OwenIsNotDoingSoHot
06-02-17, 02:14
So, this is a bit of a different post that others I've seen but I'd like to get it off my chest so if you could indulge my rambling man impression!
Late 2015-early 2016; I was happiest I've ever been. Everything was perfect. Great friends. Great job. University was under control and I felt an unmatched confidence, I went to bed looking forward to waking up the next morning. 2016 was the best time of my life.
2016, October; I had a pretty routine tonsil infection and was given antibiotics to clear it up without any hassle. One night I felt strange, like the upper-part of my eyes were clouded. Like someone had put a screen over my brain. Little did I know then that it was the start of the most unsettling symptom of Anxiety. I was not an anxious person. I had experienced a panic attack before but it was under a very different set of circumstances including a lot of stimulants and a death in the family. Since then I've had every anxiety symptom in the book, however until recently I thought it was a medical reason and I obsessed everyday with Dr Google. I quit my job, I couldn't function. I had to leave University, I couldn't function. I moved back home to my dead home, with a family I don't particularly connect with, I simply cannot function as a human being anymore.
However, that last line notwithstanding, I am, I believe, ready to give this getting better malarkey a good go at! I've devised a rudimentary treatment plan, with associated research to justify my methodology.
The abridged version is as follows...
1) Give up Dr Google, cold turkey.
2) Learn to accept that any psychological sensations are more than likely the result of my anxiety, and a sub-conscious awareness of similarities between illnesses I'm obsessing over and sensations, culminating in a non-conscious autonomous response by my body to get my "thinking" mind, my "perceptual" mind to take notice and heed its warning!
3) Practice breathing techniques to better prepare for times of active stress responses. However, to do so with a mindset of detachment, not to expect a panic attack but rather to have, for the lack of a better term, a more fitting screwdriver for that particular screw that has loosened.
4) Engage in emotional detachment from psychological sensations; the indifferent observer. To acknowledge and accept that it's part of me now, but not forever. To cultivate that positive outlook.
5) To not look for reassurance, or comfort when I'm experiencing a particularly difficult time but to instead focus upon known remedies, such as breathing techniques and non-emotive observation, as it is more likely that I am experiencing atypical symptoms to a typical ailment, than indicators of a different issue. To do so in an effort to maintain focus on my primary issue; an anxiety problem.
6) Get back to the gym, not only for the physical benefits but to give myself a structured environment to leave the house and to spend less time obsessing.
7) To reenter the world, engage my friends & family more. Look into finishing University, to give myself a goal to aspire to.
8) Try mindful meditation, and mindful Yoga in an effort to not look to the future with despair and worry, but instead focus on issues in the now and how I can better care for myself in the moment instead of listening to my voice of doubt.
9) Attempt to identify the underlying issues regarding my anxiety. My thoughts currently are that it's pretty clear I have medical anxiety, or anxiety pertaining to sickness. Does that stem from a fear of death, or dying young having not achieved what I want to, and experiencing anguish, upset and self-loathing over failures. Am I subconsciously worried regarding my parents health? As they are currently sick, and that I'm unable to communicate my worries to them. Am I fearful of being alone in the world, in my current enfeebled state? Questions to think on.
10) To learn to be comfortable with not being okay. To stop holding myself to such an unrelenting and unachievable level of perfection. To learn its okay to fail, its okay to stumble. To focus on accepting that I'm not infallible. To understand why I'm unable to fail in my own mind without it being some other entities fault. To understand my own ego, and shortcomings.
11) And finally... To accept that regardless of this plan, or any future plans I will be okay. To understand that I need to adopt a mindset that isn't resolute in one eventuality, or the other. To accept that it's okay if this is simply part of me now, and to find ways to function normally.
If anyone has anything they would like to add, feel free! If they want to comment on my youthful naivety and optimism, go right ahead. Or if only to drop in and say hi, hello to you too!
I applaud you for making it this far ^^
Sidenote:
It was my birthday on the 26th of January. I was so lost that Facebook reminded me of that fact. A cycle of anxiety, depression and self loathing that I had completely lost track of the date. That scared me.
