Will this hell on earth ever end?

[Juggar]

To make a long story short a few months ago I was visiting relatives and could not get to sleep in the bed there. I ended up having either an anxiety attack or panic attack because I thought "I cant sleep now, what if I never sleep again?"

Keep in mind I was of sound mind before this.

This has caused me insomnia, essentially if I dont get to sleep quickly I begin to feel anxious and then its like an electric current starts to flow through me and I begin to feel lots of fear. After that, it is difficult to sleep but I manage it as best I can with Benadryl.

This has spilled over into nearly every facet of my life. I have been anxious about sensorimotor ocd, I even got anxious that I might forget how to talk. Essentially, the "anxiety" floodgates/dam broke in my head that is supposed to filter out all these thoughts.

Whats worse is that when sleep deprived it just magnifies the problem even worse as I am less mentally prepared to deal with it. I can end up just crying because I dont see a way out of this beyond death but I dont want to die!

Its been like this since the end of November 2016. This has also been recently very aggravated by the fact that my boss at work left and now I am in charge of a huge overwhelming project. A few beers when I get home is relaxing but doesn't help me sleep.

I have not seeked any help for this so far, I am willing to do almost anything(I would rather be addicted to pills than live this life) to escape this hell. Please, any comments would be very appreciated!

[OwenIsNotDoingSoHot]

Hello, Juggar! A few thoughts to consider, perhaps an insight or two :)

You've detailed a very clear line of behavior here. Sleep is a big stressor for you, and that's understandable, it's the daily reset switch. And you've built a perception of sleep as exactly that, something to order your thoughts and bring harmony to chaos. But with that you've got an expectation, which when it's smooth sailing and not a creature is stirring, it's perfectly fine as your expectation aligns with reality. I go to bed, I sleep. Simple, right? However where you're at currently is a state in which you're trying to force a natural process, and in that, you're dedicating an inordinate amount of time, energy and thought to something that a lot of people do without thinking. You've turned your bed into something to be afraid of. To that expectation of sleep you've added additional thoughts, and as you've said, they're not beneficial.

"I can't sleep now, what if I never sleep again?". You've hit the nail on the head there with that one line, as with the vast majority of anxious thoughts, it's ridiculous; comical. You will sleep, eventually, you will sleep. As you have proven, by sleeping. So the first thought I would like to give is simply that. Regardless of the panic, the distress, the frustration and anger that one fact remains. You will eventually fall asleep. And that's something you need to short circuit your thoughts with. Replace "What if I never sleep again?" to "I acknowledge I'm feeling anxious right now, but eventually I will fall asleep" and leave it at that. Any further thoughts simply remind yourself "... eventually I will fall asleep." Over time, with repetition your mind will form a new habit of following that pathway and accepting it more readily. Note: It's not a permanent solution, I would suggest this being temporary as we want to return you to a point where you're not thinking about sleep at all. However for getting you back into a rhythm, this will do just nicely.

Thought, the second. Remove the time expectation. "It's getting late, if I sleep now I'll only have X amount of hours before I need to get up to do YZ". Try to adopt the mindset of, similar to before, "I may only get X amount of sleep, but I know I can still operate at that level. I am still functional regardless." I like to think of it as rational affirmations.

The third thought! Understand that although sleep is a natural process, it can be viewed as a skill. One you can get better at. Instead of asking Dr Google the consequences of sleeplessness and what can go wrong! Structure your questions in a more positive light "How can I improve my sleeping?" "How can I help myself to feel better in X delight"?.

Fourth! The opening of the floodgates. From what I've read. What happens to the anxious persons mind is that they get really f*cking good at worrying. It's a skill, it's not a good skill but it has all the characteristics of one. It's a skill you've been getting better at every day for the past few months. Your mind can't differentiate between a good skill, and a bad one. An objectively good routine, or a bad one. Now with any skill we, as humans, will lose it without practice and attention. I'm a Comp Sci student, I boast a workable knowledge of 4 or so different programming languages, truth be told I was proficient at 4 at each respective time, however I am most definitely not now. We just need to focus our minds on something else, in order to get our minds away from worrying. Just quickly, as an exercise, think how easy it is for you to go from NEGATIVE THOUGHT to full blown panic now, compared to the time it took in your early stages. Much quicker, right? That's your brain getting better at it. Adopt a more active lifestyle with regards to your anxious thoughts, try to steer your mind to interests and hobbies, just away from negative thoughts. This alone is a massive topic. However, I'm sure there are resources on this site suited exactly towards that. But to give some subject headings... CBT relating to thought restructuring/Immersion therapy.

I have a relevant reading list, however I cannot post links until I've made 10 or most posts. I'll pop back and update this once I can :)

Good luck Stranger, and I do hope to hear of future successes! :) :)

[GlassPinata]

Juggar, i use benadryl for insomnia too. I have for over 20 years, with no adverse effects.
Insomnia comes and goes; don't focus on it and give it more power.
Try reading, or playing a game on your tablet or phone in bed.
I always tell myself, "At least I am resting my body. Even if I don't sleep, lying down will still do me good."
Eventually, sleep will come, probably when you least expect it.

Owen, good job on jumping right in, and great advice!
I find that one of the best remedies for my anxiety is helping and reassuring other sufferers.

Best wishes to both of you!

[toothless]

Hi, I suffered awful insomnia caused by anxiety, I think the two feed off each other and it quickly becomes a despairing situation as you know a good nights sleep will help calm your anxiety.

You have been given some great advice, I echo the positive talk as worrying you will never sleep again will keep your sleep anxiety alive.

It sounds like you have stress at work at the moment, do you do anything to destress? Any exercise you like doing as this can help relax you, I like to do tai chi and walking. I also listen to guided meditation on youtube, perhaps you could try one after work?

Do you have a bedtime rountine? I like a hot bath in the evening and then reading and guided meditation, you can get sleep ones which you could listen to in bed on your phone, if I'm having a bad time getting off to sleep I will listen to several of them they take my mind off negative thoughts.

Before i suffered with my insomnia I had never had sleep problems, it was a huge shock when I did, it was caused by high anxiety and I paniced like crazy, I honestly thought I was going insane so my GP prescribed me a short course of sleeing tablets and later mitazapine which is a sedative antidepressant, but I felt desperate, If I hadn't have paniced as much and been so scared maybe I wouldn't have needed the medication.

There are foods which can help with sleep, like having a banana, cherry juice or almonds before bed and I take a magnesium tablet too as this is meant to help. Valerian is a herb which maybe worth trying too.

I'm eight months on and I'm glad to say I sleep great most of the time now, some nights I can still be restless and if I have anxiety it still effects my sleep but it always comes back but before I ever had sleep problems I didnt even notice or record if I had a bad night or couldn't fall asleep but I know I did but I wasn't obsessed about it.

I hope you sleep better soon.:)

[busterrufus]

Juggar, I,ve had severe anxiety for last 6 years. The insomnia started 18 months ago and I have been taking a benydrl equivalent for 6 months, which I hate doing but the sleeplessness was unbearable. I have been trying all the sleep routine strategies which toothless talks about. Also chamomile tea in the evenings. There has been some improvement so hopefully you will get some respite if you try some that you haven,t tried yet. My Dr suggested cherry juice so I started that a couple of weeks ago. Good luck.
P.s look forward to future input from Owen!

[Juggar]

Thanks everyone I really, really appreciate the responses!

Some nights I sleep great, some nights I dont and some nights are restless light sleep which is marginally better than getting no sleep. My biggest fear is having my life falling apart because of the anxiety/insomnia.My brain jumps right to the worst conclusion of course.

I always do manage to eventually sleep soundly (And deeply) through the night again and that is reassuring. I just always doubt my body and think "well, that good night is in the past now, do it for the rest of your life" Its an anxious feeling which feeds the insomnia fire.

I guess I just long for the times before I was aware of this anxiety, where I slept good every night. Id like to turn back time if I could! haha Its like now that I am aware of my sleeping anxiety I will be forever doomed to this life. Hopefully that doesn't happen!

It has been very reassuring reading your responses which has really helped alleviate a lot of this anxiety. My friends and family just have no experience with this kind of thing.

I think relaxing before bed is very important, at least for me. Its almost like if I even think that I cant sleep it will end up in a rough night. Weird how that works. Looking back, on the nights I didnt think much of it, I slept pretty well.

Hopefully, sleeping will become less of a job or task and more of the natural thing it is supposed to be! Like Owen said, this anxiety thing has almost become a learned skill that ive become "good" at which even poured over into many other areas of my life.

Its good to know that some of you use benadryl to help this sort of thing, it does put me right to sleep almost every time. I try not to use it often so its effects will be more pronounced.

Again, thanks for the responses!

