Thoughts about something that DID happen

[mismashful2]

Yesterday night I was watching tv, and suddenly I remembered something from my childhood.

My friend and I (both females) played 'mommy and daddy', and I remember doing some sexual movement on her, like dry humping or something. We were both about 6-8 years old then.

I also remember her sometimes wanting to do something else and saying, well we'll play this for a little bit, and then we'll play your thing. I'll give you a toy if we do it!

And that sounds so ****ed up.. It did happen, so it's not something I fear might happen.

The thoughts that I have now are more like 'what if I can't live with that memory and finally decide to commit suicide?' (because I'm so afraid of death)

[Kuatir]

Children are curious and will test the water with these things. You don't need to beat yourself up about this.

[SLA]

My analysis:

You had a benign childhood memory that we all have variants of.

You had an intrusive thought blowing it all out of proportion.


The memory isn't an issue. The intrusive thoughts are, and they can be dealt with. However I must write about these every day, and I get tired, so I will just link to this article. (http://www.startinglifeagain.com/2016/09/3-steps-to-beating-intrusivenegative-thoughts/)

[mismashful2]

Yeah I know but I'm just afraid like: what if she didn't like it? Did I abuse her? She's still my friend so probably not but it just feels.. weird

[SLA]

I don't think you do "know".

You'll continue to worry if you don't change the way you think. If you want to worry, that's cool. I don't mind. :)

[mismashful2]

I don't think you do "know".

You'll continue to worry if you don't change the way you think. If you want to worry, that's cool. I don't mind. :)

I'm sorry if I sounded rude, I just wanted to say that I see a psychologist for OCD so I know that I have these thoughts, just didn't think these were also intrusive thoughts..

I'm having psychotherapy (talk-therapy) at the moment, but I feel it just doesn't help.. Always going back to my past.

Maybe I should ask for CBT instead.

[Dave1]

Hi M,

I get thoughts like that too. I believe the only value of feeling this guilt is to learn from the experience so you will be a better person in the future. Learn that lesson. When you've done that there's nothing more to be done. There's no longer any need to think about what happened. Next time you get the intrusive guilt, try not to get upset about it or have any thoughts or judgements about it whatsoever. The past is over, it's gone forever.

I used to see a psychotherapist. He said if you think something's 'best left forgotten' then it's worth analysing. I now believe he was wrong!

[GlassPinata]

These things are pretty normal. Nearly everyone does something like this as a child. I don't get what the big deal is.

[MyNameIsTerry]

These things are pretty normal. Nearly everyone does something like this as a child. I don't get what the big deal is.

It's the perception of what it could mean to the sufferer who is viewing it through fear.

All those threads about cancer are as equal to this one as none of them have cancer or even the symptoms, so it's skewed thinking.

I've had many strange fears since my relapse. They are all equally as valid and equally based not in fact.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Something that is important here is understanding what is considered normal. The NSPCC detail normal sexual development as a guide for parents and you will see they mention what you are asking about:

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/healthy-sexual-behaviour-children-young-people/

One of the problems here is that you are attempting to apply adult thinking to the situation and it's just biased. What matters is what is normal at the development age. The NSPCC say it's normal therefore it is fine.

The rest is skewed thinking from anxiety, typical Cognitive Distortions.

You are worrying about whether your sibling thinks they have been abused but don't you think it would have shown in how it damaged the relationship, or rather how it would have? Accept not only that it was normal, and accept the expert's views of this, but also add the proof that nothing came off it either in terms of relationship damage.

[mismashful2]

Things have gotten out of hand. I can't control the thoughts anymore. I went to my psychologist yesterday but hadn't had the chance to talk about it, because we talked about other therapy options.
I'm so lost, I'll keep thinking about this forever

[Dave1]

I'm so lost, I'll keep thinking about this forever

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. Occasionally, if I get bad prolonged anxiety I also feel it'll never end, but eventually it always does for one reason or another. I believe if you try to change your life for the better (reduce stress, increase security, increase enjoyment etc) then the anxiety will naturally reduce - like bad weather clearing up.

[Just A Person]

To the OP, I would suggest that most all people did some variation of the theme when they were kids. Curiosity, raging hormones, changing bodies....what a weird time! And yes, it begins before puberty.

So, please don't worry about punishing yourself over something virtually everyone does.

There are people in this world who have committed horrible acts and they have been forgiven and they have forgiven themselves and are moving forward. Why must you carry this burden?

If I were your judge I would say, "The only thing you are guilty of is being a normal human being. Go forth, live your life and have peace in your heart! Case closed!"

[Loloo]

This was so weird to read as when I was a kid, me and my friend did the same thing, but the difference is that I know that kids do like to experiment and that's all. Me and my friend have talked about that as we are adults and just laugh about it, take it a little bit easier on yourself! :hugs: