looking4answers
11-04-07, 02:44
Woke up this morning.. ached all over ,during the night the winds started blowing and think that we may have got hail during the morning not sure.I got up and went and fed the horses..a feeling of just total unsureness today.. My pulse felt weak my arms very strange and my neck hurt.. wondering if it was from the way I slept last night...Things have just seemed strange lately.My heartbeat for several days has pounded in my ears and today I can barely feel it beating..My arms feel funny and legs as well ..just a really strange feeling all over..maybe the weather.. My heartbeat feels very faint and slow..odd because i have tried to do things to make it beat faster in someways..I came back and laid down and just had an uneasy feeling the sameday everyday ..Im worried..my emotions running wild from an hurting under the edge of my ribs to just an nervous uneasy feeling.I got up and did somethings after I slept very late..I worked on a ceiling fan that acted the other night like there is a poltergeist in the house finding that there is power going to it although the switch was off..To make it a little more brief Ill get to the point here.I have been having issues with living in this new place for months finally getting to where i was feeling more that this was to be home..This afternoon i had a feeling sweep over me that makes me feel that i just hate this place,I dont know why.I had started to find home here with the animals.I went outside this afternoon to feed and the wind was blowing it was very cold and harsh and one of the horse following me stepped on the back of my boots and that even made me more angry ..I became frustrated for most people looking at this view they would love to live here is like a post card..A ranch ,animals wide open spaces big sky country ..and snow capped mountains..I can't deal with it.. I cant move we have put every penny into this place it has to be home but before i sat down to write this I thought to myself .There must be something wrong that I hate this place, I dont like the people that are in the area where i live and not even sure I like animals anymore..What is wrong with me..is this just a bad day when im frustrated with life in general and its not really the place its just me losing it or what.Im so tired of worry about my living and trying to guess what everyday is going to be like I feel like im stuck in a dream and can't escape..Why do I hate this place so much? Most would look at it and say how lucky you are.Why don't i feel this way?Everyday is the same day.Wake ,worry ,try to get around wondering if ill survive the day then go to sleep at night and waking to the very samething again.The more I do the worse I feel and its suppose to make you feel better to do more everyday .Am I just crazy or what? Is this anxiety ?Please Help...I have such anger inside and such depise for this place why ?