Overwhelmed. Worried I'm going to ruin Christmas:(

[Bonnibelle]

I posted yesterday http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=192196 so I won't repeat myself too much, hopefully but generally I'm feeling awfull. Every December this hits and I feel like I breakdown. I never thought this could happen again as I was doing amazingly well. I've been ill physically with an underactive thyroid this year but things were improving and I felt so well anxiety wise then 4 weeks ago I had a 28 hour panic attack, it eventually calmed but since I've not felt right with low level simmering anxiety with the odd anxiety attack. So unlike me. I usually have worries but it's been really physical attacks in I'm feeling weak, constantly off my food and some days bad nausea other days attacks churning heavy stomach, general ill feeling all over like I'm weak and giddy in head walking. Then rushes of dread in my stomach and doom feeling. Unlike me and very worrying.

I was attacked 4 years ago by my brother and my family turned on me as I wouldn't forgive him so I had 2 very hard years afterwards and Christmas time they'd lash out hence why I find December tough and no matter how well I'm doing this hits me. I'm devastated and worried I'm going to feel this bad Christmas day. I'm terrified to have visitors while I'm like this as my social anxiety has flared up badly and even more so since feeling this anxious. My dad wants to visit tomorrow and my mum Saturday. Which is hard as my mum and I aren't close at all, she's not supported me but I do it for the children as I have 3 who love their nan.

The thing I've realised today is even if I didn't do these visits and hubby suggestion of him going to them wouldn't make me feel any better. So it's not even the pressure of visitors if I'd continue to feel this unwell. I feel the constant churning dread in my stomach and rushes of adrenaline, weak, woozy head, and just generally blurgh and low because I'm afraid I won't perk up for Christmas. I feel I'm letting my babies down. I feel too weak to go out and about so it's just Christmas movies and things at home. They're fine and happy as they're all teens or pre teens lol!
It's just not like me to feel this bad other than when I was at my worst 2 years ago so it's overwhelming. My husband still thinks it's the time of year as he sees me like this every December he said. I'm anxious it's my health causing my symptoms.as I don't have the typical shakes, fast heart, tight throat symptoms it's more what I've described above. So that worry can I trust this is anxiety? What if I need to see my gp etc.... my husband said there's no point as he will say it's anxiety and low mood again as it's the time of year it hits for me. I was doing so well so I don't know why it would hit again.

I'm trying to implement Claire weekes acceptance. Accept I feel weak, churning stomach, off my food, giddy and generally yuk but I can't seem to as im so worried what if it's not anxiety etc..... it's horrible. Can anyone give me some advice. Right now I feel I've nowhere to turn, I've only got my husband and my friend who lives an hour away and I'm trying not to put on her.

Sorry if I've repeated myself.

B x

[randomforeigner]

About your mum, couldn't you just pretend to have a headache and hide in the bedroom with a good book, and earphones on, listening to music (for example that playlist some other member posted, to cheer us up) while the others - your mum, the children, your hubby - amuse themselves with whatever they like to do, baking cakes or filling out a colouring book, playing with the iPad or whatever people do on a day like that. And for yourself, just plan to say hello and goodbye, sort of. You can easily blame the thyroid, it makes people very tired, so there's no need to pretend anything there.

[Fishmanpa]

I took a look and yeah, I can see that this time of year for you triggers all sorts of mental nasties :( When it comes to family issues, it's one of those things that can and often does open up a can of worms.

I went though it in my past and basically divorced myself from the family drama. I couldn't have cared less what they thought about me tbh. Then, over the years as I made peace with myself, I was able to do so with those in my family I felt could and would accept things as they are. And now, with my parents approaching the end of their years, I have a positive relationship with them as well as other family members that I had formally distanced myself from.

At least for me, I feel that doing what's best for you is the solution. Working on yourself and getting to a place where you're feeling good mentally and physically is key to being able to interact with your family and others.

The other way to look at it is it's just once a year so suck it up and deal with it. Of course, a chill pill like xanax can help ;)

Positive thoughts

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you both.

Good idea about my mum I shall try that. I do need to think of myself right now.

My anxiety has been so high. I can feel it racing around inside me and tonight I've even had scary thoughts of going crazy or what if im sectioned which almost made me sick. My husband had to tell me they were just a product of super high anxiety. Are they normal? I had them 4 years ago after I was attacked, on and off is call them a spike as they came only when my physical anxiety was super high.

Thank you both for your advice it really has helped. I am putting pressure on myself and naturally I do always have like a mini breakdown this time of year which i honestly didn't think I would this year as I'm in a good place. Then 4 weeks ago I had an anxiety attack and since I've had anxiety daily, fears it was all returning and I've made myself worse. It's not always this high but the last few days it's been a constant churning in my stomach and like mini volcano eruptions in my tummy of anxiety which I need to stop fearing as it causes more. I need to accept it's all just anxiety and I know that helps calm it. Just spiking tonight with the thoughts made me more afraid. We went out for a drive to get me outo of the house as I've not been out for 4 days.

Thanks again both. I appreciate you replying to me.

B x

[NotCool]

I can relate to feeling super anxious when December holidays times hit. All those interactions, dinners, lunches, lack of control of the situations...should be something normal, but it's not for a person like me. I wasn't always this way, but for the last past few years. I'm nervous of having a panic attack in the middle of some event, and no place I could escape to. Will really be glad when it's over.

[Marie2016]

Hi, sorry you're having a hard time!
I understand the scary thoughts, whenever I've been super anxious for a few days or I'm overly tired I get the same ones 'what if I get worse' what if I lose my mind and get sectioned' what if I lose control' these thoughts are so common in anxious people but that fact doesn't help much when you're having them!
I have agoraphobia and I'm worried about Christmas too, I get anxious when we have visitors but I feel okay with that this year as I've spaced them out nicely and my husband assures me that even if I'm anxious no one can tell. I'm worried about going over to my in laws on Christmas Day though! I so badly want to go and not have to watch my husband and kids leave without me.
You're right about accepting its anxiety, it's so helpful but not always easy. I also use mindfulness and it's very useful.

Just wanted you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way :)

[fishman65]

Hi Bonnibelle, the scenarios you describe are familiar to many here but in your case there is added spice from the expectation to adhere to your family's wishes. I remember the story regarding your brother, it seems quite understandable that you would feel anxiety at the prospect of any kind of family 'reunion'.

Of course this is where Christmas causes us anxiety people such hardship. We are thrown together with others who we just happen to share DNA. The whole compulsion of Christmas reminds me of the Flash Gordon film from the 80s. Ming the Merciless had just been crowned Emperor and the order was sent out, 'the people of the land shall make merry, under pain of death'. I still get accused of 'ruining' Christmas :lac: But we shouldn't allow others to project their idea of what this time of year should mean or how we should spend it. Easier said than done of course, but as others have stated before me, try to plan a festive period based on your terms rather than the manipulation of family. Hang in there, January is not far away :hugs: