I think I need some help...

[LockedShut]

I really don't think my medication is right for me. I'm scared to tell my doctor the truth. I'm depressed and axious of course. That's what the doctors know. But I know that I'm bordering on manic depression. I also have panic attacks about my health. And... and I hate to admit this... but I have this voice in my head. Which is against pretty much anything I say or do. My boyfriend says it's my depression talking.

If I make a sandwich, it'll say 'do you really think you should eat that? aren't you fat enough?'.
I'll kiss my boyfriend and it'll say 'do you really love him? are you sure you even want to be kissing him?'.
It's the voice that says when I'm crossing a road 'don't speed up, let that car hit you, it wont be so bad...'

I was put on 10mg Citalopram in August 2006 and stopped after 3 weeks. I was put on 5mg Cipralex before Christmas and stopped after 2 months. I was put on 20mg Citalopram at the beginning of March and stopped a week ago.

Citalopram just seems to be for something other than my problems. I tried to tell my doctor that once. But he was your typical white-haired, middle-aged male doctor which I personally try not to see, considering that I'm a black-haired, 19-year-old "depressed chick". He probably assumed that I didn't know what I was talking about. He told me to ignore this forum and the people on it, that they're a waste of time and full of mis-information. (If he'd read my notes he'd know that I'm a horribly lonely girl, and saying something like that is probably not a good thing to say... if I don't talk to you guys, who else do I have?) He then tried to baffle me with medical jargon and I got dismissed with 20mg citalopram. Horrid man.

So what do I do? I can't go to therapy as I have to pay. I can't pay because I don't have money. I can't get a job because I can't work. And I can't go back on the dole because they don't think me being depressed is important enough to stop me working. (They cared more about the fact I have hives than that I told them I was diagnosed as severely depressed...)

Do I got back to the doctor and tell the truth? Do I even want to go back on pills? What pills would they put me on? What. Do. I. Do? The voice is really hard to ignore. I almost broke up with my boyfriend over it. I can't shut it off. I can't hide from the depression. So far today I've been pregnant, had leukiemia (sp?), I've had meningitus since Saturday and I took a picture of myself, it came out with red-eye, so now of course I have cancer of the eye...

It's getting to where I never thought it would. I am getting nervous about leaving the house. This has never happened before. I didn't think it was possible... And now I find myself making excuses to get out of going places.

It's my birthday on Sunday. I'll be 20. My mum is planning on taking me shopping so I can buy whatever I want. I don't think I can do it, to be honest. I'm trying to find stuff on ebay and online stores so I don't have to go...

I'm going crazy. Literallly f**king insane. And I don't know what to do. I want to sleep, but last night I had nightmares about abortions, because I've convinced myself I'm pregnant. Or I could kill myself. The voice is leaning towards that one. I haven't got the guts to do it, but honestly, it feels like... feels like I'm running out of options.

So there's my update. That is what has become of my life.

So... I guess what I'm saying is... help. me.
xo


This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter

[yorkylover]

Hi,with anxiety you can get these sort of thoughts,You are confusing your body and your mind by keep taking these meds and then stopping them.Citalopram you need to come off very slowly.withdrawrel symptoms can be really bad.Have you been told you have manic depression?I think you should see another gp,and be totally honest with them.You can be reffered for counselling ect,and depression is a clinical illness so you should be able to get incapacity benefit.My brother has been on this for about 3 years now for depression.:hugs:

[Jimbo]

Xo,:hugs:

Sorry you're having a tough time at the moment.:hugs: You are not going 'crazy' or 'insane', there is no such thing, you are just ill, like a saw throat but different.

I really think the best thing is to speak to a doc about this. It sounds like your current doc isn't helping much, perhaps ask to see another doc at the surgery if you can?

I could try to reassure you about the meds, they do often make you feel worse for the first few weeks and then the side effects ease and you should start ot feel less depressed and anxious. There's plenty of other types out there that could help, each person is individual and what works for one might not for another. I took Citalopram for a few months, but it didn't really do much for me.

If you are feeling so low that you can't carry on, you really do need to get some help. Think how much it would upset your freinds, family and us if you weren't here. Your doc is the best place to go, just be completely honest about how you are feeling. I know that's hard to do, but the more honest you are the better they can understand and help in the right way. One thing that helps is to make a list of notes about how you are feeling and take it with you, you could always hand this over to your doc if you are too scared to say it.

If you feel really bad, try giving the Samaritans a call, or even send them an e-mail. http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ They are very helpful when you are in a difficult situation.

Jim

[LockedShut]

Thanks for your replies. I guess I should go back to the doctor some time next week... it's going to be awkward as hell though...

