View Full Version : How to move on from a relationship
I'll keep this short as I usually go on (and on).
Basically for those who know my situation I've been living separately from my partner (ex partner really, just feels really weird saying that). A few weeks ago I decided I was no longer going to be the one who tries to keep us together.
The difficult thing is that my partner will not agree to a trial separation and says he doesn't want to separate permanently. It's very frustrating as I don't want to end things in case he really doesn't want to, but likewise he won't talk about 'us' and everytime I mention it I'm met with silence. Also he isn't coming over as often and we haven't even been to so much as the town for weeks. It's like he's pushing me out of his life but is pretending he doesn't want to.
I know I need to try to move on and for around 2-3 weeks have been trying to do that, but it's excruciating. Also I feel I'm not, nor will ever be worthy of another man and that makes me feel horrible. I have body image issues which will undoubtedly prevent me from forming a new relationship.
His behaviour is abusive. He is subtly controlling you.
KeeKee,
I know it's hard when you've got body image issues - been there. I know all too well, too, how they can control you and throw you down into a nasty depression where caring about anything is a massive effort. Add that in with someone just throwing your effort back in your face and you can get stuck in a very low place for a very long time.
You need to gather up whatever energy you have left and tell him if he's not going to work with you, you're done. I'm betting he won't, and I think it's high time you've left this jerkoff anyway. But that's just my opinion based on what you've written here.
You need to find a way to make your life YOURS again. You are still young and you have a long life ahead of you - the choice is yours whether you want to make it a good one or not.
Start with getting a BDD diagnosis and figuring out how you're going to approach therapy and get some help.
In the meantime, and beyond that, find ways to make your life a little brighter and get excited about things again. Maybe you can do a little DIY project or rearrange a room to get a whole new feel. Redecorate. Buy some new clothes. Go on a long hike or a short vacation. Literally do ANYTHING that you think might make you feel better, brighter, more put-together, happier, whatever.
Mental illness is a crappy thing to have to deal with, terrible people are horrible to deal with, you haven't had it very easy and I'm sorry for that. But there is a time where you do have to figure out how YOU are going to make changes for YOU.
Kuatir do you really think he's controlling? I'm not disagreeing just genuinely curious. I did once read that silent treatment is emotional abuse if it's significant.
Poppy. Thanks again for replying to my posts.
I have told him in my eyes we're separate whether he wants to believe that or not. He either doesn't believe me or doesn't care.
I recently went to the GP who directly told me I do have BDD and that the people I've dealt with already should have already been helping me with it rather than just giving me standard cbt. He did mention referring me to somebody but as I'm also struggling with my daughter lately I'm not sure if he meant for my BDD or in regards to my struggles with her (I was told when doing cbt before they don't recommend 2 different treatments at once).
Either way is a start though so I'm not bothered which first.
I have bought myself a couple of decent pairs of jeans lately, they're a good fit too, money is tight at the moment though with the potential to get even worse as I'm appealing a benefits decision at the moment, but I'm trying to get a few basic, yet nice items of clothing in, just in case I do lose that appeal.
I truly don't know what would lift my mood, I used to be such an easily pleased individual. A good book, decent TV programme or videogame and I was set. But now I find it so hard to concentrate on books and television (although I have a few unread books on my e-reader so will get round to reading them soon) and all my videogames I've played to death (I only have various mario games, I do have one I've never played before that I could start).
I also have feelings of deep guilt towards him too as I wasn't the best girlfriend around. I shouldn't really as he wasn't perfect but just wonder if there is something I've done to make him be that way.
I'd say so, yeah. He has moved out and barely sees you, but isn't committing to a trial separation. He doesn't want to separate completely, but doesn't want to talk about it? Then, because of all this you feel stuck in limbo. Are we, aren't we. I want to move on, I think but I don't want to if he doesn't want to, which I don't know if he does or not.
Take control, move on. If he cares he'll start talking, but you should be careful of falling back into the same situation; make him prove it with his actions. If he doesn't then you can begin to move on, however hard that may be.
Kuatir is bang on the money for me.
You're not really in a dilemma, in fact you've made a great decision.
If he wants to keep you, he'll show it. If he doesn't he won't, and you can start to move on properly.
I've been on the other end of the stick, where my Ex pulled the plug, and I definitely showed her how much I wanted to keep together.
She just didn't care!
When you've been properly rid of him for a while, your body image will improve massively. Trust me :)
I just typed a reply and clicked off the page grrr!
Kuatir limbo is exactly what I used to describe my situation the other day when texting a friend. It's a perfect example of how I'm feeling.
I've given up trying to make the effort. Trying to compromise etc and you are right, if he cares he'll start talking.
SLA, I myself have tried to show him how much I wanted to stay together. I offered to change if he could just tell me what I'd been doing but he'd never be able to point out any of my wrongdoings.
I suspect, like your ex he will not care either. I'm so sorry you had to go through that and honestly don't know how you stay so positive. It's cliché but you are definitely better off without her.
I do feel the need to add that he isn't entirely selfish and through the years did do a lot for me, he would always go to the shop for me etc and when living with us took our daughter to school every single day as he knew how much of a struggle it was for me. He is still picking the cat food up from the shops (in lieu of giving me money for our daughter), he'll get me a bit shopping when he finishes work. This doesn't excuse his behaviour, I just don't want people to think I think he's wholly to blame and I'm perfect as I don't think that, I'm not easy to live with especially in recent years when my BDD has reached breaking point.
Another thought I've had is that a while back a friend suggested he was purposefully sabotaging the relationship, I wonder if he's pretending he doesn't want to separate (whilst making no effort) so if it comes up in future conversation he can blame me for us separating. So he doesn't have to feel like th bad one, like I'm feeling right now.
---------- Post added at 17:21 ---------- Previous post was at 17:20 ----------
When you've been properly rid of him for a while, your body image will improve massively. Trust me :)
I hope so, however I had BDD before I even met him so I'm not too sure. Although admittedly it wasn't unbearable then just life restricting and I guess that's better than thinking no man would ever want me :D
Yep me too. Don't let it drag on 35 years like I did
It seems a bit like part of you still hopes that your leaving him will spark him to change.
Hard as it is, you need to stop caring what he thinks or does. It's time to live for you. If he wants to try to change in the future, fine, but you need to go into this separation with the mentality that he's NOT going to change.
Don't look at it like you were the one who "sabotaged the relationship" but rather that you made a healthy choice to cut off the thing that was poisoning you. Who gives a damn what he thinks, anyway.
You got this, KeeKee. Find your life and don't look back.
KeeKee I would have said the same as Kuatir So please DONT invest any more time with him he is waste of space you call the shot and give him a ultimateum if he doesn't deliver move on yes it will be lonely for a while but not for ever he doesn't want you to be happy and wants to keep you where you are right now, come on KeeKee switch the light on and wake up Please :hugs:XX Cheers
Thanks again poppy. I have for a long time wished he'd change when I gave him an ultimatum. However time and time again he hasn't give a crap and I've basically allowed things to go back to normal.
This time I definitely won't. I'm terrified of being single but I'd rather that than be ignored and treated with no respect. With us living separately since August it's also made things easier as I've been alone most nights anyway. Plus my depression is always somewhat easier to deal with on a night so even if I'm alone I just feel better knowing I'm approaching bedtime.
I know I'll get through this, I just wish things could have ended in a more pleasant way.
---------- Post added at 20:38 ---------- Previous post was at 20:32 ----------
Thanks again Bigboy. I know what you mean. I know things will get easier, we separated before for 5 months and time did help ease the pain.
I know I'm not the only lonely person in the world. I just really want to settle down. I know it's a really negative way to think I just keep thinking I'll be alone, maybe not forever but for a very long time. I haven't had a 'physical' relationship for years now. Was really hoping to change that. But guess I just need to move on and accept that's not going to happen. At least not for a while.
