Panic....Have to travel tomorrow

[Rosanna]

Hi everyone

I suffer with PTSD as a result of a traumatic event and it shows itself these days (I've had it 7 years) as inability to travel very far at all and/or fears of having heart problems or dying, suffocating, being very ill or sick, etc,

I have to travel by train tomorrow for 4 hours and then stay in a hotel overnight to attend something. I could pull out, they know my problems, but it would be a terrible shame to let this win.

I guess I'm just posting here because I feel unprepared for the trip (even though my bag is packed already and all documents read for meeting, etc). I seem to be suffering with chronic fatigue as well lately (which the doctors are investigating because I've been on beta blockers and it may be them, I've always been active, but lately I have extreme muscle fatigue) and the thought of the whole journey, negotiating the hotel, making sure I eat properly (I tend to get low blood sugar when I travel, not diabetic, not sure if it's real, but it's an awful faint and weak feeling I only get when travelling and anxious), making sure I sleep, coping with the whole novelty of the situation, finding my way to the meeting (I'm pretty smart when it comes to navigating)....it all just feels too much. :-(

part of me wonders whether I should pull out because I'm really not up to this and while it'll be easy to start out, I'm embarking on something that's too much for me and I'd be better to attend the meeting by phone on monday.

But in reality its a train journey, it's a hotel stay, its attending a meeting, it's coming home.

I wish I could see the hotel stay as relaxing in between, but it's not, it's all part of the ordeal.

Thanks for listening.

[Stecakes]

if you pull out now, you just make it more difficult to do next time.
but if you stay the course you get to win a huge victory over your fears
you said yourself you know it's just a train ride , hotel stay and meeting and you're right
that's all it is. you know you've got what it takes to do it.
all you have to do now is, do it
good luck

[Rosanna]

Thanks Stecakes :-)

---------- Post added at 21:58 ---------- Previous post was at 21:33 ----------

I just wish I could feel calmer. The doctor offered me a drug but it has cardiotoxic effects and due to my fears I won't take it. There's no convincing me otherwise on that because the effects are real and have been raised as a concern about the drug, etc. I won't say which drug because some people will be doing well on it and it wouldn't be fair, it's not a common one btw.

I have beta blockers to help me and they do help.

I just don't know why I'm being so obsessive about everything, my bag is packed but I'm nervous because some clothes have been washed and won't be dry until the morning, so I won't be able to pack them until then. I want the bag packed already. I'm scared of missing something, on the journey too, I'm being hypervigilant and over checking that I've got everything. the whole thing is exhausting. It's crazy, this is my world, I should be happy wherever I travel in it.

[Stecakes]

when I'm afraid of forgetting something the next day,
I associate it with something I can't forget, like my car key, frontdoor key
I spend a couple of minutes linking them in my head. then go to sleep
then on my way out in the morning I pick up my key and BAM. well... I usually already remembered because I made such a fuss about it the night before. but it works either way.

[Rosanna]

good idea, it's just it's so many things because I'm being unrealistically perfectionist. Really the problem is anxiety.

I'm exhausted already and I haven't even set off.

I've told myself that I will go there as its only 4 hours on a train and then if I'm suffering too much I will just turn around and come back as there will still be time. The meeting I'm going to is important and I can't think of anything related to it because of all the anxiety about the travel, it's not just the travel its everything, sleeping in a different room, being so far away from the familiar

Actually that's it, being away from what's familiar.

I've gone places in the past and had all good intentions, got there and had to find an excuse to leave. I've felt ill and awful and yet as soon as I'm within a certain distance of my home again, I'm fine and I can't understand why I had such a reaction before...sometimes I've even gone back to a place the next day and the fear is less but still gets bad when I get a certain distance from home.

I was actually doing well recently, only travelling local distances but I felt so calm recently that I felt I could go longer distances, but a friend just suffered a heart attack while away from home, it's brought back my ptsd symptoms.....I know consciously we have to continue with our lives, etc, but on some other level my anxiety level has just gone up and everything is a stress again. Linked to this is a feeling of being unable to cope with ordinary everyday stuff.

I am so torn as I don't want to let the people down at the meeting, but the other part of me says that logically I can attend by telephone. but it's not the same and doesn't show the same commitment.

I will have to set off and hope that I feel better somewhere along in the journey.

[randomforeigner]

It'll be a good exercise to go on the train, I assume it's in the same country (not travelling across the channel tunnel or something like that)? It's helpful when travelling in a country where you already know the language and have all the means, credit card etc. for purchasing something on the train or at the destination. Actually it's a good thing that the trip is four hours, and not just one hour, because that will give you time to settle in and get accustomed to being on the train. Are you having dinner at the hotel tonight? They usually can fix something for you. Or will you pick up a snack on the train?