Samaritans were pretty awful for me. I sent them an email a couple years ago explain my situation (before I was diagnosed) and asking for help/advice. The only email I got back pretty much said 'Sorry you're going through a hard time, but I cannot help you, only give you support." That was it. Nothing about going to the doctor (something I didn't think would help back then). Didn't help me in any way.

Shucks.
xo

[Jimbo]

Xo,

Sorry the samaritans didn't help last time, they are usually pretty good. I like their e-mail service as I'm often too scared to verbalise how I'm feeling. You could always give them a try again, it can't hurt.

I guess they are right in that there isn't much they can do to help, your doc is the best place for that, but they will listen and it often helps to get it all out to someone.

Perhaps phone up your surgery tomorrow and ask for an emergency apt with another doc?

Jim

[jo61]

Don't worry about feeling awkward at the doctors. They've seen it all and will reassure you that you're not going mad. It sometimes takes time to get the medication right but when you do, hopefully it'll change your life.

:yesyes:

[happyone]

I can't add much more to the advice here, but take it from someone who has stopped taking citalopram suddenly....it is not a good idea! You need to take them longer than you have been taking them and intially you may feel worse.
What about fluoxetine? It is quite an effective anti depressant.
happyone

[sarah1984]

Hi hun, sorry to hear you're feeling so low.

What a patronising doc! I don't think this stopping and starting medications could be of any use to you-as Ellen says, you need to come off citalopram very slowly indeed. There are other medications you could try-sadly with these meds, it's often a suck em and see what happens process. Just because the ones you've tried haven't helped doesn't mean there isn't one that will. I think you should go to see another doc at the same practice and ask for an NHS CBT appointment-I know waiting lists are long, but explain your circumstances and that you can't afford to pay.

And as for the doc telling you to avoid this site...we may not be docs ourselves nor know everything about meds, but we can give wonderful support and share our personal experiences.

Take Care x

[LockedShut]

Thanks for your replies.
I had a CBT appointment thingy, they referred me to that Wimbledon Guild place, though failed to mention I'd have to pay for it.

I'm so stuck right now. So lonely. All I want to do is crawl back into bed or run the f**k away. I've taken a shower, and now I'm afraid to get dressed... I'll leave the house... I don't have anywhere to go. I'll wander. Maybe I should take a book with me...

God, it sucks being an only child. Don't ever inflict that on your kid, have at least two, that way when their dad's a drunk or their mum's avoiding them , or when their fiancé is spending time with his brother, they'll have someone else to turn to...


This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter

[Jimbo]

Hey Xo, :hugs:

Sorry things didn't work out for the CBT. How did you get referred to somewhere that you have to pay for? You should be able to get some sort of counselling / therapy on the NHS. Have you spoken to you GP about it? Sometimes you need to be a bit forceful with them to get them to refer you, they usually will contact your local mental health team who will get you in touch with the support you really need.

You might want to have a read of this thread, this is another person's experience:

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=18995

How's things going today?

Jim :hugs:

[LockedShut]

This is what happened... I got referred to the CBT thingy which was run by my local mental health service, which I think is an off-shoot of The Nelson Hospital, or something like that. They didn't explain I'd have to pay. The woman asked if I was working, to which I replied, no, of course not, I can't get out of bed in the morning... heeeellllooooo, depressed here... She said that I was to call the Wimbledon Guild for extensive councilling. She also said that they prefer if you can make some contribution, but it depends on how much you earn. I said I earn nothing, and she said they'd take that into consideration.

When I finally get the courage to ring (the first time) I get put on hold and then sent to voicemail so I left my name and number, what I was calling about.

Nothing.

I get the courage again and they say I have to pay. That they'll take my bank details right there and then give me another assessment appointment. I told the rather rude woman on the phone that I have nothing. She said, you don't work. No. You have no savings? No. On benefits? Nope, not any more. Then, rudely, how do you support yourself? I live with my parents... Oh, then they need to pay.

She then expected me to know and give her my mothers bank details right there on the phone. (Regardless the fact I know her bank details 'cause I'm 20 and a spoilt brat... she still shouldn't have asked.)

I've looked all over London for somewhere that gives free councilling. Nothing. I was told by that rude doctor I had that free councilling barely exists... so he gave me higher meds.

Any ideas what I should try next?

I'm having some very bad days of late. More depressed than I've been in a while. My fiancé is being wonderful as always, though I'm getting guilty about taking up so much of his time, bugging him with my depression. I'll admit right now that I don't really have any other friends. Not ones I can open up to... dating, falling for and getting engaged to your best friend is always tricky!

xo

[sarah1984]

Hi there!

Sorry to hear you're having such a rubbish time at the moment. I'm shocked they were so pushy about you paying up front over the phone. First of all, that puts me off, as it sounds as if they are out for your money first and foremost and secondly, it hardly sounds fair that they expect you to pay before you even set foot in the door.

