First relationship at 27 is incredible, but I'm anxious.

[RacingM1nd]

Hello all! I'm new here. I've been struggling with anxiety and worrying for quite some time. Here's a bit of background; sorry for the length!

Where do I begin? It feels like for almost my entire life, I've been living with *something* looming over my head. Whether it be a project at work/school, something I said to someone hoping they didn't take it the wrong way, caring what others think about me, what I "should" be doing, trying foods/medications for fear of allergic reactions etc. This feeling has led to me living my life not being able to enjoy the things that most people are able to.

Over the last year and a half I've basically forced myself to get out there. I tried to stop myself from getting in my own head in social/work situations. For the most part I'm pretty good at hiding my anxiety on the outside (I was always able to hide it pretty well by coming off as funny and carefree) except for some outlying instances in which I shut down and become anxious, super aware, and distant. I've always struggled with racing mind and intrusive thoughts for as long as I can remember. I'll have an unsettling thought or idea, and then dwell on it for an unhealthy amount of time bringing my mood down and mentally draining myself.

In November of last year I went on a date with a girl that I had known for some time as an acquaintance. We hit it off instantly, and have been dating ever since. Everything has been fantastic except for one thing...I worry, a lot. Despite her obvious caring for me, I find myself constantly thinking about what she's thinking instead of just letting it happen. I'm confident it stems from my lack of experience and anxious nature (I had only ever kissed a girl up until this point in my life and never been past a second date; I'm 27). Fast forward to the first time we tried to be intimate (a month ago), I told her about my experience (or lack there of). At first she didn't believe me, but I explained to her my anxious nature and she understood. Despite her understanding I was a nervous wreck, it was to the point of shaking (mild, but there), and of course we all know what happens when you're anxious before sex.... nothing, zero libido.

Well, I spent the next week thinking about only how pathetic it was that I couldn't get aroused for a pretty girl that I'm falling for. I kept questioning myself: "Are these feelings real? Am I really attracted to her? Will I ever be able to do this? Why isn't this easy? Why is it easy for everyone else?" I also was depressed and kept thinking about her breaking up with me even though she assured me she wasn't going anywhere. We didn't try again until this past weekend, (for logistical reasons) and I had no problems with arousal until we made it to the bedroom and the clothes came off, then...nothing, again. I was too focused on not messing up again. The GF is being wonderfully supportive, trying to make me feel calm and relaxed. I've honestly never been happier than when I'm with her, and somehow a small part of me thinks it would be easier to just be alone because then I wont be constantly worrying. It's scary, and it's the LAST thing I want.

I always just dealt with my anxiety/worry because it only affected me, and didn't really cause (or so I thought) *that* much inconvenience. Now that it's affecting someone else's life, I feel that it has become important (I know this is terrible logic).

Any tips or suggestions would be very much appreciated! Thanks!

Symptoms:
- Intrusive thoughts; to the point of almost obsessive thinking
- Overthinking new situations or interactions with new people
- Constant worrying about *something*, to the point of if I'm not worrying, I feel weird
- Lack of libido and sex drive/feeling depressed when I think about sex now
- I am able to become aroused when sex is off the table but once the clothes come off... poof, nothing
- Inability to "let go and be in the moment" during intimacy, constant overthinking
- Constant replaying of events in my head, how I could have been better, not messed up etc.
- Agitation because of worrying
- Depression caused by constant worrying and failures/inaction caused by worrying
- Tension in muscles even when I should be relaxed, which GF has noticed; shoulders always seem to be "up"

[up a ladder]

Wow Great result for you. Despite the hype on telly and mags etc sex is by far no be all or end all. I am married and I am on Citalopram my libido is non existent. Sex really is only a part of the whole thing and as you become more relaxed in each others company, I bet things work themselves out.

[SLA]

edited: Sorry

[Catherine S]

Whoa there SLA, give the poor bloke a chance, he's only just joined us :unsure:

ISB ☺

[Noivous]

I say get back on the horse...again and again and again if necessary. Even lousy sex is still pretty fun they say. The key is you gotta keep making the effort. Things will get better. And if you two are in love the sex will be tremendous eventually. That's the key ingredient.

A very good but weird friend of mine didn't have a relationship with anyone till he was 50. Now he's with this very attractive woman not a soul saw coming. 27 is nothing.

N.

[SLA]

Whoa there SLA, give the poor bloke a chance, he's only just joined us :unsure:

ISB ☺

You are right.

Sorry, I don't usually post that late, and wasn't thinking straight. :D

Think I need to take a break.

[Bigboyuk]

I say get back on the horse...again and again and again if necessary. Even lousy sex is still pretty fun they say. The key is you gotta keep making the effort. Things will get better. And if you two are in love the sex will be tremendous eventually. That's the key ingredient.

A very good but weird friend of mine didn't have a relationship with anyone till he was 50. Now he's with this very attractive woman not a soul saw coming. 27 is nothing.

N. This in it's self (I believe) can create more problems the Op's girl friend is very supportive which is great so concerntraite on just being together and enjoying each other's company :) Too much emphasis is put on sex these days and as another poster right said it's not the end of the world :) Cheers

[KeeKee]

I don't believe sex is the end all to be all and two people who love each other will succeed in a relationship with or without it. However as somebody who is feeling a little rejected in that way, I do think it's still important for 'closeness'. Your girlfriend will understand, don't feel pressured, once you 'get the ball rolling' the anxieties in that respect will no doubt disappear.

You are not pathetic and worrying about it will probably exasperate the issue.

