Never felt so scared and irrational

[richymac]

Hi everyone - first post here

Had a awful two weeks - and don't know where to go next. Just a bit about me I'm a 56 year old, never smoker who is reasonably fit and not overweight (by much BMI 25) never had any major illnesses but always had health anxiety that started back in the 80's with the AIDS tombstone adverts. That paralysed me with fear so much that even though I had very few (heterosexual) partners I was convinced I had it lost loads of weight - even more proof if needed. Couldn't tell anyone about the fears but months of anguish later I had to - all clear of course.

Fast forward 30 years and the annual / bi annual debilitating anxieties are still around I think I've had Leukaemia (really glandular fever) testicular cancer (groin strain) oesophageal cancer (acid reflux) etc etc - each time I have been ignoring the docs diagnosis - "what do they know" and spent weeks of debilitating anxiety and depression until it goes away.

Two weeks ago I had the genuinely devastating news that my beloved sister in law has been confirmed as having lung cancer. The family knew from previous tests that something was going wrong but the final news was a huge blow to us all.

So, my fears, demons have to stay with me - I can't share with my family for support as there is someone in the family who really needs help.

So, the back pain between my shoulder blades and down my sides can't be discussed.

I have the horrible sensation of a vague pain which seems to move around my back and into my lower neck. My anxiety and panic attacks leave me shaking, weak and tired I find my whole torso trembling for hours at a time, particularly bad in the evenings and in the dead of night. I have some 40mg Propanolol which I take to try and stop the shakes, but l have convinced myself this back, shoulder neck pain is a symptom of (lung) cancer - it's irrelevant that my in law has been diagnosed - I'm in the early stages.

I need to breath deeper (I know) I need to be more rational (I know) - but nothing works. I just have a louder voice in my head telling me this is the real deal and I'm in big trouble.

Where to next ? - do I try to force loads of tests that will probably take me off work (I can't afford that) or try and get some CBT / Hypnotherapy ?

[Colicab85]

Hi.

Very sorry to hear about your sister in law.

I can't offer much advice regarding your specific symptoms as I haven't got any experience in them but it's fairly well known that anxieties and depression often cause aches and pains.

Also, try and apply the logic that you have been certain of a number of things in the past and none of them have come to fruition. That will be the case here I'm sure.

Also, on doing some rudimentary research, lung cancer causes a cough that doesn't go away and coughing up blood. These are the MAIN symptoms it seems, pain is secondary. I'd bet my new mortgage on you being fine :).

[brucealmighty]

hello richymac
I`m very sorry to hear you are struggling, logic doesn`t come into it when you are frightened.
I forget the authors just now but I used a book some years back called `its not all in your head` which is pretty much the bible for dealing with health anxiety. I had dreadful heart fears and it sorted me out. its not just a reading book, you have to do the exercises but i swear it is worth getting hold of.
I`m truly sorry to hear about your sister in law, she has her own battles, but try to spend all your energies on making your own life and health as good as possible

edit - the authors are Gordon JG Asmundson and Steven Taylor currently £11.76 on amazon

[richymac]

Thanks for the responses - I find them useful and supportive.

I know that the pains I am feeling would be practicaly ignored if it was for the horrible situation my Sister in law is in - bit our minds are irrational and thats where the fear stems from. Being on holiday over Christmas with loads of time on my hands doesnt help either - staring at my naval / my fate all day isnt good.

Went to the doctors yesterday she (reluctantly) gave me 14 days worth of diazapam (2mg 3x a day) which should help with the fears and poor sleep - so lets see

My blessed mum is now having to respond to my 03:00 WHatsapps as I stare at the ceiling - shes 86 and so wise but does understand how I feel

[emnemz]

I agree with the time on your hands bit, my kids have been with their dad since weds afternoon up till then I was fine since then I've had a rollercoaster few days with my anxiety. Just come to tk maxx with the other half and I've had to come sit in the car. Got the food shop to tackle next too.

Really sorry about your sister in law, I too had the lung cancer fear for many months, all kind of symptoms I was convinced, till I had a chest X-ray. I phoned every day for results, when clear I could of cried.

It's good your mum is supportive none of my family are. Hope you feel a little better soon x