---------- Post added at 18:06 ---------- Previous post was at 17:54 ----------


Hi, I suffered awful insomnia caused by anxiety, I think the two feed off each other and it quickly becomes a despairing situation as you know a good nights sleep will help calm your anxiety.

You have been given some great advice, I echo the positive talk as worrying you will never sleep again will keep your sleep anxiety alive.

It sounds like you have stress at work at the moment, do you do anything to destress? Any exercise you like doing as this can help relax you, I like to do tai chi and walking. I also listen to guided meditation on youtube, perhaps you could try one after work?

Do you have a bedtime rountine? I like a hot bath in the evening and then reading and guided meditation, you can get sleep ones which you could listen to in bed on your phone, if I'm having a bad time getting off to sleep I will listen to several of them they take my mind off negative thoughts.

Before i suffered with my insomnia I had never had sleep problems, it was a huge shock when I did, it was caused by high anxiety and I paniced like crazy, I honestly thought I was going insane so my GP prescribed me a short course of sleeing tablets and later mitazapine which is a sedative antidepressant, but I felt desperate, If I hadn't have paniced as much and been so scared maybe I wouldn't have needed the medication.

There are foods which can help with sleep, like having a banana, cherry juice or almonds before bed and I take a magnesium tablet too as this is meant to help. Valerian is a herb which maybe worth trying too.

I'm eight months on and I'm glad to say I sleep great most of the time now, some nights I can still be restless and if I have anxiety it still effects my sleep but it always comes back but before I ever had sleep problems I didnt even notice or record if I had a bad night or couldn't fall asleep but I know I did but I wasn't obsessed about it.

I hope you sleep better soon.:)

I panicked pretty hard at first as well, but thankfully got somewhat of a handle on it. I think I will pick up some bananas on the way home and try that. I already have a bottle of Cherry juice that I never tried so ill have to give that whirl as well. I actually take a calcium/magnesium/zinc supplement and I have noticed it can make me very sleepy depending on when I take it.

I do some exercise when I can, its just that I dont get home till 8PM so my time is all but taken up. I have noticed that walking a good 2 miles can clear my head and make me feel better in general so I do it whenever I get the chance.

Im glad to hear you got it sorted out! Gives me hope for the future.

[Juggar]

Well, I slept great last friday night. My friend didnt even wake me coming into my room and messing with the printer.

I have to say, ever since that good night ive not been able to sleep well. It seems like I only get a few hours a night and even then its not good sleep. Its like my brain doesnt want to rest. Its like I am not getting any deep sleep. Its a very light sleep it seems. I wake up a few hours later wide awake(feeling like I didnt sleep, but I clearly remember vividly dreaming) . This has happened for the last 5 nights.

Im really hoping my body sorts this out automatically soon so I can sleep. I scheduled a doctors appt for Monday as I need to break this vicious cycle. The anxiety from this is stressing me so much. It feels like more than I can handle honestly. Really ,really hoping for some great restoring sleep tonight and over the weekend.

[GlassPinata]

Gosh, after giving you advice on this thread, I was unable to follow any of it myself last night. :(
I went to bed early but woke at 1 a.m. and was completely unable to relax or get back to sleep until around 5 a.m.... then I had to get up for work at 6.
Needless to say I was a zombie at work all day.
Now I'm starting to worry about tonight. if it happens again, I don't know what I'll do. Sleep deprivation is frightening, and it exacerbates my anxiety terribly when i don't get enough sleep.
I took Benadryl last night, but to no avail. if anything, it only made me more restless. I kept twitching, couldn't get comfortable, and was having to get up to pee every ten minutes, it seemed.
It was a terrible night.

I can only hope tonight will be better.

[Juggar]

Gosh, after giving you advice on this thread, I was unable to follow any of it myself last night. :(
I went to bed early but woke at 1 a.m. and was completely unable to relax or get back to sleep until around 5 a.m.... then I had to get up for work at 6.
Needless to say I was a zombie at work all day.
Now I'm starting to worry about tonight. if it happens again, I don't know what I'll do. Sleep deprivation is frightening, and it exacerbates my anxiety terribly when i don't get enough sleep.
I took Benadryl last night, but to no avail. if anything, it only made me more restless. I kept twitching, couldn't get comfortable, and was having to get up to pee every ten minutes, it seemed.
It was a terrible night.

I can only hope tonight will be better.

