Mwa
12-01-17, 16:35
I have last week I have had my third relapse of clinical depression and anxiety within the last 2.5 years and been put on Citalopram 20mg again. My main problem was anxiety it started 5years ago about 3months into a new relationship I woke up in the middle of the night after spending a night out with my new partner with a panic attack, this lasted all night and continued throughout all of the next day. At the time I did not know what triggered it but I was going through a nasty separation from my previous partner so I put it down to that. Over the next numbers of weeks the anxiety was still there but in the background waiting silently to attack. My new partner had a very wide circle of friends and therefore had a good social life of which I was not included(not yet anyway) on Sundays my partner would set out the agenda for the week ahead i.e. I can see you on Tuesday but the rest of the week is full after that it would be Sunday, this triggered my anxiety big time and lasted until I saw her again, the anxiety would subside and increase when I left. I fought this hard as I did not want to become the needy boyfriend and constantly fought it. it also didn't help that she was going abroad for 3 holidays in the same year. I blamed myself for the anxiety not my partner and kept it well hid. As time on I became obsessive about the relationship analysing every text, time between texts and on and on. I knew it was my problem and my anxiety but I always thought that my partner must be in some way feeding it by her lack of enthusiasm to fit me into her 'schedule'.
Now the relationship is over I have come to realise that it was my lack of having a separate life from my partner caused my anxiety and I used my partner to fill the void of lonely nights and weekends. The relationship may be over but I am not going to make the same mistake twice. I am going to build a life for myself this insight has reduced my anxiety dramatically. I don't know if it will return time will tell. Although I blame my fear of being alone for the anxiety my partner did not show and any support and basically said it was my problem to fix. Looking back I personally believe there were red flags at the beginning of the relationship and that the anxiety was in some way telling me to run.
Now the relationship is over I have come to realise that it was my lack of having a separate life from my partner caused my anxiety and I used my partner to fill the void of lonely nights and weekends. The relationship may be over but I am not going to make the same mistake twice. I am going to build a life for myself this insight has reduced my anxiety dramatically. I don't know if it will return time will tell. Although I blame my fear of being alone for the anxiety my partner did not show and any support and basically said it was my problem to fix. Looking back I personally believe there were red flags at the beginning of the relationship and that the anxiety was in some way telling me to run.