OwenIsNotDoingSoHot
08-02-17, 02:17
This is a rambling post, be-warned!
Anxiety for me is an interesting experience, and I try not to attach an emotional quantifier to that term. It's not a bad experience, it's not a good one. It simply is. Its helped me learn a lot about how I handle stress, some damaging and evidently long lasting habits I have regarding trauma and to appreciate happiness wherever and whenever I encounter it. However, I think I'm not alone in stating that it's something I could do without.
Happiness. It's something I've been thinking about a lot recently, and that's predominantly because I'm not happy and I recognize that.
Now I'm not the loquacious type when it comes to talking about my own feelings, I find it much easier to talk about others and then reflect in my own time, with privacy. Privacy is a big thing for me. But I've found myself trying to think my way out of my current predicament, to define causality to symptoms and rationalize their existence, outside of the scope of anxiety. It always returns to a conscious thought regarding the significance, or lack thereof, of what anxiety can do to the mind, and body. I don't respect it. I don't appreciate what it is, the strength of it or its hold over me. I know that this is a mistake. I underestimated it and I think that's why I'm in the place that I am now.
I see thought processes as layered sensory input. Everything that we are. Every facet of our being. Our minds and "spirit" are structured, and restructured by our perceptual bias at any given time. How we interpret life around us strengthens, and adds to our layered perception thus besetting our consciousness. That scares me, and I'm in a position now where I'm actively scared of my own mind. In, from what I've read from others, a different way than is usually depicted on these forums. I'm scared because a key point of "getting better" is to stop checking. Stop checking yourself for physiological symptoms, stop checking for mental symptoms, i.e. Am I still anxious? Am I still depressed? But with the knowledge that we have so much control over our minds, and state of being, our happiness, to the point we can force it by adopting positive mental practices, such as filtering input and modifying thought, it concerns me. The reason it concerns me is a paradox between not checking, and ensuring that you're only feeding yourself good vibes, which is inherently an act of checking and that doesn't sound like that big of a deal now I've typed it out but it does leave a bad taste in my mouth because I've just now finally realized that I can never truly go back to a state of ignorance. I can never go back to how I was before, I will always be different for having experienced this. It will have changed me, and considering the difference in terms of how comparatively weak and fragile I am compared to how I was, it saddens me.
A lot of my unhappiness now, as I'm coming to realize, stems from expectations. From a vision of the future, and who I want to be, and perhaps accepting that it may be unobtainable. I want to live free of unhappiness, I want to go to sleep excited for what a new day might bring, I want to love and laugh and be happy. That's it. I want to be happy. I have an idea of the path I need to follow to obtain that, but in my current state I am awash of uncertainty. I need some of that ignorance I shed!
I don't know, I've had a questionable day and I was in need for feeling sorry for myself! ;)
Anxiety for me is an interesting experience, and I try not to attach an emotional quantifier to that term. It's not a bad experience, it's not a good one. It simply is. Its helped me learn a lot about how I handle stress, some damaging and evidently long lasting habits I have regarding trauma and to appreciate happiness wherever and whenever I encounter it. However, I think I'm not alone in stating that it's something I could do without.
Happiness. It's something I've been thinking about a lot recently, and that's predominantly because I'm not happy and I recognize that.
Now I'm not the loquacious type when it comes to talking about my own feelings, I find it much easier to talk about others and then reflect in my own time, with privacy. Privacy is a big thing for me. But I've found myself trying to think my way out of my current predicament, to define causality to symptoms and rationalize their existence, outside of the scope of anxiety. It always returns to a conscious thought regarding the significance, or lack thereof, of what anxiety can do to the mind, and body. I don't respect it. I don't appreciate what it is, the strength of it or its hold over me. I know that this is a mistake. I underestimated it and I think that's why I'm in the place that I am now.
I see thought processes as layered sensory input. Everything that we are. Every facet of our being. Our minds and "spirit" are structured, and restructured by our perceptual bias at any given time. How we interpret life around us strengthens, and adds to our layered perception thus besetting our consciousness. That scares me, and I'm in a position now where I'm actively scared of my own mind. In, from what I've read from others, a different way than is usually depicted on these forums. I'm scared because a key point of "getting better" is to stop checking. Stop checking yourself for physiological symptoms, stop checking for mental symptoms, i.e. Am I still anxious? Am I still depressed? But with the knowledge that we have so much control over our minds, and state of being, our happiness, to the point we can force it by adopting positive mental practices, such as filtering input and modifying thought, it concerns me. The reason it concerns me is a paradox between not checking, and ensuring that you're only feeding yourself good vibes, which is inherently an act of checking and that doesn't sound like that big of a deal now I've typed it out but it does leave a bad taste in my mouth because I've just now finally realized that I can never truly go back to a state of ignorance. I can never go back to how I was before, I will always be different for having experienced this. It will have changed me, and considering the difference in terms of how comparatively weak and fragile I am compared to how I was, it saddens me.
A lot of my unhappiness now, as I'm coming to realize, stems from expectations. From a vision of the future, and who I want to be, and perhaps accepting that it may be unobtainable. I want to live free of unhappiness, I want to go to sleep excited for what a new day might bring, I want to love and laugh and be happy. That's it. I want to be happy. I have an idea of the path I need to follow to obtain that, but in my current state I am awash of uncertainty. I need some of that ignorance I shed!
I don't know, I've had a questionable day and I was in need for feeling sorry for myself! ;)