View Full Version : Hand Spot Update
darkside4k
30-01-17, 01:57
So I posted on here before about a freckle looking spot on my palm. I went to the dermatologist and he thought it might be blood trapped under the skin or something but wasn't 100% sure. So he scraped at it to see if it would come off and it hurt a bit. Anyways once it healed some there was a black spot which came off like a scab.
However, I can still see some very faint brown. I'm not sure if it's blood from all the bleeding there the past few days but I'm really worried it's maybe some underlying melanoma.
This makes me really worried because I'll have to wait and see if the melanoma gets bigger and that gives this even more time to grow. It's hard to see right now with just my eyes. I have to shine a light on it with my phone.
Most of the original spot is totally gone it seems but I'm worried this is some residual cancer or maybe the true underlying cancer that made the original spot.
Catherine S
30-01-17, 02:02
Why not go to the doctor again darkside, because we can't give you a diagnosis for what this might be, as this is only a forum full of anxious people after all :scared15:
ISB
GlassPinata
30-01-17, 02:11
I think I posted on your other thread that my four-year-old had a nearly identical "hand spot" back in September (I've seen your picture of the spot; his looked pretty much like yours, but much blacker and scarier).
I jumped to the same conclusion you have, and booked an immediate appointment with a dermatologist.
The earliest the could see us was in four days, and during that time my son's "black spot" fell off in the bath tub. So we didn't go to the doctor after all. It was, as your doctor has suggested to you, a blood blister or some dried blood trapped under the skin.
After his fell off, there was still a little bit of brown there for another week or two. But eventually that went away also, and now there is nothing.
Malignant melanoma cannot be easily "scraped off"; I doubt a doctor would attempt it in his office, and if he did it would hurt more than "a little bit".
Obviously, he thinks it's dried blood under the skin, and that's what I think too.
If you are determined to pursue this, get him to actually remove and biopsy it next time.
But it really doesn't seem like anything alarming to me.
Maybe give it a couple of weeks and see if the brownness subsides.
If not, the most likely thing is that it's a new mole or freckle that just popped up. You can get them anywhere, even on your palms, and at any age. But if nothing will alleiviate your worry, then have it biopsied.
Best wishes.
Brandon...You're hanging onto this one like the ALS fear aren't you?. You're fine :)
Positive thoughts
GlassPinata
30-01-17, 02:46
You do realize, Darkside, that an individual who did not suffer from anxiety disorder would not be concerned about that spot, right?
I mean, they probably wouldn't notice it at all. And if they did, they would not register it, because it is so insignificant. If they did register it, they would think, "Oh, a new freckle. Or maybe it's always been there and I just never noticed."
Then they would forget it and never think of it again.
This is anxiety disorder making you think something is wrong. And I can sympathize and relate; I have it too.
But try to think and really imagine how a person without it would respond to that hand spot. Especially in light of the fact that you've already shown a doctor, and he didn't think it was anything to worry about. He scraped at it. Doctors do not run around scraping at melanoma, potential melanoma, or suspected melanoma. Doctors KNOW what melanoma looks like, and clearly the doctor didn't feel this was melanoma in any way, shape, or form.
Focus on the anxiety disorder and what you can do to treat or at least manage it. There is no reason to focus on the insignificant freckle/scab on your hand.
Best of luck.
darkside4k
30-01-17, 20:59
The more I think about it though the more it doesn't add up to it just being "blood under the skin"...
Mainly, why is there still a faint, light brown spot where the original spot was. If it was just blood under the skin that should be completely gone. It looks like it is already growing back or was never fully removed, only delaying proper treatment for the cancer. Also, there is no reason for me to even have dried blood under the skin. I had no injuries in that location.
so what does the doctor say? that's the important part here.
darkside4k
30-01-17, 22:03
I haven't seen him again yet. I doubt he will say anything about it tomorrow when I do see him to get some stitches out for a cyst I had removed.
It will probably be a "wait and see if it grows back" game.
darkside4k
31-01-17, 21:46
I saw the dermatologist again today to get the stitches out for an unrelated cyst.
He looked at my hand again to see how it was healing after he scraped at it. I said I could still see some light brown in that area. He said it looked like superficial "crusted over stuff" from scraping at it.
He said to come back if the spot doesn't go away... which of course sends me in a spiral of the anxious waiting game. Examining my hand every day to see if it looks any different, etc. :(
I saw the dermatologist again today to get the stitches out for an unrelated cyst.
He looked at my hand again to see how it was healing after he scraped at it. I said I could still see some light brown in that area. He said it looked like superficial "crusted over stuff" from scraping at it.
He said to come back if the spot doesn't go away... which of course sends me in a spiral of the anxious waiting game. Examining my hand every day to see if it looks any different, etc. :(
Comments such as "come back if.." Always set off HA people. But ya know reg peeps would say, "okay doc". And off they would go. You know docs don't make it a habit of sending people off on their way when they believe, at all, that things are awry. Your doc thinks it is nothing. He thought so when you came in the first time and again today. He added the "come back if" so you understand he is willing to look again. However he does not expect it.
I had a spot on my hand that was scaley and suspicious. I figured it was a precancer or one of the lesser cancers. Anyway, my primary froze it off in 2013. It grew back and my doc froze it off again in 2014. Then by 10/2015 at my annual physical, it had grown back. At this point I was referred to a derm. Last April (2016), the derm said it was probably a precancer or one of the lesser ones. She told me "third times a charm. I am going to freeze it off again. If it comes back again, THEN I will surgically remove it". She froze it off and off I went. I see her again in April for an annual skin check. So far it hasn't come back. BUT I am not worried over it. It isn't going to kill me. Just like the nothing that was scraped off of your hand. It is your mind that has it a melanoma. And that is it. AND as you, I and WE all know our minds turn all kinds of nothings into nightmares erroneously.
darkside4k
31-01-17, 23:36
Thanks for the feedback!
GlassPinata
01-02-17, 01:13
The more I think about it though ....
Exactly. Because you have Anxiety disorder.
Therefore, you should think about it less.
Try and distract yourself while the silly thing heals and falls off, or reabsorbs.
In two weeks, there will be nothing there, as long as you don't pick at it.
The question is, do you want to spend those two weeks enjoying life, or do you want to spend them planning your funeral? Either way, the two weeks will be gone, and you'll never get them back.
And either way, the hand spot will also be gone.
But there's always something else to worry about, isn't there?
That is the nature of this disorder.
darkside4k
01-02-17, 19:50
I hope that is all it is.
There is still a slightly darker area there today that he said looked superficial and was skin crusting over from the scraping he did.
Here is what it looks like: http://imgur.com/a/bVMjJ
You can see on the left side of the red area the slightly darker area that I'm concerned about. That's about where the original spot was. :/
Don't take this the wrong way and I do have a genuine reason for asking but how are the ALS symptoms atm?
darkside4k
03-02-17, 19:51
I haven't been having any ALS symptoms lately.
darkside4k
04-02-17, 19:28
I'd like to get some feedback on these pics of my hand now:
https://imgur.com/gallery/NyuFQ
I'm worried the spot is still under there somewhere. Or perhaps is just really small and the cells are still pushing deep into my skin. I think the first post on this thread has my original pics.
You still think you have melanoma? Your doctor doesn't but you do?
darkside4k
05-02-17, 01:40
Yes I am worried there is still melanoma present. Either smalll enough remaining that I can't see it or under the healing skin.
Sphincterclench
05-02-17, 16:59
I dont want to be "that guy" but I see the same thing Ive always seen, someone with severe anxiety that refuses to accept nothing is wrong.
Please get your anxiety treated, you deserve to feel better
I dont want to be "that guy" but I see the same thing Ive always seen, someone with severe anxiety that refuses to accept nothing is wrong.
Please get your anxiety treated, you deserve to feel better
EXACTLY
And, by the way, why would anyone's opinion here superseed what a doctor thought? Which, of course, is he does not think anything sinister is going on. He told you that.
PASchoolSyndrome
05-02-17, 18:25
Darkside, I'll voice my opinion as well. Please treat your anxiety. I did a dermatology rotation and while I'm not your doctor that isn't even a mole. It's healing skin.
Be well.
darkside4k
05-02-17, 18:43
I know it's healing skin, but look at the original pic: http://imgur.com/OOq5vzu
There was a dark spot until the dermatologist scraped at it. Honestly if I really shine a light on it and look hard I'm thinking there may still be a slightly dark spot under this healing skin.
Honestly, I just give up. I have accepted melanoma as my fate and I'm tired of battling it.
I know it's healing skin, but look at the original pic: http://imgur.com/OOq5vzu
There was a dark spot until the dermatologist scraped at it. Honestly if I really shine a light on it and look hard I'm thinking there may still be a slightly dark spot under this healing skin.
Honestly, I just give up. I have accepted melanoma as my fate and I'm tired of battling it.
Ok. I guess there is no more to say since you have accepted you have melanoma then.
What are the Next steps? What treatment plan are you devising to treat the melanoma?
Honestly, I just give up. I have accepted melanoma as my fate and I'm tired of battling it.
The reason I questioned you re your ALS symptoms is because you were equally convinced that you had that.
This is how HA works. Some people keep fearing the same thing in a never ending cycle. Others switch from one condition to another.
It is all the same thing and is scary and exhausting.
That is why people keep pushing you get help with your anxiety.
Some simple CBT techniques to check the validity of your fears could really help you.