Sleep Deprivation is frightening, after 5 days it was like my body got used to it ( a few hours a night). As I got used to it I started feeling less afraid thankfully. I did 50 hours of intense mental work/coding work this last week like this, so knowing that I was still a capable person while very deprived really helped me feel better.

Last night I laid down and started to accept the situation for what it was. I knew that I might not get much or any sleep but it felt good to just stop fighting the anxiety and stress. I felt myself almost drift off multiple times but my brain stopped it a few times. I took a second benadryl and laid on the couch, I was asleep within 5 mins. Sure it was only 6 hours but I feel better today than I have in a good while.

The more attention I feed this demon the worse it seems to get. Its hard to ignore something or come to peace with it when it impacts your sleep and waking thoughts. Hopefully I can get some advice or a referral from the doctor to get some help with this professionally. Perhaps a therapist that specialize in CBT can help. I never thought I would be at a point in my life that I would need professional help.

Its very true that its hard to follow our own advice GlassPinata! Ive had that happen to me countless times. I do think the best advice is to just accept the situation and not fight it with thoughts of "what will I do" and "what if?". I hope you sleep better soon!

[machassan]

I had all of this problems 2 years ago , it was sever , now it is minimal

[Juggar]

I had all of this problems 2 years ago , it was sever , now it is minimal

Thanks, I figure time will fix this as I gradually put less importance on these issues.

[machassan]

Thanks, I figure time will fix this as I gradually put less importance on these issues.

Not time , it is therapy , you have OCD

[Juggar]

Not time , it is therapy , you have OCD

Well, probably. Good thing im going to the doctor Monday. Hopefully they can give a referral.

[GlassPinata]

I'm proud of you for making an appointment.
Best wishes! And please let us know how it goes! :)

[Juggar]

Just wanted to update and say that the doctor thinks its a more of an anxiety/psychological type thing.

They proscribed me hydroxyzine (antihistamine) to help me sleep at night if I start to feel anxious about it. I have been sleeping better recently (save for last night) so I think I am headed in the right direction.

Its kind of irritating to worry about every little thought that comes into my mind though. Ever since I had that first anxiety attack months back I seem to latch onto anxious thoughts and make mountains out of molehill type thoughts. Feel like im permanently screwed for life on this but oh well life goes on I suppose. :shrug:

[GlassPinata]

You sound better. Hopefully the medication will help. Keep us posted.

[Bill]

Looking at your story from another angle in case this helps to give you hope, I suspect the first anxiety attack you suffered was due to an underlying build up of too much stress. It may have been the final straw that triggered your mind into overload.

After this you say your boss left and now you're in charge of an overwhelming project. If it feels overwhelming it presumably feels a lot of pressure to cope with so this too will be causing you an overload of stress.

Stress acts like a trigger. We can reach our limit without realising it so when we're pushed beyond it, our minds are overloaded and this will trigger an anxiety attack. Sometimes it's gradual and sometimes it can be a sudden bad experience but either way, too much stress triggers anxiety.

Also though, once the anxiety is triggered, if the stress isn't eased, it then acts like a fuel to our anxiety so it makes thoughts feels much more real and more difficult to overcome because the stress is feeding our anxious state.

Just for example, imagine walking out the house one day which you've done millions of times before then one day you step out and something happens that frightens you. The next day you step out the door, all your mind is thinking is the bad experience you had the day before so you're already in an anxious state expecting the worse before you've even stepped out the door. It can feel so bad that you feel you can't even step out the door because of the "what if" it happens again. You become trapped in the house. You feel it's your place of safety but in reality you become trapped in a place of fear. This creates stress and fuels your anxiety.

In your case, you suffered a bad anxiety attack which then triggered all your doubts about sleeping. You've become trapped in these thoughts because you've become too afraid to let go of them because of your fear "what if" sleep is always going to be a problem.

However, think back to before you suffered your anxiety attack. The thoughts were never even present then and sleep wasn't a problem. The only thing that's changed is the bad experience you suffered which was made worse by your boss leaving and the additional stress you're now suffering on top.

Those are my thoughts as to what has happened.

As for getting back to how you used to be, which we know is possible because you were ok then before anyway, the first thing I'd suggest you consider if possible is delegate some of the project to share the load. If you can do that, it'll help to ease the stress which will then make you feel more able to combat the anxious thoughts.

Beyond that, once the project finishes, you may find the stress will ease enough naturally so you'll feel more confident anyway but if the problem continues, perhaps consider asking for a therapist who will help you through the process of thinking how you used to think. However, it may well be possible to help yourself too.

