View Full Version : plans for the future, i will beat HA
AnxietyKillinMe
21-12-16, 07:21
Hi all. I recently posted about my fears of having ALS, which haven't gone away at all of course. I'm waiting to hear from my GP about when my appt with neuro will be and then going from there. This will certainly be the longest waiting game that I've ever played. The title of this post is probably misleading to say the least. I do truly believe that I have ALS, however, should by some miracle I do not then I will have no choice but to chalk up all of these feelings to anxiety as I can't imagine what else it would be given all of my other diagnostic tests have been negative. I'm more than familiar with anxiety, it might as well be my middle name. I know all of the symptoms and I know it can make you feel however it wants to make you feel. This just seems very different to me, like I can feel deep down in my gut that something just isn't right. I take xanax for my anxiety and it's not like when I take it everything stops, although I wish it did because then it would be an easy fix. Why do I think I have ALS? Body wide fascics that have gone on for two weeks now, randoming cramping of mostly my thighs and calves as well as stiffness in them too after having done nothing physical, right wrist now tight, feels like objects as light as a spoon and fork are heavy and hard to get a grip on properly, some random buzzing of the feet but rarely, some random shots of tingling at various parts of my body. Anyway, to the original point, if that is all somehow some massive coincidence and it's nothing but anxiety which i can't see how that's possible, then i will determine that my anxiety is awful and i will see a counselor regarding it. If anxiety can do all of this, then I need more help than anyone here can provide and I realize that. I'm nervous that it is what i think it is and that i'm nothing short of doomed, but we'll see what neuro says. I'll get through it one way or the other, either by way of death via ALS or overcoming my anxiety through therapy.
Can I ask, do you have any clinical weakness anywhere?
Can you do everything you could do a month ago? Albeit with slightly strange feelings?
Everytime I believed I had a serious illness I felt deep down in my gut that I was right.
The symptoms of ALS are not vague hazy maybes. They are very dramatic. The old neurologist who used to contribute here said that. He also said that in almost all cases the patients would present after a trip and fall episode. That is tripping and falling for no reason. Or they would be holding something like a cup and it would just fall out of their hand for no reason. Symptoms did not improve and there were no good and bad periods. Does any of that sound like what is happening with you?
---------- Post added at 17:34 ---------- Previous post was at 17:28 ----------
See a counsellor. Why wait? You don't have ALS. And when you get confirmation of that you will move on to another health fear. You may as well get the process underway. t this time of year you will probably have to wait a while for an appointment.
AnxietyKillinMe
21-12-16, 08:08
@colicab85 it doesn't seem like clinical weakness per say, of course there is some perceived weakness like in my right hand now especially but that's new within the last week-ish or so. I can still use my right hand it just feels different. I've walked on my tip toes, heels, balanced on one foot etc. with no inability to do so. In fact it kinda feels like my legs are better off now than they were when this all began and now it's more in my arms. I still work, lift patients, etc. just feel weaker in general.
@swajj No tripping although sometimes i feel like my left foot hits the ground early and brushes it but not necessarily tripping no. One of my legs is longer than the other and usually i go to the chiropractor for adjustments and haven't in a while, so i'm assuming thats probably part of feeling like i'm walking oddly. that and just paying attention to it now. no dropping of cups or anything although i feel like i've been dropping things more so i've consciously made an effort to really grab something tight when i want it. only weird thing is feeling like i'm just barely able to hold onto a fork or a spoon when i was eating dinner with my gf last night it just felt heavy but idk if im just over analyzing things now.
My foot dragged too. But only if I thought about it. I'd be walking around the mall and the thought would come "my foot just seemed to scrape the floor". For the rest of my walk around the mall it seemed like my foot was dragging so much that my shoe was going to fall off! You think you aren't thinking about it but you are, all the time. You are watching that movie and are positive you are distracted and not even remotely thinking about ALS. But you are. HA is insidious. You do not have ALS.