PASchoolSyndrome
05-02-17, 19:02
I know it's healing skin, but look at the original pic: http://imgur.com/OOq5vzu
There was a dark spot until the dermatologist scraped at it. Honestly if I really shine a light on it and look hard I'm thinking there may still be a slightly dark spot under this healing skin.
Honestly, I just give up. I have accepted melanoma as my fate and I'm tired of battling it.
Yep, that's not even close to a mole either.
I really hope you get your anxiety under control. There is clearly nothing wrong and to hear you say that (I hope you are joking), is concerning. This is not the way to live life.
darkside4k
05-02-17, 22:49
Why is it not even close to a mole? What does it look like to you?
Sphincterclench
05-02-17, 23:20
it looks like you poked yourself, it scabbed over and is now healing.
think of all the energy and time you have wasted trying to make this something its clearly not.
Its rare that I have seen someone fight so hard to hold on to negative thoughts.
Im just some random dude on the internet, in order for you to move forward you need to convince someone with a whole lot more education than me that your wrong....
I wish you would cut yourself a brake and just let it go.
PASchoolSyndrome
06-02-17, 04:49
I apologize I don't even know how to put this but it's so not even a mole I could slap myself. Diagnosing over the internet is never okay because we are random people - but I've had medical training and suffer from personal health anxiety myself and I can promise you that's not a mole, let alone a malignant one. I am giving you all of my will power through the Internet to let this one go.
GlassPinata
06-02-17, 05:33
I second that emotion. ^ let it ALONE for 2 weeks, and it will be gone.
Just trust us and give it a try; what have you got to lose?
darkside4k
06-02-17, 23:02
I guess I don't understand how a brown spot on my hand under the skin is not a mole or a freckle. Even when I shine a light on the healing spot I can see a very, very tiny dark spot where I believe the melanoma is beginning to grow back. :(
Sphincterclench
06-02-17, 23:12
I dont understand how you can still be hung up on this.
Nothing anyone says or does will derail this train wreck and you will never accept anything except melanoma, So I will stop trying and instead convert that energy in to hope that you can find some peace and finally seek treatment for what is truly affecting you
Good luck to you and I hope you find peace
I've never heard of anyone getting melanoma on the palm of their hand. To me it looks like a tiny blood blister. Possibly you pinched it and a very small amount of blood is under the skin. Your mind is in a health anxiety loop and you need to find a way to stop. Easier said than done I know.
I guess I don't understand how a brown spot on my hand under the skin is not a mole or a freckle. Even when I shine a light on the healing spot I can see a very, very tiny dark spot where I believe the melanoma is beginning to grow back. :(
This shows a vast lack of understanding of how melanoma works. If you scratch a mole that is cancerous, it will bleed, it will seep and it will crust. It will return in a worst state than you left it.
Moles and freckles will always return to their original structure and size because there is a root system there. Unless the root is removed, which scraping won't do, then it'll return.
What you have is a perfectly normal patch of healing skin, and the fact you're seeing the original spot return tells me that you have nothing more than a run of the mill freckle.
Melanomas are typically larger than 6mm in diameter. What you have isn't even close. Melanomas don't heal, either, and what you have is clearly healing.
You don't have melanoma, you have a freckle which has been scratched off at the surface and is now healing exactly as it should.
GlassPinata
07-02-17, 01:36
I've never heard of anyone getting melanoma on the palm of their hand. To me it looks like a tiny blood blister. Possibly you pinched it and a very small amount of blood is under the skin. Your mind is in a health anxiety loop and you need to find a way to stop. Easier said than done I know.
There is in fact a rare type of melanoma, called Acral Lentiginous Melanoma, which only effects the palms of the hands and the soles of the feet (and under fingernail and toenails).
But it is VERY, very rare indeed.
You've probably never heard of it because it effects like one in a million people (or even less). It mainly effects people of color.
Bob Marley died of it, so it got some airplay in the media, and due to that many people have gotten worried about insignificant little spots on their hands or feet.
I would like to mention to the thread-starter (because I too was once obsessed with this) that this VERY RARE type of melanoma MOSTLY (like 85% of the time) effects the feet, not the hands. And when it does appear on the hands, 90% of the time it is on the fingers and/or under the nails.
A spot right in the middle of your palm would be the very RAREST presentation of this already incredibly rare cancer which mostly effects people of color (which judging by your pictures, you are not).
So do you see why some of us are simply not as convinced as you are that you have this disease??
Brandon,
You seriously don't need to worry about this or ALS or any other illness. Get help for you anxiety. You owe it to yourself, your girlfriend and you daughter.
Positive thoughts
Yes get help for the sake of all those people. Your ALS fears disappeared, as will your melanoma fears. But that will be followed by something else. That's how it works. I read a post of yours on another thread. You sounded really clever and logical. Do the clever and logical thing, book an appointment with a counsellor and start dealing with your anxiety.
"Come back if it doesn't go away" is basically a doctor's way of saying goodbye!
This shows a vast lack of understanding of how melanoma works. If you scratch a mole that is cancerous, it will bleed, it will seep and it will crust. It will return in a worst state than you left it.
Moles and freckles will always return to their original structure and size because there is a root system there. Unless the root is removed, which scraping won't do, then it'll return.
What you have is a perfectly normal patch of healing skin, and the fact you're seeing the original spot return tells me that you have nothing more than a run of the mill freckle.
Melanomas are typically larger than 6mm in diameter. What you have isn't even close. Melanomas don't heal, either, and what you have is clearly healing.
You don't have melanoma, you have a freckle which has been scratched off at the surface and is now healing exactly as it should.
I'm glad I read this as I scratched one the other day and it bled :-0 but looks 'normal' again so sure it's just because i was rubbing it.
Darkside my first thought when seeing your picture was dermatitis. The GP's know what they're talking about.
darkside4k
07-02-17, 15:27
The thing I don't understand is why is there still a very small brown area under the healing wound. That is the original melanoma. It is still present. Shouldn't it be gone now if i twas just "blood under the skin" that the dermatologist scraped off? I'm honestly in the most depressed state I've ever been over this. *All* I have done is delay treatment of this cancer.
PASchoolSyndrome
07-02-17, 15:34
This is something we cannot help you with at this point, unfortunately darkside.
I can't stress enough how that is 100 million percent not melanoma. I'm sorry you're going through this in your mind.
The thing I don't understand is why is there still a very small brown area under the healing wound. That is the original melanoma. It is still present. Shouldn't it be gone now if i twas just "blood under the skin" that the dermatologist scraped off? I'm honestly in the most depressed state I've ever been over this. *All* I have done is delay treatment of this cancer.
Are you actually reading anything we say here, or is it just more fun to ignore it and be utterly hysterical?
The thing I don't understand is why is there still a very small brown area under the healing wound. That is the original melanoma. It is still present. Shouldn't it be gone now if i twas just "blood under the skin" that the dermatologist scraped off? I'm honestly in the most depressed state I've ever been over this. *All* I have done is delay treatment of this cancer.
Didn't realize you had a medical degree. How long have you been practicing
darkside4k
07-02-17, 21:15
Sorry, I know I've probably been driving everyone crazy.
I wish my hand would just look normal again and wouldn't have a dark spot on it. It's been two weeks now :/ ... it seems like it should be healed and there should be no spot at all.
Sorry, I know I've probably been driving everyone crazy.
I wish my hand would just look normal again and wouldn't have a dark spot on it. It's been two weeks now :/ ... it seems like it should be healed and there should be no spot at all.
The only person you're driving crazy is yourself.
As I said, freckles WILL return after they're scratched off.
A melanoma would return worse than the condition that it was first in, there would be absolutely no healing skin because melanoma destroys the skin cells. They cannot heal.
This insignificant little mark is healing perfectly, it really is. It simply would not do that if it were any form of skin cancer. Please try to accept that.
darkside4k
09-02-17, 16:32
So I created this side-by-side photo of this small spot I had on my hand and what it looks like now after the dermatologist scraped at it 2 weeks ago:
http://i.imgur.com/M4JcNnR.png
What I am concerned about is I can still see a faint, faint brown area on the left side area of the healing skin. That's what I feel is the melanoma still there and penetrating deeper into my skin even though the top layer of it has been scraped off some and changed a bit.
Should I be concerned about this?
No, it is not a melanoma, it is healing skin that is almost fully healed at this point.
Seriously, let this go.
darkside4k
09-02-17, 19:14
I hope not. I wish my hand would just look normal again and all spots would be gone.
I hope not. I wish my hand would just look normal again and all spots would be gone.
Why? There is nothing wrong with your hand, the small insignificant blemish on your skin is a result of a perfectly natural freckle being scratched off by a dermatologist.
Over the next few weeks the scraping will heal entirely and you'll probably be left with the exact freckle that you had before. That's what is supposed to happen.
This is not a melanoma, please stop hoping so. It absolutely 100% is not any form of skin cancer.
I had a dark brown freckle appear on my palm. I went to the docs with the same fears as you. It was just a freckle. It's still there. It first appeared about Five years ago. It was nothing.
darkside4k
09-02-17, 20:29
My original spot was so irregular though. You can see in the picture it like has a little tail at the bottom and a lighter brown spot already developing near it. It was already spreading.
My original spot was so irregular though. You can see in the picture it like has a little tail at the bottom and a lighter brown spot already developing near it. It was already spreading.
You aren't getting this are you?
Everything said is either ignored or rejected off hand. You need to seek help with your anxiety, this has become ridiculous.
darkside4k
09-02-17, 23:20
I just struggle with it either way because A) if it was a new freckle / mole... then it was very irregular with even a little satellite lesion ... B) if it was simply blood under the skin, why is it still there?
