Keep thinking about how I wish I were gone, help plz (tw: s-word)

[glasswater]

Hi, I just joined. Sorry for the brash introduction. (idk if I'm suppose to put TWs, so I put one just in case)

I've been having this problem for at least a year now. On and off, I just can't stop thinking about how I wish I was never born (when I should feel grateful for the life I have, I know) and then I think about how I'm going to have to kill myself someday. Like... out of necessity. I just keep thinking about it. I don't know if it's intrusive thoughts or what. Whenever it happens I just get so upset and all I can do is wait for it to pass. It's feels like being buried or drowning. Does anyone know what else I can do?

Sometimes I wish I was old and closer to death so I wouldn't have to deal with this. I know that's stupid to think though.

It seems to be triggered by news/worldly problems but sometimes it happens for no reason. I can't seem to avoid it. I don't know what to do.

It's so frustrating not being able to control your own thoughts. Thank you for reading this.

[mike83]

Do you have depression? Have you started any new meds in the last year or so? Sometimes anti depressants can cause suicidal feelings. Either way you might need to see a professional, like your G.P.

There's lots of books on intrusive thoughts you could read. The news is often negative and can trigger these type of thoughts if you are depressed. I get these thoughts too but it doesn't really affect me much.

Sorry I'm not much help.

[.Poppy.]

I suffer from depression and I know how you feel. The news doesn't get me down as much as the idea that I'm worthless and my life is hopeless and it won't ever get better. There are many times I wish I wasn't brought into the world or just have a nagging feeling that someday I'll be backed into a corner with no options and have to, um, "exit".

I think you're probably okay if you're not making plans or having serious feelings, but if you're not already getting help/support for you mental health it would be good to do so.

For me, these dark feelings come in waves - sometimes I feel great, other times not at all. I think that's kind of just the nature of the beast, unfortunately.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help, but I understand. :hugs:

[glasswater]

No you guys don't need to apologize, anything helps. Thanks for responding. I sorta felt like I just needed to say something, 'cause I can't say this kind of stuff to family or friends.

I haven't been diagnosed or gone to a doctor for this. I've known for a while that I need to... I guess I should do it ASAP. I don't know why I've been putting it off for so long but I guess that's normal? It's like I'm scared to ask for help... part of me is worried that there is nothing wrong with me or I have something that can't be treated.

And you're totally right Poppy, it comes and goes like the tide. I know I'll feel better soon, maybe even tomorrow and then I need to focus on getting to a doctor.

Thank you both. :)

[.Poppy.]

I don't know why I've been putting it off for so long but I guess that's normal? It's like I'm scared to ask for help... part of me is worried that there is nothing wrong with me or I have something that can't be treated.


I put off getting help for a long time, but I'm glad that I did.

When I feel good I also feel like there's nothing wrong with me, that I am fine and just overdramatic. Then the depression hits again and I remember. It's like when I'm doing good I forget how low I was.

Anxiety/depression is so, so common and worth asking for help. I don't think you'll regret it when you do.