Crappy end to a year [Archive]

View Full Version : Crappy end to a year

wubu

26-12-16, 17:55

I finally faced up to my undiagnosed Asperger's. I have autism running in the family and it was never until the kids were diagnosed that my traits were saw as similar, although not as bad. Well I've been living with this for 30+ years and always knew I wasn't the same as other people, I always had loads of anxiety and always learnt from other people rather than naturally being able to for example, be empathic or judge emotions accurately etc.

I'm certainly not that far up on the spectrum, but enough to make social situations awkward etc. I think one of the things that really made me pay attention was the movie Adam, about a guy with Asperger's.

I had a relationship for 10 years and a child who is now likely to be Asperger's, we're waiting for the official test. Sometimes I get so upset because when I think im doing or saying the correct thing my missus has just got pissed off inside. This has lead to a breakup and its really hard to find words to say to the other person that can explain why I did or said what I did, its even harder for that person to understand but I dont want to be in the dog house as its never meant to upset anyone. Because I can get so absorbed her needs often pass me by. I only wished she could have pulled me up on things rather than let it build up.

Rant over.

randomforeigner

27-12-16, 04:39

I found this documentary on Asperger's. It's really interesting, explains a lot of issues: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TSlti5bioQ They mention a support group on Facebook, you might wan't to check it out? It's Facebook address is mentioned (showed) at precisely time = 8:51 in the film... A great film btw, very positive.

Elen

27-12-16, 08:57

NoraB

27-12-16, 10:02

I had a relationship for 10 years and a child who is now likely to be Asperger's, we're waiting for the official test. Sometimes I get so upset because when I think im doing or saying the correct thing my missus has just got pissed off inside. This has lead to a breakup and its really hard to find words to say to the other person that can explain why I did or said what I did, its even harder for that person to understand but I dont want to be in the dog house as its never meant to upset anyone. Because I can get so absorbed her needs often pass me by. I only wished she could have pulled me up on things rather than let it build up.

Rant over.

You say you're are undiagnosed..have you talked to your partner about it?

I find it hard to express how I feel in actual words because my brain plays tricks on me when I try to say things so I write stuff down instead. If I have a problem, I send OH an e mail.

It's often the case that when a child is diagnosed with autism, one of the parents realises that they are autistic as well. Some go for an assessment but others are content in the knowledge that they are autistic without need of formal diagnosis. In either circumstance, it's essential that the non-autistic (neurotypical) partner has a good understanding of autism and there are numerous books and websites to help with that. For the partner who is autistic, they have to realise that autism or not, there has to be compromise. Communication is key whether it's verbal or written. Autistic people struggle to understand hints. They need to know where they are going wrong if there is a problem or they won't be able to address it. They confuse facial expression and tone of voice so it really needs to be made clear to them.

The autistic partner has different needs and skills which must be understood in order to avoid problems. It's hard work because one half of the relationship is always functioning on a different level but as with any relationship, it just takes some effort. Behaviours can be learned but there also has to be acceptance that the partner is different. Me and OH cope with our differences by communicating. It doesn't matter that it's not face to face. I know I am hard work. It's hard being me so it must be hard being with me. But I want my husband to understand why I am the way I am so I give him books to read and send him links to websites. Yes, your partner has needs which have to be met but she also needs to be clear about what those needs are so don't beat yourself up too much.

I hope some of this helps.

All the best

pulisa

28-12-16, 13:59

I take it you now have a formal diagnosis, Nora? I think your post was really informative, insightful and helpful. I have 2 adult children on the spectrum and can see how it came to be passed on through relatives on my husband's side who are undiagnosed. I also wonder about myself and my routines but I have been told by many psychiatrists that I am not on the spectrum.

I have made a point of helping my children negotiate the intricacies of social skills where there is no rule book. When a diagnosis comes in later life you've missed out on this "education" and it's tough and frustrating when you're misunderstood through no fault of your own. Communication with your OH is vital as Nora says whether that's in a written form which may be easier or face to face which could be very hard for a person on the spectrum. Understanding yourself and accepting yourself for who you are and what positive qualities you can offer may bring you some comfort. I really hope so.

wubu

28-12-16, 15:40

Thats actually really helpful. Im not fussed about having a diagnosis as i can find ways around things.l, but maybe a chat with the GP will help. Im not actually sure my partner is interested as she said she doesnt want to feel like shes my mother, i should be looking after the family. Well i do agree but some cues sometimes woukd be great! Im not sure how to read her, when to hug her or what i should be saying, sometimes i just do it and hope for the best but if i dont this is when i distance myself and close up and she thinks im in some odd mood but actually im so pissed off with myself at not being able to assess and then take action on a situation. She also says shes fed up of the bs and me not acting on what i say, again i agree but i dont mean to be an arse, i am now using time managmebt sheets and writing down what needs to be done and what can be left for a bit.

I want to show now that i have addmitted i am a bit odd that i have to take control of it and not hide it.

pulisa

28-12-16, 17:32

It's said that Asperger's is just an extension of "normal" men's social behaviour anyway....I wouldn't be in a hurry to diagnose yourself-your relationship might not be in the greatest shape and your partner might just be feeling irritable and intolerant and making you feel bad and "inferior"..
It takes expertise and skill to diagnose ASD accurately and it may not be something you want to have done formally anyway.