sammie13s
17-12-16, 20:53
Iv been on this forum for many years and Iv always given advice to others because I honestly think Iv had every anxiety symptom known to man. Iv been like this for 9 years. All started when I was 21. Started with panic attacks then led to depression. So I was told to take a tablet every day. They was Prozac. I remember waking on the 10th day and it was like magic. It had all gone. I continued on the meds for 6 months and didn't have a single anxiety symptom so came off them. My dad died shortly after and whilst on holiday I began to get them horrible symptoms again. Heart racing. Adrenaline rush. Obsessed with my health. So back on the meds I went. This time for around a year .I had my ups and downs and again became strong enough to come off my meds. This lasted for around a year as it crept back up on me again because of a new stressful relationship. This time I was given citalopram which I had to stay on for a good few years. I fell pregnant with my daughter and she died at 9 days old and i had a unsupportive partner at the time and felt alone and it all come flooding back but this time I was having terrible mind chatter. Repeating things in my head. I thought I was losing the plot. Very frightening feeling. So I was prescribed sertraline which seemed to work for a short period so I upped my dose. I never felt great on these. I'd probably say I was about 50% ok. I then fell pregnant with my son. About 6 weeks into the pregnancy I began to have derealisation. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror as I didn't recognise myself. Everything freaked me out. How did it get there? Who made it? It was so frightening. So I was referred to a psychiatrist that diagnosed me with ptsd, severe anxiety and depression. I was given mitazipine. At first it was hard as they make you so spaced out. But as the weeks passed the derealisation began to settle and I was feeling things was back managable. Then about 6 weeks ago I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. Panic attacks, whole body shaking, racing heart, racing thoughts, certain things freaking me out, noise agitation, arguing with myself in my head, pure fear surging through my body, the list is endless. So they put me on sertraline again along with the mitazipine and I'm sat here weeks and weeks later still feeling shit. Waiting for this to go. I pray daily for this to be taken but it seems nobody here's my prayers. I'm tired of battling this. What's worse is the fear. Daily headaches and generally feel crap within myself everyday. Iv lost me. What I would give to get her back. I'm a good person with a big heart. I don't deserve this. I was abused when I was 14 and my dad beat my mum and was a alcoholic and they say this is why I'm like this. What if my body has built a resistance to the meds? I honestly don't no what else to do. Completely ruined my life for years. I can't work because I'm to anxious and poorly all the time. Does this actually ever go? Is it going to end with me one day taking my life. This isn't living. This is pure torture. I'm in hell everyday. My children have had to go and live with there dad. He's a wonderful dad and I still see them regular but I'm not the mum I should be. I have an amazing fiance and he truly deserves a good woman and for me to be the fiance he deserves. I love him so so much. And i feel bad for him. Someone please give me some positivity. I'm at my wits end. Thank you sammie.