Don't forget to post here how it is going for you. We're many now, that are actually wondering about your trip and curiously want to hear that everything is going well for you, this evening to hear about what it looks like at your hotel, etc. :-) :-)

[Rosanna]

Thanks RandomForeigner

I'm just overwhelmed with everything, my health is not good and I don't know if it's the beta blockers, I've been on them 6 years and I've put on more weight than ever in my life, I've always been physically active but now I can't climb the stairs at the railway or anything (that doesn't matter there's a lift), I'm sat here this morning wondering whether I am PHYSICALLY up for this trip, anxiety aside.

I'm exhausted before I even set off. I have to leave at 11.50 for the train.

The only reason I'm going is because it would be nice to meet these people who I've been working with remotely for a few years. We are coming to the end of a project and I know they'd like to meet me and I want to show gratitude for all their support. I want to go, but physically I seriously don't feel up for the journey, finding the hotel, then finding the place I have to go to , etc, the whole thing is exhausting for me at the moment.

In the past it was just anxiety. Now it's anxiety and physical exhaustion and then anxiety about pushing myself through that exhaustion, it's not ordinary tiredness. I'm scared there's something wrong with my heart, beta blockers can cause symptoms of heart failure and I'm scared of pushing myself.

Also I think ptsd has a quality about it where you're easily overstimulated and need everything to stop and quieten down. This is the opposite.

I'm going to make breakfast so that my blood sugar gets off to a good start...I really don't know what to do. I feel I can't say no, yet I can, but I don't want to. The healthy me would go and meet them no matter what it took, because they deserve the face to face meeting.

Thanks for your support....and if I actually go then I will blog it here, lol (will make for good bedtime reading for anyone who can't sleep, lol)

[randomforeigner]

I'm sure you'll be perfectly OK and there are nearly always nice people to talk to (or at least say hello to), unlike when travelling on the tube. I'm assuming you might buy a snack or tea onboard if it's a four hour trip. Otherwise it could be nice to pick it up just before boarding (well, in good time so you don't have to stress...) and perhaps a magazine too. Assuming you're about to leave for the station now when I'm posting this, or on your way at least. The dinner issue might be a bit problematic, but I'm sure you'll be able to buy something at the hotel in case you don't want to go out, like tea and sandwiches at least...

May one ask which town it is that is your destination? A four hour trip... I'm imagining for myself that your destination might be London and you coming down from the north (surely it couldn't take four hours on the train from anywhere else... British geography not being my strongest side...) I wouldn't be overly thrilled about going to e.g. London myself; one would certainly feel a bit lost, and for me in addition the language issue, not recognising any coins or bills, bumbling around not knowing one's way around, looking like a tourist with a big map in hand, and all that. Last time I visited, some guys approached and sort of made fun and asked where St James' park was, upon - with a delay - the obvious answer was "Uh.... I think... I think we're actually in it... now". Can't forget that, it was on my last day or so.

[Rosanna]

I'm actually in the south, heading up north, to leeds. I think the journey is 4 hours plus some but I'm telling myself that the four hours is all that matters, lol

I leave in 2 hours.

I have magazines, etc, ready, but keep telling myself that I have to read the stuff to do with the meeting, which, if I was in a better state of mind I would be doing. i should be focussing on all that, not fear and travel issues. Most people just get on with that without thinking.

I used to live in london as a young teenager so its more of a home to me, I still get anxiety because I live far outside of it now and it's a 2 hours trek there, but I think I'd have been better if I was going there.

The crazy thing is I used to go up north with my boyfriend 10 years ago, regularly, to see his mum. He's my ex now, but he offered to come with me as he's still a friend and to visit his family, but I need to concentrate on work and he doesn't understand anxiety at all, so I said I'd go alone.

I'm making this such a big deal. I should feel at home wherever I am.

---------- Post added at 10:02 ---------- Previous post was at 09:46 ----------

Oh the thing about dinner, that's already sorted, I've arranged to have it at the hotel, paying extra but I don't want to have one of my 'low blood sugar' weirdnesses tomorrow, so decided to do that. :-)

[randomforeigner]

I think you should read your magazine, and not the notes for the meeting. It's in your spare time, and it is probably hours well spent, feeling good being on the train. It would be silly to stress and fret over the meeting, you probably have everything with the meeting sorted out already anyway... I can sense that ... better to relax on the train and look out the window... :)

[Rosanna]

Thanks. I love trains funnily enough, I just like short journeys. I like to know I can get home the same day. Once I'm up there I can't get home unless I do an about turn immediately and get on the 6pm train, and will be home by midnight, otherwise I have to stay there.

And the weird thing is I like hotels. So I could happily be in the hotel...(if it were next door to my home, lol)

The distance is the thing that worries me so much. And it's not rational. I live alone anyway so surely it doesn't matter whether I'm at home or somewhere else.

