W.I.F.T.S.
14-04-07, 14:04
I've always had GAD (without knowing it), which has probably caused my long-term depression and I had panic attacks as a kid whenever I did anything slightly 'risky', such as cable cars, heights or ferries. With those situations my fight or flight response would kick in and I'd have an urge to get out of the cable car or off the ferry. Obviously, not knowing what was wrong with me, I felt very scared and I was afraid of telling anyone in case they thought I was mad and locked me up. I just thought that I was a born coward and that I'd have to live within my limits.
There have, however, been quite a few situations where my nerves didn't bother me at all, where I thought that they would. For example, when I was a kid we went on an adventure weekend to the isle of man and no one wanted to be the first one to do abseiling, but I volunteered and bounced my way down as if I was in the SAS! I've also had jobs driving all over Britain and even to Amsterdam, which I have enjoyed.
I guess that when I do eventually manage to reduce my level of stress and anxiety to a more manageable level with applied relaxation such as yoga, going to the gym and meditation then the majority of the time I'll feel ok and I'll feel more inclined to go further and do more. I'm almost certain that the physical tension and the intrusive thoughts that I suffer are to do with stress and, as I relax, that they'll bother me less and less.
A concept that's coming to mean more and more to me is 'scanning', where you look for danger all the time. An ex-girlfriend of mine used to look for evidence of spiders and she'd scream if the wind blew the curtain because she'd be convinced that a spider had moved it! I've always know that I've worked myself up into feeling anxious and panicky, but I've not really understood why I've done it to myself. With me, I'll be walking or driving and I'll 'remind' myself of my place on the globe or the universe and cause myself to panic thinking of the earth beneath my feet.
There are plenty of 'facts of life' that I've been unable to get my head around, so I've tried to forget about them and suppress them, whereas I actually need to learn to accept them.
So, I think that phase one of my recovery needs to be to proactively relax, to try and make day to day activities easier. At the same time I need to challenge negative assumptions that I have such as "I'm a coward" or "I'm a waster" or "I'll never feel happy".
After that I need to try to expand my comfort zone little by little by doing more things that scare me. That's exactly what I did before my breakdown: I drove all over Britain and Ireland with my job, I drove to Amsterdam, I moved 200 miles away from home to live, I flew to Ibiza, I learned to drive...unfortunately, at the same time my confidence was also being eroded by first my dad and then a girlfriend.
I feel like, when I do get better, I've got a really strong foundation for getting better. I've got a really good job, I've got the opportunity to develop as a football coach too and to use that as a way of expanding my comfort zone and going further. I've got some great friends and the chance to do lots of exciting stuff with my voluntary work.
In the short term I'd love to feel comfortable enough to go locally around the North West with football and, if eventually, I felt confident to travel to Thailand or America like my dad has done or to go to the Dominican republic like my brother, then I'd be very, very happy.
There have, however, been quite a few situations where my nerves didn't bother me at all, where I thought that they would. For example, when I was a kid we went on an adventure weekend to the isle of man and no one wanted to be the first one to do abseiling, but I volunteered and bounced my way down as if I was in the SAS! I've also had jobs driving all over Britain and even to Amsterdam, which I have enjoyed.
I guess that when I do eventually manage to reduce my level of stress and anxiety to a more manageable level with applied relaxation such as yoga, going to the gym and meditation then the majority of the time I'll feel ok and I'll feel more inclined to go further and do more. I'm almost certain that the physical tension and the intrusive thoughts that I suffer are to do with stress and, as I relax, that they'll bother me less and less.
A concept that's coming to mean more and more to me is 'scanning', where you look for danger all the time. An ex-girlfriend of mine used to look for evidence of spiders and she'd scream if the wind blew the curtain because she'd be convinced that a spider had moved it! I've always know that I've worked myself up into feeling anxious and panicky, but I've not really understood why I've done it to myself. With me, I'll be walking or driving and I'll 'remind' myself of my place on the globe or the universe and cause myself to panic thinking of the earth beneath my feet.
There are plenty of 'facts of life' that I've been unable to get my head around, so I've tried to forget about them and suppress them, whereas I actually need to learn to accept them.
So, I think that phase one of my recovery needs to be to proactively relax, to try and make day to day activities easier. At the same time I need to challenge negative assumptions that I have such as "I'm a coward" or "I'm a waster" or "I'll never feel happy".
After that I need to try to expand my comfort zone little by little by doing more things that scare me. That's exactly what I did before my breakdown: I drove all over Britain and Ireland with my job, I drove to Amsterdam, I moved 200 miles away from home to live, I flew to Ibiza, I learned to drive...unfortunately, at the same time my confidence was also being eroded by first my dad and then a girlfriend.
I feel like, when I do get better, I've got a really strong foundation for getting better. I've got a really good job, I've got the opportunity to develop as a football coach too and to use that as a way of expanding my comfort zone and going further. I've got some great friends and the chance to do lots of exciting stuff with my voluntary work.
In the short term I'd love to feel comfortable enough to go locally around the North West with football and, if eventually, I felt confident to travel to Thailand or America like my dad has done or to go to the Dominican republic like my brother, then I'd be very, very happy.