View Full Version : I can't take a second more
I feel physically sick at how unhappy I feel. So sick. I feel I can't change it because I have no idea how to address it. I can only know and say to myself that I have played into everyone's lives done so much for people for their happiness and not mine but I can't say this to anyone without hurting their feelings. I can't do it anymore I'm permanently tense and waiting for the next request that will make me feel bad regardless of my response. I just want my own life and to not follow others and that's all I've done so how many times am I going to have to say no until they think I'm just rude or don't like them. This feeling is disgusting. Everyone does so well at life and doing what they want they just do their daily activities and I'll follow them doing that and I could never do the same I find that incredibly uncomfortable and people never really want to stay at mine for long so I have no option. I honestly feel dispairing and it makes me want to be completely on my own so I can go about my life with no fear of rejection or if upsetting someone or being manipulated etc it doesn't help that I feel quite a bit f anger like I already have a script in place of what might happen if I say something and it will make it worse and all my efforts wills be for nothing
Hi Elik,
Is "everyone" a generalisation? Or are you alluding to a particular person/people? Are they friends, family, other?
I have just spent the last 24 hours In a ridiculous state of illness and I know it's stress related. I threw up 6 times last night and my whole body is in severe tension. I can't get rid of this sheer anxiety because I am unable to express it because I haven't a clue how and it's making me ill. I honestly can't be close to someone, the expectation on that is too much for me and I have never been open on my side of things so I just traipse around after people because I hate how me being so chilled has caused people to not respect me as much as most people so I find it so stressful making sure people aren't bored or that I feel so in debt to them that I never let people in. Even though I used to enjoy it a lot I now feel incredibly uncomfortable living in my best friends shadow in her house like following her life's activities and going with the flow of her family because ive become even more closed off and can't keep up this facade all the time I just need to be on my own in these times and not feel terrible when everytime she asks me to come round or meet etc that I find myself tensing up and almost resenting her for it. I get super inner anger because I know no one would quite do what I do when I'm round others and they are all so chilled and it is lovely knowing they feel so comfortable that I'm like that but for me it's no longer enjoyable and how on earth am I meant to stress that
---------- Post added at 09:45 ---------- Previous post was at 09:35 ----------
I feel like I am going to resent people because I say yes when I want to say no because I feel bad and then I feel I'm a quiet version of myself in those situations which makes me feel bad in itself. It sounds silly but I am not comfortable unless I'm on my own or with my family. I can't ask or be honest with awkward things otherwise and it causes me so much stress
---------- Post added at 09:47 ---------- Previous post was at 09:45 ----------
And things that bother me like this I can't talk about , say it to the person and they get offended which I don't want say it someone else and they might think I'm being two faced or speaking badly of the person when I actually know it's my issue because I never speak out :(
To me it looks like you are trying to protect almost everyone's feelings. I say almost, because you are forgetting to protect your own feelings in the process.
Of course I don't know your whole story, and why you think you are so indebted to them, but maybe it's time to become a bit more selfish. I know, it's easier said than done, but something to keep in mind.
SurfingWaves
14-01-17, 23:53
what if you tell your friend you have strong anxiety recently and dont always feel on top form. Your friend may already feel something is 'off' and I bet she will be understanding and offer to help you, I don't like saying No to my friends but I do occasionally have to because when I dont feel like being somewhere I can get moody and it shows. People wont ditch you because you say No sometimes. Take the big step and start actually saying no!
I just can't seem to do the right thing I am so exhausted I can't tell you how ill I feel and I have no outlet. I can't handle the constant need for conversation and meeting up like any normal person - this is why I despise myself, I try and challenge it and I physically and mentally cannot it's all so wrong. Putting up a front is too much all the time and I feel id be super self indulgent enough to mope around people so I can't win. Even if that's ok with others it's not with me it leads to far more guilt. If people act kindly to me I feel even worse because all I strive for is to generate kindness and when I can't I hate on myself so hard. I don't want to be close to anyone I feel so vulnerable I feel sick so so so physically sick I'm so done with this. I'm expected of things that I can't maintain so I follow and try hard and fail at being happy and then come down on myself hard only to have another situation to deal with. I can't escape.