[SLA]

once you 'get the ball rolling'

or... "get them swinging"

Yeh, just got to stay in the game. Practise makes perfect, and have fun with it.

It's meant to be fun, and you should laugh at it.

[KeeKee]

or... "get them swinging".

Speak for yourself :D

[Catherine S]

You are right.

Sorry, I don't usually post that late, and wasn't thinking straight. :D

Think I need to take a break.



I did think it wasn't like you....apologies for waking you up lol! :D

ISB x

[Bigboyuk]

Speak for yourself :D Ha ha he probably was lmfao ;) Closeness is so important (and I miss and crave it so much) I totally agree with that, the other will follow ;) Cheers

[georgewing]

First date at 27 its cause emotions for a normal man but for aan anxious one its normal to have it .First congratulation for achievment and dont wory to much about your feelings go with courage and you will see that it will be good

[RacingM1nd]

Thanks for the positive support everyone! It's definitely a struggle for me not ruminating about things that I don't see as 100% ideal. Combine that with going into this blind/with no experience, and it's no wonder my anxious nature has come stampeding back, as was suggested.

My mind loves to play games and jump to the absolute worst case scenario for everything. I've read a lot about and started trying mindfulness meditation, and it seems to help me a little (I'm sure it will get better with experience) by giving me a break from the stupid thoughts. Any good recommendations on this?

[SLA]

My mind loves to play games and jump to the absolute worst case scenario for everything.

So, this is just a belief that has been installed in your brain at some point.

Over time, you can change these beliefs, and change the way you think.

If you start to feel more positive, and affirm to yourself that "my brain loves to assist me in finding rational solutions" then it begins to act out that pattern, and acts in a way to confirm that new belief.

A lot of anxiety is programmed through experiences.

You can break that programming with action, and changes in thought.

Ultimately, do not take life or yourself too seriously. Its absolutely 100% NEVER PERFECT. So to pursue perfection will lead to depression. Be able to laugh at yourself and the absurdity of it all.

[MentalState]

This advice might to be conventional or recommended, but the next time you're both together sharing company perhaps you should consider unwinding together with some Alcohol. Not too much of course as you could end up unable to perform from inebriation but it sure helps loosen up and become less anxious about sex. It's a tried, tested and proven remedy for this type of problem. I'd go as far as to say it could be a key factor why so many societies kept alcohol legal.

Once you've gotten past the first time, you're confidence and closeness will build to a strong level and you won't need it again.

Just a thought OP, but of course be careful of interaction with other meds if you take any, especially benzodiazepines.

EDIT: Just want to say how great the above post by SLA is. That's some real great advice there. Clearly you've spent a fair bit of time trying to understand anxiety and you sure do have some great insight, so thanks for that. I added you to skype as I watched and read the links in your signature. Real good mechanisms there for overcoming negativity and anxious thoughts.

[Bigboyuk]

This advice might to be conventional or recommended, but the next time you're both together sharing company perhaps you should consider unwinding together with some Alcohol. Not too much of course as you could end up unable to perform from inebriation but it sure helps loosen up and become less anxious about sex. It's a tried, tested and proven remedy for this type of problem. I'd go as far as to say it could be a key factor why so many societies kept alcohol legal.

Once you've gotten past the first time, you're confidence and closeness will build to a strong level and you won't need it again.

Just a thought OP, but of course be careful of interaction with other meds if you take any, especially benzodiazepines.

EDIT: Just want to say how great the above post by SLA is. That's some real great advice there. Clearly you've spent a fair bit of time trying to understand anxiety and you sure do have some great insight, so thanks for that. I added you to skype as I watched and read the links in your signature. Real good mechanisms there for overcoming negativity and anxious thoughts.Hmm not so sure respectfully regarding this. And It's not just because of the medications that might be involved The thing is too much emphasis is put on the actual deed and if it doesn't happen then you must be a failure? Not true, so I suggest some chilled music and just enjoy each other's company If it's one thing I like about this forum ( and I like many things about it) is you can have your say with out being talked down too etc :) Cheers

[MentalState]

I agree putting too much emphasis on the deed will increase anxiety. In a loving relationship it also is only a small part of the connection but it is an important part and I think getting this anxiety inducing time overcome early on will really benefit the OP's relationship.

It's one of the very reasons I suggested getting together with some music and alcohol could really help the OP detract his mind from being so concerned with the act of sex. It could help him to feel relaxed and go with the flow in a more natural and relaxed way.

OP do you feel anxious when you're about to enjoy your favourite meal or listen to your favourite song? They are fun, joyous acts and perhaps if you think about your mindset during these other situations you can enjoy making love to the girl you care about without anxiety too in the same way.

[Bigboyuk]

I agree putting too much emphasis on the deed will increase anxiety. In a loving relationship it also is only a small part of the connection but it is an important part and I think getting this anxiety inducing time overcome early on will really benefit the OP's relationship.

It's one of the very reasons I suggested getting together with some music and alcohol could really help the OP detract his mind from being so concerned with the act of sex. It could help him to feel relaxed and go with the flow in a more natural and relaxed way.

OP do you feel anxious when you're about to enjoy your favourite meal or listen to your favourite song? They are fun, joyous acts and perhaps if you think about your mindset during these other situations you can enjoy making love to the girl you care about without anxiety too in the same way.
I agree with the music and ambient lighting but not the drink to the OP don't worry if the deed doesn't happen it's not the end of the world just enjoy each others company it will work out in the end :)