Time for change

[badlands]

Hi, my name is Mark, i am 59yrs old, and have suffered from terrible intrusive thoughts and severe anxiety for 40 years. My illness started when my Father
died at the age of 47, I'm not sure if this was a trigger or not, and have not had
a single day since then that has not been blighted by anxiety, depression, of some description.

Over the years i have been prescribed various medications, which generally have not worked. Unknowingly i started to self medicate, mainly with alcohol but eventually class A drugs, i work in an industry where this type of behaviour is
common so to me was completely acceptable, the end result was the failure of 3 marriages , loss of my children , and complete financial failure. I reached rock bottom xmas 2011 and put myself into rehab , which stopped me abusing substances totally, and i have been free of alcohol and narcotics ever since.

Although i do not abuse substances it seems my anxiety and depression has got worse, i work in a very high profile industry and am under a lot of pressure to perform, i get very anxious before a job, and start to doubt i can do tasks that i have been doing very successfully for years, and if i do happen to make a mistake
at work, however minor it haunts me and i start to imagine all kinds of damaging
scenarios resulting from this mistake, and the greatest anxiety would be can i do that task that there was a problem with, when in reality i know i can, but am
consumed with fear of doing it again.
I hope this introduction gives an insight into where i am at the moment, and would welcome comments.

Mark.

[venusbluejeans]

Hiya badlands and welcome to NMP :welcome:

Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way :yesyes:

[DoraFlora]

Mark,

Congratulations on your sobriety and also on coming here to try and seek help!

I can't say for sure, but lots of people find their trigger was a major life event such as a death of someone they were close to, so I think it's very reasonable to surmise that your father's passing lead you down that path.

Lots of people find CBT helpful for intrusive thoughts. Is that something that has ever been offered to you or that you have explored?

It's hard of course when we come to this forum to try and present a snapshot of ourselves and our challenges. But those are the first thoughts that spring to mind as I read your post.

-Dora

[sunrise88]

Hi badlands,

First I would like to congratulate you for your sobriety :)!!!
Reading your experience about your father passing away, scary enough, I experienced the same thing about the anxiety and depression and work. The only thing is I didn't self medicate, but nor did I go seek help. I'm 28, my mom passed away 20 years ago, and my dad passed away 4 years ago. It was harder after my dad passed away. I now know and have accepted that I have a mood disorder, which I am going to be seeing my GP this week for, my husband tried telling me for a long time that I had it, but I didn't listen. I stopped trusting everyone.
At work, I tell myself you know how to do what you're doing you've been doing it for a while, you've gone to school and passed. I also hate making mistakes and worry about making them. Basically just reassuring myself and I find it helps. I find what also helps with me is yoga, or even stretching for 20-30 min in the morning.
Feel free to chat if you want.
Welcome to the family :)