I just struggle with it either way because A) if it was a new freckle / mole... then it was very irregular with even a little satellite lesion ... B) if it was simply blood under the skin, why is it still there?
So what do you want anyone here to say?
The question is do you think your doctor is an idiot? Do you think they're faking their qualifications in some way? Do you think they were asleep during the decade or so of gruelling medical training they had? Do you think they're criminally negligent? Do you think a couple of hours Googling makes you more of an expert than them? Don't you think a dermatologist, a trained expert in skin, would know something dodgy when they saw it a mile off?
Trust your doctor or stop wasting everyone's time.
darkside4k
10-02-17, 14:54
I don't think he is an idiot. I just think he mistook my spot for some blood under the skin when it was in fact a malignant melanoma.
I don't think he is an idiot. I just think he mistook my spot for some blood under the skin when it was in fact a malignant melanoma.
In essence, then, you think he's an idiot.
Well when I saw my doc about mine, she explained that I only need to be concerned if it was the size of the rubber end of a pencil, round and black. Other than that it was just a normal occurrence. I understand its unnerving when it happens on the palm side of your hand, but if your doc has reassured you its no concern, you really have to start learning to trust them, because if you cannot trust a professional, you cannot trust anyone, in which case asking for any form of reassurance from anyone is futile. Ive been there and done it. Believe me, acceptance and letting go is the only way of getting better. If you are aware of ongoing health concerned that have turned out to be false alarms and the result of fear, I would advise you to do two things. Firstly, get some help from a CBT therapist, and secondly, send more time researching Health ANxiety (Hypochondriasis) rather than symptoms/medical information and you will begin to re-trust your body. xx
PASchoolSyndrome
10-02-17, 16:03
I don't think he is an idiot. I just think he mistook my spot for some blood under the skin when it was in fact a malignant melanoma.
It's almost insulting because I can 100% tell you that it is in fact, NOT a malignant melanoma.
Moles and freckles are evaluated using A,B,C,D and E.
A - Asymmetry.
Is it symmetrical, as in are both sides the same? Yours isn't even big enough to judge.
B - Border.
Are the edges raised and irregular. Yours isn't raised and again is far too small to even judge if the border is regular.
C - Colour.
Is it dark brown, red or black. Does it have differing shades of these colours? Clearly yours doesn't.
D - Diameter.
Is it bigger than 6mm in diameter, the width of a pencil eraser? Again, yours is nowhere near that size.
E - Evolution.
Is it growing, crusting, bleeding and becoming raised. No, yours is healing exactly like a normal bit of damaged skin should.
What I've just written is how doctors decide what's risky and what isn't. As you can see, you meet none of these criterias. Not even close to a single one of them.
Please, for goodness sake, STOP thinking this is a melanoma.
darkside4k
10-02-17, 17:18
Why do you keep saying my brown spot was healing? It only looks like it does now because he scraped my hand until it bled everywhere... he could have removed some of the melanoma in that process and I'm left with a fainter, smaller brown spot now.
Why aren't you going back to your dermatologist with your concerns?
Why do you keep saying my brown spot was healing? It only looks like it does now because he scraped my hand until it bled everywhere... he could have removed some of the melanoma in that process and I'm left with a fainter, smaller brown spot now.
What a load of utter nonsense.
Just another member who wants to ignore posts, and get snarky with people who aren't waving their hands in hysteria.
Think what you want.
darkside4k
10-02-17, 20:30
Why aren't you going back to your dermatologist with your concerns?
I did go back to the dermatologist for a follow-up to a cyst I had removed and he looked at this spot on my hand again. He said to come back in a month if the little black spot wasn't gone.
I did go back to the dermatologist for a follow-up to a cyst I had removed and he looked at this spot on my hand again. He said to come back in a month if the little black spot wasn't gone.
Sure you did.
Sphincterclench
10-02-17, 20:56
I have no more time or energy to spend on someone who so clearly WANTS this to be melanoma.
I did go back to the dermatologist for a follow-up to a cyst I had removed and he looked at this spot on my hand again. He said to come back in a month if the little black spot wasn't gone.
Sounds like a good plan, tell him then that you want it removed completely and biopsied. That's the only way to get your answer... all else it futile.
...tell him then that you want it removed completely and biopsied.
You can't biopsy what's not there ;)
Positive thoughts
You can't biopsy what's not there ;)
Positive thoughts
Thought he's still seeing a dark spot?
Thought he's still seeing a dark spot?
I equate it to those that believe a node is "swollen" and want it biopsied when in reality the node isn't swollen and there's nothing to biopsy.
Positive thoughts
if you want to stop hyperfocusing (lol) on your spot then move on to your next terminal illness. That will solve the problem. Your ALS fears disappeared when you switched to Melanoma. My one request would be don't go with lymph nodes. It's been done to death here. :shades:
---------- Post added at 08:53 ---------- Previous post was at 08:46 ----------
I wonder if you'll answer this question this time when I ask it?
Are you receiving counselling?
I don't think he is an idiot. I just think he mistook my spot for some blood under the skin when it was in fact a malignant melanoma.
If you think a qualified skin expert can't recognise a melanoma you are saying he's an idiot.
---------- Post added at 23:36 ---------- Previous post was at 23:29 ----------
I realise I'm sounding harsh here, and I'm sorry for that... but you're arguing with a skin expert about a common skin problem. You need to trust expertise.
GlassPinata
11-02-17, 01:22
Your hand spot would be gone by now, if you'd stop messing with it. :lac:
PASchoolSyndrome
11-02-17, 05:44
I equate it to those that believe a node is "swollen" and want it biopsied when in reality the node isn't swollen and there's nothing to biopsy.
Positive thoughts
Guilty!!!!!
See that's why sometimes us HA sufferers need each others' tough love.
darkside4k
11-02-17, 18:10
Here's what doesn't make sense. The rest of my hand where he scraped is pink and healing. The spot where the original spot was is brown and maybe even black. Why? That is what is telling me there is something very sinister going on there. It obviously wasn't blood under the skin as he thought so he has already been wrong once.
Here's what doesn't make sense. The rest of my hand where he scraped is pink and healing. The spot where the original spot was is brown and maybe even black. Why? That is what is telling me there is something very sinister going on there. It obviously wasn't blood under the skin as he thought so he has already been wrong once.
I've told you at least 3 times it's a freckle. The fact that it is returning to its original form confirms this.
If you don't want to accept that, which seems to be the case, then stop asking.
Just let this go dude. You know nothing of melanoma, and you are not a dermatologist. Reading horror stories on the Internet has ruined you. If the Dermatologist thought it was melanoma you would be missing a chunk out of your hand. Melanoma doesn't present itself like a freckle, and dermatologists know more about it than you will ever. Trust your doctors and let this go. Put a bandaid on it or a sticker so you can't see it, or try to go one day and not look at it. LET IT GO DO THIS FOR YOURSELF.
GlassPinata
11-02-17, 18:53
Just let this go dude. You know nothing of melanoma, and you are not a dermatologist. Reading horror stories on the Internet has ruined you. If the Dermatologist thought it was melanoma you would be missing a chunk out of your hand. Melanoma doesn't present itself like a freckle, and dermatologists know more about it than you will ever. Trust your doctors and let this go. Put a bandaid on it or a sticker so you can't see it, or try to go one day and not look at it. LET IT GO DO THIS FOR YOURSELF.
Exactly.
The doctor may not KNOW exactly what it is.... but he does know what it's NOT.
Trust his years and years of medical expertise.
A dermatologist recognizes melanoma.
He KNOWS that various ways that skin cancer can present.
That's what he went to medical school for, what he specialized in.
If you don't trust your particular doctor, then I suppose you'll need to get a second opinion.
But YOUR opinion- not being a doctor- doesn't count.
You have a disorder where your brain catastrophizes everything.
Obviously your brain is going to tell you that a tiny discolored dot on your palm is skin cancer; that's what this disorder DOES to you.
You are in no way qualified to diagnose yourself, with melanoma or anything else.
Trust qualified medical opinions.
I don't know what else to say on this matter.
Best wishes.
I have big black moles over half an inch in diameter that the skin doctors aren't worried about and therefore wont remove, i wish i only had to worry about a little spot like yours.
A reminder posts accusing people of trolling or asking for member to be banned will be deleted
Sphincterclench
11-02-17, 20:33
was not aware of the mention of trolling rule, noted
darkside4k
11-02-17, 20:54
Definitely not a troll. I wish I could stop worrying about this and I know if it turns out to be nothing I'll owe everyone a big apology for being so focused on it :/
Why oh why does there have to be a black spot there still. Saying it is a freckle coming back scares me even more because in the original pic you can clearly see it is irregular and had a satellite lesion.
Brandon,
As has been mentioned here as well as on AZ many, many times and in your threads that went on for pages and pages, you owe it to your girlfriend and little girl to get help for your anxiety or whatever it is that's driving you to post and fixate on these totally irrational thoughts. A diagnosis of ALS (which you didn't have) or some form of terminal cancer most certainly can take your life and leave your family without you. What you're failing to realize is that this fear of ALS and now a freckle, is taking your life away in the here and now. You're spending so much time posting and worrying that you can't possibly give your family your best much less allow yourself to live your life to the fullest.
The other thing to consider is how this is blinding you to all that respond. It happened before and the same thing is happening again. Just keep that in mind as you're getting the same frustrated accusational responses you've received concerning your ALS threads here and on AZ. The total lack of acknowledgement can be perceived as disrespectful.
Whatever your motivation is, it might be worth some introspection in what you're trying to achieve.
