healthyVSdying
02-02-17, 02:47
Please help me.
I experienced such joy upon finding this website. Your time would be so greatly appreciated.
I am a teenager, a girl. From England. I had a really tough upbringing, but not so tough when you consider the sufferings of others.
I have always had... 'issues'. At eleven years of age I was self harming pretty severely and today those scars are my biggest shame. My vulnerability. I had issues with my body image, and was in an eating disorder clinic. I refused to accept that I had anorexia. I was never diagnosed, I ate until I weighed enough that they discharged me. Until last year, I was purging and starving myself, but I am glad to say I finally think I have beaten it. And I did it on my own.
I was never one to obsess over my health, not at that age. It all started with a chest infection during my exams. No one would seem to take me seriously yet I was in so much pain. I was coughing up black and green sputum, and big globs of blood. In the past I have taken drugs. and while using them my anxiety skyrocketed. A single thought could convince me of a heart attack, a collapsed lung, cancer, anything. You might think me stupid. But they were my escape. I stopped, on the most part. But then came the day I had the worst panic attack of my entire exsistance and accepted inevitable death. It was so severe that it lead to some kind of sezuire. I was sure my dog was trying to tell me I would die. Full blown hysteria, begging, regret, loss, anger and then acceptance. Story cut short I woke up. It was a traumatic experience to say the least.
Back to my chest infection: I got antiobiotics and the infection went away but the pain did not. I smoked a lot of weed, to slow my mind down, and I worried that I had cancer. In fact I was sure of it. I made them give me an X -ray. Oh how stupid I felt when they said everything was fine.
But then a little research told me that early stage lung cancer is rarely detected and once again I knew. I could feel it growing inside of me, itchy and disgusting. After many months of mental and physical turmoil I eventually got sent in for another X-ray. I remember thinking 'It's had time to grow now, they'll see it for sure.' The results came back clear a week later.
Within that time, I have had everything. I shared a cigarette with a guy at college which I later deemed as strange and knew I had HIV. Tuberculosis was next, but I was told that I had some kind of vaccination at birth. Then I began experiencing some severe admoninal pain, which worsened with sex, and found out about mononucleosis. I decided that I most definatley am on the brink of rupturing my spleen. Strange sensations in my arms and I am having a stroke. Heart pain and its either a heart attack or the retched heart disease that I must have. I learnt about tapeworm and thought myself to be infested with parasites, particularly in the brain. I was pregnant about 9 times, with a few ectopic pregnancies due to the chlamydia i MUST have had for years with no symptoms which means I will be infertile. ( I am pretty sure I DONT have chlamydia, BUT HOW WOULD I KNOW???? ( I will get tested for this one soon). I also find it very hard to gain weight despite eating a hell of a lot. I think I really do have a thyroid disorder, hyperthyroidism, and despite being painfully aware of the risks posed by a thyroid storm I have yet to mention it to a health professional. I have constant waves of anxious, hot and dizzying sweat and headaches often. I also get small spasms/twitches, shaking hands and sometimes body, fever and chills, strange twinges in my head like weird hot stabbing electrical impulses, and my muscles ache all the damn time.
There is too much to go over, but recently I found out X-rays can cause mutations which can lead to cancer and BOOM. Its back. I am aware that I sound stupid. The real issue is differentiating between real and delusional symptoms. At which point do I stop ignoring the pain? A week or so ago, I had crippling lung pain, so bad that I couldn't walk and if I could've stopped breathing there and then I would of because it hurt so much. I also am pretty sure I have haglunds deformity ( to do with the heels )due to being forced to wear ill fitting shoes for a brief period as a kid, and I can now only wear and walk in 1 pair of shoes but i haven't been to the doctor because I feel like I am being stupid again. I feel weak and sick and feverish all the freaking time and everything is so hard.
I feel like all I do is complain, and yet that no one will listen. I feel riddled with diseases, I want to walk into the doctors and demand blood tests and yet I won't even go in at all as they dismissed my lungs.
This worry also extends onto everyone I care about. My dog has hip dysplacia but I don't know if that's in my head and she is just built that way, but I am going to vets soon. My mother actually has a broken back, lots of complications, will never be well again, and is on a lot of harmful strong pain killers. Some nights I am sure she will die. I feel guilty for not visiting my Father more in case he does too. I worry about my younger brother developing heart disease or diabetes as he is slightly over weight. I very rarely drink tap water as I am terrified of all its impurities and fluoride content. I worry about the mercury molars in my boyfriends teeth and all of his aches and pains.
I just want to be free. I am so freaking down, and yet try so hard to better myself, help others and to be compassionate. I still feel like a monster, like every bad thing to happen to everyone i love , ever, was because I am a curse. A poison. Filth.