Thanks again poppy. I have for a long time wished he'd change when I gave him an ultimatum. However time and time again he hasn't give a crap and I've basically allowed things to go back to normal.
This time I definitely won't. I'm terrified of being single but I'd rather that than be ignored and treated with no respect. With us living separately since August it's also made things easier as I've been alone most nights anyway. Plus my depression is always somewhat easier to deal with on a night so even if I'm alone I just feel better knowing I'm approaching bedtime.
I know I'll get through this, I just wish things could have ended in a more pleasant way.
---------- Post added at 20:38 ---------- Previous post was at 20:32 ----------
Thanks again Bigboy. I know what you mean. I know things will get easier, we separated before for 5 months and time did help ease the pain.
I know I'm not the only lonely person in the world. I just really want to settle down. I know it's a really negative way to think I just keep thinking I'll be alone, maybe not forever but for a very long time. I haven't had a 'physical' relationship for years now. Was really hoping to change that. But guess I just need to move on and accept that's not going to happen. At least not for a while. You certainly aren't join the club!! And on the other thing neither have I! You start being kind to your self Changes will happen XX Cheers
Thanks bigboy. Hopefully they will. Just feels really sad to think I'm supposed to be in the prime of my life and don't even have anybody to share it with. This was a big fear too, my partner and I sticking it out for years (which we did) and then having to go back into the scary world to meet somebody else, when we could have done it years ago. I know you should never say never, I just truly can't see why anybody would want to be with me. Not just because of my BDD, I also hate my personality.
I've been told I need to love myself then others will love me, but how can you love somebody you don't like?
I'm sure this breakup is probably just making me feel worse and once I can accept it and move forward I'll feel a little better. Just getting there will be hard, especially as I have more responsibility than ever before with him not living with me anymore.
I'm potentially facing severe financial difficulties too. I know I shouldn't worry until the time comes, I just genuinely don't know how I'll get by if it comes to that.
Thanks bigboy. Hopefully they will. Just feels really sad to think I'm supposed to be in the prime of my life and don't even have anybody to share it with. This was a big fear too, my partner and I sticking it out for years (which we did) and then having to go back into the scary world to meet somebody else, when we could have done it years ago. I know you should never say never, I just truly can't see why anybody would want to be with me. Not just because of my BDD, I also hate my personality.
I've been told I need to love myself then others will love me, but how can you love somebody you don't like?
I'm sure this breakup is probably just making me feel worse and once I can accept it and move forward I'll feel a little better. Just getting there will be hard, especially as I have more responsibility than ever before with him not living with me anymore.
I'm potentially facing severe financial difficulties too. I know I shouldn't worry until the time comes, I just genuinely don't know how I'll get by if it comes to that. Are you know getting help for your BDD yet? I would also seek help re you not liking your personality you cant just sit on it thinking it will get better on its own, it wont! the break up will affect you for sure just be ready to talk on here about it and through any other channels you hopefully will set up for yourself :) As for financial problems you may be entitled to some benefits so would call Citizens Advice they are very good and helpful :) Good luck once again KeeKee XX
MyNameIsTerry
10-02-17, 00:11
I don't think he is controlling, your description of him has always told me he is disinterested, takes you for granted, still see himself as a single man with no commitments, etc.
Ultimately it can be abusive but I'm wary of that. I have a suspicion that he sees your relationship very differently to you and that he may see there is nothing wrong with it. His hanging on is questionable. But without telling you he got himself a new place, didn't he? So, it's not like he is planning to come back as he doesn't seem to be trying?
You have to do what is right for you and your child. If he won't respond to all these attempts, there has to be a line. Of be won't respond to that, he may never.
Your BDD is telling you that you will be single forever but don't forget we men can be insecure and have our baggage too. You could strike up a friendship that over time turns into two soul mates finding each other. Not all men are uber confident as stereotypes tend to portray and have similar worries to you, that doesn't mean to minimise your BDD struggles though it's just to remember there may be opportunities for you that you are not realising right now.
KeeKee,
I lived with someone who was cruel to me.
He didn't want to speak to me, hardly saw him, went out with his mates and just made me generally not wanted.
I put up with it because I was in a bad place at the time with nowhere to go and also suffering financially.
I was sad every day and every day I thought it would get better and it didn't!
In the end I chose to end the relationship and he didn't try to change my mind.
I thought stupidly he would, but deep down I really knew the truth, but wasn't facing up to it.
I though I would not be able to cope or find someone else, but I did on both counts.
What I am saying, is don't be scared.
This relationship is going nowhere and making you very sad.
I also suffer with my self esteem, but I still managed to find a better life.
I'm here is you need me. x :hugs:
I don't think he is controlling, your description of him has always told me he is disinterested, takes you for granted, still see himself as a single man with no commitments, etc.
Ultimately it can be abusive but I'm wary of that. I have a suspicion that he sees your relationship very differently to you and that he may see there is nothing wrong with it. His hanging on is questionable. But without telling you be got himself a new place, didn't he? So, it's not like he is planning to come back as be doesn't seem to be trying?
You have to do what is right for you and your child. If he won't respond to all these attempts, there has to be a line. Of be won't respond to that, he may never.
Your BDD is telling you that you will be single forever but don't forget we men can be insecure and have our baggage too. You could strike up a friendship that over time turns into two soul mates finding each other. Not all men are user confident as stereotypes tend to portray and have similar worries to you, that doesn't mean to minimise your BDD struggles though it's just to remember there may be opportunities for you that you are not realising right now.Of |Course we do Baggage I thought that something you found at a airport LOL/ A question for KeeKee has he always been like this towards you? Or has there been a gradual change in his behaviour towards you? I still think he is controlling Keekee oh I don't want a permanent break up my money is on the fact he is trying very cunningly to keep KeeKee where he wants her or he is mentaly ill himself?? I think it's the former in this case. Either way it's not good for KeeKee. Cheers
---------- Post added at 08:37 ---------- Previous post was at 08:34 ----------
KeeKee you say you have a couple of pairs of new Jeans hey that's great, just buy a few things every week or 2 and throw the old stuff out or give to a charity shop. You may not know it, but you are making changes in the right direction already :) Cheers
Isn't it the old classic of, 'I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you? '
Sorry if that sounds so harsh, but his behaviour points to that IMO.
You know me KeeKee and I hv been following this situation with you for a while now.
You sound such a lovely person and you deserve more!!! x
You would not have started this thread, if you had any doubts.
Thank you all for replying.
Bigboy a referral was mentioned at my appointment the other day but I'm not sure if it's in relation to my BDD or my relationship with my daughter as I mentioned that to my GP too.
As for benefits, it's because I've been told I'm fit for work by DWP and an currently appealing it. If I win the appeal I'll be fine, however if I lose I really won't be. I'm currently on JSA whilst I'm awaiting my appeal info then I can go back onto ESA temporarily.
I don't think he has any mental issues himself, he doesn't understand depression at all and used to tell me I was using it as an excuse etc. I don't know what he's upto, all I know is I've reached my limit. He has always been this way but not as severe, he's always given me the silent treatment whenever we've had an argument or relationship discussion. This usually turns into me getting frustrated which then kind of justifies his silent treatment with him claiming I'm purposefully trying to argue. He used to walk out on me if we had a proper argument, even when I was pregnant, when our daughter was a baby, when I used to work and we'd have an argument, he would take our daughter to his Mams and sleep there with her. He's never really give a crap about what I think.
I'm not bossy or anything but I've said a few things that I'm definitely not having him do and he does them anyway. They are things like, not getting another pet, which he did anyway and then told me I was a hypocrite for rehoming it (as i was left to look after it and couldn't handle the extra stress, we already have 3 cats) as I hate it when people get rid of their animals for silly things. So he got it against my wishes when I'd literally begged him not to, then made me feel really guilty for getting rid if it. It was absolutely adorable and I spent days crying afterwards because i felt like I'd abandoned it ha!
Yeah I'm going to get an item of clothing with each JSA, then if I do lose my money that's one less thing to worry about.
