View Full Version : Boyfriend is making me feel really insecure/anxious?
Hi guys,
I suffer with anxiety (mainly performance related) so work related or anything to do with tests/exams and also have a low self esteem.
Recently my boyfriend has been diagnosed with depression and been put on meds for it and since then he has been pretty much like a zombie for example loss of interest in life and isn't interested in sleeping with me.
Which isn't a problem and I'm trying to help him through it but he has been saying strange things to me like he wants to watch another man sleep with me, etc, now call me old fashioned but I could not imagine watching the person I love sleep with someone else right before my eyes, it makes me question if he loves me at all. He seems very selfish in his fantasies saying thinks like "I hope you get more adventurous as you get older." And telling me all about these fantasies yet he has no libido and currently refusing to sleep with me?
Obviously this is so confusing for me as the reason I'm so insecure is because me long term ex partner cheated on me (and he knows this).
It just makes me feel so inadequate if I'm not enough, just me as I am now without involving other people in our relationship. Am I wrong to just want togetherness just me and him? He acts like I am a selfish prude because my only desires are for him to desire me and want me but I thought that was quite standard in a relationship?
He also sometimes says other hurtful things to me and says he's "joking" when I get upset.
So mostly he is pushing my buttons and winding me up to a state of anxiety, then in the next breath he's saying "when we get a house" and "when we get married" - always talking about the future with me.
Anyone got any advice? I get a lot of mixed messages from him and it's causing a lot of anxiety...
Thanks for any advice, greatly appreciated xx
I have met males like that, I imagine because of his depression hes possible saying things he doesnt mean ( not that its exceptable)
Id tell him how its making you feel, sometimes men say daft things. Ive been in similar before and in the end I got angry so best to say and see if he stops. Make it clear to him you wont put up with those remarks. Also try and look after yourself :)
Thanks Fluff :hugs:
I agree a lot has to do with his mental health issues (all of which I have been there for him every step of the way, including encouraging him to seek help) that's why it hurts so much.
We've just had another fall out now which resulted in my going quiet on him for not knowing what to say to him then him saying that "he's joking and I shouldn't bite."
I know a lot is my issue with my own insecurities but my self esteem is getting no better all the while he is refusing to sleep with me yet telling me he wants to watch me with other men!
:weep:
MyNameIsTerry
04-01-17, 05:18
Has his behaviour changed since going on meds?
Many couples engage in this type of sexual behaviour, as long as they both enjoy it and consent it's really up to them and they can love each other as much as those who prefer a relationship to only be about the two of them. If it's not your thing, a partner has to take your feelings into account and either bury it or look for someone with similiar sexual appetites.
Make him aware that you are uncomfortable with this. If he doesn't like it, he has a choice to make.
It's also unfair to you if he is trying to pressure you through making you feel guilty. I also wouldn't accept that any refusal could impact on his mental health, that's just trying to apply guilt to you and totally unfair. Having a mental health condition doesn't mean you get the keys to the sweetshop because they are afraid it will affect your condition.
The refusal to sleep with you is strange. Being a man, there would have to be something embarrassing stopping me or if my mental health had reduced my libido so I didn't care about sex. Is he holding back to try and persuade you to fulfil that fantasy?
GlassPinata
04-01-17, 05:21
He may be testing you, to see your reaction. He's wondering if you WANT to sleep with another man, or if you're content with the state of things.
Thanks for the replies, no I have made it clear I do not want an open relationship and never have. I agree that if some people do this and both consent and are happy and comfortable, that's fine but it's really not what I want at all. I could not watch the person I love make love to someone else, it would destroy me. If he's have told be at the the start of the relationship about his sexual preferences I would have run for the hills. But time went on and I relocated my whole live (liked moved house a long way from family, changed jobs etc) to be with him then now he's bringing this up.
He did mention it a few times before the mental health started but I brushed it off as a joke. We used to have an amazing sex life but since he's been on meds he just constantly rejects me and for some reason keeps talking about his sexual fantasies that make me feel so insecure because I feel uncomfortable with them and just feel inadequate and really sad that I'm not enough for him just as I am, on my own.
