Alpha
29-12-16, 00:13
Okay so I started thinking more about HIV when I had this sore throat and swollen lymph nodes in November that wouldn't go away and I googled just to see it could be early symptoms of HIV infection... Turned out to be just tonsillitis but that episode made my anxiety so much worse after more than a year without it being bad.
A week after that I was making out with my boyfriend and he started bleeding from his gums. I pointed him that and he said 'now you got aids' as a JOKE (he is always making jokes) but of course it only took that word to make my anxiety flare up. I told him I was not confortable with that kind of jokes and he knows about my health anxiety and supports me a lot, in fact he has been my rock and the reason my anxiety hasnt been so bad in the past year. But after I told him about my fear of HIV e even added 'having Aids isn't that bad, the problem is getting sick when you have it' ONCE AGAIN AS A JOKE, but once he said that I imediatly questioned how he knew that, maybe he knows someone who has it (maybe even in his family) or even himself... Of course this was a stupid thought and I shaked it off imediatly, but the days after my anxiety only got worse and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I googled about his gums bleeding because it is always happening and I read it is common in people who are infected with HIV. The thing is, he suffers from anemia, which also affects the immune system so it could be from that too. Oh god I know it is 100% because of that but my anxiety won't let me accept it and it's making me think he's lying to me about his anemia and that he has Aids or something and I hate myself so much for that!! He is the kindest person I know and he is always helping me so i can't believe my anxiety is giving me this thoughts... Of course that's not the only thing making me think of that stupid possibility, also the fact that a part of his family is from Africa and the infection os more common there... And that before dating me he was in a long term relationship with someone for over a year and never had sexual intercourse with her. Which i always thought was weird because her ex was not a virgin, maybe because she knew my boyfriend has the virus (see, I already made the most silly stories in my head) or maybe she had it and didn't want to spread it (but did it anyway somehow) urgh this is so stupid I know... But I can't help but think of all the absolute possibilies. That's just the way my anxiety works, just so you know sometimes I cant eat at parties because I think someone might have poisoned the food. It's Ridiculous... But I really need some oppinions on this.... he knew about my health anxiety even before we started dating and he also told me about his anemia before that... I can't even imagine the possibility of him hiding something like Aids from me when he knows very well how sensitive I am about those things... I don't think I would be able to trust anyone after that and that scares me so much. I already have trouble trusting people. But he can be irresponsible sometimes, not to the point of that I hope..
We've been dating for almost a year and I dont think I've shown any symptoms of HIV besides the sore throat but I know many people go on without any symptoms for years... Also I have no ways of discussing this with my boyfriend, I'm too scared of what he might think of me and I dont want him to think I dont trust him when this is only my anxiety talking. Also I don't have any way to test for HIV right now because I don't have health insurance and I really can't tell my Mother about this. I'd be way too scared to see the results anyway. 😢
A week after that I was making out with my boyfriend and he started bleeding from his gums. I pointed him that and he said 'now you got aids' as a JOKE (he is always making jokes) but of course it only took that word to make my anxiety flare up. I told him I was not confortable with that kind of jokes and he knows about my health anxiety and supports me a lot, in fact he has been my rock and the reason my anxiety hasnt been so bad in the past year. But after I told him about my fear of HIV e even added 'having Aids isn't that bad, the problem is getting sick when you have it' ONCE AGAIN AS A JOKE, but once he said that I imediatly questioned how he knew that, maybe he knows someone who has it (maybe even in his family) or even himself... Of course this was a stupid thought and I shaked it off imediatly, but the days after my anxiety only got worse and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I googled about his gums bleeding because it is always happening and I read it is common in people who are infected with HIV. The thing is, he suffers from anemia, which also affects the immune system so it could be from that too. Oh god I know it is 100% because of that but my anxiety won't let me accept it and it's making me think he's lying to me about his anemia and that he has Aids or something and I hate myself so much for that!! He is the kindest person I know and he is always helping me so i can't believe my anxiety is giving me this thoughts... Of course that's not the only thing making me think of that stupid possibility, also the fact that a part of his family is from Africa and the infection os more common there... And that before dating me he was in a long term relationship with someone for over a year and never had sexual intercourse with her. Which i always thought was weird because her ex was not a virgin, maybe because she knew my boyfriend has the virus (see, I already made the most silly stories in my head) or maybe she had it and didn't want to spread it (but did it anyway somehow) urgh this is so stupid I know... But I can't help but think of all the absolute possibilies. That's just the way my anxiety works, just so you know sometimes I cant eat at parties because I think someone might have poisoned the food. It's Ridiculous... But I really need some oppinions on this.... he knew about my health anxiety even before we started dating and he also told me about his anemia before that... I can't even imagine the possibility of him hiding something like Aids from me when he knows very well how sensitive I am about those things... I don't think I would be able to trust anyone after that and that scares me so much. I already have trouble trusting people. But he can be irresponsible sometimes, not to the point of that I hope..
We've been dating for almost a year and I dont think I've shown any symptoms of HIV besides the sore throat but I know many people go on without any symptoms for years... Also I have no ways of discussing this with my boyfriend, I'm too scared of what he might think of me and I dont want him to think I dont trust him when this is only my anxiety talking. Also I don't have any way to test for HIV right now because I don't have health insurance and I really can't tell my Mother about this. I'd be way too scared to see the results anyway. 😢