Kuatir limbo is exactly what I used to describe my situation the other day when texting a friend. It's a perfect example of how I'm feeling.
I've given up trying to make the effort. Trying to compromise etc and you are right, if he cares he'll start talking.
It's tough, especially as you can remember the times he has been great, but people can and do move apart. A relationship needs effort from both sides to keep working. You have so much to work on yourself and the relationship, I think, is stopping you from doing that.
Terry yes I'd definitely say he sees himself as a single man, I don't believe he's seeing other women or anything as he doesn't seem interested in that, all he wants to do is spend every waking minute on his game. He starts work very early and still stays up until early hours playing his game, then when he does come here, he's dozing off so we don't even get to see him really anyway. No he didn't tell me about the house and you're right, he it's not like he's planning on coming back.
I know there could still be somebody out there for me, I'm sure on the surface I'd be able to meet somebody (I hate my looks etc but know I'm not ugly and not all men go just for looks anyway), it's just so hard to believe anybody will like me for me.
Then I'm worried people will accuse me of rushing into things if I did meet somebody, even though my relationship has been dead for years, we did kiss and cuddle and I could tell him anything, but it always felt one sided.
My last therapist said maybe I just haven't met anybody like me (friend or boyfriend) and when I do I might like myself more. I feel like an outsider, I have very odd tastes in music and TV, I think I've mentioned before I'm a massive fan of Linkin Park, however having went to one of their concerts I'm NOTHING like their regular fans. I even got called a chav. I just feel like I don't belong anywhere and honestly wish I could just meet a male version of me. However I know that it's still possible. I know there could be somebody just like me out there. It's finding them that's the hard part.
Thank you all for replying.
Bigboy a referral was mentioned at my appointment the other day but I'm not sure if it's in relation to my BDD or my relationship with my daughter as I mentioned that to my GP too.
As for benefits, it's because I've been told I'm fit for work by DWP and an currently appealing it. If I win the appeal I'll be fine, however if I lose I really won't be. I'm currently on JSA whilst I'm awaiting my appeal info then I can go back onto ESA temporarily.
I don't think he has any mental issues himself, he doesn't understand depression at all and used to tell me I was using it as an excuse etc. I don't know what he's upto, all I know is I've reached my limit. He has always been this way but not as severe, he's always given me the silent treatment whenever we've had an argument or relationship discussion. This usually turns into me getting frustrated which then kind of justifies his silent treatment with him claiming I'm purposefully trying to argue. He used to walk out on me if we had a proper argument, even when I was pregnant, when our daughter was a baby, when I used to work and we'd have an argument, he would take our daughter to his Mams and sleep there with her. He's never really give a crap about what I think.
I'm not bossy or anything but I've said a few things that I'm definitely not having him do and he does them anyway. They are things like, not getting another pet, which he did anyway and then told me I was a hypocrite for rehoming it (as i was left to look after it and couldn't handle the extra stress, we already have 3 cats) as I hate it when people get rid of their animals for silly things. So he got it against my wishes when I'd literally begged him not to, then made me feel really guilty for getting rid if it. It was absolutely adorable and I spent days crying afterwards because i felt like I'd abandoned it ha!
Yeah I'm going to get an item of clothing with each JSA, then if I do lose my money that's one less thing to worry about. In that case you need to ask specifically what the referral is for :) Then that's one less thing
too worry about! Hey we all say things in the heat of the moment so no harm done there. Yes I too hate it when folk get rid of their pets like over shedding of hair things like that it's beggars belief. The other thing he has got you where he wants you and is using your daughter to pull at the heart strings iam afraid you know that I know that. You are moving on now which is good :) XX Cheers
Carnation I'm sorry you had to endure that and happy you got out. Yes this relationship is definitely going nowhere. My family have been saying it for years but I was hoping to prove them wrong. And the I don't want you, but don't want anybody else to have you has come up in conversation with a relative too so you could be right there. I know you've been reading my posts for a while, I really appreciate it and all the advice you have given me
Thank you for you kind words and yep, I do deserve more. This time I haven't been texting him (I do send the odd text but nothing that would indicate we're together), I've told him I'd collect our daughter from school so he didn't have to come etc and he hasn't seemed bothered, even though in the past I'd go crawling back to him after a day of silent treatment. I know deep down he isn't interested. It's just so hard to accept it and move on when we have shared all the things we have shared together. But that's life isn't it.
I agree with that Kuatir.
What he is actually doing, is making you weak. :(
It's not like you are never going to see him anymore, because he is the father if your child, but yr mindset has to change and you have to stop putting your life on hold for him.
It is suffocating you and causing you vast smounts of depression.
I hate to think of you so sad like this and you have enough on your plate without this hanging ovet you like a black cloud.
In a way, he is in control and calling all the shots.
IMO, you need to start making your own decisions snd in return, he will have one big wake up call.
KeeKee, do you reslly want this scenario for the rest of your life?
As I said before, I sm hete and you have great support from others on here. x
Kuatir yes it definitely takes effort from both sides and for around 18 months to 2 years now it's felt like my partner was acting differently. Maybe he was giving up and I was too scared to see it. I also agree that the relationship could be preventing me from sorting my other issues out.
---------- Post added at 09:48 ---------- Previous post was at 09:46 ----------
Yes bigboy I've also seen things such as 'I'm starting work and won't have time for my cat', even though cats are solitary creatures anyway. Ours love a good stroke but spend most or their time asleep on their blankets.
Why don't you join a 'Linkin Park Fan Club'.
You may meet someone through that. :) x
---------- Post added at 09:53 ---------- Previous post was at 09:50 ----------
KeeKee, you know I am the same about my appearance, we spoke before in great detail.
Well, what I sm saying is, I met someone else, just for me, like you said. x
Thanks again Carnation and I do believe he is (not necessarily on purpose) making me weak. I mentioned us moving on and meeting other people and he even said something like 'you never go out anyway' as if he was so sure I wouldn't meet anybody. The good thing is since August we have gone from him being here everyday, coming everywhere with us (when he wasn't working) and taking her to school everyday, to seeing him less and less as the weeks go by. So it's not like it's a massive shock to the system.
Even on Xmas eve we didn't see him until around 7 as he'd been out drinking the night before and spent the whole day in bed, even though we were meant to be spending the whole day together. By the time he came over my daughter wanted to go to bed and watch her Christmas dvd. He couldn't even put her first on Christmas Eve.
I guess guilt is making me feel worse maybe as I've always had issues with guilt. I need to realise I haven't really done anything wrong and it's my guilty nature making me feel this way.
Plus there is the http://www.nolongerlonley.com site you could take a look at too :)
Thanks again Carnation I'll look into that. It's probably as stereotypical as them calling me a chav (which I'm not) but I imagine all Linkin Park fans to be emos or head bangers. They're probably not really, just as I'm not a chav.
---------- Post added at 10:01 ---------- Previous post was at 09:57 ----------
I did a quick Google search bigboy and is that a dating site? I'm not quite ready for that yet. I'm going to first and foremost attempt to at least improve my self esteem and get myself into work, then hopefully things will start improving from there. I'm finding it hard to accept all the responsibilities I now have, I'll need to just get on with it but feels like I've been thrown into the deep end if I'm honest.
Thanks again Carnation I'll look into that. It's probably as stereotypical as them calling me a chav (which I'm not) but I imagine all Linkin Park fans to be emos or head bangers. They're probably not really, just as I'm not a chav.
