hellosugar87
26-01-17, 13:29
Its my first time posting in here.....
I don't know why I'm posting, I just feel like I have no where else to go and I'm feeling so panicked today.
I have health anxiety which was triggered by the birth of my first child. My health anxiety focuses around me dying and leaving my child behind. (my mother died of cancer so I feel my fear comes from knowing what it feels like to be 'left behind)
I recently found out I am pregnant again and although my health anxiety had been mild and controlled beforehand and I am already finding it completely out of control and I'm falling down a slippery slope of constant panic and non functioning.
I obsess over every ache and pain like many do and always assume the worst. I have an absolutely massive fear of cancer for obvious reasons, but also of everything else- because I'm terrified that anything I might catch, even a cold, or a tiny cut on my hand might lead to sceptecimia, which will kill me. So I'm constantly on high alert, all day every day. Its so much worse now I am pregnant because I spend every day feeling sick, dizzy from low blood pressure ect ect...all things I know In my head are part and parcel of pregnancy but it instantly triggers my entire body into high alert. So I'm already feeling terrible...but now something has happened that's really tipped me over the edge of control and I'm just uncontrollably freaking out.
In all of this, I have managed really well to keep my health worries totally separate from my daughter. If she is ill, I am rational, I think clearly and I don't over worry at all, I don't constantly take her to the doctors for reassurance, I don't medicate her on the chance of a slightest sniffle...I'm like a completely different-NORMAL person when it comes to her.
That is until last week. she has a minor heart murmur which we get checked in hospital. No worries there. But the consultant noted whilst we were there that he was concerned at how unusually pale my daughter is. I joked and said yes, she is very pale like a ghost, we always say so. Not realising it meant anything other than it was her skin type. Well I received the referral letter this week which explained she would need blood tests to check CBC and iron for anemia because of concern for her colour and slight dark bags she has round her eyes.
I was curious so I looked up why this might be an issue on stupid google. Cue straight to panic as the first thing that came up was Leukeamia.
Now, she has always been a really healthy child, she gets colds from nursery but brushes them off without too much fuss. but I'm in complete panic that I might have missed something. She has complained on and off (not frequently but occasionally) over the past few weeks, of having a tummy ache. In the night a few times she has woken complaining of a sore bum. Being rational as I was, we put this down to it being threadworm- highly likely- she goes to nursery and sucks her thumb, easy to catch. We medicate and it seems to have improved.
However now I have learnt of the concern over her palour I'm wondering whether I might have got it all wrong and she really does have something more serious going on. This has left me absolutely terrified. I cant sleep, eat, I cannot stop thinking about all the possible outcomes.
I'm finding myself projecting the terrible habits I do to myself onto her- constantly checking her body for brusies...bleeding.....lymph nodes.....checking the bags under her eyes....asking her if shes tired....watching her closely when she plays to see if she looks tired..... its driving me insane and not only that, I am fully aware this is completely NOT healthy for her to see, I ve always done the best job I can to hide my mental health issues from her and I don't want this to affect her. I don't know what to do...her blood appointment isn't for a month.....I feel like I cannot function as a mother already a week in, I am scared to go to the docs because they know my history and I'm sure they will be worried in finding me starting to bring my daughter to the docs constantly for reassurance, even though that's what I'd do for myself.
As I said ....I'm not sure why I'm posting...partly for reassurance about leukaemia I guess, as I always look for reassurance...partly because although my husband is so supportive of my health issues, I do still feel like a completely crazy person when I try to explain my fears to someone. I feel like I need to let it out but have no where to do so.
I already reffered myself to the perinatal team as soon as I found out I was pregnant as I predicted this happening, I have an appointment with the depression and anxiety service in two weeks time. but at the moment, help and reassurance just all feels so far away!
Sorry its such a long ramble. Any advice or just a friendly ear would be great
xxxx
I don't know why I'm posting, I just feel like I have no where else to go and I'm feeling so panicked today.
I have health anxiety which was triggered by the birth of my first child. My health anxiety focuses around me dying and leaving my child behind. (my mother died of cancer so I feel my fear comes from knowing what it feels like to be 'left behind)
I recently found out I am pregnant again and although my health anxiety had been mild and controlled beforehand and I am already finding it completely out of control and I'm falling down a slippery slope of constant panic and non functioning.
I obsess over every ache and pain like many do and always assume the worst. I have an absolutely massive fear of cancer for obvious reasons, but also of everything else- because I'm terrified that anything I might catch, even a cold, or a tiny cut on my hand might lead to sceptecimia, which will kill me. So I'm constantly on high alert, all day every day. Its so much worse now I am pregnant because I spend every day feeling sick, dizzy from low blood pressure ect ect...all things I know In my head are part and parcel of pregnancy but it instantly triggers my entire body into high alert. So I'm already feeling terrible...but now something has happened that's really tipped me over the edge of control and I'm just uncontrollably freaking out.
In all of this, I have managed really well to keep my health worries totally separate from my daughter. If she is ill, I am rational, I think clearly and I don't over worry at all, I don't constantly take her to the doctors for reassurance, I don't medicate her on the chance of a slightest sniffle...I'm like a completely different-NORMAL person when it comes to her.
That is until last week. she has a minor heart murmur which we get checked in hospital. No worries there. But the consultant noted whilst we were there that he was concerned at how unusually pale my daughter is. I joked and said yes, she is very pale like a ghost, we always say so. Not realising it meant anything other than it was her skin type. Well I received the referral letter this week which explained she would need blood tests to check CBC and iron for anemia because of concern for her colour and slight dark bags she has round her eyes.
I was curious so I looked up why this might be an issue on stupid google. Cue straight to panic as the first thing that came up was Leukeamia.
Now, she has always been a really healthy child, she gets colds from nursery but brushes them off without too much fuss. but I'm in complete panic that I might have missed something. She has complained on and off (not frequently but occasionally) over the past few weeks, of having a tummy ache. In the night a few times she has woken complaining of a sore bum. Being rational as I was, we put this down to it being threadworm- highly likely- she goes to nursery and sucks her thumb, easy to catch. We medicate and it seems to have improved.
However now I have learnt of the concern over her palour I'm wondering whether I might have got it all wrong and she really does have something more serious going on. This has left me absolutely terrified. I cant sleep, eat, I cannot stop thinking about all the possible outcomes.
I'm finding myself projecting the terrible habits I do to myself onto her- constantly checking her body for brusies...bleeding.....lymph nodes.....checking the bags under her eyes....asking her if shes tired....watching her closely when she plays to see if she looks tired..... its driving me insane and not only that, I am fully aware this is completely NOT healthy for her to see, I ve always done the best job I can to hide my mental health issues from her and I don't want this to affect her. I don't know what to do...her blood appointment isn't for a month.....I feel like I cannot function as a mother already a week in, I am scared to go to the docs because they know my history and I'm sure they will be worried in finding me starting to bring my daughter to the docs constantly for reassurance, even though that's what I'd do for myself.
As I said ....I'm not sure why I'm posting...partly for reassurance about leukaemia I guess, as I always look for reassurance...partly because although my husband is so supportive of my health issues, I do still feel like a completely crazy person when I try to explain my fears to someone. I feel like I need to let it out but have no where to do so.
I already reffered myself to the perinatal team as soon as I found out I was pregnant as I predicted this happening, I have an appointment with the depression and anxiety service in two weeks time. but at the moment, help and reassurance just all feels so far away!
Sorry its such a long ramble. Any advice or just a friendly ear would be great
xxxx