I'm sure I'm going to have a heart attack my stress levels are so high I can't sit still. My best friend just randomly text me saying I know you have your ups and downs and I will always be here for you and it's just spurred on what I said before - I don't want sympathy or pity I feel so corrupt and a complete burden I just feel guilt like what's made her say that I haven't said anything. I just want to die this is too much for me I'm much happier when I can show my best self and deal with my worst self on my own because I can't keep this facade up if I'm talking or with someone constantly and then the parts of me I despise come
Out and I want to scream that I haven't the control and the stress just shoots through my body
I cannot be close to people. It's s recipe for disaster. All I ever want is to please and make people happy but if I'm constantly in someone's company I can't maintain that with a brain like mine. People will never understand me quite like you'd get to know the 'normal' person so I don't see the point it just gives me more anxiety. I end up topping out on my happy vibes and then just falling flat and there's nothing I can do to carry on like I'm drained of resources and I need to escape and run away. I'm so scared of being vulnerable and rejected and having negative judgement and I only get that when I'm myself so I figure out on my happy face and deal with the rest on my own. There's an element of anger stuck within me because my efforts go nowhere and people don't see my true morals because I'm constantly having to sugar coat life because I'm outright scared of everything and I don't want to bring others down and I do not want anyone ever to use my illness against me which naturally they will so it's obvious I need to be on my own. If anyone is nice or supportive my back goes up like I'm undeserving but at the same time I never ask for help so why are they noticing anything...
---------- Post added at 13:30 ---------- Previous post was at 13:11 ----------
I also feel that the amount of times I follow and do things for people needs to stop but how do I stop that without it looking rude or I feel because of my anxiety I don't have a voice like if they've ever seen me flat then I owe them something and I have no choice
elik I have merged your threads. Hope you get some replies that you find helpful.
Elen
SurfingWaves
15-01-17, 21:06
It sounds like you don't WANT to please people, it's a compulsion to do so or you will feel bad. That can be sorted out with cognitive therapy and meditation/mindfulness. Dont be so defeated. You aren't in control of the way your mind thinks. none of us are really. But you can start training it with the right CBT and come out on top.
Take some action. Start saying No and then notice and accept the way your mind reacts.
Stop panicking about your emotions and how you think you are becoming ill with stress. Accept it all or you will carry on in an endless loop!
Honest question: What is it you need to hear in order to take a positive step forward in your recovery?
I've read your posts over the last several years and responded to several. They all carry a similar theme. I know you've been under the care of crisis teams etc. in reference to your mental illness. You're most definitely struggling and have been for a long time.
It appears to me that you use this medium as a way to just express your state of mind as opposed to seeking to take on advice. There's been some wonderful and insightful advice on many of your threads.
So again, honest question: What is it you need to hear in order to take a positive step forward in your recovery?
Positive thoughts
I can honestly say I take every bit of advice on board but it's longevity runs short. I feel I cannot even explain it on here, but I'm constantly clashing with such powerful feelings and thoughts that there is no fluency to anything and nothing ever happens naturally it's all a product of meticulous thinking. I know I live through my mind which is dangerous but I don't know any different so I feel I am erratic and constantly in flight from something which I don't value so I corden myself off because I don't need anyone else to see how messed up I am too. In regards to pleasing people, I genuinely do want to but it's got to a point where all my efforts are revoked and I'm constantly trying to go up on a downwards escalator because my anxiety makes it all so exhausting
Thank you for replying and your honesty. Your answer affirms my feelings and thoughts. I wish you peace, healing and as always...
Positive thoughts
There is a great book out there that I think you would greatly benefit from...
It's called "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel Smith.
You appear too dependant on these people. Is it fear of being alone? Rejected?
Why not try the Manuel Smith book or another on assertiveness. Perhaps you could explore some of these intense feelings with a therapist.
I'm not dependent on them I'm just dependent on making people happy and this anxiety lark makes it border line impossible because I'm trying so hard and people don't realise. The closer people get to me the more vulnerable I feel and my anxiety shows more and then I feel guilty and like I owe them so it's best having just good friends because I can help them and be fun because I don't have to perform 24/7 as much as I wish I could
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.