel my old self again. Cant stand the daily struggle with the adrenalin assulting my body. I have packed my bags ready for a trip to manchester so I can go through the feeling worse part around my family. Doctor told me it would take 2-6 weeks to take effect and for me to feel better. I hope it doesnt change my personality and I hope I can be me again without too much life been taken by it. I will try to live my best despite this issue. Getting the train in 4 hours. Anxious of leaving my wife with all the kids but I need the space and I need to heal. I know 10 days away wont cure it but its better then nothing.
Day 5
Been away 24 hours from my home environment in Manchester. Did not wake up with as much dread but still felt like I was full of adrenalin. Had my second anxiety pill and I felt like I have been crawling up the walls the past 4 hours. Hoping to get through feeling better with no side effects.
Over the next 5 days
I spent the first 3 days doing absolutely nothing accept watching TV. I went in and out of feeling relaxed and very anxious. I am mostly worried that when I get back home it would all reverse and I will be back to living in dread. However I have woken up this morning feeling optimistic and in a better mood/state of mind. I have taken 6 days worth of my meds and my only real side effect is feeling slightly light headed. Perhaps a little foggy. It is only early days so quite promising. The worst part of my anxiety started on the 29th of November. 19 days later, it has been a hell of a time. Worst time in my life in fact. I really feel for people who have lived like this for years. Very overwhelming. I hope though at this point I am at a turning point and can get stuck into supporting my family again. This time taking care I do not put myself under too much pressure.
22nd of December
I'm getting the train home today. My healing holiday is over. With all the rest I have had and the ability to practice correct thinking I feel much stronger to get on with back home. I am starting to feel the positive effects of the medication. So fingers crossed I am well on the road to recovery. The test is how I handle the old stress which got me in this state in the first place. This has been my first holiday in two years though so perhaps it's enough to tip me back to better.
January 17th
After comming home and feeling terrible again. I spent a week and christmas home and then went back to manchester again and feeling good. Due to this I realised I had some kind of fear with my own home and family and or the pressure that entails. Today has been my first full good day where I have felt alot more relaxed and happy. I do still get little peaks of nervousness because I am aware I have this anxiety and its just a matter of accepting the now and pushing those niggling fears to the back of my mind. It seems the Citalopram has finally kicked in. 37 days after I started my first dose of Citalopram and 17 days after I started the 20mg. Even though it says it takes about 2 weeks to kick in, I really think the feeling more normal kicks in more around the 5-8 week mark. Everyone is different on different doses though. I am just glad I stuck it out and found the right dose and spent enough time to let them work. Hopefully I can deal with the root causes now, reduce my stress and be completly anxiety free as time passes.