Good luck and as always
Positive thoughts
Darkside, I had a very black spot come up on the top of my hand a few years ago. Completely freaked me out, I was positive it was melanoma.. couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, put myself on a cancellation list at the dermatologist..
I was shaking when I was there.. she looked.. looked.. asked if I ever had skin cancer before, I quickly said - NO!
She said it had to come off.. numbed it.. sliced straight off, then said "ohh that's deep.. and went in with like a melon scooper to get to the bottom of it"
OMG I thought FOR SURE I was in big trouble. What else would pop up on the top of my hand and be solid black?
She was kind, said "I'm not real worried about it"
Then said "you don't want to hear from me"
OMG OMG OMG .... WHY did she say that???
I literally shook day and night for the next 2 weeks. I couldn't settle down until I knew for sure so I called, it was benign.
I was p.o.s.i.t.i.v.e. - and it was benign.
Can you call and talk to your Dr? Just be honest and say I can't get this thing off my mind, can you help me?
You truly need to start therapy, or if you have you need to exercise the tools that are given to you. You are obsessed with this. It reminds me of treasures island the black spot not making fun just saying. You have to learn how to not obsess over things, and learn to let them go. Learn that all of these obsessive ideas and thoughts are just what they are thoughts and ideas. You are making them come to life and causing fear and panic. These ideas are as real as you growing 6 inches in height over night. You control your mind, and you can let this go just as easy as you've latched onto it
darkside4k
11-02-17, 23:07
I really hope I can get over this. Really sorry to have bothered everyone about it so much. Tired of examining my hand 100 times a day. :(
Hey, I thought I'd show you a spot I have on my hand. It's very similar to yours. Mine popped up one day out of the blue. No idea where it came from. I've had it a few years now. We gain blemishes on our skin throughout our lives.
Even if it was a mole (it's not a mole, I have plenty of those too!) there would be nothing wrong with that. It's totally normal to have marks on your skin :)
darkside4k
12-02-17, 04:14
Thanks for showing me. The thing that really scares me about mine is it already had that satellite lesion.
I just want to know what's going on. I want to move past this and either get my treatment for cancer or move on with my life. It's just terrible to have been in this spot for a month.
darkside4k
14-02-17, 19:55
Here is a comparison shot of how it is looking today:
http://i.imgur.com/W2hleI3.png
I am still pretty worried about this. The area of darkness is still where the old lesion was. It seems to have gotten darker in the last week or so in that area. Is this the wound healing or is the original lesion growing back?
I really fear this is melanoma. It is literally making me more depressed than I have ever been because treatment has now been delayed for over a month because of this scraping and waiting on it to "heal" thing. It's unbearable. I can't function at all.
Here is a comparison shot of how it is looking today:
http://i.imgur.com/W2hleI3.png
I am still pretty worried about this. The area of darkness is still where the old lesion was. It seems to have gotten darker in the last week or so in that area. Is this the wound healing or is the original lesion growing back?
I really fear this is melanoma. It is literally making me more depressed than I have ever been because treatment has now been delayed for over a month because of this scraping and waiting on it to "heal" thing. It's unbearable. I can't function at all.
My body has little brown marks like that in many places. It really isn't anything to worry about.
Go back to your dr and make him cut it out.
You're obsessed with this. You're not going to let it go until it's gone.. so go get it cut out.
darkside4k
14-02-17, 22:23
Do you think it is melanoma?
Catherine S
14-02-17, 22:42
Nobody here is qualified to tell you this. Either go privately directly to a cancer specialist or tell your doctor you want a referral to one. But please stop pressuring people who have mental health problems about this, that's not cool. You've had over 90 replies about this and we're no further on, so why not lay off people here and just go and do something about this yourself?
ISB
Do you think it is melanoma?
No. I think you are obsessed with this spot and you will not rest or have peace of mind until it's gone.
I was in a bad way years ago over a lipoma on my ribs.. told my Dr I wanted it out or it was going to drive me insane. She took it out.. waved it in front of my face and said .. See, it's fat.. it's even yellow just like fat.
Sent it to the lab and guess what it was .. a LIPOMA.
Catherine S
14-02-17, 22:59
Nancy, everybody on this thread is being ignored so my advice would be to stop trying to reassure darkside now, because these replies are keeping him going with this, and as I said in previous reply, we should now let him go and see a cancer specialist about this because it's obvious that he's not being 'reassured' by anybody on this forum.
ISB
Same amount of attention he got on AZ.
Just looked at the photos... it was tiny!! In my opinion anxiety likes something to focus on, and it seems a spot is ideal for that. I think that's got something to do with why I find spots scary.
Catherine S
15-02-17, 00:27
As I keep saying, nothing anybody says here is having any effect. So again, my advice is for Brandon to go and see a cancer specialist.
ISB
darkside4k
15-02-17, 00:45
If it's a freckle why is it so irregular? Why did the dermatologist think it was blood under the skin? That means he was wrong once already.
Catherine S
15-02-17, 01:10
darkside, just go and see a cancer specialist and stop arguing and challenging everyone who is trying to help you. You're refusing to take anybody's comments on board, so why keep on about it? Just save your own, and everyone else's energy posting about this and just go and see an specialist.
Perhaps people should stop posting on this thread now, and let darkside sort this out for himself, because any reference made about this hand spot is just serving no purpose and is only keeping this obsession going.
ISB
Sorry to burst your bubble, but this is stroud. I don't know who this darkside guy is.
Catherine S
15-02-17, 01:42
Oh, so sorry if I got that wrong Brendan, I will now edit my posts and remove any reference to your AZ username on this thread.
ISB
Oh, so sorry if I got that wrong Brendan, I will now edit my posts and remove any reference to your AZ username on this thread.
ISB
Thank you. I'm glad to say I'm over the als fears.
Catherine S
15-02-17, 01:58
I wasn't aware i'd asked that question.
ISB
I wasn't aware i'd asked that question.
ISB
You didn't. Just wanted to throw that out there.
Catherine S
15-02-17, 02:20
Yes I'm sure you did. But let's not hijack darkside's thread.
As for me, I'm leaving it there.
ISB
Thank you. I'm glad to say I'm over the als fears.
Are you also over pretending to be a military veteran? :roflmao:
darkside4k
15-02-17, 03:58
I really can't keep going on like this. It's to the point where I have no enjoyment of anything anymore because I'm constantly worrying about and examining my hand.
Does anyone have any serious thoughts on what this could be or what could be going on. Again, here is a picture comparing the original spot to what it looks like today after the doctor scraped at it:
http://imgur.com/W2hleI3
I don't know what to think. I literally am in the darkest hole of depression I've ever been in since my health anxiety started. Every day I have to look at this spot of cancer penetrating deeper into my body.
Are you also over pretending to be a military veteran? :roflmao:
I'm not proud of that at all... I really don't know what I was thinking I was in such a spiral. Darkside I don't think you have to worry about skin cancer, but see a dermatologist if that will help ease your mind.
lol the infamous Stroud.
Darkside I think it is what Gary said ages ago, a freckle.
The thing I don't understand is how you think anyone here would have more knowledge than the specialist you saw. You keep asking people what they think. You won't accept the word of a dermatologist who has had the luxury of being able to examine you in person. How on earth are you going to believe what a bunch of faceless people on an anxiety forum say? Are you serious or are you just playing games? I don't get it.
lol the infamous Stroud.
So curious... who are you Stroud?
So curious... who are you Stroud?
A United States military veteran who died several years ago.
lol the infamous Stroud.
Darkside I think it is what Gary said ages ago, a freckle.
The thing I don't understand is how you think anyone here would have more knowledge than the specialist you saw. You keep asking people what they think. You won't accept the word of a dermatologist who has had the luxury of being able to examine you in person. How on earth are you going to believe what a bunch of faceless people on an anxiety forum say? Are you serious or are you just playing games? I don't get it.
Exactly I never get people who look at these two groups as possible avenues of reassurance:
1. Medical experts
2. Random internet strangers
...and pick number 2.
Exactly I never get people who look at these two groups as possible avenues of reassurance:
1. Medical experts
2. Random internet strangers
...and pick number 2.
3. Dr. Google
... and pick #2 and #3
It's interesting... In the time I've been on the boards, I've seen a rather unique pattern to HA sufferers. First off, in many cases the sheer irrationality of the fear itself is mind boggling! I've come to believe that despite the anxiety and fear, deep down the sufferer knows just how irrational it is. A medical professional will dismiss the fear yet the sufferer, in an effort to validate and not admit to themselves that the fear is totally irrational (which deep down they know and I believe is part of the root of the illness itself), will pursue other methods to validate the fear i.e. Dr. Google and posting for reassurance. Then, as I've mentioned on another thread, when fellow sufferers are affirming the irrationality, the sufferer almost argues in self defense with "What if" and "But I read" etc. It's almost as if they want the very disease itself to validate the irrational thoughts. In fact, I recall a member actually saying "You'll be sorry when I'm diagnosed"... Of course it never happened.
Positive thoughts
3. Dr. Google
... and pick #2 and #3
It's interesting... In the time I've been on the boards, I've seen a rather unique pattern to HA sufferers. First off, in many cases the sheer irrationality of the fear itself is mind boggling! I've come to believe that despite the anxiety and fear, deep down the sufferer knows just how irrational it is. A medical professional will dismiss the fear yet the sufferer, in an effort to validate and not admit to themselves that the fear is totally irrational (which deep down they know and I believe is part of the root of the illness itself), will pursue other methods to validate the fear i.e. Dr. Google and posting for reassurance. Then, as I've mentioned on another thread, when fellow sufferers are affirming the irrationality, the sufferer almost argues in self defense with "What if" and "But I read" etc. It's almost as if they want the very disease itself to validate the irrational thoughts. In fact, I recall a member actually saying "You'll be sorry when I'm diagnosed"... Of course it never happened.