---------- Post added at 10:01 ---------- Previous post was at 09:57 ----------
I did a quick Google search bigboy and is that a dating site? I'm not quite ready for that yet. I'm going to first and foremost attempt to at least improve my self esteem and get myself into work, then hopefully things will start improving from there. I'm finding it hard to accept all the responsibilities I now have, I'll need to just get on with it but feels like I've been thrown into the deep end if I'm honest. It is, but there may be section on there for just friends or even if there isn't and you say did register you could always put something in your add that you are currently looking for friendship but may be more at a later date. I too don't think I could handle a romantic liason right now even though it would be nice and would happily settle for a good friendship. any day of the week so at least have a look around the site and check a few ads out to see what other members have put You just never know! Plus your ex will have to get on with it knowing you have moved on :) Cheers
MyNameIsTerry
10-02-17, 15:52
Terry yes I'd definitely say he sees himself as a single man, I don't believe he's seeing other women or anything as he doesn't seem interested in that, all he wants to do is spend every waking minute on his game. He starts work very early and still stays up until early hours playing his game, then when he does come here, he's dozing off so we don't even get to see him really anyway. No he didn't tell me about the house and you're right, he it's not like he's planning on coming back.
I know there could still be somebody out there for me, I'm sure on the surface I'd be able to meet somebody (I hate my looks etc but know I'm not ugly and not all men go just for looks anyway), it's just so hard to believe anybody will like me for me.
Then I'm worried people will accuse me of rushing into things if I did meet somebody, even though my relationship has been dead for years, we did kiss and cuddle and I could tell him anything, but it always felt one sided.
My last therapist said maybe I just haven't met anybody like me (friend or boyfriend) and when I do I might like myself more. I feel like an outsider, I have very odd tastes in music and TV, I think I've mentioned before I'm a massive fan of Linkin Park, however having went to one of their concerts I'm NOTHING like their regular fans. I even got called a chav. I just feel like I don't belong anywhere and honestly wish I could just meet a male version of me. However I know that it's still possible. I know there could be somebody just like me out there. It's finding them that's the hard part.
Yeah, you get dicks like that at venues. It just shows you how people are ignorant. They expect if you are into a certain music that you have to wear all the gear too.
I can remember me & my best mate used to go to a rock nightclub straight from work after a pub crawl. We would be in suits. You get funny looks off some idiots. One bloke said something to my mate about being fake but we had a good laugh when my mate rolled up his sleeve to reveal a full forearm tatt of Sepultura's logo. The bloke looked like a rabbit in headlights and just walked off. :yesyes:
I don't wear the gear. I like a widespread range of music. Linkin Park are on my list. My GF likes them too and she's more an outdoor type so dresses more that way.
See yourself as an individual. They are the sheep. If they want to dress that way, good on them, but doing it because they feel they have to and chiding others who don't is being a sheep. I used to wear the raver gear, when I was a young lad into the scene. I grew out of the music though as Ministry of Sound influenced into bland dance music, the scene just died as that happened.
Your bloke may be abusive, relationships are not an area I'm that experienced in. He just reminds me of people I've known who are really living in their own heads and are oblivious to the feelings of others, yet don't do it intentionally because they have always been that way. If he hasn't, I would say it's not this and more just taking for granted.
Either way, if it's not for you then you have to decide whether you want another X number of decades of it or that chance at something better.
Catherine S
10-02-17, 16:04
Sometimes you just have to let people go. Everyone who comes into our life is meant to be part of it, part of our journey, but not all of them are meant to stay until the end. Your Prince Charming is out there, give him time, he might just be stuck up a tree or something.
ISB ☺ x
KeeKee if that's all you ex does is play a game quite a lot, then comes round your house then sleeps it off that's certainly no life for you is it!!? Cheers
He's your little girl's Dad so you'll always have that connection with him if she chooses to stay in contact with him when she's older.
It just seems to me as if he's a great weight around your neck and it might be quite liberating for you to throw off the shackles and grow some confidence in your own ability to live perfectly well without him, despite your BDD..
KeeKee Actually that site I posted is also to make new friends as well! I am going to get registered my self :) Its free and you have so many free tokens every month you can use to make new friends/relationships so that's a bonus too :) Cheers
I totally agree Terry. I'm a bit nervous admitting I like Linkin Park to people as they then usually say things such as "You don't look like you listen to Linkin Park", so I don't usually state my interests to people, other than close friends of course and my family know my tastes in music. A few relatives think it's depressing music but I truly think it's the opposite, however I find some recent music makes me feel pretty miserable such as Bruno Mars, so it just shows we are all different. I just feel like I'm always the odd one out, I'm the only person I know in my age group (in 'real life') who reads books, I like Columbo ha, I'm a crazy cat lady, the weird list goes on (I know I'm not really weird, I am just nothing like most people I know around my age).
Yes my partner has always been that way, it's increased somewhat recently but he hasn't really changed much, I feel like he's possibly been doing things he didn't want to do rather than just say no and has eventually become angry and then pretty much refused to do anything. He gave up on housework and the likes years ago which caused massive arguments as I was 'petty' for asking him to stop leaving dirty dishes lying around.I think the relationship has run it's course, it got to the point where just asking him to change the litter (he did the cat litter, I fed the cats) made him angry and he even told me the more I ask him to do things the more he'll put it off, so it was as though I wasn't allowed to ask for help. He stopped disciplining our daughter, helping to make her meals etc. It seemed like he just completely gave up. I want him to be happy too but he could have just told me how he felt as I've spent years having to guess what he feels like as he won't tell me. I definitely don't want this for another decade. I've already told him I'm trying to move on now and that it would make things easier if he could just agree to that too but 'he can't'. But I just can't be bothered anymore. He doesn't even reply to half my texts or anything. I truly have given up.
ISB, you're right, I do think I just have to let him go. Hopefully one day I'll find that Prince Charming.
Bigboy yes his life is his game, that or falling asleep. When I used to get angry as he was constantly falling asleep due to being up late on the game he used to get annoyed and tell me it's because I'm boring and he's bored.
Pulisa I agree he's like a weight around my neck. Whilst I won't blame him for my issues, he has certainly made me feel lower than I ever would have had I been single years ago. A relative once told me he was the downfall of me. I don't believe he's ever tried to hurt me on purpose or anything but it's not healthy for either of us.
Ah I see Bigboy, I'll have a look on if I want to make online friends.
Thank you all so much for replying to me yet again.
I didn't come on last night as he was here and it made me feel worse. I'm okish when I don't see him but as soon as he's here and is being nice it makes me second guess my decision which I know would be stupid. It's better for us both to be out of this relationship and maybe my relationship with my daughter could improve too.
MyNameIsTerry
11-02-17, 11:24
You call the shots, KeeKee. It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to agree to move on, he doesn't get a choice once he's out of the house! If he continues to refuse to pick his stuff up (I remember something about that being clutter?) then it becomes ultimatums eventually. What else can you do if he won't do the right thing?
He just plays his game. Lives in his dream world with his mates online. It's said that he will probably miss out on his daughter but other than continuing to remind him, I don't know what else you could do there if he drifts away. She will learn what he is like eventually, although it's going to hurt her but other than tie shackles to him and drag him everywhere, what you can do?
I've said for ages to you that he needs a massive kick up the ar5e. You've give him a taste of reality and he still continues to act this way. He may have been like that before but at what point does the bloke not think "what about my daughter?". He may have changed in his feelings towards you but either give it a go for you all or move on and keep things amicable and look after his daughter. He just seems oblivious to it all and it must be maddening?
Music like Linkin Park gets me fired up. It's good when doing something like when I'm out or when I used to work out with the weights. I don't get how they think it's depressing, it's not exactly Nick Cave! Korn, System Of A Down, etc is good music to get moving too.
You call the shots, KeeKee. It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to agree to move on, he doesn't get a choice once he's out of the house! If he continues to refuse to pick his stuff up (I remember something about that being clutter?) then it becomes ultimatums eventually. What else can you do if he won't do the right thing?
He just plays his game. Lives in his dream world with his mates online. It's said that he will probably miss out on his daughter but other than continuing to remind him, I don't know what else you could do there if he drifts away. She will learn what he is like eventually, although it's going to hurt her but other than tie shackles to him and drag him everywhere, what you can do?