For instance, if you can ease the stress, the thoughts won't feel so real so you'll find it easier to resist worrying about them so much. Sleep is only an issue because of the fear of letting the thoughts go. Once you can overcome your fear that was triggered by the original attack, you'll then be able to ignore them and get back to how you used to be.

Another example would be like the OCD sufferer when they feel something has to in a certain place every time that they consider is safe to avoid the feelings of anxiety and the fear of something bad happening. Once they're able to put it in a place that they don't consider safe and nothing bad does happen, their fear is overcome and they completely forget about it.

In your case, your fear is the sleep issue which once you overcome by forgetting it, your anxiety will forget you too. However, look at ways to ease your stresses first to ease the fuel to your anxious thoughts.

Sorry that's long winded but it will end. It may just take time with the right help. I always think of anxiety of having set causes and triggers but needs the right package of treatment for each sufferer. Anyway, see if that makes any sense because from the bits I've read that's what I think has happened.

You will be ok.

[Juggar]

Looking at your story from another angle in case this helps to give you hope, I suspect the first anxiety attack you suffered was due to an underlying build up of too much stress. It may have been the final straw that triggered your mind into overload.

After this you say your boss left and now you're in charge of an overwhelming project. If it feels overwhelming it presumably feels a lot of pressure to cope with so this too will be causing you an overload of stress.

Stress acts like a trigger. We can reach our limit without realising it so when we're pushed beyond it, our minds are overloaded and this will trigger an anxiety attack. Sometimes it's gradual and sometimes it can be a sudden bad experience but either way, too much stress triggers anxiety.

Also though, once the anxiety is triggered, if the stress isn't eased, it then acts like a fuel to our anxiety so it makes thoughts feels much more real and more difficult to overcome because the stress is feeding our anxious state.

Just for example, imagine walking out the house one day which you've done millions of times before then one day you step out and something happens that frightens you. The next day you step out the door, all your mind is thinking is the bad experience you had the day before so you're already in an anxious state expecting the worse before you've even stepped out the door. It can feel so bad that you feel you can't even step out the door because of the "what if" it happens again. You become trapped in the house. You feel it's your place of safety but in reality you become trapped in a place of fear. This creates stress and fuels your anxiety.

In your case, you suffered a bad anxiety attack which then triggered all your doubts about sleeping. You've become trapped in these thoughts because you've become too afraid to let go of them because of your fear "what if" sleep is always going to be a problem.

However, think back to before you suffered your anxiety attack. The thoughts were never even present then and sleep wasn't a problem. The only thing that's changed is the bad experience you suffered which was made worse by your boss leaving and the additional stress you're now suffering on top.

Those are my thoughts as to what has happened.

As for getting back to how you used to be, which we know is possible because you were ok then before anyway, the first thing I'd suggest you consider if possible is delegate some of the project to share the load. If you can do that, it'll help to ease the stress which will then make you feel more able to combat the anxious thoughts.

Beyond that, once the project finishes, you may find the stress will ease enough naturally so you'll feel more confident anyway but if the problem continues, perhaps consider asking for a therapist who will help you through the process of thinking how you used to think. However, it may well be possible to help yourself too.

For instance, if you can ease the stress, the thoughts won't feel so real so you'll find it easier to resist worrying about them so much. Sleep is only an issue because of the fear of letting the thoughts go. Once you can overcome your fear that was triggered by the original attack, you'll then be able to ignore them and get back to how you used to be.

Another example would be like the OCD sufferer when they feel something has to in a certain place every time that they consider is safe to avoid the feelings of anxiety and the fear of something bad happening. Once they're able to put it in a place that they don't consider safe and nothing bad does happen, their fear is overcome and they completely forget about it.

In your case, your fear is the sleep issue which once you overcome by forgetting it, your anxiety will forget you too. However, look at ways to ease your stresses first to ease the fuel to your anxious thoughts.

Sorry that's long winded but it will end. It may just take time with the right help. I always think of anxiety of having set causes and triggers but needs the right package of treatment for each sufferer. Anyway, see if that makes any sense because from the bits I've read that's what I think has happened.

You will be ok.

Thanks for the response Bill, very much appreciated! Looks like I am slowly getting over it and sleeping better. :yesyes:

[Bill]

You're most welcome. It's really good to hear you're doing better. Try to keep moving on and don't look back. Like I said, you Will be ok.