Positive thoughts
All good points. I know I am lucky that even in my worst HA bouts I retain trust that doctors know what they're talking about, and allow myself relief when they tell me everything's OK (which is the point - miraculously! - symptoms tend to start disappearing).
darkside4k
15-02-17, 17:32
I think my problem is the doctor doesn't "know" in this case... he said he "thought" it looked like some dried blood under the skin.
PASchoolSyndrome
15-02-17, 18:51
But he KNOWS it's not melanoma.
I think my problem is the doctor doesn't "know" in this case... he said he "thought" it looked like some dried blood under the skin.
If a dermatologist doesn't know a melanoma when he sees one he must have bought his diploma for $100 off the Internet!
Come on. You know this is irrational.
Well I'm no doctor but it looks like a tiny mole or a freckle as others have suggested. I have something very similar on the sole of my foot and will admit Melanoma crossed my mind when I first noticed it (due to googling no less), however my GP took a quick look and told me it's not Melanoma and I believed him and moved on. I know it's hard but you have to trust the professionals, if you truly believe it's Melanoma why not pay for a biopsy, nothing anybody says will reassure you.
At the end of the day a dermatologist has had a look and said it's not Melanoma, I've worried about Melanoma 3 times now and each time my GP has said no. I trust him, because they know what they're talking about.
I hope you manage to overcome this fear.
darkside4k
15-02-17, 22:07
Well I'm no doctor but it looks like a tiny mole or a freckle as others have suggested. I have something very similar on the sole of my foot and will admit Melanoma crossed my mind when I first noticed it (due to googling no less), however my GP took a quick look and told me it's not Melanoma and I believed him and moved on. I know it's hard but you have to trust the professionals, if you truly believe it's Melanoma why not pay for a biopsy, nothing anybody says will reassure you.
At the end of the day a dermatologist has had a look and said it's not Melanoma, I've worried about Melanoma 3 times now and each time my GP has said no. I trust him, because they know what they're talking about.
I hope you manage to overcome this fear.
Did you spot have a lighter area next to it though? That is what is really concerning me. It already had a satellite lesion.
You need to see another dermatologist if you need a second opinion, not keep asking Internet randoms.
Did you spot have a lighter area next to it though? That is what is really concerning me. It already had a satellite lesion.
I posted mine a few pages back and if you look reeeeally reeeeally close you can see a satellite lesion... or at least something that looks like one! It's still just a freckle though
JuliaSugarbaker
16-02-17, 00:18
I have two spots on my hands that look exactly like yours, actually probably bigger. They're just freckles, seriously. My dermatologist said they are just common spots.
Get out of this holen you're in. There is no way this is melanoma.
What you're all failing to realize is that no amount of reassurance will quell the repeated doubting replies/posts. I know the pattern and have seen it before here and elsewhere.
This is one of those situations that will draw pages and pages of responses as it has done before and it will amount to nothing I'm afraid. Hopefully the OP will realize the reality and truth. Just like it wasn't ALS, it's not melanoma or any other sinister figment of imagination.
Positive thoughts
darkside4k
16-02-17, 01:04
I hope it's not. I can't even really work anymore. All I do is examine my hand all day. It's seriously depressing. I don't know if I'll ever get out of this hole and dread chemotherapy for this.
I'm pretty sure they don't do chemo for a freckle...
darkside4k
16-02-17, 23:28
The spot continues to look worse today:
https://imgur.com/gallery/WNhNu
I really at this point have no options but to conclude this is cancer.
The spot continues to look worse today:
https://imgur.com/gallery/WNhNu
I really at this point have no options but to conclude this is cancer.
OMG REALLY? that is what you have yourself all in a twist about?
Sorry but you really, REALLY need to drop this. This is truly a ridiculous thing to worry over. I mean I know you won't drop it but you REALLY should. It is just beyond any reason.
I've had the exact same thing. It changed over some course of time and has since disappeared.
OMG REALLY? that is what you have yourself all in a twist about?
Sorry but you really, REALLY need to drop this. This is truly a ridiculous thing to worry over. I mean I know you won't drop it but you REALLY should. It is just beyond any reason.
And, Well, crud, I wish I had read your whole post before. I only looked at the picture that you have surmised is your doom and missed your 'conclusion'. As I said several pages earlier in this thread, if you are so convinced, have so thoroughly dx'd yourself with cancer, then by all means have your doctor start your cancer treatments..... Tell your doctor that you know more than him and just get going with what needs to be done.. I mean if I knew more than my doctor, that is what I would damn well do. It is my life after all.
roseanxiety
17-02-17, 00:27
Were you on Anxiety Zone? Your posts sound familiar to someone over there who was obsessed with ALS? I think over a hundred people have told you you don't have melanoma and you didn't have ALS. You DO have a bad case of health anxiety which I can understand but THAT'S what you need to treat and then your melanoma fears and ALS fears will go away. Please get some help.
I've seen the new pic. Is this thread a wind-up?
darkside4k
17-02-17, 03:17
No it is not a troll, seriously.
I genuinely don't understand why every one thinks it's not possibly melanoma. I mean, it is possible. I don't understand how everyone is so confident. :( ... I want to believe you all.
You need to focus more on controlling your anxiety. Ignore your hand wear a glove or a puppet if you have to. Stop looking at it and focus on your life. Buy a ps4 and some games , or some books or something. You should seriously consider counseling it really helps with anxiety, and also consider medication if you're not already on it . I'm not trying to be rude I'm truly trying to help. Ignore the spot ! Tell yourself this and do so. It's the only way to get over this . No matter what a doctor tells you , If you are constantly looking measuring and taking selfies of that spot you will always be anxious. It's sucks but it's how this anxiety thing works. Ignorance is bliss and out of sight out of mind. Sometimes it's best to say f it .
This is the first time I've opened one of your images on here - that's what it looks like at its worst?! Seriously it wouldn't even enter my mind that that could be something alarming.
This isn't a thread about melanomas, this is a thread about mental health. Get some help.
darkside4k
17-02-17, 14:51
Yes, I am very concerned about it. Look at the rest of the healing wound - it's pink and almost gone... now look at the lesion, its dark and becoming more obvious honestly. My pictures from a couple weeks ago looked better. It's getting worse. That is NOT normal.
I feel 90% confident this is melanoma and my only hope is that is still "in situ".
https://imgur.com/gallery/WNhNu
Yes, I am very concerned about it. Look at the rest of the healing wound - it's pink and almost gone... now look at the lesion, its dark and becoming more obvious honestly. My pictures from a couple weeks ago looked better. It's getting worse. That is NOT normal.
I feel 90% confident this is melanoma and my only hope is that is still "in situ".
https://imgur.com/gallery/WNhNu
How are you qualified to say something's 90% a melanoma? Seriously?
There's is literally nothing more anyone can say on here now to reassure you the tiny little pinprick you've posted isn't something dangerous. If you're worked up to this degree see a second doctor for a second opinion. If you still think you know better than two experts, time to seek professional help about your obsession here.
darkside4k
17-02-17, 15:06
I am going to make another dermatologist appointment next week if there is no improvement, though I am very frustrated by the medical malpractice for not removing an obviously cancerous lesion the first time around and instead prolonging cancer treatment.
I have a family. I have kids. This is *very* serious and is not normal. I honestly do not see how *anyone* can look at the original spot and say it looks like a normal freckle. Look at the irregularity. Look at the satellite lesion:
http://imgur.com/a/KszCO
I am going to make another dermatologist appointment next week if there is no improvement, though I am very frustrated by the medical malpractice for not removing an obviously cancerous lesion the first time around and instead prolonging cancer treatment.
Overdramatic much?
Anxiety's such a weird thing, in many ways it makes us feel worthless and be very hard on ourselves, but also gives us the kind of insulting grandiosity where we think a few hours Googling makes us experts in something that takes many years of hard study to even be able to start to talk about with any authority.
You're essentially calling your poor doctor an incompetent, borderline criminal because your anxious mind won't let you tell yourself something blindingly obvious - a man whose professional job it is to look at skin knows a melanoma a mile off, whereas someone overanxious who's read a few websites doesn't.
Go and get a second opinion. But I doubt you'll listen to them either, and you'll have two medical professionals to start slandering while you continue making plans for your own demise.
You owe it to your wife and kids (and not least of all yourself) to get out of this spiral and seek help for your anxiety.
darkside4k
17-02-17, 15:53
Are you looking at the original picture? http://imgur.com/a/KszCO
No one here is a doctor but that being said, not one person, despite posting picture after picture, agrees with you.... not one. This on top of a trained dermatologist dismissal of anything sinister.
Nothing anyone is saying will help you so go ahead and get a second opinion and get help for your anxiety. You owe it to your girlfriend and child.
Positive thoughts
Are you looking at the original picture? http://imgur.com/a/KszCO
A blurry phone photo of an indistinct mark on your hand isn't going to persuade me you have a melanoma. I have no idea what a "satellite lesion" looks like (just like you don't).
Saying "I've been to see a dermatologist and they say it's nothing to worry about" is the kind of thing that persuades me!
---------- Post added at 16:23 ---------- Previous post was at 16:09 ----------
No it is not a troll, seriously.
