Am I suicidal?

[mismashful2]

It started a few weeks ago: My friend didn't ask me to attend to her NYE party and I felt really alone and isolated. I started to cry. A lot. For one moment I thought 'would I feel better if I were dead', and the thought FREAKED me out. Since then I keep thinking about it. Not that I want to die or that i feel worthless or something, just the word 'suicide'.

I'm mostly afraid that if I keep thinking about it, I'll eventually commit suicide. That if I keep being anxious that I'll do it. But I won't want to die, so I won't do it. It's just really weird.

[MyNameIsTerry]

It sounds like an intrusive thought. If so, it's rare for someone to act on them.

I would suggest reading about them so you understand how they work and what to do when they occur. The OCD board is mostly about them so it's worth a read what others are experiencing.

If you are feeling extremely low, it could be coupled with some depression and talking to your GP would be a good idea.

[mismashful2]

When I look up intrusive thougts it's more people hiding Knicks and stuff, because they're afraid they'll hurt themselves with those knives. But I'm like really afraid I'll commit suïcide if I keep on having these feelings. Everytime I think about it I get these huge rushes of anxiety.

[MyNameIsTerry]

They are a lot more diverse than that. Try this source:

https://www.ocduk.org/types-ocd

People have them about their relationships and whether they love their partners, heterosexual people worrying they are Homosexual despite never being attracted to the same sex and even vice versa, thoughts of harming yourself or others, mental illness fears typically like schizophrenia, sexual immoral themes, immoral thoughts about their religion, etc.

Obviously seeing your GP or talking to someone trained is a very good idea, especially if depressed, but it could be intrusive thoughts as opposed to something more.

[RosieBelle]

I know how you feel. When I first had severe anxiety I had a thought about suicide and it scared me so much that I fear getting those thoughts again. But like Terry said, they are just intrusive be thoughts. I've had anxiety and suicidal thoughts for 9 years and I'm still here, so they can be just intrusive thoughts. I know how scary it can be though.

[mismashful2]

It was better for a few weeks, but now it's back. My therapist says I'm not suicidal. And I don't think that I want to commit suicide. It's more like 'what if it ever gets so bad I want to commit suicide', as if I don't have control over myself

---------- Post added at 17:58 ---------- Previous post was at 16:07 ----------

I'm so scared, I don't know what to do

[RosieBelle]

Aww I know it's scary but it's just silly thoughts - intrusive thoughts that are not true so you don't have to listen to them. I know it's really hard, as I'm experiencing this at the moment too. But we gotta just accept that these thoughts are just thoughts and we don't need to pay attention to them.
I get exactly the same thought as you, but my support worker once told me that we CAN control our thoughts and control ourselves.
You're gonna be ok, as this will pass. Sending you :hugs:

[mismashful2]

I'm just so afraad, because I read that suicidal people are very anxious ��

[bottleblond]

In my experience, when you experience intrusive thoughts, it's much better to distract rather that get in to all the in's and out's of it. They are just what it says on the tin - 'thoughts'. Thoughts float in and out of our heads 24/7 and the odd few may not be rational but they will not harm you. You were hurt and upset at the time and as humans we tend to think everything is our own fault so what do we do?, we go in to self destruct mode thinking the world would be better off without me but that's just not the case.

Please try not to be so hard on yourself!. :hugs:

Lisa
xxx

[mismashful2]

In my experience, when you experience intrusive thoughts, it's much better to distract rather that get in to all the in's and out's of it. They are just what it says on the tin - 'thoughts'. Thoughts float in and out of our heads 24/7 and the odd few may not be rational but they will not harm you. You were hurt and upset at the time and as humans we tend to think everything is our own fault so what do we do?, we go in to self destruct mode thinking the world would be better off without me but that's just not the case.

Please try not to be so hard on yourself!. :hugs:

Lisa
xxx


Yeah I know, but I'm having finals at the moment, which last until mid February, so.. Not so much distraction over here :(

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm just so afraad, because I read that suicidal people are very anxious ��

Yes, that may be the case but it would be equivalent to someone on the HA board worrying they have cancer because cancer patients experience anxiety. It doesn't make it a symptom.

Anxiety is experienced by everyone whenin times of stress.

You are worrying that it could lead to what you fear but intrusive thoughts have no power to make something happen in the real world. And if they could change you, OCD sufferers would be a significant risk to public safety when you consist our themes. We aren't and no authority have any concerns.

[Fishmanpa]

I'm happy to read you're in therapy. This is a subject that is unique to each individual and there are no "norms". My daughter was where you're at. She's doing great now.

From my experience, it's when you refrain or quit from discussing it, that it becomes a very serious issue. I had a friend that took his life. He has spoken about it months prior and then nothing since. He even seemed better mentally and then.. BOOM... literally.

You're doing the right thing in discussing this and identifying the source of these negative intrusive thoughts. By doing so, you're eliminating the chance of acting on it. Again, good going by being in therapy. My daughter struggles/struggled with similar issues. I took her for a tattoo for her 21st B-Day. She got the "semi-colon" with butterfly wings on her inner left wrist to remind her to keep going no matter what. You keep going too ya hear?

Positive thoughts

[mismashful2]

The worst thing is the feeling of not trusting yourself. IF I DON'T WANT TO DO IT THAN WHY WOULD I DO IT.

[RosieBelle]

I know its a horrible feeling not being able to trust yourself, but as you've said - you don't actually want to do it, its just a silly intrusive thought that is not true, so you don't have to pay attention to it.
I find distraction helps, like watching your favetv show, going online, talking to friends, going out etc...
Also when you get these thoughts just try and accept them (I know it's difficult at first ) but tell yourself 'oh here's these silly thoughts again, just thoughts that I don't need to listen to as they are not true'. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. You can control your thoughts.
Well done for getting therapy too!