Anxious Kitty
19-12-16, 12:41
Hi all, sorry this might get long. I wanted to share my story and also what my current concerns are. I have never really talked to other anxiety sufferers about my issues so this is a first for me!
So first of all... I'm a 25-year-old female who has suffered from General Anxiety Disorder most of my life. A large part of this is health anxiety and I've been described as a hypochondriac by many close to me. Everything from multiple cancers to pancreatitis to a multitude of heart issues, I've probably convinced myself of having at some point! And like many of you, I've fallen victim to "Dr. Google" far too many times.
Although I can recall having some minor health anxiety as a little girl, I think it became worse when I was about 11 and began really learning and hearing about all the scary diseases in the world. My mom has always been an avid watcher of Lifetime (*eyeroll*) and the movies often focused on drama with cancer or other illness as a plot point. Unfortunately, I was exposed to a lot of this whenever I'd be hanging out in the living room or my parents room.
To make matters worse, I've had my own run-ins with traumatic health issues. I won't go too far in depth, but I've passed out twice in public when I was 11 (unknown cause but I was dealing with severe back/growing pain at the time) and again when I was 13 (after a dental extraction, leading me to also have extreme dental phobia - but thats another story), each time resulting in head concussions that sent me to the ER for the day.
I was also born with a rare eye condition and have had surgeries on both eyes to repair retina problems. It is something I have to monitor regular but have learned to cope with mostly, however it can cause me great anxiety any time I have the slightest sign I think my eyes are doing something funny again!!
Lastly, and probably the most traumatic to me, is I had a close friend when I was 12-13 and he was diagnosed with a very rare childhood cancer that caused him to pass away within 2 years. He was practically a brother to me and watching someone my own age go from a healthy, normal kid to dying in such a short term has always stuck with me, I think.
When I was about 14 and gained regular access to the internet, it didn't take long for me to discover the wonders of Google. At first, it was just a way to learn about my growing teenage body without having to face the embarrassment of asking my mom. But soon, I began Googling every symptom I had. This got especially worse after my first eye surgery when I was 15.
At one point I was even convinced I had an STD even though I was a virgin! Next came the on-and-off heart disease scares once I started experiencing PCPs and palpitations (which I've now had since I was 17). I've had so many different cancer scares I've lost track. All this among other horrible diseases.. all of which never ended up being true.
I somehow never learn my lesson. I can go months with keeping my HA under control and not Googling things but I always seem to relapse....
In the past year, I spent a good chunk of time worrying over lymphoma after a bad reaction to alcohol-containing cold medicine I was taking. I went to an urgent care center who told me I had nothing to worry about but gave me a blood test to ease my mind - it all came out normal. Yet I still spent the next 8 months worrying on-and-off that I had it.
Finally, in October, I had a full blood test (the one I had in Feb was not a full one) and a physical with my new doctor. I had been concerned that my spleen was enlarged but after she palpated the area and found nothing, I stopped worrying about it. My blood test was also great with everything being in perfectly normal ranges. I felt healthy and my HA eased up for a few months. That is until now...
I have had, uhm, certain "lady pains" for a few years. My ovaries tend to hurt when I ovulate and before/during my period - usually the right one. I've also experienced some all over pelvic pain during a few ovulations (about 3 months out of the past year). I told my new doctor during my physical and she had me come back in for a pelvic exam+pap smear which I'd never had before (even though I've been sexually active for a few years & probably should have sooner).
Well, the exam was a breeze and she didn't seem concerned with anything. This was towards the end of October and I never really heard what my pap results were so I assumed they were normal too. She sent me for a transvaginal US during my next ovulation to see what might be causing my pains.
The US came back normal other than a "2.3cm simple cyst" on my LEFT ovary. This just confused me more because the pain I have is nearly always on my right ovary but there was nothing there. However, she told me the pain I experience is normal and that the cyst is normal as well. She said she just wants to keep an eye on it in case it grows or could twist or rupture. I'm supposed to get another US next month just to check on it.
The US was back in November and I kinda put it out of my mind since I figure ovarian cysts, especially at my age, are common and she seemed unconcerned by it. But something happened the other night that has my HA back in full force.
I was on my period (which I'm done with now) over the weekend and was massaging my pelvic area a bit due to cramps. Well, somehow, this led to me prodding around a bit til I found what feels like a long, oval shaped "lump" in my left upper-pelvic area an inch or two from my hip. I immediately started freaking out as I've never felt anything like this there before.