I genuinely don't understand why every one thinks it's not possibly melanoma. I mean, it is possible. I don't understand how everyone is so confident. :( ... I want to believe you all.
I just read this post.
You know that's not how burden of proof works right? You're making a claim that (based on indistinct photos of a tiny mark and knowledge a medical professional says everything's OK) is very unlikely. It's your job to persuade other people, which you haven't done, not our job to remove for you any tiny possible minuscule possibility, which we can't possibly do.
Why ask our opinion in the first place if you recognise we can't possibly know for definite the answer? That's what dermatologists are there for...
Why aren't you going back to the Dr?
darkside4k
17-02-17, 22:59
If it continues to get worse I guess I will go back and demand it be removed. I haven't scheduled an appointment yet because I feel somewhat embarrassed to show him again this soon after seeing him once.
He said to come back if it wasn't gone after a month so he must be a little concerned. Next week will make one month and it isn't gone, so his fears are probably confirmed and I assume he will want to remove it then.
I just hope my kids don't have to see me suffer. :(
I just hope my kids don't have to see me suffer. :(
Your daughter and gf didn't see you suffer from your ALS diagnosis. They won't see you suffer from your melanoma diagnosis. However, they do see you suffering from anxiety and that's far more traumatic and damaging.
Positive thoughts
darkside4k
17-02-17, 23:32
This is a real thing on my hand.
I wish I could just cut my hand off honestly. That would be better than dying of melanoma in a hospital bed.
roseanxiety
18-02-17, 00:56
I. Can't. Believe. This. Thread. Stroud, Stroud, just stop. You are seriously sick with health anxiety and you are wasting everyone's time with this. Go. See. A. Mental. Health. Professional. Do you understand that? You will never get better if you don't.
darkside4k
18-02-17, 01:04
I am not stroud. I'm sure any admin could confirm that via IP address.
Everyone saying it's a freckle honestly makes me even more concerned because the doctor didn't think it looked like one. Meaning it just be an atypical mole / cancer.
roseanxiety
18-02-17, 01:09
How can we get an admin to confirm that? They won't because of privacy issues. Anyway, I wish you well and hope you don't have melanoma.
darkside4k
18-02-17, 01:35
Has anyone else ever gotten a NEW freckle or mole on the palm of their hand?
[QUOTE=darkside4k;1648970]I am going to make another dermatologist appointment next week if there is no improvement
So why wait until next week if your so convinced it's a melanoma?
So why didn't you go weeks ago if your so convinced it's a melanoma?
So why would you wait for an improvement if your so convinced it's a melanoma?
I am not stroud. I'm sure any admin could confirm that via IP address.
One can overcome IP blocking and identification. Stroud was able to join the ALS site under several (http://www.alsforums.com/forum/do-i-have-als-als/28825-i-m-so-scared-i-have-als.html) names and IP addresses (http://www.alsforums.com/forum/do-i-have-als-als/30075-before-banning-me-please-read.html) after they repeatedly banned him.
Regardless, I still believe that nothing anyone can say will dissuade you from your fears of ALS and melanoma nor any other disease you latch onto. Seek help for your real illness for the sake of your daughter and girlfriend.
Positive thoughts
Has anyone else ever gotten a NEW freckle or mole on the palm of their hand?
For crying out loud book yourself that second opinion. Coming back on here to keep asking us is becoming even less logical by the second. All you're doing is waiting for one person to say "I think it's melanoma" to justify your fear as genuine so you don't have to take responsibility for addressing your own irrational anxiety, which no-one is going to do while you post terrible phone snaps of tiny indistinct marks to a forum of laypeople, while reassuring us experts aren't concerned.
Time to stop fuelling this one.
Has anyone else ever gotten a NEW freckle or mole on the palm of their hand?
I posted mine a few pages back.
Sphincterclench
18-02-17, 17:21
Originally Posted by darkside4k: I just hope my kids don't have to see me suffer. :(
I promise if your acting any where near irrationally IRL as you are on here, they are seeing it, and its effecting them negatively.
I have a spot like that http://imgur.com/0WUnsUS that just appeared one day.
There is nothing wrong with it nor with the big one next to it, i have a mole HA too and get my skin checked every few months to calm it, never had to have anything cut out.
My doctor told me "When you are out at the shops or in public look at other peoples skin, you will see alot of moles alot worse than your own being displayed, its statistically impossible for all those people to have skin cancer,
so why would you?"
Interesting. You know it is melanoma. I have suggested getting it treated a couple of times on this thread. Yet, you ignore those suggestion too. You just go on and on about how it is melanoma and look at this spot etc. I mean a person so sure of a diagnosis would not possbily waste time on an anxiety forum. The person would just get the cancer treated. Interesting... Very interesting. Or is it, I wonder, since you are just going on on this forum means, really, that you know it is anxiety mucking with you.
Either way I wish you well
darkside4k
19-02-17, 16:16
I am going to get it treated it very soon. I plan to make the appointment this week. There is no doubt in my mind it is melanoma at this point because there is no other option for what it could be. It looks nothing like my other moles. It is clearly not "blood under the skin". That leaves melanoma.
---------- Post added at 10:16 ---------- Previous post was at 10:15 ----------
I have a spot like that http://imgur.com/0WUnsUS that just appeared one day.
There is nothing wrong with it nor with the big one next to it, i have a mole HA too and get my skin checked every few months to calm it, never had to have anything cut out.
My doctor told me "When you are out at the shops or in public look at other peoples skin, you will see alot of moles alot worse than your own being displayed, its statistically impossible for all those people to have skin cancer,
so why would you?"
Where is your spot located?
I am going to get it treated it very soon. I plan to make the appointment this week. There is no doubt in my mind it is melanoma at this point because there is no other option for what it could be. It looks nothing like my other moles. It is clearly not "blood under the skin". That leaves melanoma.
---------- Post added at 10:16 ---------- Previous post was at 10:15 ----------
Where is your spot located?
Excellent then you will nip your melanoma in the butt very soon. I can't believe you ended up with an incompetent Dermatolgist that just thought it was nothing. How do you know so much more than him about melanomas?? Was this the first time you saw him or Are you an established patient?
Good luck and be well
darkside4k
19-02-17, 21:31
All I've done today is sit and cry about having melanoma. I can't look at my hands without constantly being reminded of it. I constantly see the spot... eating my life away. Taking me away from my kids. Consuming my body.
GlassPinata
19-02-17, 21:34
Darkside! I PROMISE YOU, you don't have bloddy melanoma, okay?? Everyone is trying to tell you that, including your doctor!
Will you LISTEN??
There is NO reason for you to put yourself through this hell. Will you please just stop??
All will be well.
:hugs:
All I've done today is sit and cry about having melanoma. I can't look at my hands without constantly being reminded of it. I constantly see the spot... eating my life away. Taking me away from my kids. Consuming my body.
That is a very sad way to spend the day.
My husband took our 3rd child back to school in Ohio. It is an 11hr round trip. Unfun. I did it on Friday bringing her home. I took our 2nd child back to his college today. Luckily it is just short of 3hr round trip. My son and I had wonderful conversation. Which I love. Our 4th kid had to work so I dropped her off. My eldest has a seizure disorder and, unfortunately, she had several today. the first one in the bath this morning. I hate it when that happens. I am glad her neuro appointment is tomorrow. W've had a couple appointment changes. I am going to have to have tete a tete with the doc tomorrow. Try and see what we can do to lessen her seizures...In a few minutes I am picking up our 5th child's friend and then our family is meeting my husband at Outback for dinner. So other than my daughter having a few seizures. It was a decent day. It was great having all our kids at home this weekend. We have 6 :). Tomorrow is back to work.
I hope your tomorrow is a bit better
Ok... you're convinced you have melanoma...
Being a cancer survivor, "When" you get you diagnosis, here what you need to do:
Get a 2nd opinion at a CCC (Certified Cancer Center). Closest to you and highest rated would be Vanderbilt. You can look up CCC's here. (http://health.usnews.com/best-hospitals)
Make sure you have all your records transferred. Ask for a consult. The cancer will be reviewed by a tumor board and a host of specialists will advise their best course of action. I did this when I was diagnosed with Stage IV Head and Neck Cancer. Johns Hopkins was the best hospital for H&N cancer and I got treatment there. The fact I'm posting proves their expertise.
Once you have a plan of action, just do what they tell you to do. Trust them as CCC's are the best place to be for cancer treatment.
Keep us in the loop and let us know what the doctors say. I'm sure you caught this early and a healing path will get you through it.
Cancer is not a death sentence these days. I'm sure you'll be all right :)
Positive thoughts
Where is your spot located?
On the left side of my waist, i have similar spots on my fingers and the top of my feet, i could show you but i doubt it would help if you're this convinced.
I have a big melanoma anxiety, (infact its why i joined) and im not triggered in the slightest at your spot, i would swap my moles for yours any day.
darkside4k
20-02-17, 17:10
Want to make another dermatologist appointment but so scared. Scared they'll laugh at me and humiliate me, but also scared that this thing growing on my hand is cancer. :( ...
I'm so terrified and depressed. I haven't gotten any work done in weeks. :(
Scared they'll laugh at me and humiliate me(
Well that doesn't really sound like a doctor does it?
And if you truly believe you have melanoma isn't it worth the risk of minor embarrassment any way? Your story doesn't fully add up here.
Stop wallowing in this, hurry up and get your second opinion and start treating your anxiety.
Your story doesn't fully add up here.
Stop wallowing in this
Amen !!
