Scared of EVERY thought

[mismashful2]

Okay so at this moment, I'm having a very hard time.
Almost all of my friends are on holiday, skiing, but I'm at home because I can't ski.

I was drinking something with an old friend during lunch, and suddenly the thought 'all you're friends are gone, you're all alone' popped in my head. Then I started thinking 'you're all alone, so you must commit suicide now', but I'm like, really afraid of death? And then I try to reassure myself by saying 'you will be fine, you have a boyfriend who loves you', and then I suddenly think 'but you're not worth your boyfriend, you must commit suicide, you're a bad person!?

wtf is this? It's not that it are other voices, it's my own voice, but I'm freaking scared of those thoughts!!! Please answer quickly, because I'm lying paralyzed in bed.
It's like those thoughts are pushing me to commit suicide??

[OwenIsNotDoingSoHot]

Obsessive thoughts tend to lead on from one another and in many respects it allows you to come to some realizations about yourself, that perhaps you weren't acknowledging beforehand.

!! Don't get this twisted, suicidal thoughts are not normal, neither are they okay and I'm not suggesting that's the point that should be focused upon. !!

However, some of these thoughts are normal, feelings of inadequacy, what the future brings and loneliness. What I suggest, and by I'm no expert by any means, but for right now you should focus on calming yourself, getting to a point where you're more rational and capable of objective thought, in a heightened stressed state we think dumb things. That's the first thing. Second, if you feel as if you're in immediate danger of hurting yourself, or others I would make it a priority to seek some medical intervention, be that a doctors visit, or out of hours phone service. Third, I would discuss this with your significant other, if you're not comfortable with that then perhaps a family member?

The points you've brought up indicate normal anxieties, however to reiterate suicidal thoughts are not, that doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with you, but a doctors visit wouldn't go amiss!

All the best, and if you're in need of someone to vent to just drop me a message. - Owen

---------- Post added at 19:19 ---------- Previous post was at 19:08 ----------

Also, something I just noticed. You mentioned being scared of your thoughts, I can relate to that, and the way I overcame it and got a much more grounded point is I recognized that thoughts are very much a product of what we feed our minds. If we're constantly stressed, anxious or fearful we're feeding Diesel into a petrol engine, things are bound to go amiss.

I would try acknowledge these negative thoughts without an emotional attachment, I get that thoughts of inadequacy, fear or suicide are very emotionally charged but make an attempt to a passive observer of your thoughts instead of letting them dictate your emotions.

Example:
Thought... "I don't feel worthy of my partner, I suck"
Action... Thoughts of how you felt like this before, how distressing it is, wondering if it will go away, wondering what you'll do if they leave.
Emotion... Sadness, fear of him leaving, feelings of inadequacy.


Better example:
Thought... "I don't feel worthy of my partner, I suck"
Action... "I know this is just my anxiety, I understand that it will pass and I'm not going to give it any unnecessary attention.
Emotion... Pride(For having taken charge), hopefulness, lesser-fear, lesser-anxiety.

That's the idea anyway. It works for me, I'd give it a try :)

[mismashful2]

Thanks for your answer!
But it's not really that I randomly think 'i want to commit suicide', it's more like that I'm afraid to think negatively, because I'm afraid that implies that I will think about suicide, which makes me think more about it?

But I'm not sure if this is possible, or if this is really suicidal thoughts.

[OwenIsNotDoingSoHot]

That's an interesting notion. Lets take a a step back and think about whats really happening here. You're not so much afraid of suicide, but more the connotations of thinking about it? Which I so tactlessly detailed as a very bad thing, sorry about that. First off, negative thoughts are here to stay, they're part of life really. We can reduce them by introducing only positive vibes into our lives, which is a great tactic. Removing negativity. But at some point or another we need to tackle it. They're not bad, they're not good, they simply are.

Its our mindset preceding, approaching, during and post a negative thought that is important.
Preceding: If you adopt the mindset of "Oh **** if I might spill tea down myself there's going to be an autonomous voice that tells me to die, I mustn't ever spill tea" you're going to live a life full of fear. However, if you modify that thought process to something a little less resolute "Spilling tea is an annoyance, it's not the end of the world. There might be that voice, there might not be. However, I know it's a product of negative thoughts and not dangerous. You'll be less afraid of negativity.

Approaching: That time where you've had your thought, and you've got an expectation of whats to come. Similar to preceding, which is the vast majority of your time, it's about self affirmations and modifying offensive thought processes. Your basic self affirmation "I'm good, everything is good. We're all happy here". To modify a thought it's merely replacing it with something more constructive and conducive to positive vibes. "I may have a panic attack, or I might not, whats important is I know it's only temporary and will change with time".

During: Again, it's about identifying offending thoughts and modifying them. "you're all alone, so you must commit suicide now", that's not helpful. However, something more like "I've got a good, solid emotional support structure around me, I'm going to be just fine. I'm going to be just fine. I'm going to be just fine." Our brains love repetition and creating familiar pathways, create new better ones, or modify existing ones.

Post: After. Thoughts such as "That was sh*t I never want to experience that again isn't beneficially, in a weird counter-intuitive way. You should really be more accepting of your current condition, whatever it is. I'm feeling great, awesome. I'm feeling not so great, not so awesome but it will get better!

Perhaps the most important thing out of all of this is how important the language we use to describe ourselves is, because it's not just words. Every word has emotional connotations associated. We need to be vigilant and identify offensive language and modify accordingly.

Hope this helps :)

[Fishmanpa]

That's a lot like CBT. When I was getting some therapy for depression after my cancer, I did CBT4PANIC that was free here at the time. My therapist was all for it. The exercises had you break down your thoughts that way. It really was useful. I still use some of those techniques to help with everyday life situations that are stressful like work and such.

Good stuff and a very logical approach. It's hard work but worth it.

Positive thoughts

[Juggar]

Ive had thoughts like that randomly pop in my head. But I realized that its anxiety driven garbage thoughts. It is scary at first to experience this, thats for sure. I remember thinking something like what you thought. I was laying in bed an almost had an anxiety attack over it. Then I realized I would never act on those thoughts and they were simply garbage thoughts brought on by an anxious wandering mind.

The next time I had that thought it was scary, then the next time it was a little less scary and so on an so forth until I stopped even feeling anxious over it. I think you will find that this will happen for you!

---------- Post added at 18:29 ---------- Previous post was at 18:27 ----------


Thanks for your answer!
But it's not really that I randomly think 'i want to commit suicide', it's more like that I'm afraid to think negatively, because I'm afraid that implies that I will think about suicide, which makes me think more about it?

But I'm not sure if this is possible, or if this is really suicidal thoughts.

You are not suicidal, trust me on this. Its the fear of thinking negative thoughts that scares you. This is classic anxiety. I went through a phase like this when my anxiety came on.

An anxious mind will dream up all sorts of crazy "what if" scenarios and thoughts. Dont fight the thoughts, just accept them as garbage thoughts and move on.:)

[mismashful2]

First of all, I will try the technique that Owen posted here, although it will be very hard :(

And Jugger, the crazy thing is that they are not always 'what if' thoughts, sometimes it's just 'you have no friends, you should commit suicide', or 'you are all alone, you should commit suicide' (only writing this already makes me very anxious) and that fools with me even harder, because those are not the known 'what ifs' of anxiety.

And every time I'm genuinely laughing or having fun, I start thinking 'you don't deserve to be happy' and stuff like that, it's really devastating. (but always followed by that horrible knot in the stomach)

I'll have to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. I don't trust myself. I don't know what to do with these thoughts. I'm genuinely getting depressed I think.