And there I go, complaining again.
I experienced such joy upon finding this website. Your time would be so greatly appreciated.
I am a teenager, a girl. From England. I had a really tough upbringing, but not so tough when you consider the sufferings of others.
I have always had... 'issues'. At eleven years of age I was self harming pretty severely and today those scars are my biggest shame. My vulnerability. I had issues with my body image, and was in an eating disorder clinic. I refused to accept that I had anorexia. I was never diagnosed, I ate until I weighed enough that they discharged me. Until last year, I was purging and starving myself, but I am glad to say I finally think I have beaten it. And I did it on my own.
I was never one to obsess over my health, not at that age. It all started with a chest infection during my exams. No one would seem to take me seriously yet I was in so much pain. I was coughing up black and green sputum, and big globs of blood. In the past I have taken drugs. and while using them my anxiety skyrocketed. A single thought could convince me of a heart attack, a collapsed lung, cancer, anything. You might think me stupid. But they were my escape. I stopped, on the most part. But then came the day I had the worst panic attack of my entire exsistance and accepted inevitable death. It was so severe that it lead to some kind of sezuire. I was sure my dog was trying to tell me I would die. Full blown hysteria, begging, regret, loss, anger and then acceptance. Story cut short I woke up. It was a traumatic experience to say the least.
Back to my chest infection: I got antiobiotics and the infection went away but the pain did not. I smoked a lot of weed, to slow my mind down, and I worried that I had cancer. In fact I was sure of it. I made them give me an X -ray. Oh how stupid I felt when they said everything was fine.
But then a little research told me that early stage lung cancer is rarely detected and once again I knew. I could feel it growing inside of me, itchy and disgusting. After many months of mental and physical turmoil I eventually got sent in for another X-ray. I remember thinking 'It's had time to grow now, they'll see it for sure.' The results came back clear a week later.
Within that time, I have had everything. I shared a cigarette with a guy at college which I later deemed as strange and knew I had HIV. Tuberculosis was next, but I was told that I had some kind of vaccination at birth. Then I began experiencing some severe admoninal pain, which worsened with sex, and found out about mononucleosis. I decided that I most definatley am on the brink of rupturing my spleen. Strange sensations in my arms and I am having a stroke. Heart pain and its either a heart attack or the retched heart disease that I must have. I learnt about tapeworm and thought myself to be infested with parasites, particularly in the brain. I was pregnant about 9 times, with a few ectopic pregnancies due to the chlamydia i MUST have had for years with no symptoms which means I will be infertile. ( I am pretty sure I DONT have chlamydia, BUT HOW WOULD I KNOW???? ( I will get tested for this one soon). I also find it very hard to gain weight despite eating a hell of a lot. I think I really do have a thyroid disorder, hyperthyroidism, and despite being painfully aware of the risks posed by a thyroid storm I have yet to mention it to a health professional. I have constant waves of anxious, hot and dizzying sweat and headaches often. I also get small spasms/twitches, shaking hands and sometimes body, fever and chills, strange twinges in my head like weird hot stabbing electrical impulses, and my muscles ache all the damn time.
There is too much to go over, but recently I found out X-rays can cause mutations which can lead to cancer and BOOM. Its back. I am aware that I sound stupid. The real issue is differentiating between real and delusional symptoms. At which point do I stop ignoring the pain? A week or so ago, I had crippling lung pain, so bad that I couldn't walk and if I could've stopped breathing there and then I would of because it hurt so much. I also am pretty sure I have haglunds deformity ( to do with the heels )due to being forced to wear ill fitting shoes for a brief period as a kid, and I can now only wear and walk in 1 pair of shoes but i haven't been to the doctor because I feel like I am being stupid again. I feel weak and sick and feverish all the freaking time and everything is so hard.
I feel like all I do is complain, and yet that no one will listen. I feel riddled with diseases, I want to walk into the doctors and demand blood tests and yet I won't even go in at all as they dismissed my lungs.
This worry also extends onto everyone I care about. My dog has hip dysplacia but I don't know if that's in my head and she is just built that way, but I am going to vets soon. My mother actually has a broken back, lots of complications, will never be well again, and is on a lot of harmful strong pain killers. Some nights I am sure she will die. I feel guilty for not visiting my Father more in case he does too. I worry about my younger brother developing heart disease or diabetes as he is slightly over weight. I very rarely drink tap water as I am terrified of all its impurities and fluoride content. I worry about the mercury molars in my boyfriends teeth and all of his aches and pains.
I just want to be free. I am so freaking down, and yet try so hard to better myself, help others and to be compassionate. I still feel like a monster, like every bad thing to happen to everyone i love , ever, was because I am a curse. A poison. Filth.
And there I go, complaining again.