AnxietyKillinMe
21-12-16, 08:31
@swajj kinda sounds like you went through what i'm going through? The tiniest little part of me thinks that i'm fine because it's hard to imagine having something so rare. At the same time just because it's rare doesn't mean that no one has it, someone has to have it and i just feel like i'm that unlucky person. I wish i could rationalize and realize it's all probably BFS but twitching is just so weird and random. It's not like i'm hyperventilating and could control my breathing if i wanted to, twitching is uncontrollable so that's probably why it has me so freaked out. Most normal people with anxiety get short of breath or chest pain that goes away. I have twitching that i've never had before that started out of the blue. It's just all so weird.
@colicab85 it doesn't seem like clinical weakness per say, of course there is some perceived weakness like in my right hand now especially but that's new within the last week-ish or so. I can still use my right hand it just feels different. I've walked on my tip toes, heels, balanced on one foot etc. with no inability to do so. In fact it kinda feels like my legs are better off now than they were when this all began and now it's more in my arms. I still work, lift patients, etc. just feel weaker in general.
In all honesty if you do not have clinical weakness you will not get a diagnosis of ALS. What I mean by that is THE diagnostic feature of ALS is CLINICAL weakness, a hand that doesn't work, an ankle or toe that you cannot raise.
A neurologist will not diagnose you with ALS, they will not book you in for an EMG, they will perform a neurological exam to test reflexes and strength and when that is all fine (which it will be) they will ask you about recent stressors and things.
You will be told its Anxiety, advised to check some websites, maybe buy a book and get a therapist.
I GUARANTEE this will happen.
I had the twitching and I thought like you "how can I possibly be imagining this?". If you had told me at the time that all the twitching was due to my muscles being tense I would never have believed it but that was the cause of most of it. Looking back a few years later I know that my headaches, vision problems, breathing problems etc etc were all the result of either focusing on a particular part of my body or the result of muscle tension. My HA was quite severe. I was under a psychiatrist for a couple of years nearly.
AnxietyKillinMe
21-12-16, 08:55
@colicab85 you're probably right about the clinical weakness. i can't, and it seems many others, can't wrap their heads around the fact that clinical weakness most likely isn't progressive in nature but sudden. the twitching is what started all of my fears because it's just such a random uncontrollable thing. had i not twitched and continue to twitch i wouldn't even be posting right now.
Yeah I guarantee that will happen to.
See a counsellor because HA gets worse.
---------- Post added at 18:26 ---------- Previous post was at 18:25 ----------
too
AnxietyKillinMe
21-12-16, 08:57
@swajj well that's enocuraging. most likely i'm in a constant state of anxiety whether its insanely apparent or insidious, and i'm probably tense more than i realize. i feel like i need sedated for a few weeks so i can chill and stop caring about all of this and move on because i know how crazy it sounds but you know how HA is, doesn't matter how crazy it sounds it's true to yourself
If you want to stop twitching find a way to relax your muscles. It is easier said than done but you need to find a way.
---------- Post added at 18:33 ---------- Previous post was at 18:28 ----------
I understand. I used to think like that too. I remember begging the doctor to put me in hospital to find out what was wrong with me. There was nothing wrong with me except HA and he knew it. My psych told me that I was in a state of anxiety 24/7. Even when sleeping. I found that hard to believe but I know now it was true. So yeah muscle tension is 24/7 too.
@colicab85 you're probably right about the clinical weakness. i can't, and it seems many others, can't wrap their heads around the fact that clinical weakness most likely isn't progressive in nature but sudden. the twitching is what started all of my fears because it's just such a random uncontrollable thing. had i not twitched and continue to twitch i wouldn't even be posting right now.
I know man, it absolutely sucks. I was completely where you were around 4/5 months ago.