I've said for ages to you that he needs a massive kick up the ar5e. You've give him a taste of reality and he still continues to act this way. He may have been like that before but at what point does the bloke not think "what about my daughter?". He may have changed in his feelings towards you but either give it a go for you all or move on and keep things amicable and look after his daughter. He just seems oblivious to it all and it must be maddening?
Music like Linkin Park gets me fired up. It's good when doing something like when I'm out or when I used to work out with the weights. I don't get how they think it's depressing, it's not exactly Nick Cave! Korn, System Of A Down, etc is good music to get moving too. Terry is spot on and even I have said previously you call the shots, not him so Terry confirms what I have already said to you :) Why did you let him in the house it's only giving you false hope not good IMHO :) So again move on how dare he says you are boring I mean has he recently suggested you both go out for a meal a drink a walk etc I can guess the answer which is NO!! it's not going to happen no more txting him it's only bringing you down and is keeping you trapped in his own little world!!! I actually think it would do you the world of good to have a look at that site just for new friends who are in the same boat you have nothing to lose as said before you are waisting your time on him what ever he says or does now should confirm that :) XX Cheers
Yes terry he still has a bit clutter here. He has got quite a bit out especially the small things it's just things that he can't really carry on public transport. He has a fish tank that I've no idea how to get over to his. Not the tank itself but the fish, I've asked a relative if they'd give him a lift as they could drive more carefully than a bus but they didn't seem keen. There are approx 50 fish so we can't just shove them all in a small container and they're tropical so need a heater etc so he can't just take a few over here and there. It's such a hassle.
I do wish if his feelings had changed he'd just have tell me. I had told him many years ago if he ever felt he was with me just because he didn't want to hurt me then I'd rather know as it would hurt a lot more in the long run.
Yes Linkin Park gets me fired up too. In a good mood way, not "I want to fight" like some comments I've read on YouTube haha, it also helps that I've got a bit of a thing for the lead singer hehe. I've never listened to the likes of Korn etc, I do like a bit Sum 41, I'm not sure if it's the same style but mainly there upbeat songs like in too deep or what we're all about.
Bigboy you are right and nope, no asking if I fancy a meal or anything. I have to text him sometimes though I can't never text him, for example if I need cat food I'll text him to get it when he finishes work (he works in a supermarket), plus I need to know when he's at work to know who's collecting our daughter. If my daughter is acting up I'll also text him as a way to release the tension as I truly don't know how else to put up with it. The reason he was here last night was because he picked her up from school and the only time he really sees her is when he comes here for a cuppa after he's collected her. I don't text him about 'us' anymore there's no more goodnight texts etc and hasn't been for weeks now. Even if he does love me. Even on the rare chance he truly doesn't want to separate, I know he will not change. I know he won't put effort in etc. So I know I need to move on. He didn't try to kiss me for the first time last night also so he obviously knows I'm being serious this time. I know I'll get over it eventually, I know I will. Everybody gets over a breakup, plus there was no cheating or anything which makes it easier. It's just so difficult to adjust. There are worse things but I've always been petrified of being a single parent.
I think you've been a single parent for ages now, though?
Yes terry he still has a bit clutter here. He has got quite a bit out especially the small things it's just things that he can't really carry on public transport. He has a fish tank that I've no idea how to get over to his. Not the tank itself but the fish, I've asked a relative if they'd give him a lift as they could drive more carefully than a bus but they didn't seem keen. There are approx 50 fish so we can't just shove them all in a small container and they're tropical so need a heater etc so he can't just take a few over here and there. It's such a hassle.
I do wish if his feelings had changed he'd just have tell me. I had told him many years ago if he ever felt he was with me just because he didn't want to hurt me then I'd rather know as it would hurt a lot more in the long run.
Yes Linkin Park gets me fired up too. In a good mood way, not "I want to fight" like some comments I've read on YouTube haha, it also helps that I've got a bit of a thing for the lead singer hehe. I've never listened to the likes of Korn etc, I do like a bit Sum 41, I'm not sure if it's the same style but mainly there upbeat songs like in too deep or what we're all about.
Bigboy you are right and nope, no asking if I fancy a meal or anything. I have to text him sometimes though I can't never text him, for example if I need cat food I'll text him to get it when he finishes work (he works in a supermarket), plus I need to know when he's at work to know who's collecting our daughter. If my daughter is acting up I'll also text him as a way to release the tension as I truly don't know how else to put up with it. The reason he was here last night was because he picked her up from school and the only time he really sees her is when he comes here for a cuppa after he's collected her. I don't text him about 'us' anymore there's no more goodnight texts etc and hasn't been for weeks now. Even if he does love me. Even on the rare chance he truly doesn't want to separate, I know he will not change. I know he won't put effort in etc. So I know I need to move on. He didn't try to kiss me for the first time last night also so he obviously knows I'm being serious this time. I know I'll get over it eventually, I know I will. Everybody gets over a breakup, plus there was no cheating or anything which makes it easier. It's just so difficult to adjust. There are worse things but I've always been petrified of being a single parent. That is a lot of hassle is there any way he could get a mate to collect them one day? As for the other stuff again a ultimatum will have to take place get it out by a certain date or it's gone as I feel you will still be in same boat in 12 months time and I know you don't want that he has to be told plain and simple he is a loser right now and it's hindering your progress big time Ahh I too am scared of being on my own for the rest of my days, but at the same time I am trying to do something about it's really draining though for sure!! XX Cheers
MyNameIsTerry
11-02-17, 14:04
I think you've been a single parent for ages now, though?
Yes, that's how I see it.
KeeKee has a young child and an overgrown one. I often wonder whether things will be easier without him there because it seems his behaviour is being learnt by their daughter and his refusal to stand firm as parents is allowing her to push boundaries as well at undermining KeeKee.
KeeKee, he only sees his daughter when he brings her home and has a cuppa? So, won't he be planning to see her outside of this? That's really bad on his part.
The guy needs a parental lock shoving on his X-box!
---------- Post added at 14:04 ---------- Previous post was at 14:01 ----------
That is a lot of hassle is there any way he could get a mate to collect them one day? As for the other stuff again a ultimatum will have to take place get it out by a certain date or it's gone as I feel you will still be in same boat in 12 months time and I know you don't want that he has to be told plain and simple he is a loser right now and it's hindering your progress big time Ahh I too am scared of being on my own for the rest of my days, but at the same time I am trying to do something about it's really draining though for sure!! XX Cheers
Couldn't be stump up the cash and hire a van for the day? Or even a small car? The trouble is, everything seems to be hassle to this guy and it ends up being KeeKee having to light a fire under has backside to get him moving.
He's like a guy who expects his mum running round after him..
Honestly KeeKee I'm going to start calling him Private Pike...If you get the Dad's Army reference? I'm sorry for sounding harsh about him but it's very unfair on you & your daughter. It's only feeding your self esteem issues.
Yes, that's how I see it.
KeeKee has a young child and an overgrown one. I often wonder whether things will be easier without him there because it seems his behaviour is being learnt by their daughter and his refusal to stand firm as parents is allowing her to push boundaries as well at undermining KeeKee.
KeeKee, he only sees his daughter when he brings her home and has a cuppa? So, won't he be planning to see her outside of this? That's really bad on his part.
The guy needs a parental lock shoving on his X-box! Is this game console at your house is it a hand held one or it's plugged in at your house? take the fuse out of the plug!! Or put a hammer through it (no don't really suggest that second one though) He needs to wake up to himself and quickly too! Cheers
MyNameIsTerry
11-02-17, 14:17
Is this game console at your house is it a hand held one or it's plugged in at your house? take the fuse out of the plug!! Or put a hammer through it (no don't really suggest that second one though) He needs to wake up to himself and quickly too! Cheers
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If only there was an app for that!
Yes, that's how I see it.
KeeKee has a young child and an overgrown one. I often wonder whether things will be easier without him there because it seems his behaviour is being learnt by their daughter and his refusal to stand firm as parents is allowing her to push boundaries as well at undermining KeeKee.