[randomforeigner]

On one occasion I sat next to a woman preparing a meeting on the journey, but from the sidelines it looked pretty odd. She sat with her powerpoint presentation, dragging pictures one inch to the left, one inch to the right, then one inch to the left again... rearranging bullet points... retyping the headline multiple times "Getting to know each other", "How we can get to know each other better", "To get to know each other:" etc. which for me looked like it wouldn't matter much either way if it was this way, or that way... on top of that the battery level was running low, so I thought to myself that her screen would go black at any minute, but it didn't... sometimes people are so stressed out they don't produce anything even though they're working frantically... she had had her powerpoint in good-enough order already, and by rearranging it in the last minute, only ran the risk of accidentally losing it, or introducing some mistake... I'm not generally a last minute person myself, like when I have to give a presentation at work I like to have it ready several days in advance and then I just sit back and wait for the day of the presentation... others sit and type five minutes before the meeting but I hate that, it's really stressful.

[Rosanna]

There was something I wanted to read over for the meeting, certain reports, but I'm not required to....but it's my nature to know things inside out and at times I've made a real difference by doing that.

If I stayed home and chilled I could concentrate on all the reports and still attend by phone.

Anyway, I've worked out that I can go up north via london, so for half of the journey I'll be in familiar territory. Not feeling good this time, I usually only set off on journeys when i'm 100% in the right state of mind.

---------- Post added at 11:03 ---------- Previous post was at 10:36 ----------

If anyone knows how to preserve the battery on your mobile that would help. I'm less anxious when I can access the internet, but my phone runs out quickly. It's a Samsung J3 I think, lol.

[AlwaysOnEdge]

I have trouble with hotels as well. Not every time but I think it's because I'm out of my comfort zone. At home if something's wrong someone's there to help, or get help if I needed it. I guess I'm afraid that something could happen and I wouldn't be able to get assistance.

I always try to stay near a hospital, if I can find one close- that can be a comfort. But definitely not letting it stop me is key, I keep my phone handy in case I need to call home for reassurance.

Good luck on your trip, just tell yourself you've been through it before and came out ok!

[randomforeigner]

If anyone knows how to preserve the battery on your mobile that would help. I'm less anxious when I can access the internet, but my phone runs out quickly. It's a Samsung J3 I think, lol.
You have your charger with you, I presume? The second best option otherwise is to turn it off completely. You know that you can turn it on at any time, just knowing this will make you not need to turn it on constantly.

---------- Post added at 12:37 ---------- Previous post was at 12:35 ----------

Apart from that a powerbank is always an option, too late now obviously but you might purchase one tomorrow depending on where you are and how long your meeting is, what shops are available etc. Or buy one for the next journey.

---------- Post added at 12:37 ---------- Previous post was at 12:37 ----------

Don't fret if you don't have your charger with you. Unless your phone is ancient, it's standard chargers nowadays and someone else will have one readily available if you ask.

[Rosanna]

RandomForeigner

Thanks so much for listening to me this morning, I'm on the train now, I decided to go the unfamiliar route even though it's more anxiety provoking, it actually only requires one change and I'm so tired this is probably the best way to settle.

I have my favourite book with me and I think I'll take your advice and just make it as pleasant as possible with my books, etc.

I have got my charger, hopefully the next train will have a socket, but I've got plenty of battery at the moment.

What decided it for me was when I looked at the map and the station, the hotel and the place I have the meeting are all within 5 mins of each other.

Glad I've brought my laptop, I'll report back in a while and thanks for listening today.

[Rosanna]

Well I've arrived at the hotel, got to go and make myself eat now otherwise I'll have low blood sugar tomorrow (my habit when I travel, pure anxiety and nothing else, maybe now it's time to establish a new habit, a relaxed, calm, at home in the world habit).

TV is keeping me calm (I don't watch it at home) and the internet. Just got to get through the night now.

Have to tell myself there is no difference in being here to being at home. Its the same. If anything bad happened there are more people in this hotel to help me out than where i live.

Ok off to go and eat and try to be normal, lol

[randomforeigner]

That's great! :)

Hope you're doing equally well tomorrow!

[Rosanna]

Hope so RandomForeigner....as long as I'm not 'paying' for the energy expenditure today. But I'll be glad that I'm going home after the meeting at least.

I was reading someone else's thread here and they said that all fear is about thinking ahead, it's very true. Even thinking ahead to the next five mins. I need to practice mindfulness. Will have a go before bed...

[Phuzella]

Fear is definitely about thinking ahead :)

[Rosanna]

Yes fear is about looking ahead....I'm doing it right now, I have noise problems where I live and I'm already worrying about them, before going to bed.

The meeting went very well and I'm glad I went in person. And big thanks to RandomForeigner for chatting to me while I was in that horrible 'before' stage.