Could you ask your mum to help pay for you to go somewhere for counselling? (and no, that's not you being a spoilt brat, if it helps you get better then she should put something towards it). Otherwise, the only free counselling I know of it being put on the NHS list for CBT but expect a minimum wait of six months.

There are excellent books on anxiety/depression and how to cure negative processes that aren't going to set you back that much. I'd recommend The Worry Cure by Robert Leahy and Feeling Good by David Burns.

[Jimbo]

Hey Xo,

I agree with sarah, they were no help at all from the sounds of it.

There are books and online courses of CBT you can do, which could help. Trouble with CBT is you need to put a lot of effort into it, it's not easy by any means and is a lot of work. When you are seeing someone they can offer you encouragement and go at your pace which helps compared to going it alone.

I would first try going back to the cmht and ask to see them again. Explain the situation and see what else they can offer. I'm sure they can do more than point you in the direction of a charity.

Jim:hugs:

[LockedShut]

I feel so stuck. I need to get out of this house, my parents house. I need money. I can't work because of the depression, because I can barely leave the house to go to Asda let alone get up for a job. I applied for very-part-time work at a charity shop. I practically got the job on the spot. I have an appointment Tuesday where they'll give me my hours.

And I. Can't. Do. It

I'm fretting, panicking, in tears worrying about it. The job is five minutes from my damn house, two or three bloody afternoons a week and I can't handle it. The pressure, what if I get sick or what if I pass-out... I can't use my own damn toilet when my fiancé is upstairs unless music or TV is blaring and he's got his fingers in his ears, under a duvet... so what if I need to go when I'm working?

I know this is all so damn pathetic but I'm stuck. I was going to work there, get income support, save up for a little holiday away from this f**king town, my f**king parents who can't decide whether to treat me like the 20-year-old I am, or the 6-year-old they greatly preferred.

I'm sick of being the least favourite child seeing as I'm the only damn child. I swear to god they like my fiancé and my old friends more than they like me. They say to my friends 'come over whenever you like, you're always welcome, help yourself to the fridge' but me? No. It's nagging and moaning if I ask for a fiver to get passport photos, or an extra quid just so I can buy a magazine, some chocolate.

They don't understand that I can't work. I can barely get out of bed for lunch.They got understand I'm a sad, sensitive lonely little girl who is slowly going out of her mind. I try to tell my mother (no point talking to dad - he's a drunk) and she nags me for nagging her. Tells me shes busy with work or studying for qualifications for work or doing chores.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm sure I'm driving my fiancé crazy with all this. I'm terrified that maybe I wasn't ready for a relationship and that I'm not mental f**king stable enough to be with someone as normal and wonderful as him. He's on his way over (it's 2:15am) because I'm crying and sad and confused and out of my mind. I shouldn't be doing this to him, I know that. I feel guilty that I'm like this, that he has to handle this, that I only go to him with this (honestly, I have no other friends).

What do I do?
What the hell am I supposed to do?


This post has been automatically edited by the NMP post filter

[red100]

Hi Locked shut

sorry to hear your feeling so bad.
I think part of your problems with Wimbledon Guild etc is that you have no income, (everyone has an income or they are rich ! is how any agency is going to view the situation.) If you can't work you need to get a sick note from your GP and claim Incapacity benefit (you'll get the same as Income support etc) this means you are officially on Benefits and Wimbledon Guild will then be able to charge you the correct rate (probably only a very small contribution - without benefits of some sort i doubt if they will be able to do this, remember no income really messes up everyones heads!)

you can check out the various sickness benefit rules here is you want to,
http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/index.htm
Basically no one of your age should be without an income, (unless you are very rich or a full time university student) you are either capable of work and entitled to JSA or not capable and entitled to income support or incapacity benefit. (getting incapacity benefit also means that the job centre don't expect you to look for work and you don't have to go and sign on)

I can't stress how much you need to get an income - no one is going to help you otherwise because everyone will assume you are rich and just trying to con a freebie - no one will make an exception because you are ill (trust me i work with homeless people and this is the bane of their lives!)

if you need any further help or advice with this i'm happy to give it, like i say its my job to help people sort this stuff out!!
good luck
Red100

[LockedShut]

I had a talk with my mum, something I find very hard to do. And she agreed that I do need therapy quite badly.

I'll go to my doctor this week, probably tomorrow. I need help, I know that. I just didn't think I could get incapacity benefits seeing as I'm 20. Didn't realise you could get it for being depressed either. What do I have to do to get on it?

Thanks for your help, Red
xo

[Jimbo]

Just give your local job centre a call, they will get you the forms sent out. Or opo down and collect them.

You should ask for both Incapacity Benefit forms and Income Support forms, if you don't get one you get the other.

They are not fun forms to fill out, more like a book really. :ohmy: But once done, all you need to do is send them in with a doctors certificate and you should be ok.

Jim