KeeKee, he only sees his daughter when he brings her home and has a cuppa? So, won't he be planning to see her outside of this? That's really bad on his part.
The guy needs a parental lock shoving on his X-box!
---------- Post added at 14:04 ---------- Previous post was at 14:01 ----------
Couldn't be stump up the cash and hire a van for the day? Or even a small car? The trouble is, everything seems to be hassle to this guy and it ends up being KeeKee having to light a fire under has backside to get him moving.
He's like a guy who expects his mum running round after him..
Honestly KeeKee I'm going to start calling him Private Pike...If you get the Dad's Army reference? I'm sorry for sounding harsh about him but it's very unfair on you & your daughter. It's only feeding your self esteem issues. I get the reference LOL :) And I don't think you are harsh Terry but then Iam not KeeKee! How ever I think she knows where you are coming from though :) Ahh that's a point could his family sort out transport for the fish and tank might be a option? :) Cheers
---------- Post added at 14:21 ---------- Previous post was at 14:18 ----------
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If only there was an app for that!Opps there she blows ha ha:DYeah kinda of funny really lmfao :) That's made my day Butler that's another classic show OTB's :) Cheers
MyNameIsTerry
11-02-17, 14:27
I get the reference LOL :) And I don't think you are harsh Terry but then Iam not KeeKee! How ever I think she knows where you are coming from though :) Ahh that's a point could his family sort out transport for the fish and tank might be a option? :) Cheers
---------- Post added at 14:21 ---------- Previous post was at 14:18 ----------
Opps there she blows ha ha:DYeah kinda of funny really lmfao :) That's made my day Butler that's another classic show OTB's :) Cheers
I always loved On The Buses. I bet it wasn't like that on the PMT ones! :biggrin:
(If it was I would have been a bus driver :noangel:)
Pulisa you are right. I have felt that way for a long time. He wasn't completely uninvolved and did all the school run etc, I could get him to tell her to tidy her room so it wasn't always me being the bad guy and so on, but ultimately yes I've been a single parent for a long time.
Bigboy you're right I probably would be in same boat in 12 months time. I will give him an ultimatum. I'm going to mention the fish tank to my relative again as we'll need somebody who is willing to drive carefully, I doubt a taxi driver would.
Terry, he has said she could sleep a few nights during the holidays but I've told him she's not sleeping until he gets smoke alarms put in, when living here he left the oven on countless times, the toaster on and set a mini oven alight, all through falling asleep. He's very careless so there's no way I'd feel comfortable with her sleeping when he doesn't even have a smoke alarm in.
He could take her for her tea or something though. If i directly asked him he would do so, but I don't want to ask as if he wanted to he'd do so without being asked. He has no sense to responsibility, he doesn't even have set mealtimes for himself and on the rare occasion I used to go for tea with a friend I used to have to 'check-up' on him to make sure he hadn't fallen asleep, he had to be reminded to make her tea etc. He really is like a child. Even the cats (who are now like family) were originally his but i ended up looking after them and that's the very reason I didn't allow him to keep the puppy he got a while back.
Nothing anybody has said has sounded harsh and is no different to what my relatives have been saying so no need to apologise. And I've never seem Dad's army so didn't get it hehe.
His PlayStation is at his home, he doesn't play it when he's at mine, but he does fall asleep a lot because he isn't getting enough sleep, due to early working and late gaming.
I do think perhaps he's just very irresponsible and can't really help himself, but at almost 30, 11 years into a relationship and he still can't grow up.....
I do think I'd be better off without him. He would also probably be better off without me too.
KeeKee,
I've followed the thread and the advice you're receiving is quite sound as was the advice on previous threads about this subject and situation. I've made my opinion known on those previous threads so no need to repeat it.
Ultimately, regardless of the wise words on these pages, it's up to you. You have to conjure up the inner fortitude to take the steps, freeing yourself from what you openly admit is a bad situation. There are no locks or doors you have to break down. It's simply a decision and taking the steps. It's not a step off a cliff where you're going to fall, but a step up a ladder that will take you up and away from the valley you're currently in.
I wish you luck and as always
Positive thoughts
I always loved On The Buses. I bet it wasn't like that on the PMT ones! :biggrin:
(If it was I would have been a bus driver :noangel:) Hey you never know iam not originally from round that area but would reckon every old style bus station had its Butler of the day along with the driver's and clippies as they used to be called Happy Days :) DId you know (sorry KeeKee for taking over the thread slightly ) 3 films were made I have seen them all :) Cheers
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Pulisa you are right. I have felt that way for a long time. He wasn't completely uninvolved and did all the school run etc, I could get him to tell her to tidy her room so it wasn't always me being the bad guy and so on, but ultimately yes I've been a single parent for a long time.
Bigboy you're right I probably would be in same boat in 12 months time. I will give him an ultimatum. I'm going to mention the fish tank to my relative again as we'll need somebody who is willing to drive carefully, I doubt a taxi driver would.
Terry, he has said she could sleep a few nights during the holidays but I've told him she's not sleeping until he gets smoke alarms put in, when living here he left the oven on countless times, the toaster on and set a mini oven alight, all through falling asleep. He's very careless so there's no way I'd feel comfortable with her sleeping when he doesn't even have a smoke alarm in.
He could take her for her tea or something though. If i directly asked him he would do so, but I don't want to ask as if he wanted to he'd do so without being asked. He has no sense to responsibility, he doesn't even have set mealtimes for himself and on the rare occasion I used to go for tea with a friend I used to have to 'check-up' on him to make sure he hadn't fallen asleep, he had to be reminded to make her tea etc. He really is like a child. Even the cats (who are now like family) were originally his but i ended up looking after them and that's the very reason I didn't allow him to keep the puppy he got a while back.
Nothing anybody has said has sounded harsh and is no different to what my relatives have been saying so no need to apologise. And I've never seem Dad's army so didn't get it hehe.
His PlayStation is at his home, he doesn't play it when he's at mine, but he does fall asleep a lot because he isn't getting enough sleep, due to early working and late gaming.
I do think perhaps he's just very irresponsible and can't really help himself, but at almost 30, 11 years into a relationship and he still can't grow up.....
I do think I'd be better off without him. He would also probably be better off without me too. That's a good start KeeKee so well done :) :eek: no I wouldn't either but how will you know he has had them installed? And they can be removed even though the newer ones have sealed batteries in them they still can be taken down as easy as taking a light bulb out unless mains wired ones are installed. Sorry but don't think he is responsible to look after his daughter in his present state too much of a risk!! it's something that needs talking about. Cats tend to be able to fend for themselves but a puppy needs human interaction etc what breed is it? And it's at your house now?
So he is very irresponsible in my opinion think twice before he is taking on something that he could potentially harm or damage even something that is not intentional not suggesting it would be but even so a silly mistake on his part could lead to something serious to happen. So that's more stress for you :hugs: You Take care KeeKee XX Cheers
KeeKee,
I'm coming to the conclusion that YOU are his safety net, not the other way around. x
KeeKee,
I'm coming to the conclusion that YOU are his safety net, not the other way around. x Hmm could be a bit of both though, either way it's soul destroying plus you never can get back all those years you have missed out on :eek: Cheers
Rather than reflecting on "lost" years I think KeeKee has plenty to look forward to. After all, she has her daughter as a result of her relationship so not all negative and there will have been much better times too.
You're only 28, KeeKee so you are a young mum in the prime of your life. I hope the GP has referred you for specific help with your BDD and not generic CBT? You need to address your BDD now so that you can move forward with your life and make new opportunities happen for you rather than ruminating on what you can't do because of your BDD?
Rather than reflecting on "lost" years I think KeeKee has plenty to look forward to. After all, she has her daughter as a result of her relationship so not all negative and there will have been much better times too.