Sphincterclench
20-02-17, 19:47
Want to make another dermatologist appointment but so scared. Scared they'll laugh at me and humiliate me, but also scared that this thing growing on my hand is cancer. :((
your perfectly willing, even insisting, that you have cancer to a group of people who cant stop responding and giving you the attention you so clearly crave but 1 more trip to the Derm is too much.
it wouldnt matter anyways because unless he tells you that you do in fact have terminal cancer you wont believe it anyways.
The appointment you should be making is to a mental health professional and get on some medications, therapy or both.
The fact that we as a group are still entertaining you and feeding the attention monster suggests we too need a check up from the neck up.:shrug:
Want to make another dermatologist appointment but so scared. Scared they'll laugh at me and humiliate me, but also scared that this thing growing on my hand is cancer. :( ...
I'm so terrified and depressed. I haven't gotten any work done in weeks. :(
Any time I felt I (or my kids) had something serious going on, I never felt embarrassed about seeing a doctor or even a second one. Why would I? I have 6 kids and there have been times I have questioned doctors. Never embarrassed by such things... Now when I knew, deep down, that my anxious mind was chasing unicorns, I felt as you describe above----fearful the doctor would laugh or question why would I not accept another doctor's opinion. Perhaps this is something you should really consider......
As I see it, you can accept the derm you saw has skills, see that your anxious mind is lying to you and forget about the nothing on your hand OR. You can continue wallowing in this fear, looking for endless reassurance that your mind won't accept anyway... Your choice. In both cases you will live.. One will just be living miserably.
GlassPinata
20-02-17, 21:29
Any time I felt I (or my kids) had something serious going on, I never felt embarrassed about seeing a doctor or even a second one. Why would I? I have 6 kids and there have been times I have questioned doctors. Never embarrassed by such things... Now when I knew, deep down, that my anxious mind was chasing unicorns, I felt as you describe above----fearful the doctor would laugh or question why would I not accept another doctor's opinion. Perhaps this is something you should really consider......
As I see it, you can accept the derm you saw has skills, see that your anxious mind is lying to you and forget about the nothing on your hand OR. You can continue wallowing in this fear, looking for endless reassurance that your mind won't accept anyway... Your choice. In both cases you will live.. One will just be living miserably.
I'm a mom too, and that is EXACTLY how I am.
No matter how "real" my fears or anxieties seem, something inside me knows what's real and what's not. I've never felt awkward or embarrassed about pursuing answers when i knew something was really wrong with me or my kids.
Times I have felt embarrassed about seeing doctors or specialists, it's because somewhere deep-down, i knew that I was going overboard with unrealistic worry about something that was not real.
darkside4k
20-02-17, 23:18
On one hand the spot is small but it *is* there and it *is* a dark spot that has not gone away in 1.5 months now. :( ... That leads me to believe it can be nothing else other than melanoma. I feel like I'm being negligent to my family to not have this potential cancer removed. I feel 90% sure it is cancer - seriously.
GlassPinata
20-02-17, 23:23
On one hand the spot is small but it *is* there and it *is* a dark spot that has not gone away in 1.5 months now. :( ... That leads me to believe it can be nothing else other than melanoma. I feel like I'm being negligent to my family to not have this potential cancer removed. I feel 90% sure it is cancer - seriously.
Well then go to another dermatologist and demand to have it biopsied.
If they refuse, ask them to explain to you the reasons why this would not be a reasonable precaution in your case.
What else can you do?
On one hand the spot is small but it *is* there and it *is* a dark spot that has not gone away in 1.5 months now. :( ... That leads me to believe it can be nothing else other than melanoma. I feel like I'm being negligent to my family to not have this potential cancer removed. I feel 90% sure it is cancer - seriously.
Then quit posting about how sure you are, etc and go and find another dermatologist. What else can you say about it here? What else can we say? I mean if I were so sure I had cancer, I sure as hell wouldn't be trying to convince a bunch of random people online. I would suck it up and make the appointment.
GlassPinata
21-02-17, 01:36
You've got more self-control than i do; I would've taken a needle and dug the stupid thing out myself by now (not suggesting you should do this, just that it's probably what I would do).
What if it's, like.... a splinter?
I've had splinters that persisted for years. I am particularly thinking of a tiny splinter of glass I got in my foot once, and it literally hurt for years. But it was entirely beneath the skin, and I could not seem to get it out.
Anyway, maybe it's something like that.
As i and others have said, go back to the doctor if you can't live with this.
Then move on, and seek help with the anxiety.
best.
darkside4k
21-02-17, 03:02
If it was a splinter I feel pretty certain the dermatologist would have gotten it out. He dug at my hand hard and I was bleeding pretty good.
He didn't think it was a splinter. :/ ... I wish it was that simple.
bottleblond
21-02-17, 21:54
Dark
Sorry, Just caught up with your thread for the first time and WOW!!.
Dermatologists are skin EXPERTS. Do you honestly think if there was the slightest doubt in their mind, they wouldn't have taken immediate action?. A Melanoma is a very distinctive thing and your dermatologist would have removed it and sent it straight to the lab for further testing.
Your hand looks perfectly normal to me, In fact it's no different to mine.
You have seen a doctor, a dermatologist, you have had 18 pages on a threads worth of people assuring you that you have perfectly normal skin and you STILL doubt this.
I seriously think you need to address your HA issues because other than "god" who I don't believe in, there is no one else you will listen to. Sorry but you know the saying "You have to be cruel to be kind" sometimes and this is one of those times.
Lisa
darkside4k
22-02-17, 02:17
I made another dermatologist appointment for Tuesday. The spot has gotten darker just in the past few days. I feel certain it is melanoma.
GlassPinata
22-02-17, 02:57
I made another dermatologist appointment for Tuesday. The spot has gotten darker just in the past few days. I feel certain it is melanoma.
Yes. I think we've got that.
Good luck.
I made another dermatologist appointment for Tuesday. The spot has gotten darker just in the past few days. I feel certain it is melanoma.
1 week from today. What time is your apt?
I was 100% positive mine was melanoma, at that point the only way out was the pathology report.
Once the pathology report comes in, it will be treatment for cancer OR, more likely, your mind will move onto to the next disease fear that you are 90% sure you have.
Good luck and be well.
darkside4k
27-02-17, 17:36
Tomorrow is my appointment to get this spot looked at. The spot has gotten slightly darker - has not faded at all. I feel 99% sure this is melanoma. At the very least the doctor originally misdiagnosed me since the spot he scraped off grew back very quickly. It was clearly not dried blood.
My only hope is the spot is still only about 1mm in diameter however since treatment has been delayed a month because of the scraping it has had more time to penetrate deeper into my body at this point. :(
I feel certain I will soon be receiving news I have invasive cancer and must begin chemo immediately. I will waste away in front of my children while they look on in horror.
I hope it all turns out alright for you.
I have countless more bizarre things on my body than that spot on your hand. I have a random spot on my one finger larger than your spot.
Judging by the number of pages, there is no way to reassure you. My only advice is to trust your doctor. My doctor has said things to me that went against everything my anxiety believed. And my doctor has yet to be wrong.
nomorepanic
27-02-17, 17:47
So what happens when you come back with the all clear?
So what happens when you come back with the all clear?
No trust in the diagnosis.
So what happens when you come back with the all clear?
My guess is he won't.. and then our HA minds will dream up all types of scary scenarios. :lac:
darkside4k
27-02-17, 19:17
The doctor I assume will choose to remove this lesion and I will get the diagnosis in a week or so. That will be the definitive diagnose. I suspect cancer, followed by further excision and chemotherapy.
nomorepanic
27-02-17, 19:23
No, I said what happens when you come back with the all clear not what you want to happen.
PASchoolSyndrome
27-02-17, 19:26
I'm more worried about your mental health when the dermatologist refuses to move what's not there. The help you need is not from a dermatologist.
darkside4k
27-02-17, 19:29
No, I said what happens when you come back with the all clear not what you want to happen.
If that happens then of course I would be relieved, but only if they remove the lesion. If they don't I will have to seek another dermatologist.
Sphincterclench
27-02-17, 19:29
I will waste away in front of my children while they look on in horror.
if you act in any way like you do here, There is a good chance they are already, your tailspinning.
If that happens then of course I would be relieved, but only if they remove the lesion. If they don't I will have to seek another dermatologist.
I have a black spot double or quadruple that size on my inner thigh. Been there forever. I'm fine.
roseanxiety
27-02-17, 20:33
Please let us know when the doctor refers you to a psychiatrist. If he's a good dermatologist that what he will do. You do not have melanoma. Your anxiety is crippling though. Are you on meds?
darkside4k
28-02-17, 16:00
The doctor biopsied the spot so now I am just waiting for results. :/
That's good. You will now have a definite answer.
darkside4k
28-02-17, 17:48
Well, I'm already concerned. I look at my wound and I can *still* see a slightly darker area where it looks like the spot is *still* there. Did he even get it for the biopsy? What the heck?
If I can still see a darker area where it was how are they even going to biopsy it?
nomorepanic
28-02-17, 17:50
They know what they are doing so trust them.
They don't need to cut the whole thing out to look at it.
Just ignore it, put a plaster on if necessary and forget about it
They definitely got enough to biopsy it. It's their job.
darkside4k
28-02-17, 17:57
So then apparently the lesion is quite deep, like a melanoma.
Moles and freckles can be deep.
Not sure how true it is but I once read that flat ones are usually deeper than '3d' ones.
nomorepanic
28-02-17, 18:21
You will have to wait and see what happens.
There is no point worrying over nothing to be honest.
