Worried about harming someone while drunk.

[UnhappyWorrier]

I went to a party on NYE. Alcohol was consumed, of course, and I got pretty drunk. However, I remained in control of my actions, didn't drink to the point of getting sick and pretty sure I didn't black out, because I remember the party pretty well, however I do not remember the 10 minute walk home.


I woke up with a hangover, but otherwise feeling quite alright, no injuries, no dirty clothes, even had my PJs on. Sadly, recently my OCD and anxiety has kicked in and I keep rethinking what if I did something bad on my way home, like hurt or even kill (!!!) someone. It got to the point when I was looking at crime news, but no incident happened where I was walking and the ones that did happen on that night were already solved and they found the people responsible.


My OCD presents itself not only in terms of checking/rechecking things and repeating patterns, but also in these kinds of imagined scenarios: I have created scenarios or false memories in my head of doing something bad/illegal. I know this scenario is illogical, I've never been in a violent confrontation, I got home fine and with no injuries, I'm not in any trouble now and any incidents would be reported and I'd be detained, not to mention as a drunken female walking down an empty street at early morning hours I'm the one who's at risk, not posing risk to others. But while rethinking all these facts and googling, I have made myself extremely anxious.


Can someone offer a side opinion whether this is just a silly intrusive thought? I feel like I have a logical voice in my head, but I can't bring it out.

[SLA]

It is just a string of intrusive thoughts. A load of "what ifs" that you feel the compulsion to check.

Both the thoughts, and the compulsion to check are a fabrication of your stressed subconsious mind.

The rational you, the logical voice you talk of knows that nothing happened. Put your trust in that voice, and take the power away from the subconsious. When you do that the thoughts subside.

I make it sound easy, but it does take practise and belief.

[Lucinda07]

You did not drive, but walked home.
In the morning you awoke in PJs & (except for a hangover!)in good shape.
The scary thoughts are just that, no substance.
The searching/checking just make things worse. Time to stop now as no harm has been done. All is well.

[UnhappyWorrier]

I think because I may have some fragments missing from my memory about the NYE party I can't accept that, therefore I'm stressing out. I went from wondering if I had vandalized something, to even thinking I somehow did heroin (absurd), my friend assured me that nothing crazy happened. But because I was alone for the walk home, with nobody to assure me, I'm scared that something happened. I even read a story about a guy who had killed his family while apparently blacked out and got seriously scared.

Thank you for replying. It's hard, but I'm at some points literally saying out loud STOP and NO whenever I start thinking about this.

[SLA]

I even read a story about a guy who had killed his family while apparently blacked out and got seriously scared.

It was a story like this from a work colleague that triggered a panic attack in me, and sent me on a huge downward spiral.

It never happens.

It's a worrying "thought", but that is all it is. Just a stupid thought.

Our memories are full of holes, and what we remember is rarely things as they exactly happened. So do not even strive for that level of "knowing" because it is unattainable.

All the evidence points to what you expect. Nothing happened.

[Phuzella]

Don't walk home alone and drunk ever again

[UnhappyWorrier]

Yeah, I wasn't worried at all about harming someone at first, only after thinking and reading stories I started to stress myself out. People may lose some inhibitions, but they don't turn into murderous psychopaths. If anything, in a drunken state you're less able to harm anyone because of impaired motor functions. There were millions of young people on NYE having too much to drink and not remembering a few things. I'm sure the were quite a few who even woke up in hospitals or jail. They're not worried about killing anyone. I'm not worried about several other times I was out partying, why this one? I must've flaired my anxiety somehow. I should be glad I made it home safe.

Funny thing is, this has actually calmed down my health anxiety. I live from one worry to the next.

---------- Post added at 19:04 ---------- Previous post was at 18:41 ----------


Don't walk home alone and drunk ever again
You're right, I usually take cabs or public transport, but the party happened about a 15 minute walk away from my house and I left at 8 am, so it wasn't nighttime either. I'm ****ed up, I don't worry about actual dangers like being mugged or raped, but about ridiculous stuff like turning into Jack The Ripper when drunk.

[UnhappyWorrier]

So I'm getting a bit better the more time passes since the party. But does someone have some advice on how to get my mind away from it completely? Some train of thought that calms the mind perhaps?

Also, why am I worried about this event particularly and not tons of other college parties I drank at and and walked home alone from? Can anxiety just become more prevalent totally randomly?