What I can tell you is that anxiety and stress 100% can and do cause muscle twitching, I had body wide fasics, I still have some from time to time. The thing is though, the reason ALS causes fasics or twitching is due to the muscle dying and is always a secondary symptom, it comes AFTER weakness and atrophy.
The reason i started with my anxiety and depression was I lost a very close friend (known him since I was 3 years old, im 31 now) to ALS in September of this year. It is no shrinking violet, within 3 months of his FIRST symptom (which was he could no longer grip anything with his left hand) he couldn't walk, talk or breath properly and was gone after 14 months. He did have twitching but it was a LONG time after all the weakness he experienced etc.
I know its really really hard to believe, I've been there like I say. But seriously, chronic anxiety takes a HELL of a toll on your body and until you allow yourself to accept that you don't have ALS it will continue to do so
After 9 months of worry I'm only just starting to feel better physically.
AnxietyKillinMe
21-12-16, 09:48
@colicab85 that makes sense. i just need to keep reading that and get it into my head that i would probably not be able to walk right or something like that first and then twitch after and probably only in the spot that was dead so to speak and not all over my body. it's hard to grip given the severity of the actual illness. i'd rather worry i had cancer because at least then i could be hopeful. for some reason what you said helped and i'm sorry that you had to lose someone to it. thanks for sharing.
It's ok mate :).
One thing I would absolutely suggest is that you stop reading ALS stories immediately. There's no joy in it, they are stories of terrible things happening to good people and you do not need to immerse yourself in it. It will make you feel a lot worse and perpetuate the twitching.
It certainly was hard losing my friend, I feel terribly guilty that I was so selfish that all I could think about was myself and my imaginary illness and not the actual illness he had.
But seriously, doctors have given you a diagnosis of anxiety. You now have to work on fixing the issue that the doctors have told you you do have, not one that they know you don't.
Anxietykillinme-
I am going through the same thing as you right now. My symptoms are the same but only my left wrist, hand, arm. I am also really struggling. It's a terrible feeling.
I woke up this morning in complete panic over what is happening to me. I have a total ALS phobia and it has taken over my life. It takes all I can muster up just to make it through the days. When will it end? I feel like it won't.
Good luck. I'm with you.
This is really just a continuation of your previous thread. I said it there and I'll say it here.
ALS is about failing, not feeling.
Based on what you've described, you won't be diagnosed with ALS but I think you know this deep down. As another member said. Why wait? The future is NOW! ;)
Positive thoughts
After 9 months of worry I'm only just starting to feel better physically.
Did it really take you 9 months to get over it? I have been battling this for just over a month and I keep waiting to come to my senses and start to "shake it". I do have bits of time where I seem to almost forget about my fear but my anxiety is always there and I can't stop focusing on my arm/hand/finger fatigue. I can't believe I have worked myself into this extreme episode of agonizing fear, anxiety, physical "symptoms", and depression. I just want to feel like I am on the "upswing" but every day I have a time that it's clear I'm still at rock bottom.
Did it really take you 9 months to get over it? I have been battling this for just over a month and I keep waiting to come to my senses and start to "shake it". I do have bits of time where I seem to almost forget about my fear but my anxiety is always there and I can't stop focusing on my arm/hand/finger fatigue. I can't believe I have worked myself into this extreme episode of agonizing fear, anxiety, physical "symptoms", and depression. I just want to feel like I am on the "upswing" but every day I have a time that it's clear I'm still at rock bottom.
A month? Pah, I laugh at a month.
Just joking! But yes, I've been struggling with anxiety over a variety of health concerns, including ALS, since the end of April.
In that time I've been to the doctors at least 20 times. Seen 2 private neurologists and had a brain MRI. I'm clearly fine. Just need to accept it.
If you've only been struggling for a month you're still in the "acute" phase. Where your symptoms are at their strongest. I'm now at the "chronic" phase. Where my symptoms are much less severe but always there.
But, like I say, for the past week or 2 I've been feeling really great. You will do too. It just takes time.
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