Mum passed away last month. Devastated and lost.

[antique]

My beautiful brave mum passed away 3 weeks ago, a few months after being diagnosed with cancer.

The last 2 years have been hell. Mum went from being an independent 87 year old who did her own shopping, to a shell of a woman dependent on carers.

The rollercoaster started in 2014 when she was run over in a supermarket car park. Mum broke her leg and recovered ok. Unfortunately, she went to a geriatric hospital to recuperate and due to their neglect, she fell and broke her hip. She recovered again but was obviously not so mobile. When she came home, she fell and broke the other hip.

During this time she was also suffering from glaucoma and lost vision in one eye. Her eyesight was poor in the remaining eye.

Just when we thought things could not get worse, mum found a lump which subsequently proved to be cancer of the vulva. A particularly rare and nasty cancer which caused lots of pain just sitting and going to the loo. She could not have an operation because she was too frail. We were offered palliative radiotherapy but she was in too much pain to actually lie on the radiotherapy machine.

We were hoping to get the pain under control in hospital so she could try again but after entering a hospice, she deteriorated very quickly. She was conscious for a few days and we had a final chat before she became unconscious. I missed her death by 10 minutes!

I am totally broken and so angry at the woman who caused the original accident which ruined mum's life. Mum and I were very close and I spent the last few years caring for her.
I have no siblings or kids so she was the last of my family.

I have survived the funeral and the last few weeks on autopilot. I keep occupied in the day. I have to work as I am self employed. I cry most evenings and every morning wake to the reality of mum's death. I am so tired, mentally and physically and hate this new life where everything has changed. My childhood and all my memories are gone with her passing.

I had a breakdown 20 years ago and am frightened that the anxiety will return as I have been feeling very stressed and panicky this last month. Having watched my mother's suffering and hideous decline, it has made me worry about the future. Life is so cruel and unfair.

[Kathryn313]

What a sad and emotionally painful time for you. I don't have any real words of advice, I guess it is now time to look ahead to those things that your mum would have wanted you to do with the test if your life. But there is no rush. Xxx

[brucealmighty]

I`m so sorrry to hear of your mums passing antique, its worse when something has happened that seems to have set off the course of events in this case the accident at the supermarket.
cancer is a dreadful thing to see someone succumb to, I`ve seen it first hand so have some idea of your pain.
I`ve got no answers or quick fixes I`m afraid, but CRUSE bereavement counsellors are very helpful at difficult times, and I remember the marie curie nurses being a source of comfort too long after the actual loss of my relatives.

I`m just very sorry I really am, for a long while you`ll feel empty, angry, lost, confused, the lot, and I don`t know any way through it other than to go through it very steadily and not expect too much of yourself.

you might not have lots of family or friends but there`s a huge gang of us on here and I`m also in sunny wales so if you want to pm me anytime I`ll always try to help

take care

[Catherine S]

I'm really sorry you've lost your mum. My mum is 83 and even though she's still reasonably healthy...as much as you can be with old bones, I know there aren't many more years ahead with her in my life.

As for the anxiety you talk about, it would be a bit strange if you didn't experience it at this time. My advise would be not to add to it by worrying about its effects, if it happens go with it...it's part of the grieving process that everybody goes through. Ask your doctor for meds to help you through it if necessary. It's a normal reaction for everybody, not just for people on these anxiety forums.

Take care of yourself.

Cath x

[lior]

This story brings tears to my eyes. This is tragic. Unfortunately, this kind of thing is common. Everyone experiences painful experiences at some point. This is your painful moment.

You're only 3 weeks in. Grief is overbearing and horrible. If there's no change in your grief after several months then it's possible that it has evolved into depression - but several months of grief is completely normal. Anyone who has been through what you have been through would be stressed and panicky. It would be odd if you weren't feeling terrible.

I didn't know cancer of the vulva could exist. That sounds horrible. And both hips! Poor poor thing. 87 is a good age, though. From the outside, it seems like since so many things happened in a relatively short space of time, it was just her time to pass on: it wasn't just one thing that happened.

My nana lost her husband three years ago. They'd been together for 65 years. She has made a new kind of life for herself. She misses him, but she's brought new things into her life. She's learning how to use the computer, even though she was completely uninterested in it while he was alive. She surprised us all. Change is possible, even in your 90s. You will find your way. You will.

'My childhood and all my memories are gone with her passing.' - is this really true? Don't you hold your memories in your heart and mind? You also hold her there, inside you.

[emmegee]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Watching the one who cared for you over many years begin to fail is a painful journey. Your feelings toward the accident that began it all are understandable. You are a wonderful person to have cared for her for the past few years when she needed you most. She must have felt such pride in raising you to be such a caring person. You must give yourself time to grieve and feel the pain of loss. It is overwhelming I'm sure. Just take it one day at a time and accept any support people are willing to offer.

You have come to the right place. People here are very supportive and always willing to lend an ear. Take care.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm really sorry to hear you have lost your mum, antique. :hugs: You must be going through all sorts of overwhelming emotions right now.

You were able to be with her right near the end and talk to her to help her through it. You couldn't have known otherwise you would have sat there until the end. It's cruel when this happens as you want to be there but you mustn't kick yourself over this as you didn't choose not to be there when it came. Despite this your mum knew how much she was loved and she took that with her.

Things must seem very bleak right now but you haven't lost your memories, your mum will always be with you in your heart and your head. You will find a way through this pain and be able to remember the good memories you have. :flowers:

[vicky23]

ah bless you I'm so sorry for your loss
All these feelings are understandable I'd definitely recommend some grief councelling like the others have suggested to be able to talk through your thoughts.
XXX