You're only 28, KeeKee so you are a young mum in the prime of your life. I hope the GP has referred you for specific help with your BDD and not generic CBT? You need to address your BDD now so that you can move forward with your life and make new opportunities happen for you rather than ruminating on what you can't do because of your BDD? Yes think you are right on this :) Think once this referral has taken place to see a specialist then KeeKee can move forward, but with out that referral then no progress can be made and it should now be a priorityIMHO. Cheers
Yes think you are right on this :) Think once this referral has taken place to see a specialist then KeeKee can move forward, but with out that referral then no progress can be made and it should now be a priorityIMHO. Cheers
No doubt the therapy will be a step forward but one doesn't need to wait for it to take a step forward. That's just an excuse to stay where you are. As I said previously, all the words and talk in the world (even from a real life mental health professional) won't do a thing unless it's acted on.
Baby steps, something as simple as not answering a call or a text can prove empowering. Dropping off some belongings at his mothers house can get the ball rolling. Something... anything but sitting and wallowing in the mire.
Positive thoughts
No doubt the therapy will be a step forward but one doesn't need to wait for it to take a step forward. That's just an excuse to stay where you are. As I said previously, all the words and talk in the world (even from a real life mental health professional) won't do a thing unless it's acted on.
Baby steps, something as simple as not answering a call or a text can prove empowering. Dropping off some belongings at his mothers house can get the ball rolling. Something... anything but sitting and wallowing in the mire.
Positive thoughtsExactly FM :) I think some responsabilty does lie with his mother too :) So KeeKee set that as a goal for next week get some stuff over his mothers house little by little, no ifs, no buts :) Cheers
I agree. Get his stuff out of your house, little by little. If his mum doesn't answer the door, leave it on the doorstep. Warn him that you are doing this and it's up to him to keep it safe. Psychologically this could be very liberating for you.
I agree. Get his stuff out of your house, little by little. If his mum doesn't answer the door, leave it on the doorstep. Warn him that you are doing this and it's up to him to keep it safe. Psychologically this could be very liberating for you. Absolutely spot on and KeeKee don't feel bad about doing it you will feel good afterwards :) It's about you now hun XX Cheers
Hi all, thanks again for the advice and comments.
Bigboy he would be honest with me about the smoke alarms as he knows how I am when it comes to my daughter. I don't really like her sleeping out at all if I'm honest, but it's a definite no if there aren't at least basic things like that. His landlord has been telling him for weeks they'd sort it for him, but they seem to be in no hurry.
As for the puppy it was over a year ago now I rehomed it, at the time he was working long shifts so I was stuck at home with it and as it was very young it was constantly crying, then Barking at my cats, then biting me constantly etc, it was gorgeous but I honestly felt like crying having to look after it, I knew if we'd kept it I'd be the main carer like I have been mostly with the cats. Plus once I'm in love with an animal it's mine like the cats now are and I didn't want to get in that place as it's also a further financial drain and a dog needs more attention than a cat.
I do feel like these last couple of years have been wasted as it's always seemed like he didn't want to be with me and I'd rather he have just told me as opposed to snapping and ignoring me etc. He never seemed happy with me yet was always laughing and joking when speaking to his friends.
However as you say Pulisa we have had other positives. I don't regret the relationship or anything and have enjoyed his company a lot of times so it's not all sour. I also appreciate how especially in the beginning he was always by my side, despite his relatives telling him not to settle down etc. However I've despised these last 6 months or so. I definitely have made up my mind. I'd rather be single and alone than in a relationship and still alone.
I did ask for a referral from my GP, so I'm sure they will have done that but due to the nature of the conversation we had I got the impression it was about my relationship with my daughter not my BDD but I'm not entirely sure. I need to go back shortly for a fit note so I'll ask then.
As for his things they are too large to be carried on public transport, the things that are still here are a wardrobe, motorised scooter, fish tank and multi gym. I mentioned it again earlier and said he's going to have to pay to get a removal van as he also has a shed full of things outside (although the outdoor things don't bother me) but whether he does that or not isn't really in my control. I've already priced removal vans up and couldn't even afford to pay for one myself and tell him he owes me the money, so I'm not really sure what I could do in that respect. But the smaller things are out, I've got cupboard space again :D for the first time in ages.
He isn't really texting or ringing me anyway unless I've asked him to pick me something up from the shop after work so I've got nothing to ignore, I only text him in regards to non relationship issues, we are acting like a couple no longer together. I just wish he'd man up and say this is what he wanted all along as I feel like I've been used until he could get his own house (he was only part time until late last year so couldn't have afforded to). It's sad I know but I want to say "I told you so" as I knew something was up.
I feel ok anyway on days I don't see him and the main reason I miss him is more because he was the one person I could moan to when I'm down. My family don't want to hear it and if I don't put on a false good mood they'll call me miserable and boring so I've constantly got a mask on. But I'll just have to learn to live with not having anybody to moan to. I've managed for 3 weeks or so now and know it will only get easier as time goes on.
---------- Post added at 18:41 ---------- Previous post was at 18:39 ----------
It's not a step off a cliff where you're going to fall, but a step up a ladder that will take you up and away from the valley you're currently in.
Thanks for that I'll keep that in mind for when things get tough.
---------- Post added at 18:43 ---------- Previous post was at 18:41 ----------
Perhaps Carnation. Not having me there might make him actually get off his backside and gain some responsibility.
:ohmy:
Hi all, thanks again for the advice and comments.
Bigboy he would be honest with me about the smoke alarms as he knows how I am when it comes to my daughter. I don't really like her sleeping out at all if I'm honest, but it's a definite no if there aren't at least basic things like that. His landlord has been telling him for weeks they'd sort it for him, but they seem to be in no hurry.
As for the puppy it was over a year ago now I rehomed it, at the time he was working long shifts so I was stuck at home with it and as it was very young it was constantly crying, then Barking at my cats, then biting me constantly etc, it was gorgeous but I honestly felt like crying having to look after it, I knew if we'd kept it I'd be the main carer like I have been mostly with the cats. Plus once I'm in love with an animal it's mine like the cats now are and I didn't want to get in that place as it's also a further financial drain and a dog needs more attention than a cat.
I do feel like these last couple of years have been wasted as it's always seemed like he didn't want to be with me and I'd rather he have just told me as opposed to snapping and ignoring me etc. He never seemed happy with me yet was always laughing and joking when speaking to his friends.
However as you say Pulisa we have had other positives. I don't regret the relationship or anything and have enjoyed his company a lot of times so it's not all sour. I also appreciate how especially in the beginning he was always by my side, despite his relatives telling him not to settle down etc. However I've despised these last 6 months or so. I definitely have made up my mind. I'd rather be single and alone than in a relationship and still alone.
I did ask for a referral from my GP, so I'm sure they will have done that but due to the nature of the conversation we had I got the impression it was about my relationship with my daughter not my BDD but I'm not entirely sure. I need to go back shortly for a fit note so I'll ask then.
As for his things they are too large to be carried on public transport, the things that are still here are a wardrobe, motorised scooter, fish tank and multi gym. I mentioned it again earlier and said he's going to have to pay to get a removal van as he also has a shed full of things outside (although the outdoor things don't bother me) but whether he does that or not isn't really in my control. I've already priced removal vans up and couldn't even afford to pay for one myself and tell him he owes me the money, so I'm not really sure what I could do in that respect. But the smaller things are out, I've got cupboard space again :D for the first time in ages.
He isn't really texting or ringing me anyway unless I've asked him to pick me something up from the shop after work so I've got nothing to ignore, I only text him in regards to non relationship issues, we are acting like a couple no longer together. I just wish he'd man up and say this is what he wanted all along as I feel like I've been used until he could get his own house (he was only part time until late last year so couldn't have afforded to). It's sad I know but I want to say "I told you so" as I knew something was up.
I feel ok anyway on days I don't see him and the main reason I miss him is more because he was the one person I could moan to when I'm down. My family don't want to hear it and if I don't put on a false good mood they'll call me miserable and boring so I've constantly got a mask on. But I'll just have to learn to live with not having anybody to moan to. I've managed for 3 weeks or so now and know it will only get easier as time goes on.