Good luck, hope you're not kept waiting too long. Hopefully when the results come back clear you don't add someone else to your list of medical professionals who you believe can't do their job properly, and believe an all clear when you get one.
So then apparently the lesion is quite deep, like a melanoma.
My dermatologist even said... "wow, that's deep" as she went in for a second scoop of the black mark on my hand. Ok, that freaked me out. In the end, it was benign. Crazy. :shrug:
Until you get that path report, all of this is just chatter.
You were backed against the wall, there was no way out for you mentally other than to get it cut out, I said that .. pages and pages ago.
I'm glad it's done, but it's going to be a rough week or so until you get your results.
I hope you come here instead of taking this out on your family, especially your kids.
So then apparently the lesion is quite deep, like a melanoma.
Moles and melanoma form from the same cells. A mole could be just as deep I would think.
Darkside I feel really sad that your struggling so much with this. Everyone on here has had a fear just like your struggling with now.... and anxiety makes problems seem so much worse than what it actually is, I've been there I've had my mind on something so much that I just wake up in panic.... then I realise how silly I've been when it's all ok..
Anyway melonona..... honestly I genuinly believe that you DO NOT have it.....
I've seen what skin cancer looks like and i don't see what your seeing when you say you think you have it. It look like a tiny freckle to me. Please try and listen to whatpeople including your doctors have been telling you...
Hope you get your reassurance soon
Imagine being a doctor and having your work questioned by a self-taught Google doctor. I would not be a good doctor because I would tell patients off.
Anyway... In a lot of cases, doctors might not know exactly what something is, but they definitely know what it isn't. You have no faith in a person that knows its not melanoma because they can't tell you what a tiny dot is. Probably because they can't really see it because its so small and insignificant.
I do recommend seeking out mental health assistance regardless of the outcome. Like now. Because they can help you regardless of the turnout.
I once was getting evaluated for Leukemia. My therapist and psychiatrist helped me so much with prescriptions and someone to talk to. I thought I was out of the woods until the doctor wanted to test me for Myeloproliferative Neoplasms. Without the help I got, I am not sure how I would have made it through. In the end nothing was wrong with me.
darkside4k
28-02-17, 22:28
Is it possible that the doctor "missed" the spot and didn't get a good biopsy?
Do you read anything we write? You are in a public forum taking no advice. Why come to the public forum? You would intake the exact same amount of advice talking to a wall or a plant.
The doctor went to medical school. His/her goal in life was to help people. They studied to do just that. And then they studied their specialty. A very narrow focus.
You are questioning whether a professional did the SIMPLEST task they do correctly.
A biopsy to a dermatologist is like scrambling an egg to a chef...
Is it possible that the doctor "missed" the spot and didn't get a good biopsy?
You've effectively called every health practitioner you've seen a charlatan who can't do their job. Why bother even seeing doctors if you have so much contempt for their expertise?
If all I needed to do to make 200K-500K a year was surf google, I would have become a doctor years ago. It would have really helped with my finances.
Is it possible that the doctor "missed" the spot and didn't get a good biopsy?
The are professionals they would Not miss "the spot "
Is it possible that the doctor "missed" the spot and didn't get a good biopsy?
Yes it is possible. Just like it is possible that Russia will send nukes to the US tomorrow or when you open the door you trip and fall on your face or you are in a car accident on your way to work or that you will win a mega lottery the next time you buy a ticket. so, yeah, it is "possible." Lots of things are possible. Now sit there and think about that for a while.
---------- Post added at 18:43 ---------- Previous post was at 18:41 ----------
Honestly, you need to do some soul searching and decide how long you want to give your life away to anxiety. How much time do you really want to waste chasing crap that you don't have? I mean REALLY???
roseanxiety
01-03-17, 00:19
Yes, there is a very distinct possibility that the doctor missed the spot. I would go get a second opinion on that if I were you. I mean, really???
Was he wearing a blindfold? Wasn't paying attention?
If doctors were as bad as you perceive, no one would survive surgery.
darkside4k
01-03-17, 22:16
I'm really concerned that I can still see this spot on my hand even after the shave biopsy. That means it is already deep into my hand, especially for such a small spot this is very concerning since it means the melanoma has had time to become invasive.
I'm really concerned that I can still see this spot on my hand even after the shave biopsy. That means it is already deep into my hand, especially for such a small spot this is very concerning since it means the melanoma has had time to become invasive.
It doesn't mean anything. You are not trained to know and frankly, that's not how cancer works (I'm a survivor... been there, done that!). It's not cancer until they say it is and I have my "Told ya so" all ready to go ;) You didn't have ALS and I'm sure that's the case with your current fear.
Let us know what they say.
Positive thoughts
I'm really concerned that I can still see this spot on my hand even after the shave biopsy. That means it is already deep into my hand, especially for such a small spot this is very concerning since it means the melanoma has had time to become invasive.
Did they say when you'll get the results?
darkside4k
02-03-17, 23:40
No they didn't. I just don't even see how they got the proper area to biopsy. The actual spot is on the very edge of the spot where he biopsied - not in the center.
Anyways, this is definitely melanoma anyways and I've been subjected to a ton of medical malpractice in this whole ordeal.
I know everyone on here thinks I am crazy but when I get the melanoma diagnosis that will settle things I guess. Hopefully I can survive a few years. :(
nomorepanic
03-03-17, 00:35
I don't think anything we will say will you convince you otherwise so why not just post again when you have the results and in the meantime concentrate on your anxiety recovery.
You can't carry on like this - it is not living is it?
You need to be more positive in life and think on the positive side not the negative and enjoy life!
Good luck and as I said - post again once you get the results
Have you heard anything back darkside? Hope your doing a little better
Checking in Darkside, how are you doing? Any word from your dr?
darkside4k
08-03-17, 21:59
So I got a call from them today. They said the pathology report showed "nothing". No nevus, no foreign body, no hemorrhage.
IMO this is a really bad result because as you can see in my pics there WAS something. However, like I feared, they did not really get the biopsy right on top of it and in fact I could still see the lesion after they did the biopsy making it clear they missed it entirely. I am beyond depressed at this result since now it is ANOTHER month of waiting for this wound to heal so I can find another dermatologist to re-biopsy it and get the proper results. Unbelievably depressed.
the pathology report showed "nothing". No nevus, no foreign body, no hemorrhage.
And here's your "Told ya so!" Now you can focus on your real illness :)
Positive thoughts
darkside4k
08-03-17, 22:10
But there *was* something there. Look at my pics from this thread. There is clearly a brown / black spot on my hand. They clearly did not biopsy it... as I was suspicious of *right after* the biopsy when I saw the black area appeared to still be present and was on the *very edge* of the biopsied area.
Kathryn313
08-03-17, 22:12
Oh dear. You really are in a tangle.
There is no way that is melanoma (admittly I am not a doctor but worked in cancer pathway work and that just doesn't come close to any images of it).
You will have no hand left at this rate.
Gonna be blunt
And HERE WE GO.
Yes dark side keep chasing your unicorn. Go see ANOTHER derm. And then another after that. Hell, keep this up for a couple of years. At some point your anxious mind will tire of melanoma like it did with ALS, and you will find a new worry. How do I know? Cuz that is what untreated anxiety does.
And before you try and justify your fears, sadly, all I see is a person completely mired in the muck unable to be rational. Treat your anxiety disorder
GlassPinata
08-03-17, 23:47
So I got a call from them today. They said the pathology report showed "nothing". No nevus, no foreign body, no hemorrhage.
IMO this is a really bad result because as you can see in my pics there WAS something.
Maybe it was a little tiny stigmata. :noangel:
Well I'm done with this thread. You think for some reason that you have more experience than a doctor. Than a specialist.
There's a thousand things that aren't cancer that it could be.
This is beyond reminiscent of his threads on AZ. :ohmy:
All you have wrong with you is a bad case of Hypochondria.
Stop wasting your life and get help for it for goodness sake.
It would do you good to go to a Hospice and see what real illnesses are. It would give you some perspective.
darkside4k
09-03-17, 03:10
Nobody has posted an actual thought on what the spot could be.
Nobody has posted an actual thought on what the spot could be.
the pathology report showed "nothing". No nevus, no foreign body, no hemorrhage.
Nothing... nothing at all.
Good luck Brandon. I hope you find peace.
Positive thoughts
Kathryn313
09-03-17, 07:02
Nobody has posted an actual thought on what the spot could be.
It is a natural discolouration of the dermis. You know it and we know it.
Wishing you well, I hope you find some good in your day.x
(Last post on this now from me)
It's probably best not to give darkside a reason to try and convince us he has melanoma. Stop giving advice and trying to tell him it's not melanoma. He obviously doesn't believe dermatologists so he's not going to believe you. I wish you the best buddy. I hope you shake this because it has its claws in you.
Kathryn313
09-03-17, 07:11
It's probably best not to give darkside a reason to try and convince us he has melanoma. Stop giving advice and trying to tell him it's not melanoma. He obviously doesn't believe dermatologists so he's not going to believe you. I wish you the best buddy. I hope you shake this because it has its claws in you.
True. I think replying sometimes just becomes a compulsion! :)
(But this is a reply to you, so I am saying that's ok!)
I'm leaving the forum for personal reasons, but glad I saw you get the all clear before my account went. Seriously, you're demonstrating a contradictory mix of self-loathing (you're desperate for this to be melanoma) and extreme arrogance (all doctors are idiots and you know better).
You now need to see another doctor to discuss your mental health, as keeping on like this without treatment will affect your kids way more than it would do if your fantasy illness was real. Good luck, and find peace.
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