Since then, I've been unable to calm myself down. I have convinced myself I have ovarian cancer and am going to die (my great grandma on my mom's side had it though she was in her 60s and I think smoked, plus had cervical cancer due to HPV as well). I gave into Google and searched whether ovarian cysts can be felt from the outside but could not find anything conclusive...
I don't know if what I'm feeling is the cyst on my left ovary (again, 2.3cm I'm not sure if that's even very big) if it even CAN be felt. Maybe its a tumour on another organ? Maybe its part of my lower intestine (I know that runs along the left side)?? I almost thought it was gone after I used the bathroom and thought maybe it was just, uhm, poo... but after more prodding, I could feel it again. :(
I am worried sick and feel like something is terribly wrong with me. I know lumps are not usually a good sign of anything. I do have to prod and poke quite a bit to find it, sometimes I think its gone cuz it don't feel it but after poking around the right places, its there again. I can't seem to stop poking now either!!! And I do not feel anything like this on my right side...
Again, this is a strange, long oval-ish "lump" across the left side of my pelvis. Its kinda deep and doesnt stick out. I have to prod a lot to find it but once I do, its definitely there. It doesn't really hurt or feel tender. Its a bit soft (or at least not as hard as a rock) and I guess it moves around a bit but I'm not sure. I can also only feel it if I'm laying down flat or standing up while bending over, for some reason.
I'm just so worried cuz it showed up so suddenly and I've never felt it before and have nothing like this on my right side!! I don't know if its my ovary or not; if it is does it means my cyst grew really fast? Doesn't that mean cancer?? Or maybe its a lump on another organ entirely? Or maybe I'm just going crazy over nothing again??
I plan on hopefully seeing the doctor today since it is Monday and I've been worried sick all weekend. I live in the United States so it's early in the morning and I'm still waiting for them to open. I will update later but could really use some words of comfort right now if anyone has any. :( This is such a damper on my holiday...
((And again sorry this is so long, its my first time posting something like this but I figure its better than turning to Google or pestering my family or bf who don't really understand GAD or HA. Thanks for reading.))
EDIT: I figure I should also mention that I'm really thin - 5'6 and my weight is hovers around 108-110lbs. So I'm not sure if my lack of body fat has something to do with my ability to palpate whatever this thing is...
So first of all... I'm a 25-year-old female who has suffered from General Anxiety Disorder most of my life. A large part of this is health anxiety and I've been described as a hypochondriac by many close to me. Everything from multiple cancers to pancreatitis to a multitude of heart issues, I've probably convinced myself of having at some point! And like many of you, I've fallen victim to "Dr. Google" far too many times.
Although I can recall having some minor health anxiety as a little girl, I think it became worse when I was about 11 and began really learning and hearing about all the scary diseases in the world. My mom has always been an avid watcher of Lifetime (*eyeroll*) and the movies often focused on drama with cancer or other illness as a plot point. Unfortunately, I was exposed to a lot of this whenever I'd be hanging out in the living room or my parents room.
To make matters worse, I've had my own run-ins with traumatic health issues. I won't go too far in depth, but I've passed out twice in public when I was 11 (unknown cause but I was dealing with severe back/growing pain at the time) and again when I was 13 (after a dental extraction, leading me to also have extreme dental phobia - but thats another story), each time resulting in head concussions that sent me to the ER for the day.
I was also born with a rare eye condition and have had surgeries on both eyes to repair retina problems. It is something I have to monitor regular but have learned to cope with mostly, however it can cause me great anxiety any time I have the slightest sign I think my eyes are doing something funny again!!
Lastly, and probably the most traumatic to me, is I had a close friend when I was 12-13 and he was diagnosed with a very rare childhood cancer that caused him to pass away within 2 years. He was practically a brother to me and watching someone my own age go from a healthy, normal kid to dying in such a short term has always stuck with me, I think.
When I was about 14 and gained regular access to the internet, it didn't take long for me to discover the wonders of Google. At first, it was just a way to learn about my growing teenage body without having to face the embarrassment of asking my mom. But soon, I began Googling every symptom I had. This got especially worse after my first eye surgery when I was 15.
At one point I was even convinced I had an STD even though I was a virgin! Next came the on-and-off heart disease scares once I started experiencing PCPs and palpitations (which I've now had since I was 17). I've had so many different cancer scares I've lost track. All this among other horrible diseases.. all of which never ended up being true.