I've asked him why he won't sleep with me and he doesn't answer, I've asked if it s me and is there anything I can do to change it and he said no. It's not even like I'm fat or anything I eat healthy, exercise a lot, in good shape, I've got a job and pay my way, never sponge off of him.
This guy just got me so confused, it's tearing me apart. I'm also aware he watches porn too which is fine, however it would bug me if he was replacing that with the real thing. That would really bother me.
I think its the depression.
He doesn't feel capable of a sexual relationship & is getting off on the fantasies & porn.
It would really help if he said what the problem was rather than causing hurt & making you blame yourself.
Perhaps when he says he's only joking, say its no laughing matter & explain the impact on yourself. Take some time out for yourself. Maybe if he spends time alone, he'll appreciate you more. I'm sure this will pass.
Sorry you are going through this. Relationships can be hard, but moreso when there are mental health issues.
I just wanted to post mainly in regards to your boyfriend not wanting to sleep with you. Was he ok prior to taking medication? Antidepressants are notorious for causing lack of libido and when I took them for almost 6 years I had pretty much zero sex drive (for the whole of that time). I still had the odd thought here and there and that could be why he's talking about his 'fantasies'.
Agree with everything that has been posted.
He sounds like he's on a bit of a downward spiral to me.
Make sure this is the limit if you are not happy, and that if things get worse you need to take action. Whatever that might be.
Know your boundries, and no what you want from life. If he is continually crossing them with these suggestions, make him aware.
Don't let him manipulate you just because he gets a kick out of it. It's a sign that things aren't right with him, and he probably needs more help.
Thanks for the replies everyone it is so much appreciated. Just the more he talks about his fantasies what involve other people the more self esteem I loose (I didn't have a lot to begin with due to a previous abusive relationship where I was cheated o and being bullied at work) and he knows all this and I've told him about my insecurities and that I'm trying to work on them, but they are being chipped away by his lack of desire for me. I understand he needs help and he's not some sort of object but yet he carries on pushing my buttons until I cry despite telling him thanks for being honest about your fantasies but I'm not interested and it hurts me so stop saying it, and once he can see I am actually hurt he says it was all "a joke."
Catherine S
04-01-17, 13:19
People stay together for various reasons, some for love and others for security, don't want to be alone etc. But it's never a good thing to stay in an abusive relationship. Never. It doesn't have to be physical abuse, because mental abuse is just as bad. Sorry but I don't go in for the depression and meds excuse either. People do not behave that badly because they're taking meds even with side effects like low or no sex drive, it's not an excuse for mind games, and It seems he had these tendencies before the meds too.
You gave up your previous life for him, so I can see how you would want to try to hold onto him, but at what cost to your own health? From what you say you have helped him so much already so don't feel guilty if you decide to walk away.
ISB x
Your partner sounds immature. He's being manipulative & enjoys pushing you around until you cry. Isn't "Its only a joke" what bullies say? I would take SLA & I Still Believe's advice on board.
I'm sure plenty of guys find you attractive (they just don't let on). As for your BF, if these "other people" saw what he was like they would run a mile.:mad:
Thank you everyone. There are a lot of comments mentioning "abuse" and "manipulation" - is this really what he's doing? I do spend a lot of time when I'm around him just feeling crap about myself which only lifts slightly when I go out to work/the gym/shopping for food etc. I feel like his mood swings give me a whiplash. He knows what to say to set off my insecurities yet he's always mentioning the future with us together like getting married etc? He's not the jealous type, in fact he in enjoys when men flirt with me so Heaney not possessive but could it still be emotional abuse without possessiveness?as my understanding of manipulation is that the person is being manipulated to weaken them so that they are so controlled that they won't want to leave the relationship however when he's happy that men flirt with me and he actually wants me to sleep with someone else, then why his need for power and control over me? It seems conflicting and confusing to me. Thanks so much for replies I'm so confused and I don't know how I feel but I feel as if something sinister is about to happen. :(
Also yes I have helped him so much through his mental health problems. Including seeking therapy and approaching a doctor and informing his family.
