elik
30-12-16, 05:59
So my best friend came back last week after 9 months of travelling which is great and she's a brilliant friend and like a sister to me. however I am really struggling to keep up with it all. As with everyone else in it life I am very much a follower and it's always been my role (saying yes to a lot, very involved in their lives, do their daily duties with them) which with her has never phased me and I don't know if it's the sudden change after I've been super independent and her wanting to see me whenever so I don't want to say anything because my worries are so intense and so fleeting I also have to take into account that this could cause massive regret and guilt.... I just feel super claustrophobic like my life's choices are dominated by others needs (not to their fault) and I just keep myself available to demand and can't possibly manage a job on top of this because I'll collapse under pressure. It's horrible because sometimes I find myself feeling rather resentful of people when I get let down plans constantly change and people ASSUME that I'm there always because I never say anything, i need to be perfect or I won't be the Ellie they love. I dont want all this negativity locked inside of me and I'm scared where it will drive me all because silly me can't get a back bone and follow her own path without freaking out and feeling like I'm going to burst. Bottom line, I don't want to upset anyone but for my mental health and for my quality of life and happiness I need to start making my own decisions but I'm petrified, like throwing up feelings of petrified. To add to this, for most people it's a lot more simplified - not happy, change it. For me as a professional ruminative it becomes an even bigger puzzle when I don't know if I'm over thinking and that becomes another question- hence why I never change my life patterns, I don't know what is or isn't a valid change or one that's bred by anxiety - how do I know either way if I am succumbing to my anxiety. So meanwhile I have a huge amount of bottled up anxiety anger and frustration at a lack of decision and control of my own life whilst I'm desperate to let it out, I am beyond petrified of others views and judgements. It's like I repeat the same thing with a slight change on the rumination but I'm a broken record waiting for a clear cut answer.