W.I.F.T.S.
09-04-07, 00:17
There have been plenty of occasions where I've decided to do something that scared me and I've been pleased that I've done it, but the physical exhaustion and the trauma of doing it has made me feel even worse for quite a bit afterwards.
For example, I went up the Great Orme in Llandudno- a white knuckle ride for me, but a walk in the park for the two grannies sat opposite me! lol When I did get to the top I felt so exhilerated that I felt 'real' (rather than depersonalised) for the first time in years. Although, later on in the trip I got the first of my 'heart symptoms', which prevented me from going out on the speed boat.
I thought that I was ready to fly to Amsterdam, but I had one of the biggest panic attacks of my life on the way out there and ended up spending a whole day of the weekend in bed trying to fight off the urge to throw myself out of the window.
Yesterday, I drove out of town to my cousin's wedding and today my scalp feels so tense that it's as if I've got a band of steel around my head.
I know that if I don't challenge my fears that my comfort zone will become smaller and smaller until I'm completely agoraphobic, but am I the only one who suffers punishment rather than reward for daring to tackle my demons? It's so hard to keep pushing forward when I know that I'll be spent after my endeavours and prone to whatever anxiety can throw at me.
At the moment I'm particularly anxious and it's difficult when people say to me "don't make a scene" or "don't draw attention to yourself". In some ways I don't give a toss what people think about me: if I want to stand near the exit, puffing my cheeks out, wringing my hands and kicking my heels together, trying to calm down enough to sit with people for a drink, then I will do because I can't just do it. I either do that or I go home and don't do anything. On the other hand, it's really disappointing and upsetting that people's estimation of me is sinking further and further, when I'm doing so well just being there at all rather than stopping at home and, even better, I'm sticking around long enough to eventually calm down and sit with people. I guess that their take on it is "see, you built something out of nothing. Why couldn't you do that in the first place?".
I don't know whether they're worth wasting my time on or not. It does hurt me that they see my anxiety as a sign of weakness, rather than a sign of strength that I have the courage to attempt to overcome it. I can kind of see where they're coming from though. If I was in their shoes, I wouldn't understand what I was panicking about.
"I'm not panicking about sitting next to you for a drink. I'm panicking about whether I can control the urge to hurl the glass at you and whether or not I'm going to spontaneously combust by trying to hold that urge in!"
For example, I went up the Great Orme in Llandudno- a white knuckle ride for me, but a walk in the park for the two grannies sat opposite me! lol When I did get to the top I felt so exhilerated that I felt 'real' (rather than depersonalised) for the first time in years. Although, later on in the trip I got the first of my 'heart symptoms', which prevented me from going out on the speed boat.
I thought that I was ready to fly to Amsterdam, but I had one of the biggest panic attacks of my life on the way out there and ended up spending a whole day of the weekend in bed trying to fight off the urge to throw myself out of the window.
Yesterday, I drove out of town to my cousin's wedding and today my scalp feels so tense that it's as if I've got a band of steel around my head.
I know that if I don't challenge my fears that my comfort zone will become smaller and smaller until I'm completely agoraphobic, but am I the only one who suffers punishment rather than reward for daring to tackle my demons? It's so hard to keep pushing forward when I know that I'll be spent after my endeavours and prone to whatever anxiety can throw at me.
At the moment I'm particularly anxious and it's difficult when people say to me "don't make a scene" or "don't draw attention to yourself". In some ways I don't give a toss what people think about me: if I want to stand near the exit, puffing my cheeks out, wringing my hands and kicking my heels together, trying to calm down enough to sit with people for a drink, then I will do because I can't just do it. I either do that or I go home and don't do anything. On the other hand, it's really disappointing and upsetting that people's estimation of me is sinking further and further, when I'm doing so well just being there at all rather than stopping at home and, even better, I'm sticking around long enough to eventually calm down and sit with people. I guess that their take on it is "see, you built something out of nothing. Why couldn't you do that in the first place?".
I don't know whether they're worth wasting my time on or not. It does hurt me that they see my anxiety as a sign of weakness, rather than a sign of strength that I have the courage to attempt to overcome it. I can kind of see where they're coming from though. If I was in their shoes, I wouldn't understand what I was panicking about.
"I'm not panicking about sitting next to you for a drink. I'm panicking about whether I can control the urge to hurl the glass at you and whether or not I'm going to spontaneously combust by trying to hold that urge in!"