elik
16-01-17, 21:31
This all seems so unfair, I try so hard to get past this. So hard. Yet I never get anywhere. Anxiety takes me for a rollercoaster everyday and my behaviours and feelings get tangled and I get scared and then I try and be mindful and think of my values etc so I act on them but feel so uncomfortable because it's like I'm robotic and I'm saying what I should etc with no emotion because I'm just trying to pass moments with no regrets because every thought is a trick and I have to bite the bullet all day everyday and act up and sometimes I get so exhausted I want to shut down but I can't do that either because I don't want to be self righteous or ask anything or feel like a burden or be a hard character to work out. I'm a seriously screwed individual and even though I'd be miserable I'd rather be on my own because one thing I cannot do is let others down and I know if I act true to my feelings that's all I would be doing so instead I have to carry on, feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack any moment. When people call me out on something I feel like screaming and I feel like I can pre conceive what the future entails if I act one way or another so I'm trying to write my script because if I don't everything will hit the fan. My life has been in the same stand still position for so long because I cannot do anything without finding some disastrous outcome that may occur or that I'll upset someone. I wait on everyone to make decisions so that at least I know I can somewhat deal with my own sorrow and I definitely can't deal with theirs. I'm so uncomfortable with my best friend at the moment like I need to act a certain way. I don't want to be so close anymore because I can't, I have become so emotionally unavailable I cannot offer much but obviously this puts huge stress on me because I care for her and don't want to upset her but I just can't lie to myself - when I make a joke I'm like maybe I shouldn't be too funny incase I feel flat tomorrow and I look erratic or because I don't want her to want to see me like I almost want her to see me as boring so she gets away from me it's so bizarre. I am doing it for her sake - I can't offer anything and I am dying of exhaustion from trying to be as good as I can and I can't let her down and I'm a terrible friend because I can't be on the same form like everyone else can I can't be completely real especially when it's not me it's anxiety so I definitely won't allow it. If I was honest about how I feel I would depress the happiest of people so then my friendships are based on me sugar coating everything. Great.