A turn for the worse...

[Lozzie]

Well I have been bottling things up over the past week just pretending everything is ok and putting a smile on my face. This is a technique I have mastered over the years.
Well I have split up with my boyfriend, apparently he doesn't want to be there for me because he can't see no improvement and he is fed up of the hassle I cause when we go out anywhere. He has never really understood my anxiety and my panic attacks. At one point he even said that I was just making it all up :weep:
Over the past few months since Christmas we have been splitting up and getting back together.
Even though we have split up this time I still live with him as I have nowhere else to go.
I am just feeling incredibly lonely. I was with him on and off for nearly 3 years.
Last night I was laying in my bed (the single in the spare room) all on my own staring into the darkness and I just cried and I couldn't sleep. Because for the past 3 years I have always had my boyfriend by my side and never felt lonely.
Now it has kind of hit me and I hate it.
Just the simple things like cuddling up to someone at night I miss it :weep:
I miss not having someone laying at my side and there for me to hug.
It probably sounds stupid.
Now I just feel like I am not able to beat this anxiety.
My boyfriend used to take me out and he drove us everywhere, now we are seperated Iv got to face the world on my own :weep: :weep:
Last night was the hardest for me because I felt soo down I shut myself in the bathroom for a few hours just crying and looking at the scissors tempted to start cutting again.
I used to self harm, I don't wanna go back there but the thoughts are coming back :weep:
I just feel so down and useless, I hate myself.

Laura xxx

[sarah1984]

Laura-so sorry to hear about your break-up. On the other hand, if your guy doesn't want to be there for you, he doesn't sound worth having and from your description, he seems incredibly selfish.

It can be daunting facing the world on your own and being independent, after having someone by your side, but just think, you need to overcome your anxiety, and if you can do it alone, you'll be much stronger than if you had someone there to act as an emotional prop. Could you go to your parents or a friend's?

I'm sorry I can't be more of a comfort, but please don't self-harm-it really isn't the answer.

Take Care x

[Magpie]

This is a rotten situation for you Laura, but having had similar issues myself I would say you might benefit from taking a step back from the situation and looking at it from a fresh point of view. It's easy for him to blame your anxiety for the problems in your relationship, he will know that you already view that as something that hampers your life and so he can escape any responsibility and not have to justify his feelings any further. Of course what this leads to is you feeling that the anxiety is making your life (and even you) a worthless mess. This is NOT true! The anxiety puts you at a disadvantage, but anyone who loves you would know that you're constantly fighting it and they would be proud of you and support you in that fight. Don't channel your anger and frustration about this breakup into self-harm, get angry at HIM instead for hiding behind this excuse that he can't handle your condition. Then get yourself down to your local housing office and declare yourself homeless, leave as soon as you can, sleep on the couches of friends or family if necessary but what ever you do, cut your ties with this coward as soon as possible. If he's sad enough to have to go about things this way, he doesn't deserve to have you around.

Keep up the fight, you're worth it!

Magpie
xxx

[soulsurfer]

Hey Laura
hope your feeling a bit better, sorry to hear about your boyfriend, im trying hard to get people to understand about my panic attacks, its well hard to get them to understand, sometimes where better off without people who dont understand as this can cause extra anxiety, try and think of it as a positive move, i know this sounds hard.
Take Care
philxx

[Lozzie]

First of all thankyou Sarah, Magpie and Phil for taking the time to read this and reply. I really appreciate it.

Sarah - Thankyou for your advice.

Could you go to your parents or a friend's?
I'm afraid I don't see my Father anymore due to his lies and the fact I don't trust him and I get on better with my mum when I don't live with her. Since moving out my relationship with my mother has vastly improved. When we live together we are so alike that we end up in constant rows and I don't want to go back to that as I don't think it will help my anxiety and will just make me feel more depressed.

Magpie - Thankyou for your kind words, I see your point about my boyfriend just blaming my anxiety for our relationship problems but it has obviously caused us problems. I know that it is hard for him to understand what I am going through because he has never suffered with anxiety nor has anyone he knows. I think it did put a strain on our relationship because at first he was supportive and helped me do alot of things I wouldn't of been able to on my own. It's just because I have been suffering with it for so long now that he is seeing no improvement. One week I can be fine and go out and stuff and another week I can be back to square one.
I do understand what your saying but I do also see how hard it must be for my boyfriend (ex).

Soulsurfer - Thankyou for replying.
I have found it extremely hard to get friends/relatives to understand what I am going through. I ended up losing alot of friends due to them not understanding and them thinking I was going "crazy". I can completly sympathise with you, it is hard to try and make people understand.
I am lucky I only have a handleful of friends now but one of them who is my closest friend now is very supportive. She helps me as much as she can. Unfortunatly I have asked her if I can stay with her but I can't.
It is a comfort to know that some people understand. Even if it is only a few people in your life.


Well today I am still finding it hard. I am ok during the day but it is the evening when my ex gets home that I dread. He hasn't been nasty to me or anything which I am quite suprised about and he said to me last night that I can stay here for aslong as I like (even though I can't pay rent)
I am seeing this as an act of kindness and until I can find somewhere else I shall stay here. It's not too bad being here because my ex works 6 days a week all day so I only see him in the evenings and all day on the 7th day. So it's not going to be too awkward.
I am still feeling down and finding it hard to sleep.
I'm finding it very hard to remain positive.
I don't like feeling lonely but I suppose it is something I have got to get used to.
I am fearing that my uni work is going to suffer. I am doing a course with the Open University so I work from home, which is ideal for me but I am worrying that because I am feeling down my coursework is going to suffer.
I just want to be the girl I used to be. The carefree girl who was able to go out any time any place anywhere and be OK. I don't think I will ever be that girl again:weep:
I just feel so low at the moment.
Thanks again for the replies I really appreciate it.

Laura xxxx

[hoppipolla]

you have no idea how much i can associate with what you are saying ._.

it can feel so miserable and lonely, i know that... just like i was saying in that PM i sent you, since my gf split with me a year and a half ago my life has just gone dooooooowwwwn. and now here i am sitting aaaaall by myself listening to blink 182 lol

but hang on ok? and i need to as well, life can be tough and i have left behind a carefree me too ._. i used to be so happy and bouncy and happy-go-lucky but times change and i KNOW i will get somewhere again and so will you :)

take your time doing things and like someone said in another thread - focus on what you do have :)

[Lozzie]

Thanks for the reply Hoppi :)

It is comforting just to know that someone knows exactly how you feel and understands.
I remember when I first started suffering with anxiety and I really thought I must be alone in this suffering because I'd never heard of anyone suffering from it and I had never heard of it before. I'm glad that I found this site because it has helped me alot just to know that there are loads of people who suffer similar or the same problems.

Ahh blink 182 it cant be all bad! lol

Thanks hun I will try and hang on in there although I am finding it hard already.
Laura xxx