Catherine S
04-01-17, 14:30
Why do you analyse it so much? It's really quite simple. Does he make you happy? If not walk away. If he behaves the way you've said he does then you are in an abusive and minipulative relationship. You must know there is something wrong or you wouldn't be asking for advice. Stop making excuses for him, and excuses for yourself for why you put up with it all.
ISB x
I understand that a few men get a thrill when other guys flirt with their partner. It boosts their ego. Yes, you fancy her but she's mine. You won't "have" her unless I SAY SO. Its down to insecurity, lack of self-worth?
I don't think he will act on these fantasies - especially when he's on medication & depressed.
Faith, I've not really had chance to read the replies to your thread, but as some one with low self esteem and anxiety myself I'd like to say that some people do take advantage- they find ways to drag us down further, sadly.
If you truly love him then tell him howmuch these things hurt you and that theyre causing you great pain. If he loves you back just as much then he'll stop saying them. If those things don't happen, then do yourself a favour and leave- you don't deserve to be belittled and bullied, especially by the special person in your life.
Thanks guys for all your feedback, each and every bit of advice noted. Lucinda07 do you think that it's all down to lack of self esteem on his part? I know that he is very self concious/paranoid about people judging him on the way he looks.
I appreciate the advice to just leave him but things aren't that simple when you have no family or friends in the area and I've decided to stay out whether we last together or not so it would take a lot of planning on my part to actually leave the relationship. He had got a lot of mental health issues aside from the depression too so I have been helping him through all that but you're all right when you say that he can't use that as an excuse. Also I do really, really love him so would prefer it if it worked out. The next time he mentions something I will confront him. I know what you're saying because of the lack of interest in life due to depression I doubt he'd live up to these fantasies anyway. I wonder what he'd do if I like, actually said to him "I've met a bloke at the gym, who's totally up for sleeping with me" - like really what would he actually do? Because I don't think on reality it would feel as nice as he thinks it might feel! Careful what you wish for because you just might get it - that's the phrase he should be saying to himself!
MyNameIsTerry
04-01-17, 23:14
The reason I asked about whether his behaviour changed since taking the meds is because some of these meds have rarer side effects that can be more intense. Without checking I wouldn't be sure about changes in behaviour like this.
It doesn't sound like that from what you've said as he mentioned things before.
It's difficult to bring up fantasies like this before you trust someone. This doesn't change the fact he either now needs to look for someone who shares them or bury it. If he loves you, that should count for more. Life is full of compromises.
Why he won't sleep with you seems the bigger issue. He really needs to open up so you know what you are dealing with.
I've asked him outright why the sex had stopped and asked if it was me, the way I look etc and he said he thinks maybe the meds as it stopped pretty much as soon as he began taking them.
Even though it's hurting me inside, I don't pressure him because that's obviously Going to make the situation worse.
MyNameIsTerry
05-01-17, 23:23
That can happen with many of these meds. If you know which he is on that can be checked.
If he's been on them less than 6 weeks, it could just be side effects. Longer than that and whilst it may still be a side effect, his GP might decide that one isn't for him or something to augment is needed. More likely the former.
Something like that can certainly fuel depression. The other issue though seems less connected.
Thanks for the reply, I think you're right in saying that maybe I need to treat them as separate issues. He has been on them (Prozac) for about 4/5 weeks and I've noticed he seems more depressed than every with life including skipping work etc. I hope it's a "get worse before you get better" situation with meds because if this is how they are making him feel then why even prescribe them if they're giving the opposite effects of what you want?
Yes medication can certainly make you feel worse before feeling better. I know it must be hard for you but things could take a whole u-turn anytime now and he may pick up all of a sudden.
As I mentioned before I had zero sex drive for the whole of the time I took SSRIS. Wasn't anything to do with my partner or anything I just didn't give a crap about sex. It must be difficult, I am also insecure like you say you are and I would probably worry about it being because of me. But if it happened around the time he started meds I'd say it's probably that.
Thanks guys, I guess this is just the hard part, waiting for the meds to kick in. He's a completely different person now that the mental health issues have developed and since he's been on meds :(
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.