I somehow never learn my lesson. I can go months with keeping my HA under control and not Googling things but I always seem to relapse....
In the past year, I spent a good chunk of time worrying over lymphoma after a bad reaction to alcohol-containing cold medicine I was taking. I went to an urgent care center who told me I had nothing to worry about but gave me a blood test to ease my mind - it all came out normal. Yet I still spent the next 8 months worrying on-and-off that I had it.
Finally, in October, I had a full blood test (the one I had in Feb was not a full one) and a physical with my new doctor. I had been concerned that my spleen was enlarged but after she palpated the area and found nothing, I stopped worrying about it. My blood test was also great with everything being in perfectly normal ranges. I felt healthy and my HA eased up for a few months. That is until now...
I have had, uhm, certain "lady pains" for a few years. My ovaries tend to hurt when I ovulate and before/during my period - usually the right one. I've also experienced some all over pelvic pain during a few ovulations (about 3 months out of the past year). I told my new doctor during my physical and she had me come back in for a pelvic exam+pap smear which I'd never had before (even though I've been sexually active for a few years & probably should have sooner).
Well, the exam was a breeze and she didn't seem concerned with anything. This was towards the end of October and I never really heard what my pap results were so I assumed they were normal too. She sent me for a transvaginal US during my next ovulation to see what might be causing my pains.
The US came back normal other than a "2.3cm simple cyst" on my LEFT ovary. This just confused me more because the pain I have is nearly always on my right ovary but there was nothing there. However, she told me the pain I experience is normal and that the cyst is normal as well. She said she just wants to keep an eye on it in case it grows or could twist or rupture. I'm supposed to get another US next month just to check on it.
The US was back in November and I kinda put it out of my mind since I figure ovarian cysts, especially at my age, are common and she seemed unconcerned by it. But something happened the other night that has my HA back in full force.
I was on my period (which I'm done with now) over the weekend and was massaging my pelvic area a bit due to cramps. Well, somehow, this led to me prodding around a bit til I found what feels like a long, oval shaped "lump" in my left upper-pelvic area an inch or two from my hip. I immediately started freaking out as I've never felt anything like this there before.
Since then, I've been unable to calm myself down. I have convinced myself I have ovarian cancer and am going to die (my great grandma on my mom's side had it though she was in her 60s and I think smoked, plus had cervical cancer due to HPV as well). I gave into Google and searched whether ovarian cysts can be felt from the outside but could not find anything conclusive...
I don't know if what I'm feeling is the cyst on my left ovary (again, 2.3cm I'm not sure if that's even very big) if it even CAN be felt. Maybe its a tumour on another organ? Maybe its part of my lower intestine (I know that runs along the left side)?? I almost thought it was gone after I used the bathroom and thought maybe it was just, uhm, poo... but after more prodding, I could feel it again. :(
I am worried sick and feel like something is terribly wrong with me. I know lumps are not usually a good sign of anything. I do have to prod and poke quite a bit to find it, sometimes I think its gone cuz it don't feel it but after poking around the right places, its there again. I can't seem to stop poking now either!!! And I do not feel anything like this on my right side...
Again, this is a strange, long oval-ish "lump" across the left side of my pelvis. Its kinda deep and doesnt stick out. I have to prod a lot to find it but once I do, its definitely there. It doesn't really hurt or feel tender. Its a bit soft (or at least not as hard as a rock) and I guess it moves around a bit but I'm not sure. I can also only feel it if I'm laying down flat or standing up while bending over, for some reason.
I'm just so worried cuz it showed up so suddenly and I've never felt it before and have nothing like this on my right side!! I don't know if its my ovary or not; if it is does it means my cyst grew really fast? Doesn't that mean cancer?? Or maybe its a lump on another organ entirely? Or maybe I'm just going crazy over nothing again??
I plan on hopefully seeing the doctor today since it is Monday and I've been worried sick all weekend. I live in the United States so it's early in the morning and I'm still waiting for them to open. I will update later but could really use some words of comfort right now if anyone has any. :( This is such a damper on my holiday...
((And again sorry this is so long, its my first time posting something like this but I figure its better than turning to Google or pestering my family or bf who don't really understand GAD or HA. Thanks for reading.))
EDIT: I figure I should also mention that I'm really thin - 5'6 and my weight is hovers around 108-110lbs. So I'm not sure if my lack of body fat has something to do with my ability to palpate whatever this thing is...