---------- Post added at 18:41 ---------- Previous post was at 18:39 ----------
Thanks for that I'll keep that in mind for when things get tough.
---------- Post added at 18:43 ---------- Previous post was at 18:41 ----------
Perhaps Carnation. Not having me there might make him actually get off his backside and gain some responsibility. Yes puppies need a lot of training on boundaries and house rules etc and you were in no fit state to take that on, so you did the right thing just hope its ok? :) well that's good to know about the smoke alarms I mean even for his own safety as he does pose a huge risk to him self, he needs reminding for his own good to get in touch with the landlord, failing that the local fire service offer a free service and install a couple smoke dectors at no cost atall. as for hiring a van well they can be cheap just keep looking in local news papers I got one with a driver for £20 yes that's it:) even the internet is good place to look man with van!!
So next week lets hear some positive news from you :) Cheers
The new owners seemed lovely they were a young couple. I contacted them a couple of months later and they sent me a picture. It even had a little beard ha, I love beards on dogs.
I never thought of the fire service I'll mention it to him. They're only cheap to buy really but it's not the point as the landlord has already said they'd sort it weeks ago.
I'll mention the removal vans to him, he wants to use his gym anyway so I'm suprised he's in no hurry to get it over so he can make use of it.
We are here if you want someone to moan to about stuff. x :hugs:
And here to give you that 'pep' that you might need too.
The new owners seemed lovely they were a young couple. I contacted them a couple of months later and they sent me a picture. It even had a little beard ha, I love beards on dogs.
I never thought of the fire service I'll mention it to him. They're only cheap to buy really but it's not the point as the landlord has already said they'd sort it weeks ago.
I'll mention the removal vans to him, he wants to use his gym anyway so I'm suprised he's in no hurry to get it over so he can make use of it. Oh that's good :) What breed is the pup? well the fire service in my area does this service I just hope he gets them fitted sooner than later other wise your daughter can stay over simple as :) As for his home gym Doesn't make any sense but there again he doesn't seem motivated either! The landlord sounds crap to me one of those that takes ages to fix anything but wants his rent every week :huh: So onwards and upwards:yesyes: cheers
Thank you Carnation :-)
Yes bigboy he's had a few things needing repairing and they took their time sorting it. The dog was a Patterdale terrier I think. It will probably be around 18 months old now.
I was always under the impression the landlord needed to sort the smoke alarms out by law but I guess I was wrong. I rent from a housing association and they are much better. One of my smoke alarms stopped working and because it was the one downstairs and I told them I wasn't happy as if there was a fire I'd not know until the smoke had reached the top of the stairs, they came out next day.
Thank you Carnation :-)
Yes bigboy he's had a few things needing repairing and they took their time sorting it. The dog was a Patterdale terrier I think. It will probably be around 18 months old now.
I was always under the impression the landlord needed to sort the smoke alarms out by law but I guess I was wrong. I rent from a housing association and they are much better. One of my smoke alarms stopped working and because it was the one downstairs and I told them I wasn't happy as if there was a fire I'd not know until the smoke had reached the top of the stairs, they came out next day. That's terrible but all too common. Ahh hence the beard nice dogs but can be headstrong etc Glad he is happy in his new home :) Yes but only if the house is a HMO property House Multi Occupancy like a student house or house share :) exactly and in your case they acted promptly as they should!! HTH Cheers
Ah I see. His is a house with just him. He should probably sort them out himself then.
Ah I see. His is a house with just him. He should probably sort them out himself then. Well yes, but if the landlord has promised to install a couple then it's down to him really but there is no law to make him do this A.F.A.IK do you know the landlords number? Cheers
Hi Keekee i've missed all of this not being around much lately! I;m really sad to see you're still in this place.
You're thread title is how to move on from a relationship, but i feel like you're not really asking that question and that maybe parts of you are still trying to find positives and hopes that things will work out between you both?(I could be wrong)
Pulisa I agree he's like a weight around my neck. Whilst I won't blame him for my issues, he has certainly made me feel lower than I ever would have had I been single years ago. A relative once told me he was the downfall of me. I don't believe he's ever tried to hurt me on purpose or anything but it's not healthy for either of us.
This stood out for me, i've been with my partner for over 5 years, and was with my ex partner for more than that. If the person you're with is not making you feel 'better' 'happier' 'loved' ect then you could go around in circles all day but it's wrong. My partner definitely makes me feel better, makes things easier for me, and makes me feel special, yes sometimes he gets on my last freaking nerve with silly things but ultimately he's a positive part of my life, the best part of my life!
I don't say this for any other reason than i've been surrounded by similar relationships my whole life, and it really gets to me. I understand how hard and confusing it can be, leaving any relationship after so long is very difficult as you had a routine, something familiar, where everything now is the unknown, and it's easy to confuse missing 'someone' with missing 'memories' it's two different things.
I don't know your partner and do not have bad things to say about him, from the threads you have done it's always been clear to me that you two should go separate ways(obviously still both their for your daughter). It's too hard for some people to do though, i know that personally, and all your thoughts are quite normal, it can be scary and lonely and you just want everything to work. The only advice i can give is 'Baby steps' no need to look at the big picture, 5 years from now, that scares everyone, just think about each day, and any little things you want to do, can do, maybe writing will help you. But don't put too much pressure on yourself, try not to think as much(Silly coming from me)
:hugs:
I think KeeKee is making good progress, but perhaps needs to do more but baby steps is the WTG :) Never easy to start with, but does get easier as you go along :) Cheers
Thank you all for replying, Bigboy I don't know the landlords number, I don't even know which landlord it is.
KatiePink I did used to wish he'd come crawling back to me each time I told him I couldn't take anymore but this time is different. I'm truly sick of feeling like crap, he isn't the only issue but I feel very stressed constantly and one less stressor makes a small difference. We haven't been together for around 3 weeks now. I know he will never change, plus he doesn't think anything he has done is wrong so there'll never be so much as an apology.
It's been so hard to get where I am now, because he truly was my only support, even if the support was minimal. I feel like I've given him one too many chances (there are other happenings that I've never wrote on here before), I can't be bothered anymore. Even if I am single forever at least I'm not feeling ignored, stressed and like a doormat. Which may have had some impact on my low self esteem.
Ha it's hard not to think isn't it, especially as I've been waking in the night for hours. I usually pop the TV on if I'm awake longer than an hour, takes my mind off things.
Thank you just_me.
I'm going to spend the next week just trying to relax and maybe do some reading. I'm going to switch back to ESA as my appeal has been received now and hopefully I'll get somewhere with that, even if not it beats having to sign on for JSA each fortnight. It's hard not to worry about that though as I won't be able to afford anything other than the bare essentials if I do lose the appeal. But I try not to think about it.
I've just had my partner leave me after five years. She could take no more of my closing up. I was in a previous abusive relationship. And this has just ruined me. I feel anxious and when the slightest thing goes wrong I sink into an all time low.
My partner has stood by me for so long and it's not always been like this.
After an illness at Xmas and moving of house, a few clashes with my parents and my bank card getting compromised I was at the brink of breakdown. Thing is only then I realised there is something wrong with me.
I used to make excuses not to go out. When I had to go out with my partner I had to have a few drinks to relax and when I was on my game we were the best together. Unfortunately round the corner I would then sink and then withdraw and have very little interaction with her. She finally gave up and after that I've realised I need help.
I went to my gp and all the stuff inside just poured out. I've been put on AD's and feel a lot better by really miss my partner who after confessing she was so unhappy said that I no longer contact her.
I tried to explain I have went for help but have had no response. I wish her happiness and only wish I could bring more happiness to her.
I called twice and wrote a letter.
I know I have to leave her now and get myself back to the old me and try and move on.
I just wish I realised sooner. I will be forever grateful for all the stuff she has put up with.
She was an absolute angel. I just couldn't get my feelings out there unless relaxed.
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