Late 2015-early 2016; I was happiest I've ever been. Everything was perfect. Great friends. Great job. University was under control and I felt an unmatched confidence, I went to bed looking forward to waking up the next morning. 2016 was the best time of my life.
2016, October; I had a pretty routine tonsil infection and was given antibiotics to clear it up without any hassle. One night I felt strange, like the upper-part of my eyes were clouded. Like someone had put a screen over my brain. Little did I know then that it was the start of the most unsettling symptom of Anxiety. I was not an anxious person. I had experienced a panic attack before but it was under a very different set of circumstances including a lot of stimulants and a death in the family. Since then I've had every anxiety symptom in the book, however until recently I thought it was a medical reason and I obsessed everyday with Dr Google. I quit my job, I couldn't function. I had to leave University, I couldn't function. I moved back home to my dead home, with a family I don't particularly connect with, I simply cannot function as a human being anymore.
However, that last line notwithstanding, I am, I believe, ready to give this getting better malarkey a good go at! I've devised a rudimentary treatment plan, with associated research to justify my methodology.
The abridged version is as follows...
1) Give up Dr Google, cold turkey.
2) Learn to accept that any psychological sensations are more than likely the result of my anxiety, and a sub-conscious awareness of similarities between illnesses I'm obsessing over and sensations, culminating in a non-conscious autonomous response by my body to get my "thinking" mind, my "perceptual" mind to take notice and heed its warning!
3) Practice breathing techniques to better prepare for times of active stress responses. However, to do so with a mindset of detachment, not to expect a panic attack but rather to have, for the lack of a better term, a more fitting screwdriver for that particular screw that has loosened.
4) Engage in emotional detachment from psychological sensations; the indifferent observer. To acknowledge and accept that it's part of me now, but not forever. To cultivate that positive outlook.
5) To not look for reassurance, or comfort when I'm experiencing a particularly difficult time but to instead focus upon known remedies, such as breathing techniques and non-emotive observation, as it is more likely that I am experiencing atypical symptoms to a typical ailment, than indicators of a different issue. To do so in an effort to maintain focus on my primary issue; an anxiety problem.
6) Get back to the gym, not only for the physical benefits but to give myself a structured environment to leave the house and to spend less time obsessing.
7) To reenter the world, engage my friends & family more. Look into finishing University, to give myself a goal to aspire to.
8) Try mindful meditation, and mindful Yoga in an effort to not look to the future with despair and worry, but instead focus on issues in the now and how I can better care for myself in the moment instead of listening to my voice of doubt.
9) Attempt to identify the underlying issues regarding my anxiety. My thoughts currently are that it's pretty clear I have medical anxiety, or anxiety pertaining to sickness. Does that stem from a fear of death, or dying young having not achieved what I want to, and experiencing anguish, upset and self-loathing over failures. Am I subconsciously worried regarding my parents health? As they are currently sick, and that I'm unable to communicate my worries to them. Am I fearful of being alone in the world, in my current enfeebled state? Questions to think on.
10) To learn to be comfortable with not being okay. To stop holding myself to such an unrelenting and unachievable level of perfection. To learn its okay to fail, its okay to stumble. To focus on accepting that I'm not infallible. To understand why I'm unable to fail in my own mind without it being some other entities fault. To understand my own ego, and shortcomings.
11) And finally... To accept that regardless of this plan, or any future plans I will be okay. To understand that I need to adopt a mindset that isn't resolute in one eventuality, or the other. To accept that it's okay if this is simply part of me now, and to find ways to function normally.
If anyone has anything they would like to add, feel free! If they want to comment on my youthful naivety and optimism, go right ahead. Or if only to drop in and say hi, hello to you too!
I applaud you for making it this far ^^
Sidenote:
It was my birthday on the 26th of January. I was so lost that Facebook reminded me of that fact. A cycle of anxiety, depression and self loathing that I had completely lost track of the date. That scared me.